Chapter 20
Rishabh held Madhu in his arms tightly, unwilling to ever let go. No matter what happened in the world, this was one place where everything was safe, peaceful and calm. Slowly, RK's tears died down and his heartbeat started to return to a familiar rhythm. He still held Madhu tight. She was still shivering lightly, but her sobs were getting more and more infrequent. RK gently caressed Madhu's arm as he continued to hold her tight in a gesture of reassurance. As if to convince her that he was here for real, and her pain had no business hanging around any longer. As if to convince himself, that even after everything he had done, he was lucky enough to have Madhu still in his arms, and now he would be able to heal the pain.
He closed his eyes, trying to capture this moment in his memory forever, so that if he ever strayed into that terrible zone of self-doubt again, he could remember this - this pain, this sinking feeling, this exhilaration at being rescued by the thinnest of margins. This perfection.
"I am sorry, honey. I will never hurt you again." RK softly mumbled, the promise more to himself than to Madhu.
A while later, RK realized Madhu's breathing had fallen even in his arms. Her face was still hidden in his chest. Her silence bothered him. He broke the hug a little and looked down. A sense of calm was slowly settling in on her face - the kind that one feels when the effects of a powerful medicine slowly begin to wash away in one's mind the constant suffering of injury. RK placed a light kiss on Madhu's forehead. She was beginning to fall asleep. He picked her up in his arms and walked towards her bedroom. As he settled her in her bed, she held his hand between both of hers and fell deeper into sleep. It was like even in her exhaustion, she was scared he would leave. RK sat down on the bed next to Madhu and gently caressed her face. He wasn't leaving. Ever.
This, right here, was his world.
He had been a fool to think he could be happy living without this. He had clearly forgotten what happiness meant. Or life, for that matter. And it was Madhu, not RK, who had paid the price for his foolishness. She had loved him like nobody could love anyone, yet she had suffered in silence, RK rued. As he gently touched Madhu's face with her fingers, he noticed the remnants of the destruction he had created. Madhu's face had grown pale, the tear marks looked permanent and her eyes had dark circles - all witness to the sleepless agony RK had given her for no reason. His eyes moved to her hand, where he saw a huge bandage, blood still visible under it. His hand moved to inspect the bandage better. Was it...did he do this?
The dressing clearly needed change. RK stood up, then remembered seeing a packet from the pharmacy in the living room where Madhu had dropped her purse when they had both entered the apartment. He went outside and looked for it. He found it, saw that it had bandage and dressing tape and stuff and brought it in the bedroom. He gently opened the dressing on Madhu's hand, careful not to wake her up. It was then he saw the cuts. Sharp, deep, multiple. There was still fresh blood. The sight shook RK. The wound probably needed stitches, but it was raw and unhealed. Not fatal, but excruciatingly painful.
Exactly how the breakup had been for Madhu, he realized.
Fresh tears fell from his eyes. He managed to clean and bandage again the wound, but Madhu's pain was reflecting in his eyes now. He recollected the gasp that he had heard on the phone when he had told Madhu he did not love her. He recollected the swimming pain in Madhu's eyes in the past when he had yelled at her for flimsy reasons. Had he ever understood her? And she still loved him this much...why? What had he ever done to deserve it?
He started to put the bandage back in the pharmacy packet, when something else caught his attention. A bottle. He took it out. Tetramethylene disulfotetramine cyanide. Rat poison. Extra strong rat poison. Why had Madhu bought that tonight? Did she...
No! the thought that came next made RK stand up in shock and panic. He looked at the sleeping girl on the bed. She was so strong, wasn't she? She was so strong she had been RK's strength as well. Then why...why did she have poison in her bag? Maybe just to kill actual rats. Or maybe not?
The discovery sent chills down RK's spine. Did he underestimate how close he had come to really losing her? Even if this wasn't what it looked like, RK was scared out of his wits. How had he been so blind that he didn't realize what he was doing to Madhu? His Madhu. The girl whose smile lit up his life. The girl who had been his friend, his confidante, his partner, his lover. The girl who blushed in such a way whenever he looked at her that made him feel the most loved, the most desired man on earth. The girl who fit in his arms like a jigsaw puzzle, like that was why she was made. The girl who had accepted him with her whole heart. The girl who had told him, by mistake, how much she loved him, and had changed his life forever by that admission. The girl he had almost murdered. How much did he know that girl? How much did he understand her silences? Her ghosts? Her unspoken words?
Could he ever repent?
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An hour later, Madhu stirred awake. Rishabh was next to her, caressing her arm, anguish and pain writ on his face.
"Rishabh..."she muttered
"Madhu...I am here...honey. How are you?"
Madhu looked at Rishabh and silently stared. She had never seen him so broken, so helpless, so remorseful as tonight. But she also saw a deep love she had never felt before. Maybe, maybe, her gamble wasn't a losing one after all. Maybe, there was a way to move past whatever had happened over the last week that had left them both this destroyed.
Or maybe not.
"Water" she muttered, and saw RK leave to the kitchen.
What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. But this...this had almost killed Madhu. And it had taken every ounce of remaining strength in her to walk back in RK's arms. Now, she was done. She had put at risk everything she had, but she had done that because what she had wasn't much anyway. Without RK, her life was a dark continuum. What was the big deal about putting that at stake? Yet, there was the promise of a quick end when she had walked into that pharmacy store and bought the strongest poison they had. She hadn't yet decided if and when she was going to use it, but she felt better knowing she was closer to the end than the beginning of her anguish. Going back to RK, she was putting that promise of an escape at hold. An escape from a lifelong of waiting and begging for love. She had given everything she had to this relationship and failed the first time. She had begged, literally begged, for another chance, and didn't get one. Why then, was she willing now to give RK another chance? Why then, was she willing to sign up one more time for a life of slow, constant, enduring pain where she waited and hoped for little morsels of love? And what about her walls of defense which had re-grown and behind which her true self had now shrunk.
"RK...do you really want this?" Madhu looked at him with questioning eyes, but her voice was calm.
"I was a jerk Madhu. I was lost and confused. But not anymore. I want this, for now and for ever. There is no other place in the world I would rather be, than by your side. You...you are my life."
"Are you sure Rishabh? I cannot go through that again."
"And you never will. I promise." RK said, holding Madhu's hands. He was looking straight into her eyes, wanting to make sure Madhu believed him.
"I will never hurt you again. You can give me whatever punishment you like, but I am never leaving again. I was a coward. I didn't know what I wanted. But please trust me if you can. Please give me one more chance. I now know what love is. I now see what a failure I am. But I can be better, because your love is my wisdom and my strength. I was lost because I ran away from the home that is your heart. I want to live in your heart. I want to love you, the way you deserve to be loved. I want to know every little bit of you. I want to listen to your every heartbeat."
"I trust you Rishabh, I have faith in you. But I don't have the kind of blind faith in you that I used to have. I can't..."
"I understand Madhu. But I can live with that. Your trust, your faith...it means everything to me. Even an iota of your love is enough for me to survive. But I cannot lose you again. I cannot..."Madhu wiped the tears on RK's cheeks and pulled him closer.
Slowly, gradually, their lips met. Slowly, they tasted each other's pain. Madhu lied down, and RK lay on top of her, cupping her face, slowly sucking away every ounce of pain he could.
"I love you Madhu." RK said as he pulled a couple of inches apart and looked into Madhu's eyes. They were close, really close. Madhu pushed the darkness that had been enveloping her and their love into a deep dark corner that had no business resurfacing. Damn the memories of pain, damn the darkness of betrayal. If they were to live, they had to move past the hurts of history.
"I love you Rishu..." Madhu breathed. "Love me, please." RK looked into Madhu's eyes and saw what she was asking for. She wanted to convince herself that this was real. She wanted to feel loved. She wanted to belong. She wanted this moment to free them from their past and propel them in the future. He looked inward, in his own heart. He saw no doubt, no fear of commitment.
"Love me, please" Madhu said again. RK gradually removed Madhu's sari covering her chest and his own shirt, then plunged deep into Madhu's kiss.
So deep, their souls merged. More tears were shed that night, but they tasted of catharsis.
Destiny smiled with contentment and relief, but noted with curiosity the rug under which Madhu had swept away parts of their past. She believed they would never surface again.
Edited by teekay - 11 years ago
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