14 jul '09:big things, little things, long, caps!

y'know? being away from home is sometimes not the greatest feeling on earth. 'specially when you have to be proper and mind your p's&q's all the time. *sigh* maybe she knew that i was going to be miserable tonight. pcp actually came over and downloaded the show on my laptop before i left in the afternoon. we made a deal that i'd see it at the ''right time'' -- ie, when she'd be seeing it on tv.

er... i cheated. 😃 hey! i was getting bored waiting for the flight! not my flight that they were boring me while keeping me waiting!

* little thing: heer opens the door and sees... the moon.

er... was there really no-one else who thought -- even for the teeniest moment?? -- that it was the moon that rang the door bell? no? *burying face in my hands and really worrying 'bout the time i'm gonna spend at the asylum*

* heer thing: i don't know why, but when heer was at the door, looking around for whoever rang the bell, and she paused seeing the moon, and smiled at it -- i suddenly felt like crying. her companion every single time that she has been alone, and in need. that darned moon has always been with her -- unlike pretty much anyone in her life. that smile had such gratitude, almost love in it.

such a small moment, but so brilliant.

'cause then ... that smile slowly faded away.

when prem came and stood in front of her.

and y'know? i cried in my heart then. i did.

* confession thing: i think the last i cried on this show was 10/02/08. and that was 'cause of so many things. today? today, i cried just for prem-heer-are-one. 'cause they are soooo one and yet one of them is fighting so hard against it. leaving both of them sooo clearly hurting.

'cause today heer hurt prem. she didn't lift a finger against him - but she hurt prem. as much as he has ever hurt her - maybe more. 'cause today maybe he lost a sense of always being prem-heer-are-one? today, i'm left hopelessly hoping that prem the valiant who stepped up from that mandap and ended up declaring to the world that prem-heer-are-one will be stepping up to heer soon and reminding her that prem-heer-are-one -- just to her. with all that fire - so that she can believe that it actually means s'thing! and is not just something that we say on this phorum. 'cause today when heer hurt prem, i thought it was all 'bout heer shouting to prem that she needs him desperately just now...

* prem-heer-are-one thing: is odd, no? when the show started, it was heer fighting against prem-heer-are-one. there, 'cause of a misunderstanding between her father and lj. now heer is fighting against prem-heer-are-one 'cause of a mess put together by envy -- envy of prem's love by gaali-maa. envy of meher's marriage with preet by ashlesha. such strange things conspire against prem-heer-are-one. i sooo want them to be happily-ever-after after this.

* harman-preet thing: 😍 six years they don't talk to each other -- but his brothers have never lost sight of what makes prem unhappy, or what it takes to fix it. once they know he is, was, has been all this time, they hound him to fix it! go lakshman-bharat!
six years too late, tho sahi. better late than never, i say! woot-woot! 😆

* little thing: btw, at the start i wanted to hurt prem today -- totally physically! like with a good thwack on the upside of his oh-so-pretty head!

and i'm not even going to mention that stoooopid ''i'm never going back'' prem-bit at the airport.
''i haven't come to take you back with me''. great. just great.

you just had to say that to make it clear to her, right? and to me, who have been wondering why you haven't asked her even once if she wants to come back to you. of course, you had to tell her that. brilliant my pretty duffer - not!

and i'm not even go into that gol-gol lj-style bhashan about ''for the last six years, i've not lived my life. but you..you should live your life!''
omg! we are back to mr. prem i-know-what's-good-for-you juneja.

no wonder heer got bugged -- i was totally woot-wooting when she said '''kay fine. you want me to get married? done!'' *slam door shut!*

* editing thing: 'kay, they really have to stop howing us flashbacks of that prem-getting-tandooried shot! they do! 😡

* prem-heer thing: prem stopping heer from shutting the doors on him. ''bas, itna hi?'' ''bas, itna hi!''

and for once, i loved what prem told himself then: ''the same people, the same love, the same story, and the end of the story is ... bas, itna hi???'' 😆 prem! if it had been anyone but you, i'd have thought that had a touch of delicious irony. it being you... *sigh* you were just being sincere, weren't you?? *sigh*

but wow, prem -- for the first time, an original profound thought. yes, please do ponder -- it just can't end that way! go prem! get back to being boss-prem, and solve this problem!

* heer thing: heer collapsing against the door after she shut it -- that was one seriously traumatic moment for her.

but! she has no time to feel traumatised 'cause there comes a cry straight to her heart: ''mama!!!''

y'know? i've been thinking a lot 'bout prem and heer and how their miseries have been different 'cause of a post/questions from shanta (shantaus) in the wtf of 07/12/09. and this one moment reminded me sooo much of the different ways in which prem and heer suffered. prem had the choice of how to deal with his misery -- he shut himself and his pain together off from everyone he loved or loved him, and worked in a dark, empty world. heer had no choice -- she had to deal with the pain with the constant needs of a baby growing from 0 to 6. and seeing that baby today -- happy, smiling, content, confident, smart-as-her-boss-prem-papa -- heer has become a master at locking the pain in her heart, and allowing none of that pain to touch her child.

a child who is always there -- whether she wants it or not; can deal with it along with everything else, or not. and today's moment was a perfect demonstration of that lack of choice for heer. heer wanted to cry at seeing prem again, after hearing what he wants from her, after having to push him away. but she has not a moment to herself. 'cause the moment that cry comes, everything else has to be put aside to deal with later - which she does... ''ch..chahat? chahat!''

* chahat thing: hmm. she smiles like her papa. she cries like her papa. and comforts herself by hugging her mama around the middle when she cries like her papa.

(chahat-source: http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=1214919
prem-source: http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=1194342&TPN=18)

seriously, this kid is a brilliant piece of casting. those ears, those eyes -- all heerish. those cheeks, that mouth with it's naturally down-tilting lips -- all premish. brilliant casting choice!!! ⭐️
*and hey, that's like her mama - ag-as-heer - and like her papa - hc-as-prem - too!! all perfect casting choices!🤣*

* heer thing: omg! what were you reminded of when heer was comforting chahat and telling her not to cry??? when heer said: ''chahat is strong. chahat will be fine.''

c'mon!!! that was sooooo hip-hop prem's instructions to his little nephew on how to deal with problems!!!! heer is sooo copycating from prem there. 🤣

but *sigh* just as it had made me saddish to hear prem warning his nephew to get tough to deal with the world, it made me saddish to hear heer soothing her child with that sentence too. although with heer unlike with hip-hop, she does also say that ''mama is with chahat.''

but - heh. so that's why chahat keeps addressing herself in the third person -- chahat is copycating heer! man! we are soooo in the middle of a family of copy-cats! 🤣

* chahat thing: 'kay, i seriously think we owe little chahat a big thanks here! she whines that she can't sleep without hearing mama's ''apni wali kahani''.

* prem-heer-are-one thing: which means we get to hear what heer has been telling chahat all these years about prem-heer-are-one. and even more importantly -- prem gets to hear what heer has been telling his daughter about prem-heer-are-one!

most interesting: ''one day, the princess made the prince go far away from each other. and the princess was very sad..'' oh! so the princess ... er... heer knows that she made the prince ago away!!! omg! i need to know what exactly happened six years ago!!

another one: ''the prince and princess were very happy together. but even though the princess and the prince loved each other very much, they had caught the attention of some evil. and had to seperate.''

* chahat thing: chahat rocked again with her impatience -- ''mom, this is the same old story? you mean nothing new happened??'' 😆 or when she asked rather sadly ''... and the prince?''

darling! 🤗she is such an interesting kid!!

* prem-heer-are-one thing: btw, i totally giggled when heer's cinderella ''got a job, but the prince had to leave 'cause he couldn't; 'cause of the recession.'' i was giggling madly there -- with the show this time, not at it! no wonder chahat knows so much about the world (when she had told hotel-owner uncle ji that her mother being the client was sooo much more important than his owning the hotel!!! i loved that! and now i know where she is getting this stuff from!! go heer!! go chahat!)

but then, of course, all giggles died when chahat's next (sweetly sad) question 'bout whether ''the story ended there, mummy?'' was answered by a shaken male voice! the way prem's voice said that first ''nehin'' -- like he couldn't bear to stay away from that family of his anymore.

ooooooh, prem! you heard chahat crying for mama!

* prem thing: omg. so he was standing outside the room all the while? from the time that heer was comforting chahat? listening to that story.

from just what i can imagine of prem standing outside that room -- from the start! -- makes my heart race. of course it would take that much time for him to get into the act! he must've been shocked out of his head at seeing heer with a child -- the child that he was downstairs urging heer to get. the child he has always wanted to see heer with!

oh man! prem wanted a child for heer!

* chahat thing: her response at seeing him was ... brilliant! ''mama, yea tho... lekin aapko yeh kahani kaisey maaloom?'' go chahat!! ask the same thing again!!!

nice touch: you'd have thought that she would be startled at seeing a strange guy in her room at night. but she was mostly curious. even though her mother was looking more troubled than she, she was just curious at the hotel-owner-uncle-ji coming towards her with such deadly intent. *gorgeous, but deadly. the perfect prem... 😆*

seriously, heer is going to have some explaining to do to chahat, i think!😆

* heer-chahat-prem thing: *sigh* their first shot together -- and it's under the kindly gaze of the moon!!!

how perfect was that??! *khushi!! i'm dying here -- i neeeeeeed caps!!!*

*and after khushi put up caps at
http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=1214919
ai-haaai, mar jawaaaan!!! 😍

(continued below -- i did say ''long'' in the subject, didn't i??? )

** brilliant new emos: all learnt at teacher triv's pattshala 😆

* prem thing: prem looking through heer-chahat pictures on the wall.

more than anger, what i thought was brilliant was the total disbelief that heer could keep this from him.

i loved how he kept repeating ''six years'' over and over again. *heh. didn't he sound a little like me going on and on about ''six years''? 😆*

prem still sooo believes that heer loves him, that prem-heer-are-one. *sigh* which is why i've never understood -- why have we've gotten to hear his belief more than we've gotten to see it play out? we are seriously overdue on an active demonstration of prem's belief in prem-heer-are-one -- and man! i can't wait to see what they have in store for us on this front!

* heer thing: man! heer knows exactly how to push prem's buttons. she knows him inside out, every little thing about him. even though she hasn't been with him in six years, she still knows exactly what to say to push him.

and the weirdest part of this show today was - that for the first time in all my life with prem-heer-are-one, heer today hurt him deliberately. in the open. to his face. she hurt him - with deliberation and effect!

earlier too, heer has hurt him. when she planned to leave him after ajmer, she hurt him -- but that was for his good (or so she thought). then when she wove a web of lies around samir-in-leather, she hurt him. but that was for his good too (or so she thought).

today? she hurt him -- but this time, it's not for his good (or so i think). it's actually for his daughter's good (or so she thinks?)

'cause i remembered what heer had said two nights ago to prem: that she has lost all hope for love, all interest in life. there is only thing she lives for. and that is chahat. who as she said today '''cause i love her very much.'' and we all know that when heer loves, she loves absolutely. (anyone else remembered the night of their phirst phingoli when heer said ''i love you very much'' in just the same way to prem?? 😍

** heer hurts prem 💔#1: when he asks her how she could keep his life away from him, she sacted furious!! ''yes! let's go and tell her now, who her father is. her father who doubted her mother. so much that he... '' but of course, being heer of prem-heer-are-one, she doesn't really say anything after that. 'cause being heer who knows how to push prem's buttons, she knew she didn't have to say anything! she knew prem would have got it.

* prem thing: 😍 so sweetly he said -- even though he is wounded to the core of his guilty little heart -- ''whether you say it or not, the truth can't be changed. and the truth is that i am her father, and she is my daughter.'' omg! that delivery, that look, that voice -- it was perfect!

and you know why i wanted to cry with joy here?? neither of them have even the slightest whisper of a question that chahat is theirs -- their daughter. i was soooo haaappy!!

* prem thing: more sweetness -- ''what will you tell her (about me) when she asks? that her father left? why, where, how -- what will you tell her?'' and i cried 'cause he cares so much to know what his daughter will know of him!

at this point, it was not even like he was asking for chahat -- or anything. all he wanted to know is that chahat knows about him! knows who he is, what he is. and he was asking heer for reassurance of what she will tell him. and .. that tore at my non-existant heart. truly. prem!!! 😍

although, i knew it -- i just knew the moment that he started a lj-style bhashan that he was stepping into such deep poop!!! oh man! that was sooo stoooopid of prem to start on -- ''tajurba'' that a father gives his child!

*btw, i had to look it up -- tajurba means ''experience'', ''worldly-wisdom''. man, that was sooo the wrong thing for prem to have started on -- and actually, i was glad heer stopped him from his lj-style bhashan. i'm beginning to have high hopes now that when prem and heer get back together (physically, ie), prem will grow up into a guy who will not do lj-style bhashans 'cause his heer will not let him! 🤣*

* silly heer thing: er... heer? that line ''i am your mother and your father'' is sooooo not gonna work as an answer to the question ''who was my father?''. trust me. after sixth standard biology, that is soooo not gonna work!! 🤣

** heer hurts prem 💔#2: oh man! this one really really hurt. y'know? i grinned hearing that prem had the traditional view on what the role of a mother is, and the role of a father is to a child. very traditional. 'cause i don't see it being true in the world today.

but heer -- who knows her prem so well!!! -- saw how important it was to him, and she left no single piece of him left standing after she was done with ripping that one word connected to him to shreds, no? ''your tajurba -- that is what you want to give her??!''

and heer's genius -- call it evil if you want 'cause it was being used to hurt prem for the first time in her life, but it was genius in knowing her prem that well! -- is that she took that one word, opened up to everything that prem has considered himself in his life (upstanding, righteous) and prem has been in prem-heer-are-one (loyal, true) and ripped him up -- shockingly? -- without mercy.

i could clench every muscle in my body and hold myself together when she talked about his principles. but when she started talking about ''her prem'', her perfect lover and how prem is no longer that? that wrenched at me -- i could imagine what it would do to prem.

* prem thing: 'cause there is really nothing that he can say in defence, can he? he knows who she is. she is heer of prem-heer-are-one. she has been prem-heer-are-one without him. nothing that she has ever done has hit at prem-heer-are-one like the things that he has done. and she uses that fully! ''you want to meet my daughter? on one condition: give me back my prem.'' (omg, ag's voice and diction and dialogue delivery on that one line deserves every single acting award we can offer her -- she was perfect there! actually, she was perfect in this entire segment.)

* heer thing: and you, i, the world can see the knowledge of his complete vulnerability in his eyes. and of course, heer can see it with crystal clarity. and what breaks him - and me - is that she looked that vulnerability in his eyes, hears the plea in that voice saying -- trying to say! -- ''heer, meri bachchi...''

and of course heer couldn't bear to hear his voice then! not broken like that! 'cause that voice would have broken that strange resolve of hers -- fight to keep prem out of her chahat's life. and so she just kept talking, her voice riding over anything that he might have had to say to touch her, make her want to stop!

* prem thing: maybe six years of suppressing her grief and misery has given heer lots of practice in controlling herself in front of people. 'cause prem was completely heartbroken then!

being prem of prem-heer-are-one, he can see what she is telling him she will do. that she will besmirch the very thing, the only thing! that he had been desperately asking from heer for his daughter; the only thing that he thought was worthy of giving his daughter -- his identity. what will she tell their daughter about him? he sees that she can make his image ugly -- and that is one thing that he just cannot bear the thought of! prem was soo desperate that that one little thing he can give should be shining. oh, poor prem.

* seriously? i knew he was being a big duffer right then -- 'cause all he had to do was stop, and call heer's bluff. of course, she wouldn't do it!! but i couldn't find it in my heart to think of him as that then. 'cause he was just being so desparate about heer not spoiling that one little thing of his that his daughter could have of him. and he was obviously reeling under the barbs that heer was using to push him away! *

* prem thing: although... even though he is primarily focussed on his daughter's knowledge of him, he still has the prem-heer-are-one-ness to wonder: why heer is doing what she is doing? *thank goodness! if prem hadn't asked, i would've lost my faith in his brains!*

• ''no heer, you can't do that toour daughter'' (oooh, hamari bachchi from meri bachchi. prem!!!😍)
• ''what has happened to you??!!! you love me so much -- today, so much hatred?? all as punishment for ''ek bhool''?'' oh dear. prem... *tears on my cheeks*
  

and every single thing that he said later -- was said with such honest feeling that today, that long bhashan like narrative became just that: a narrative. of what he has been going through all these years that he was away from her.

and a narrative in prem's deep voice. it was all i could do to stop myself from bawling. he sounded like he truly felt alone for the first time in six years! as he said: he always thought that there would be a time when they would meet -- either unhappy or happy. he was always holding heer in his heart -- all through those six long years. in his mind, prem was never alone! but today, heer's words -- her apparent hatred for him -- made him feel like she had thrown him out of his life. he was finally feeling alone.

prem! if only her words hadn't hurt so much that he couldn't bear to look at her, he couldn't see heer just then!

* little prem thing: he doesn't talk to his brothers who are in front of him for six years about his misery. and yet, in one meeting with heer pushing, and he spills every single deep feeling out of the bottom of his heart, to lay at her feet; uncaring about what she will do with it. with such blind incarying faith in his heer... even now. prem!😍

* heer thing: i have no idea where heer got the strength to put together her weapons of prem-torture. i have little clue of what gave her the fire to use them to shatter prem's defences so thoroughly. i guess being alone, without him for the last six years, struggling to bring up a little child on her own, without baby's father was realy hard.

she has got such strength -- but all that is still vulnerable to prem's pain. she was spitting fire and disdain at prem. she had to -- to keep his voice out of her head until she got her entire diatribe out!

cause when he finally does get a chance to speak, heer looked like she had no more strength left. when that broken prem voice asked her where her love has gone, heer had no energy, no fire left to say anything. from that point on, heer looked like she was using every bit of herself to not shed one single tear. she looked like she was using every bit of her inner resources to stand straight, be stiff, not to allow her lips to tremble, not to allow her hands to go to prem's face, to wipe his tears. out-of-focus 'cause the camera was on prem, you could see her shake with that effort... heer! 😔

* estee thing: and i wanted to be prem's little echo: ''why are you doing this heer? why? why are you pretending like you hate prem? why, heer, why? what is so important that you are willing to tear prem away from you? what is so important that you will hurt yourself by hurting prem? how will that keep your daughter safe and happy? why are you doing this, heer? why?''

* prem-heer-are-one thing: why is she fighting prem so hard? as if she is fighting to break prem-heer-are-one??

then i thought: although i may feel that undue importance is being given to the ''ek bhool'' as poor ripped prem later asked heer beseechingly, both prem and heer will treat that ''ek bhool'' as the most central focus of their problems. 'cause that is the way they are. they are ... timeless. and when you have been born in ancient fires, such things were important. then, and so will be important even today.

i realised - that is actually part of why i think of them as special. that both of them consider such things important -- even today. there is a principle to prem-heer-are-one that these two have coded in every part of their being. i don't know what those principles are. but the violation of ''that principle'' -- whatever they choose those principles to be! -- will have to be resolved, internalised before they can carry on the flame of prem-heer-are-one.

only problem is: today, i didn't think that the violation of prem-heer-are-one principles was what kept heer's fires aflame. she was not pushing prem away on disgust. she was pushing prem away on a certain something that had ...purity of love. as if there was some greater evil behind her words. 'cause heer herself looked ... pure.

'cause if she hadn't felt that pure, prem would not have responded the way he did -- wondering what happened to her love, wondering at the hatred. prem would've been disgusted and .. left. and 'cause of that wondering prem response to heer's threats, and

• remembering how piteously heer asked harman not to tell prem 'bout chahat,
• remembering how sternly heer told chahat not to call that unknown hotel-owner-uncle-ji khadoos, and finally
• my inherent belief in the heer of prem-heer-are-one, 'cause she is still prem-heer-are-on as much as prem is.

i will w&w to see why heer did what she did. if it was the same old story, i would wonder. but there is something new in this story (to answer little chahat's question):

and that is chahat. for whom her mother lives. for whom her father will walk away as long as her mother will preserve a shining memory of him to give to her. for whom her mother will sacrifice anything -- maybe sacrifice her father for her happiness.

me? i somehow don't think any more sacrifices will happen -- 'cause little chahat will not permit heer to sacrifice her happiness anymore. or her father's happiness once she gets to know him. and prem will not permit heer to sacrifice prem-heer-are-one to the evil. 'cause i seriously think he knows gaali-maa has a role to play.

i'm soooo w&w to see how this story goes forward!

i do not think that it ends with prem walking out of heer's house and taking a flight to can-atta. no matter what he said today: ''hamari beti kay vaasta'' i will leave. 'cause what is important is what he said at the very end without looking at heer: ''lots has changed, but one thing remains. even today, i will do anything to see your happiness. i will do anything to stop a tear in your eyes.''

*sigh* prem. you should've looked at her then, prem. really. she was at breaking point -- all you had to do was look at her. and you'd have seen that it was all just a lie. the hatred was a lie. the love is the truth, as it always will be. go tell her that prem-heer-are-one, prem. and convince her that you will fight battles together -- and vanquish whatever evil is terrifying your heer. go tell her, prem. tell her!

edit add
* hc-ag-body-language/voice/.. 'kay, hc-ag thing: 😆 i should be asleep just now. but i just wondered if i'd said this at all in this bt,lt -- these two are brilliant as prem and heer! oh, the body language was so perfect!! as prem comes into chahat's room -- the way heer pulls chahat to hold her close! and prem being with heer, standing close to heer, begging things from heer -- but is gentleman enough to not touch her. not to allow physicality into the picture. part of that ''prem-heer-are-one principle thing'', i think. man, that rocked!!! they just rock!

i soooo want to know how much of it is direction and how much is thought out by these guys understanding their characters well... seriously want to know! 😆
edit end

highlight of the episode: the whole darned show. totally. today i cannot pick. today, the show was perfect. well, maybe except for heer saying that her answer to her daughter's question about who her father is! that was ... poop!!! 🤣 other than that, everything was perfect. 😍

i'm here i don't know estee....but i'm confused........

i was waiting for this .will be back after a while

Waiting for part 2. will be back.

I was waiting for this :) Looking forward to Part 2!

hey guys!!

darling mod-am happiness -- so that's why it's not up!!!

no worries -- i'll try and remember to put 'em in once you've got 'em up!!! 'cause this one just begs for caps! no? 😆

see you later guys. i've got a really hard day ahead... and it's already 3... 😔

well ,,,,,,,,,,unable to read all,,,,,,,,but i feel the same way that how cum he say ,,,,,,,,,,he will not go back to heer,,,,,,,,,,,it's only he who made mistakes all the time,,,,,,,,,,,,,like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,goin' to marry ashlesha,,,,,,,,even the truth of manmeet was out b/w premeer,,,,he could take a step at that time but lately wen heer was get abused badly he took the decision,,,,,,,we remember it as 18-19 june 08,,,,,,,,,,,,,,later wen lallu was injured in an accident then he almost forgot heer n ran after his family,,,,,,,,,,,,then wen that bulshit bomb blast happened,,,,,,,fake heart disease,,,,,,,,,he still didn't want to cum back to heer,,,,,,,,,n now b4 leap he misunderstood heer,,,,,,,,or u can say,,,,,,,,disbelieved heer,,,,,,,,,,how cum yaar,,,,,,,,where is that pure trust gone at that time,,,,,,,,,,,though we r the only witness of prem innocense but dear no single woman can bear that her beloved husband sleep with sum 1 else,,,,,,,,,ao i think if heer doesn't want to c him again is right ,,,,,,,,,,,he must has to face sum hurdles b/w them,,,,,,,,n yeah ofcourse the way heer was shouting at him showed that she still want him desperately,,,,,,,,,,,,he has to knee down again for her love,,,,,,,heer still has a soft crner for him in her heart ,,,,,,,,,,,,or u can say the whole heart of her is now his,,,,,,,,,,,,,well u may noticed that i m after prem,,,,,,yeah sure this time,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i m so crossed cos his dialogues ,,,,,,,,,,mein tum ko lene nahi aaya,,,,nahi tumhari life mein wapus aana chahta hoon,,,,,,,,,,,sumthing like that,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it makes me annoyed,,,,,,,,,,,well i think in yesterday's episode ,,,,,,,,,,dialogues r not properly written 4 both premeer,,,,,,,,,,,,wat u say dear estee,,,,,,,