from crooner 1.11: awakening... the episode take. achha hua ki hum gire.
i
watched them intently last night. he reclined next to her, balancing
his body with one hand on the bed, almost as though he wanted to make
sure he was not touching her. bare torso gleaming, a peculiar hunger in
his eyes, but no, it was not lust. to
her: yeh aap kya kar rahe hain? he said all he wanted to do was look
into her eyes and read her heart. the very truth of it. the most
melodious sequence of shots went by as he looked at her and she gazed
back rapt. i forgot this was only acting. perhaps they did too.
kya dekha aapne?
achha hua ki hum gire.
gire, hum gire, fell, we fell.
i don't know exactly what arnav singh raizada meant. perhaps he
referred only to their little tumble a few moments before. it afforded
him a providence and ma-in-law bestowed chance to play his beautiful
wife a wee bit more. it unsettled her and her real feelings peeped out.
especially when he said her hands were quivering; even more, when he
teased that she must have been happy that he fell.
first
time i heard him speak of devi maiyya, that too to bug her. oh
delicious intimacy. and how rattled she was when saw him sitting on her
bed, unbuttoning his shirt, again a barrage of forbidden thoughts, she
was flustered. he enjoyed breaking in a little past her cool, can do it
all barrier. the awakening of her senses was such joy to watch. her lips
sort of trembly, her tone unsure, questioning. smile, he commanded; in
top form, heart throb raizada. when he pulled her close, her eyes found
his lips, his lazily teased, then just a touch of finger tip on pert
nose. wasn't that a kiss.
but arnav singh raizada is no ordinary man. that falling most
certainly was also about falling in love. beyond the physical, within
ourselves, love is an instinctive plunge into an emotion whose bounds we
don't really know, and yet we can't keep ourselves safe from it, we
just must fall, must let go, must go deeper, be submerged, must submit,
only then we feel this is indeed love.
no
logic, no rational measures. it just happens, never know who will ring
your bell. lavanya was such a perfect match but he didn't fall. shyam
had he been unmarried might have been considered ideal for her, even she
might have thought so, remember her assertion that shyam was a finer
man and had the kind of wealth you don't keep in banks. but did she fall
for him? ah love.
gets under your skin.
yet looking further still into the word "fall" and thinking of day before's episode and the crooner thereafter, i came upon another word that has come up again and again. ego.
arnav's
ego, khushi's ego. ego isn't a bad thing, but if there's no opening of
the ego how will love enter, or for that matter flow out? actually, love
really strikes when we let the ego shatter a bit, i felt. if the sense
of "i" doesn't fall away a little, how will "you" be allowed in? let
your ego fall, let that feeling called love rush in, then plunge deep.
no need for sarson ka tel malish, you will ache forever. and wish the
damn pain never gets less. and don't worry about the ego, if it was
strong to start with, it will build back seamlessly.
he has only 12 days, one is almost over. so why isn't he rushing a
bit? why this laid back pace? left alone with khushi, he made her work
and watched in delight every move of hers. "hurry up," he said but took
his own sweet time. he had her at that "aapne kya dekha," (actually
he had her way before, and when with that quizzical look and the
galaxy's most tender smile he looked at her he had everything in that
room and me) yet again he let her off with a sweet sexy touch your nose.
again
i remembered their exchange just a day back. "biwi ho meri, huq hai
tumhara... mujh..pe," and later in his office: just ask him for the
money, it's her right as his wife, her huq, if she can't say it out
loud, let her come closer and whisper it to him. is that what he is
trying to do? give her a sense of her right? make her understand that
she has the right to get as much as to give? does he know that his
beautiful bride, orphaned at eight, has never been able to take a thing
for granted, therefore never thinks of her place, her claim in the
universe. does he want her to not just accept him as her pati but ask
for what is rightfully hers as his patni. this is too stunning a
thought, too too beautiful. i can't breathe.
i
don't know what he wants her to realise. but it's far more than just a
game to get khushi to give in. and maybe he too is longing for someone
to exercise a right over him, make him a part of themselves. arnav singh
raizada has allowed his ego to break and let khushi kumari gupta in.
again and again he lets it crack and fall away, so that he can fall for
her again and again. earlier it would happen without his knowledge, know
he knows but doesn't put up much resistance.
the maximum wall of ego he allowed to build and blot out love was the night of the wedding. but we have traveled far from there.
but
did you notice there fall was so reminiscent of the one on the day she
was going to kill herself? that time he jerked her close then pushed her
off him. divya wondered why when they collapsed to the floor today did
they play the sad rabba ve. i wonder too. maybe because there is a
sadness in the situation too. and what if 12 days aren't enough?
before i end, one last thought.
both
arnav and khushi, lost a lot of their childhood, thanks to the severe
trauma. khushi merely eight, arnav just a bit older at 14 or 15, but
still a child. have you noticed how kiddish they get sometimes, both of
them? are they both also living out unfulfilled parts of themselves with
each other? and in doing so also is a beautiful trust growing?
too
many thoughts today. if i flip through from crooner 1.8 to 1.11, almost
every quote is in my head, every pondering we've all had. the story is
getting more and more dense.
it is melting and sinking like butter into me.
ice cream chocolate malt whisky wine.
neruda's puma is stalking.
on anjali
i
am confused. why must arnav have to show so much concern so much care?
is there something we don't know? why does she not speak of khushi? why
are we suddenly hearing arnav promise her: hamesha? doesn't disturb.
only intrigues. i just know i don't know.
on garimaji
why
the heavens make a mum. khushi may be an orphan but this is her mother,
with all the raging yet giving love of a mother in her. she can slap
khushi, but can she ever disown her or even say such a thing. khushi
knows that, her little hurt part is not because garima failed, but
because some hurts never mend entirely. and when mother likes the man
you love, you're on a roll, babe.
π π π forgive the supreme and fairly all over the place ramble.
Edited by indi52 - 10 years ago
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