Pragya OS: Toska

Suddenly the normal prison cell looked so large and the space in front of her was so vast. She isolated herself in a corner, hugging her knees.

The darkness which she was always afraid of, was not the only reason she was scared then. She used to be afraid of darkness because it fed her imaginations with monsters and beasts, but at the moment, she wasn't afraid of monsters that came in her nightmares when she was a child for she knew monsters no longer were characterised by disproportionate body parts or gelatinous mass. In fact, they were hidden behind beautiful and innocent looking faces. Faces of people who could go to any lengths just to achieve what they want.

The pain she was experiencing was not just about her husband forgetting her or her husband deciding to marry someone else or her being in jail, it's the pain of wanting a normal life. She didn't want a life without problems. She was practical enough to know that a person can't be happy all the time and problems are inevitable. But she didn't want to be strangled by larger than life problems.

Mark Twain said "Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see". But still some people couldn't identify her kindness because they termed it as her weakness. She wasn't weak. Was she? How could kindness be a weakness? Wasn't that supposed to be a strength? That nothing that happened in your life could stop you from being nice. Damn it, she was not doing it intentionally but that's what she is.

She is nice to everyone that she explains herself even to those who wronged her. But that's not an excuse to continue being the victim. She didn't want to be the victim but to stop being the victim, she should make others victim which she was not good at. She had to accept that she was not good at plotting/planning. She was never. Once or twice, she may have succeeded but they succeeded because it involved someone's life/death but mostly, she wasn't good at it. That was why she wanted a simple life where she could tell people's mistakes/faults on their face, where she could get them punished without any need for extensive drama, where she would be believed without proofs. She didn't blame anyone for her situation. She knew her life was such that she couldn't expect all these. She believed in her bhagya and to her dismay, it often brought more baggages than happiness.

Maybe they were right. She should have changed. The bitter truths of her life should have hardened her heart. She should have stopped dreaming and hoping. That's what growth or development is. The irony of her thoughts sounded funny to her. But she decided that she no longer wanted to be strong. She wanted to stop being optimistic and become weak, or to say it in other people's words, she decided to become strong.

She should stop expecting things from him. Well, it should be easy for her since could understand him even when he doesn't meet her expectations. She could find a valid reason almost every time when he failed her expectations. If you praise her for that, she would tell that you're wrong because she would say, it's because he is good that she couldn't find fault in him. She really doesn't need praise. She knows very well about her life and the things she failed at. If at all, she could listen to someone praise something about her, it would be about her 'kumkum' because it's not about her, it's about him.

Maybe she would stop expecting, if she stopped loving. But it was difficult for her because she was so hopelessly in love that she couldn't doubt her love even once. Love is a dangerous thing. Maybe that's why she was distancing herself from the concept of love all these years. Maybe that's why she didn't believe Bulbul's dream guy version of a married life. Maybe 'love' was teaching it's dangerousness to her which she didn't realize it all these years.

Your thoughts are welcome!

👏👏It was just perfect.

Nive 👏👏

Thank u for this awesome os 👏👏 Beautifully written 👏

Good one Nive. 👍🏼But...why do I feel like it needs a continuation? Maybe because of Pragya's current predicament. Haha...

Good one!

Though I know she will not think like this, I wish she did.

Nive , it's so beautiful 🤗 👏 !!

So now we know what Toska means! Your story so beautifully builds on Nabokov's definition. It might not be a precise match but I think it's quite similar to what I understand to be the meaning of the Hindi word 'bechaini.'

My favourite lines:

...for she knew monsters no longer were characterised by disproportionate body parts or gelatinous mass.
Love this description - succinct but fully creepy!


In fact, they were hidden behind beautiful and innocent looking faces. Faces of people who could go to any lengths just to achieve what they want.
Uff! So accurate to Pragya's situation, it hurts my heart to think of her monsters

...it's the pain of wanting a normal life. She didn't want a life without problems. She was practical enough to know that a person can't be happy all the time and problems are inevitable. But she didn't want to be strangled by larger than life problems.
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS. It's not wrong to want normality. And it's absolutely phenomenal how Pragya on the show continues to cope with every bit of abnormality that comes her way with only the rare breakdown or expression of frustration. I like that your story humanizes her with this simple thought.

But still some people couldn't identify her kindness because they termed it as her weakness
Perspective is everything isn't it 😒

How could kindness be a weakness? Wasn't that supposed to be a strength? That nothing that happened in your life could stop you from being nice.
YES, YES, YES! Being steadfast to your values and your nature IS a strength. Never letting life defeat your inner goodness is strength. Extending compassion when the world shows you none is strength. Thank you for this.

She didn't want to be the victim but to stop being the victim, she should make others victim which she was not good at.
This beautifully describes the core of Pragya's character. She has a hard time hurting people to help herself. She can hurt people if she believes it's for the greater good but not for her own good.

That was why she wanted a simple life where she could tell people's mistakes/faults on their face, where she could get them punished without any need for extensive drama, where she would be believed without proofs.
Such a beautifully simple wish. We sure want this for Pragya, though on the show she barely ever seems to want it herself.

She didn't blame anyone for her situation. She knew her life was such that she couldn't expect all these. She believed in her bhagya and to her dismay, it often brought more baggages than happiness.
Again, note perfect description of Pragya as we see her on the show! Except, her dismay is not often expressed, ut we have seen it often enough to know it exists, at least sometimes.

Maybe they were right. She should have changed. The bitter truths of her life should have hardened her heart. She should have stopped dreaming and hoping. That's what growth or development is.
No. They were wrong. That's what defeat is.

She wanted to stop being optimistic and become weak, or to say it in other people's words, she decided to become strong.
Not strong - numb.

She really doesn't need praise. She knows very well about her life and the things she failed at. If at all, she could listen to someone praise something about her, it would be about her 'kumkum' because it's not about her, it's about him.
I said this already - but again perfectly describing our Pragya as we see on the show. As for knowing her failings - more like she takes on responsibility for even more failings than are truly hers. And YES to her accepting praise "about" her that's not really about her at all!

Love is a dangerous thing. Maybe that's why she was distancing herself from the concept of love all these years.
Yes, maybe. I love what you have explored here - a self-protective kind of shutting down for Pragya, a moment when exhaustion, doubt and wariness threaten to overcome the unfathomable inner strength that keeps her going through her thankless life. It's a direction my mind often goes in, wanting Pragya to have a real response to her pain instead of sublimating it all as she works on other people's problems. I think on the show, she's supposed to be showing that love can keep you going even when it's destroying you. But I think it's really important to step back and consider what a terrible impact that can have on a person psychologically. Thank you for writing and posting this to show how that can be.

Glad to get to read this Nivz! Thank you ❤️ 👏 🤗

How did I take so long to write my comment that I missed the first page! Aha re 😲 😆

Can we have this Pragya in the show 😭