Posted:
Dear Princess,
I can see how you've been inundated with love, good wishes, promises of everlasting friendship, sympathy, advice and much more upon your deep confession. I know I'm late, but something about your post disturbed me and has been churning around in my mind for a few days now.
I wish I could say I understand what it's like to be physically disabled. But I don't. I wish I could say that I'm aware of your ordeal, the everyday trials and tribulations, the constant reminders of your limitations. But I'm not.
What really bothers me is that you honestly believe yourself a good candidate for mercy killing!!!!
Let me tell you about my sister. When she was 18 ...my pretty, outgoing, academically proficient and ambitious sister ... right after gaining admission into a prestigious med school, was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. Fyi, RA is incurable, causes acute inflammation and disfigurement of the bones and joints, is more painful than anything you can imagine, and capable of reducing a human being to a vegetable within the span of a few months. The only way to survive it, is to live out every day in the hope that you will go into remission, and hopefully stay there all your life. My sister spent those agonizing days with full-blown RA in her hostel 2,000 kms from home, trying to get past the excruciating pain and concentrate on her studies. There were days when she popped 10 pain-killers a day and yet couldn't move a leg to stand up and walk to class. Days when she would go into the bathroom to have a bath and start sobbing inside because she couldn't turn the doorknob to open the door. Days when she couldn't hold a pen to write her exams and despite being a bright student, had to suffer the ignominy of asking for extra time, with someone else writing for her while she dictated. Days when the pressure of studies was so intense, yet she couldn't study while the rest of them were cramming throughout the night because her senses were focused so relentlessly on the savage pain, she was only dimly aware of the outside reality. No doctor was willing to guarantee a recovery. Don't you think that by these standards, she was an excellent candidate for euthanasia as well??
Inspite of the odds, my sister passed 5.5 years of med school with flying colors and went on to complete her Master's. Today, she is in remission. She has some deformed bones, like in her wrist, which means she cannot lift up and play with her own baby the way 'normal' mothers do. She has a husband who fell in love with her and has supported her unconditionally. She has authored several papers in international journals and is at the forefront of thalassaemia research in India. Yet she still has trouble doing simple tasks like wearing her clothes and fixing her hair. Her life's not perfect, but then who's is?
She could have, all those years ago, just thrown up her hands and died. She was a doctor - she knew that she only had to inject herself once (or request another close doctor friend to inject her) with XYZ chemicals and it would all be over in a few minutes.
Princess, disability or no disability, life is a struggle. The nature of the human spirit is such that it can triumph over all odds, if you teach it how.
I do not know how much physical pain you have to endure everyday. But you are causing yourself great mental distress, restlessness and pain by being afraid. Imho, the worst state of human consciousness is when it's mired in indecision. What's worse Princess - the fear of living, or the fear of dying? Obviously, the fear of dying, or you wouldn't still be alive. And the fear of dying is very healthy, because it shows that your instinct for self-preservation is intact, which is very important for survival and progress.
Why don't you take a decision about what to do with your life? Standing at the edge of a cliff can't be fun. Jump. Jump if you have the guts, if you feel there really is nothing to live for. Or go home, and celebrate the joy and beauty of being alive. Give up or buck up, it's as simple as that. And once you take your decision, stick to it!!!
It's wonderful how many people you have been trying to help out by engaging in community interaction. It's equally amazing how these sessions havn't seemed to help you get over your feelings of resentment and anger. Remember, your first loyalty and responsibility is towards yourself. It's time to do what helps YOU. Forgive me for shooting off my mouth but I don't know where you got the strange idea that being able to walk again will miraculously make life worth living, will make your body and spirit whole again. The concept of being 'whole' differs from person to person. If this is the way God has made you, then you are, by every means, 'whole'.
There are people in this world who are healthy in every way and yet their cup of worries overfloweth. Yes, walking again might mean you could join the football team and sashay down the ramp in tight jeans and be the cynosure of all eyes. It might mean the cute guy at the next table will give you the once-over and ask you out like he would any 'normal' girl. How important are these things to you? If you want to live beyond the realm of the superficial, then start thinking beyond it too.
It's easy to invoke sympathy and a lot harder to invoke respect. If I were you (I'm not you, I can never be anyone else but me, but assuming for a few seconds that I were...) I'd be trying my hardest to take control of my life in every way. I'd do things to make sure no one could ever talk down to me... maybe I'd find something in this world that would interest me so much that I'd master it. Could be anything - but I'd know so much about it that I could blow your socks off. Most importantly, it would make me HAPPY. I'd harness the power of the Internet to read stories about people like me. Join a support group. Talk about my feelings with people who CAN put themselves in your shoes, and thereby give you hope. I'd find out whatever there is to know about alternative medicine, such as Naturopathy and Reiki and present my parents with a case on why I should be visiting such healers. I'd dream big and think bigger. Even if I all I aspire to is an ordinary life and not any form of greatness, I'd make sure it's a life well-lived.
Princess, one thing that always comes across in your posts is your gentle sweetness. No doubt those are virtues, but anything in abundance can become an impediment in your path to personal growth. Mental toughness, grit, tenacity and a strong will that can bend anything in its path, are also virtues. I know u're only 17, and questioning just about everything in your life. This too will pass. You will find some answers, some you'll have to strive for..... but with every passing year you WILL learn to value yourself and your own life.
I'm sorry if I came across sounding like an arrogant Ms. Know-it-all. Maybe if we'd been in a room together you'd have given me a resounding slap... maybe I'd deserve it too... but Princess.. I'm merely trying to tell you that the joy of living is also an art.. and a life skill... one that can be learned.
I can see how you've been inundated with love, good wishes, promises of everlasting friendship, sympathy, advice and much more upon your deep confession. I know I'm late, but something about your post disturbed me and has been churning around in my mind for a few days now.
I wish I could say I understand what it's like to be physically disabled. But I don't. I wish I could say that I'm aware of your ordeal, the everyday trials and tribulations, the constant reminders of your limitations. But I'm not.
What really bothers me is that you honestly believe yourself a good candidate for mercy killing!!!!
Let me tell you about my sister. When she was 18 ...my pretty, outgoing, academically proficient and ambitious sister ... right after gaining admission into a prestigious med school, was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. Fyi, RA is incurable, causes acute inflammation and disfigurement of the bones and joints, is more painful than anything you can imagine, and capable of reducing a human being to a vegetable within the span of a few months. The only way to survive it, is to live out every day in the hope that you will go into remission, and hopefully stay there all your life. My sister spent those agonizing days with full-blown RA in her hostel 2,000 kms from home, trying to get past the excruciating pain and concentrate on her studies. There were days when she popped 10 pain-killers a day and yet couldn't move a leg to stand up and walk to class. Days when she would go into the bathroom to have a bath and start sobbing inside because she couldn't turn the doorknob to open the door. Days when she couldn't hold a pen to write her exams and despite being a bright student, had to suffer the ignominy of asking for extra time, with someone else writing for her while she dictated. Days when the pressure of studies was so intense, yet she couldn't study while the rest of them were cramming throughout the night because her senses were focused so relentlessly on the savage pain, she was only dimly aware of the outside reality. No doctor was willing to guarantee a recovery. Don't you think that by these standards, she was an excellent candidate for euthanasia as well??
Inspite of the odds, my sister passed 5.5 years of med school with flying colors and went on to complete her Master's. Today, she is in remission. She has some deformed bones, like in her wrist, which means she cannot lift up and play with her own baby the way 'normal' mothers do. She has a husband who fell in love with her and has supported her unconditionally. She has authored several papers in international journals and is at the forefront of thalassaemia research in India. Yet she still has trouble doing simple tasks like wearing her clothes and fixing her hair. Her life's not perfect, but then who's is?
She could have, all those years ago, just thrown up her hands and died. She was a doctor - she knew that she only had to inject herself once (or request another close doctor friend to inject her) with XYZ chemicals and it would all be over in a few minutes.
Princess, disability or no disability, life is a struggle. The nature of the human spirit is such that it can triumph over all odds, if you teach it how.
I do not know how much physical pain you have to endure everyday. But you are causing yourself great mental distress, restlessness and pain by being afraid. Imho, the worst state of human consciousness is when it's mired in indecision. What's worse Princess - the fear of living, or the fear of dying? Obviously, the fear of dying, or you wouldn't still be alive. And the fear of dying is very healthy, because it shows that your instinct for self-preservation is intact, which is very important for survival and progress.
Why don't you take a decision about what to do with your life? Standing at the edge of a cliff can't be fun. Jump. Jump if you have the guts, if you feel there really is nothing to live for. Or go home, and celebrate the joy and beauty of being alive. Give up or buck up, it's as simple as that. And once you take your decision, stick to it!!!
It's wonderful how many people you have been trying to help out by engaging in community interaction. It's equally amazing how these sessions havn't seemed to help you get over your feelings of resentment and anger. Remember, your first loyalty and responsibility is towards yourself. It's time to do what helps YOU. Forgive me for shooting off my mouth but I don't know where you got the strange idea that being able to walk again will miraculously make life worth living, will make your body and spirit whole again. The concept of being 'whole' differs from person to person. If this is the way God has made you, then you are, by every means, 'whole'.
There are people in this world who are healthy in every way and yet their cup of worries overfloweth. Yes, walking again might mean you could join the football team and sashay down the ramp in tight jeans and be the cynosure of all eyes. It might mean the cute guy at the next table will give you the once-over and ask you out like he would any 'normal' girl. How important are these things to you? If you want to live beyond the realm of the superficial, then start thinking beyond it too.
It's easy to invoke sympathy and a lot harder to invoke respect. If I were you (I'm not you, I can never be anyone else but me, but assuming for a few seconds that I were...) I'd be trying my hardest to take control of my life in every way. I'd do things to make sure no one could ever talk down to me... maybe I'd find something in this world that would interest me so much that I'd master it. Could be anything - but I'd know so much about it that I could blow your socks off. Most importantly, it would make me HAPPY. I'd harness the power of the Internet to read stories about people like me. Join a support group. Talk about my feelings with people who CAN put themselves in your shoes, and thereby give you hope. I'd find out whatever there is to know about alternative medicine, such as Naturopathy and Reiki and present my parents with a case on why I should be visiting such healers. I'd dream big and think bigger. Even if I all I aspire to is an ordinary life and not any form of greatness, I'd make sure it's a life well-lived.
Princess, one thing that always comes across in your posts is your gentle sweetness. No doubt those are virtues, but anything in abundance can become an impediment in your path to personal growth. Mental toughness, grit, tenacity and a strong will that can bend anything in its path, are also virtues. I know u're only 17, and questioning just about everything in your life. This too will pass. You will find some answers, some you'll have to strive for..... but with every passing year you WILL learn to value yourself and your own life.
I'm sorry if I came across sounding like an arrogant Ms. Know-it-all. Maybe if we'd been in a room together you'd have given me a resounding slap... maybe I'd deserve it too... but Princess.. I'm merely trying to tell you that the joy of living is also an art.. and a life skill... one that can be learned.
Ye Hai Mohabbatein
Advocate Anjali Awasthi
Health and Fitness
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Anupamaa
