This is a piece I wrote just for fun. Please take it in the spirit it was intended.
So Hope recently became a doctor. I am now called Dr. Hope, MAD (Masters in Asinine Doctori).
To receive this honorary degree, I was required to review the following case studies and provide a diagnosis and treatment. As you can see my astute analysis paid off.
Take a look at my medical diagnosis.
Case Study 1 - Archana
Issue: Why does Archana slap the villains on a quarterly basis when they are doing their misdeeds all year round?
Diagnosis: Low blood pressure
How does that work?: She suffers from low BP all year round. This makes her very weak. Her DURGA avatar requires a HUGE energy disbursement. 0 watt bulb seh thodi na janaat ki roshni deekhi ja sakti hain? She builds her energy reserves every three months and then on the AIN moka she gives one big PHATAK and the fingers go in over drive and the glow of the halo fills up the room. She gets a translucent look to her energy flushed skin from all the spontaneous energy disbursement and looks like a ravishing Zena warrior.
Treatment: healthy diet, less cardio running on city streets and country roads (and sun san havelis), more family time (I mean hubby and kids not puri paltan)
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Case Study 2 - Manav
Issue: Why does Manav give away money at the drop of a hat or a bat of the damsel's lash?
Diagnosis: Severe allergies (hives) to currency. Our allergy test indicated that the allergy is limited to currency notes not all kinds of paper because you never see him distributing any other papers to the K family. Allergy must be to the dye used in printing the currency.
How does that work?: The dye is made from a chemical that reacts negatively with his skin. The Ks always seem to be around when he has some money that is why it appears like he is unloading it only to Ks but actually he is not very discriminatory in his money offloading ways. Kohi bhi insaan chalega.
Treatment: only use ATM and credit cards and receive all payments through direct deposits into bank accounts. Limit all contact to newspapers, magazines, wedding invitations and other such fazool ki paper items that even Ks won't be bothered in if they happen to be near by. Stay away from lottery tickets too as the dye allergy may resurface.
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Case Study 3 - Sulochana
Issue: Why is she constantly slapping Manav?
Diagnosis: Severe Asthma
How does that work? That woh sirf Manav koh marti hai Yeh hamara vehem he. See she is always having asthma attacks around him because of ArMan-centric drama and when she is wildly flailing her arms back and forth gasping for breath we get some contact. Notice that allother familiy members never rush to get the pump? It's only Manav and Archana. She is a well built woman though kabhi kabhi jor ka jhatka lagta hai during these frenzied arm flailing moments and he is taller than her toh obviously position he aisha hai ki hand uske chehre se takra jata hai. Isme bechari Sulo ki kya galti.
Treatment: Give the pump to Archana. Her motor control is better when Archana is around because of her sanskaar towards her kids and her hubby. Manav needs better acrobatic/gymnastic training to learn how to avoid these reflexive pendulum swings.
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Case Study 4 - Manohar
Issue: Why was he constantly smiling like a Laughing Buddha?
Diagnosis: Initial stages of Alzheimer
How does that Work? See Alzheimer's is a very difficult disease to diagnose in aged people and it gets worse in stages. He has been suffering from initial stages of Alzheimer's and his forgetful episodes are triggered everytime he comes in contact with no-good drunks, villainous relatives, namuna daughters and his better half (he gets worse around his better half😉). But he is a naturally good natured man and so even during his brief memory loss episodes he instinctively smiles just in case one of these strangers is his pechanwala he does not want to offend them. Most of the time his episodes end at some time during the visit and then you see the frown show up with the dawn of instant recognition.
Treatment: Mano, Keep the bachelor pad that you are chilling out in the name of your lawyer so you don't lose it as part of a family scam job and stay there with a pretty nurse. Don't return home.
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Case Study 5 - Damodhar
Issue: Why does his blood vomiting spells come and go so suddenly?
Diagnosis: Acid Reflux.
How does that work?: All that drinking makes his liver and digestive system go on the fritz. He gets acid reflux from the abuse and every once in a while when he is nashe mein dhut he swallows the metal cover of the desi daru ki bottle that causes cuts internally and then he starts throwing up blood. This is why his blood vomiting was misdiagnosed the last time as a terminal case. Everyone though it was TB or liver disease when it was just acid reflux and really bad table manners.
Treatment: Drink from plastic or paper glass not directly from bottle.
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Case Study 6 - Savita
Issue: Why is she always screaming so loudly at people? Doesn't she know it provoke fights?
Diagnosis: Deafness
How does that work?: this may have been a developmental challenge growing up. She thinks she is talking at a normal volume but in actually fact she is screaming. The people is talking too always seem baffled (or overwhelmed?) and this is why she also uses her hands when she is screaming. It is a rudimentary form of sign language to accompany the loud voice. She is trying to make sure she communicates effectively.
Treatment: use correspondence to communicate for the most part, keep the secretary around you so that you do not need to use sign language but get her to communicate your wishes.
Certified by Dr. Hope. Errors and Omissions expected. E & O Insurance coverage available.
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So, What's your diagnosis? C'mon give it a try. Who knows you might get a honorary degree too.😆
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