CHAPTER 20 She smiled and looked up at the vast misty sky, aware that it would soon betray signs of the morning forecast….she squinted and turned away from it, as the first drops of rain hit her and Zaara. The rain and the positive temperature was quiet unexpected…because it was February…it was supposed to be cold just like it had been last month…or last week infact. But, she didn't mind it, not when she had to walk all the way to the bus stop with Zaara's stroller, it was much easier without all the 'dirty' muddy snow, and the slushiness had all gone, the roads were much clearer, and now, it was raining just like spring! It was as if spring wanted to be early this year…early to be the season of her son's birth….yes, it had to be a boy, she could feel it….she almost knew it……somehow.
'Mama' Zaara said, and reached out as the rain pattered on her tiny hand…she laughed heartily apparently fascinated by the rain drops, that were now spilling swiftly. "Yes Beta, it's raining…" she said walking a little fast now, because she had spotted the bus, but she couldn't run to catch up to it…like she usually did…not now with herself and Zaara. "And mama has just missed the bus…" she sighed as she finally reached the recently crowded, but now empty stop. "Haha, mama" she giggled pointing to a squirrel that was frightened out of its wits, by the stroller's sudden intrusion. Yeah, Zaara was completely oblivious to what she was saying; she was probably looking like an idiot talking to herself, all the way…Zeenat thought, as she waited for the bus.
Thankfully, she had to take just one bus to the doctor, otherwise it would take her longer, and frankly she hated using the transit system. It seemed so long since she had actually used it, she almost always had Zeeshan to pick and drop her, plus now that it was so close to her due date, she felt a little conscious going out…
"Finally…" she muttered, as the bus arrived after a good ten minutes…She stepped into the bus with Zaara's stroller…and sat on the first available seat. "Second one?" she heard someone say, she looked sideways because she had a feeling that someone was talking to her. She found an elderly lady, her pant a little too loose for her, she had a white sweater and shawl carefully wrapped around her, and gold-rimmed spectacles circling her slightly wrinkled eyes, looking down at Zaara. The lady looked up at Zeenat, at which she said "Yes" and chuckled when the lady said "Good, good beta you should get done with them one by one...that's what I always say…" she smiled and added "my mother used to tell me that when I…" and then she abruptly paused, a sad smile on her face, but continued almost as quickly, "Where are you heading?" as if that brief sadness was an illusion, "To the East-end hospital, I've my last check-up before the 'D-day' " Zeenat said winking, trying to ignore the nagging feeling, that wanted her to question that fleeting sadness…but reality is such that it often leaves you questioning…rarely letting you ask them…seldom giving answers. "I'm heading that way too, I work there and, don't worry you're experienced now, trust me I've heard it gets easier", "Oh, I don't think so…" Zeenat said knowingly. The stop arrived soon…or perhaps because she was so busy talking to the lady, she didn't realize the time…
They got off at the bus stop…their ways parting as they entered the hospital, but before that Zeenat said with a smile "It was nice talking to you…I hope to run into you sometime…". The lady returned the smile, and walked her way. 'Damn' she hadn't even asked her name…
*** As Zeenat exited the hospital to head home, she worked hard...very hard to control herself…to control the tears, and she did…she managed to keep a straight face until she had reached her room. She picked Zaara from the stroller, who had fallen asleep on the way, and placed her in the cot. She looked at her for awhile, and then when she couldn't hold them anymore she slumped on the floor nearby sobbing…holding the rails of the cot, to keep herself from prostrating on the ground. She recalled the words of the doctor that she would have extensive bleeding during the delivery, they had ways to curb that, but then again there was a chance that she would not make it. The 'chance' that she could die, was eating her alive. "Why…why her…and why now…why so soon…" she thought as another tear splashed on her lap. "Why don't you calm down" she said in soliloquy to her stubborn heart that kept beating in fear…in anticipation of what was to come…
She had decided that she would tell Zeeshan, but just enough to keep him calm and most of all happy. He was her support, and if he would break down she wouldn't be able to survive, and if these were her last few days, then she would try her best to make them the best...
*** Zeeshan entered the room, tired from his day at work, yet the sight that met his eyes brought an instant smile on his lips...
Zaara and Zeenat were both sitting in a corner...Zaara was busy talking with Zeenat... ofcourse what she was saying was a mystery....but Zeenat was in her own world, her knees hugging her, she was busy scribbling down something, her face and the paper both hidden behind a pale blue veil, a few of her dark tresses hiding the remainder of her profile...
Smiling he made his way towards her, unbuttoning his shirt as he walked to her, she didn't seem to notice him...he kneeled down beside her intending to snatch the paper from her, but she seemed to notice his presence the moment he sat beside her. She looked up at him a little startled, and hid the paper behind her...a small smile creeping on her startled lips...
"Are you writing love letters behind my back...?" he questioned, "Maybe..." she answered mischeviously, "Zenny...if I get my hands on this letter...or this lover of yours...I'm gonna..." but she instantly silenced his lips with her soft hands. "Sshh...Zee you don't have to...I already know you would rip them off..." and she gave him a tender kiss on his cheek. He grinned satisfied with her response, not to mention the kiss, he loved it when she kissed him on his cheek...it was an innocent act, but it made his heart tingle each time...
"Well, give it to me, I want to know what you were so busy writing..." he asked his hand outstretched, "Zee its personal...plus I promise to let you read it when the time comes..." she said, hoping he would leave it at that. Now that he had looked at her clearly he noticed her eyes were slightly pink, "Zenny were you crying again?" , "No" she said, Damn! why did she feel like crying all over again when he sounded so concerned for her, "and what do you mean by again...I don't cry all the time you know" she said, but a stubborn tear dropped, "Why are you crying, Zenny, look at me...what happened?" he said tilting her chin up, so she couldn't hide her expressions from him.
Something was wrong, he could feel it...and he hated the sinking feeling he had, whenever she cried. When she didn't say anything he said "Zenny you better tell me, or I'll snatch that letter from you, I know that's the reason you're crying..." , "No, Zee that is just something I'm writing for you...and I promise you can read it, but only when I'm finished with it, and when you're ready for it..." "Then why are you crying..." he persisted, god! He was stubborn. "Fine, I went to the doctor, and it's not a big deal'" she said quickly at his worried expression "She said, I would have some complications..." her heart sank at the look of pain that crossed his handsome face… "What complications?" he prodded, his heart thudding dangerously, their baby was probably in danger... "Just a little bleeding...I was just scared, it's nothing to worry about..." , "Did the doctor say it's nothing to worry about?" , "Yeah" she lied, promising to herself that she was lying for his happiness, for her own happiness...
"Hmm..." he said assessing her for a while, she was certainly hiding something from him...he knew it, from the fake smile she had pasted on her face to reassure him...
When he couldn't take it anymore he asked a little more sternly "What are you hiding Zenny...tell me the truth...and don't say nothing, because I know it's not nothing..." She could see he was angry, but she couldn't tell him the seriousness of the situation, that the doctor had actually mentioned that there was a chance she could die...because the truth was she didn't want to believe it herself, and then again it was just a 'chance', all of this was probably just a false alarm...she wasn't going to, she couldn't die, she was too young...
"Zee, I...I was crying for the bleeding...it just sounded scary...you know me, I cry over everything..." she said attempting a chuckle...
This was weird, he thought because she never admitted that she cried over everything...even though it was true...she did cry over everything...he relaxed, she was probably crying because she was scared. He put his arm around her, his long fingers caressing her face, and asked her once more, "Zenny, tell me the truth did the doctor say it's nothing to worry about, that you and the baby would be fine..." "Yes, she did...they have ways to handle it" she lied again, well it was partially true, they could handle it...besides it was just a chance, and as she lied to him, she felt better because she believed she would make it through....Yes she would make it....she was done with the letter addressed to Zeeshan...she would keep it somewhere he was bound to find incase...just incase she died...if not, she and him would read it together and have a laugh over it...yes that thought cheered her up...they would laugh over it, with Zahir in her arms, and Zaara in his...
He saw her smiling, this time a real one. Pulling his cheeks, she asked "Why do you worry so much when I cry..."
"What sort of a question is that? I love you, I care for you, and your tears are the worst thing imaginable to me..." he said whispering the last few words to her, as he held her face, and kissed her forehead.
"Zee, enough haan...your attempts at romance do not impress me" she said pushing him away from her, yet she needed his help to get up. So she stood up by holding his shoulders as a support. She was very heavy these days, it took her some effort to stand back up, so she usually took him as a support...and her claim on him…her actions, made him smile...he took her hands and kissed them...
"Hmm...chalo, dinner's ready..." she said turning away from him as she took Zaara's hand in hers. God! He was so loving...and she was blushing, as always...she wondered when she would stop blushing at his little gestures...
When she had turned away from him, he quickly made an attempt to peek into what she was writing, but he stopped as soon as he heard her saying "Zee...if you so much as touch that paper...I'm never going to speak with you again..." He sighed and left it there...he couldn't betray her...damn! why was he so good...
*** February 14th : Zeeshan left early from work, today was valentine's day! And he was definitely getting her roses...red ones...just like every year...
He stepped into the tiny florist's shop, the door chiming as he entered. "A dozen red-roses" he said as he tapped his fingers on the counter...he wanted to reach home early today, because he wanted to take her out for dinner tonight. "Sorry we just have one red rose left, but we do have other shades..." , Damn! He should have come in earlier, figures it was Valentine's Day after all.... "Ok, just give me one red, and a dozen peach..."
He put the roses in the passenger seat near him, and rushed on the highway. The strong fragrance of the roses was now prominent in his car.
He cursed the traffic, at this rate it would take him an hour or so to reach home. He sighed...and cursed...then sighed again.
He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel as his current favourite played, atleast the song would keep him company...
Pehli nazar mein kaisa jadoo kar diya...tera bun bhaita hai mera jiya...jaane kya hoga kya hoga kya pata, is pal ko mil ke aa jeele zaara...
mein hu yahan...tu hai yahan meri baahon mein aa...aa bhi jaa...oo janeja...donon jahan...meri baahon mein aa bhool jaa....baby I love you..ooh I love you soo...
"Oh jaaneja...hmm hmm hmmm" he hummed...with the song. He noticed that the traffic was a little better than before, but still he knew he wouldn't make it home on time...His frustration on the traffic was interrupted by the ringing of his cell... "Hello aunty..." he paused... "Oh don't worry I'll try to make it as soon as I can, I'm on the 410 now...tell Zeenat I'm coming..."
God! She was in labour...he had to make it to the hospital on time...but the roads weren't clear...he wished there would be no complications, hoped that everything would turn out ok, that she and their baby would be safe...
An hour later he reached the hospital...the parking, the elevator...everything was trying his patience, he was already late, Zeenat would be very angry at him, he was sure of that....he should have never gone to the florist, he should have left earlier from work, he should've....Oh! what was the point, it was all done, all he could do now was wait and see...and if she was mad, then he had his ways, plus he smiled, he had a bouquet full of roses...with just one red rose, and he would probably tell her something along the lines of "Just one red rose, because you're one of a kind..." something that would bring that beautiful dimple on her face...
When he reached the operating room, his heart almost stopped...something had happened because he saw Zeenat's mom leaning on Imaan, she was crying...and then as he increased his pace, and quickly strode across the long hallway he saw almost everyone of his family was crying and consoling each other....Zaara was in Imaan's arms, oblivious to everyone, yet even she had a frown mimicking everyone else…
"What's wrong is Zeenat okay?" he said, close to tears himself... it was getting increasingly difficult to breathe now... "Beta, the doctor said that there was a haemorrhage, and they are trying to stop it...but..." her dad couldn't continue anymore, as he broke down. "But what…?" he asked frustrated. Her parents were not in a state to answer, so he looked around at Imaan, Ayan, Vasim and Kanwal who were standing at a corner, looking away from him, not meeting his eyes…his lips twitched, he tried to control the twitch, but it didn't help...they didn't want to cooperate with him, they wanted to scream in anguish, in anger, in pain...they wanted to kiss his Zeenat, they wanted to speak to her...and as he looked down at the roses a tear splashed onto the red rose...disturbing the petals…
He heard a distant voice; it was Ayan bhai asking him to meet with Zeenat. He didn't bother answering, just turned away from them, and towards the operating room. The nurse was holding their baby boy…he held the little child in his arms, trying hard to keep himself stable…to steady the unsteady beating of his heart. He spoke with the nurse about Zeenat and how much risk she was in…we will not go into the details of it, suffice it to say that it was given that she would not survive…
Reader….you cannot feel what Zeeshan felt… you cannot feel the way his heart split… the way his heart ached…nor the way his heart cried…unless you had the misfortune of loosing a loved one…forever…
He motioned the nurse to leave them alone for a while.
Sitting near Zeenat, who was still unconscious, he caressed her calm face with his long fingers, "Zenny…" he whispered in his strong voice, which threatened to stop… "why are you doing this to me…leaving me all alone…" his voice broke down, as he rested his head on her chest, and cried. He couldn't take it, why was this happening to him? He had never in his wildest dreams imagined that he would live his life without her…that destiny had decided to leave him stranded…because without her he was stranded…he was incomplete…he would never be the man he was…
She stirred a little, sensing him on her. When she woke up she noticed he was crying, she couldn't see her Zeeshan so weak….she had to make him stop….to give him the courage to live without her…and yet her courage was slipping away even as she thought of it…because she was asking him to be brave…brave after her…her death. The thought of death chilled and warmed her heart to the core….and yet it didn't matter how scared she was because…death was inevitable…certain…and most of all punctual…
"Zee…Zeeshan, look at me….don't cry, Zee please…look at me…" she said softly. He looked up at her, because she had asked him to…her dark eyes were twinkling…reflecting the tears in his own eyes. She smiled at him and said, "Today's valentine's day…look at me Zee" she said when he looked away at the roses…He shook his head in a bitter laugh, he didn't care what day it was, all he cared right now was that he was about to loose her, and the days wouldn't matter to him after that…
"You brought roses…ah…one red rose just for me…thank you…" she said attempting to make him smile, but he wouldn't…he looked away to hide his tears.
His mind was blank; he could barely remember what he had planned on telling her about the roses…
"Hold my hand…" she whispered, and he obeyed, looking down to hide his tears, but they splashed on her hand…she hated to see him so torn…and yet, even in this broken state, his strong cold hands, his long shivering fingers that caressed her own palm, were soothing and gave her the support that she needed now more than ever...
"Zee…talk to me…" she said and he obeyed again…but his voice and his words were unstable… "Ze…Zee…Zeenat…" he whispered as he touched her forhead with his own…his tears were now melting with hers… "Tell me…tell me Zenny…how…how will I…how will I live….without you…"
He heard her soft sob at that, and she was trying hard to breathe steadily, he panicked at the way she was breathing… "Zenny, are you ok, love…", "Yes…don't worry Zee…I'm fine, it's just a little hard to breathe…just don't make me cry…" she said chuckling, her eyes were closed, and he could see that she was trying hard to steady her breathing…
When she opened her eyes, she saw his light eyes looking expectantly at her, with some difficulty she brought her hands to his face, holding his face in her hands, she said"It's a boy…he looks just like you…bring him here, I want to see you hold him" He knew she was attempting to divert his mind, because it wasn't clear who the boy looked like…it was too early to decide…so he smiled…a sad smile, and held their son…and said "How can you tell, all he looks is pink…"
She chuckled at that, and it lifted his heart…
"Zee, you better name him Zaheer…" she said softly after a while, when he had placed Zaheer back in its cot, he was unusually calm unlike most babies… "We will name him Zaheer…together" he corrected her, and covered her hands with his own, tightly supporting them as they held his face… "Hmm…yes we will…" she said softly, knowing well enough that she wouldn't make it…She wanted to laugh at the things she had imagined, she had imagined going home with Zaheer, she had imagined Zaara pleading to play with Zaheer, she had imagined feeding him…with Zeeshan close by holding Zaara while she slept………….
God! she had imagined a lot hadn't she…the future was just a blur, but she had made sense of the blurry images...to the point where she believed that she would live long enough to see her children grown up and married…and being a 'dadi' 'nani' and…………
She sighed she had longed to make love with Zeeshan…to kiss him…to hold him…forever….and yet, even as she sighed at her fate, she knew her wish had come true…she had gotten her forever with her love…Zeeshan….even though the forever was limited…and soon coming to an end…
"Zenny…", the question in his watery eyes was obvious to her… "Zeeshan trust me, you'll be fine…" , "No, I won't, I can't live without you…" he said stubbornly, he reminded her of Zaki now…. "Sshh Zee…" she said placing her palms on his lips, he kissed them, "Kiss me, please Zee…" she said as a tear trickled down her cheeks, he kissed that tear on her cheek, and then her lips…it was a soft…a tender…a real kiss…something that he would remember forever, something that she would remember forever…
When he felt her breathing uneven, he stopped immediately, "Are you okay, Zenny?" he asked, she chuckled at the worried look on his face, "Stop doing that Zee…please you're spoiling the romance… now kiss me again…"
"No, it's hard for you…I won't…" he said annoyed at her, "Zee, you will kiss me when I ask you…"
"No…I won't…" he said stubbornly. She chuckled and caressed his face, "You know I love you for this and so much more don't you?"
He smiled as he took her hands in his own…and then kissed her forehead tenderly and said … "I love you for who you are Zeenat, I love you for the way I am when I'm with you, I love you for the children you've blessed me with…I love you Zenny…I love you unconditionally, and I will always love you…I will always…always…love you…and I wish…I can only wish that I could have lived a lifetime with you…I…Zenny…I love you soo much…how will I ever live without…" and she embraced him as he broke down, his words a mumble as he buried himself in her…and she let him…she let him cry his heart out…
*** As he drove home from the funeral…his thoughts went back to the funeral. Seeing her serene face…as if she was merely sleeping and would wake up anytime telling him it was all a nightmare…it was the hardest thing for him…knowing that she would never speak to him again…never be at his side. His nights would always be cold without her warm presence, his days would burn without the chill and calm breeze her laughter and her words brought to his heart. Now when he looked behind him, or beside him, he would only hear silence…not even a whisper…not even an echo…of her beautiful voice would ever meet his ears…and that…that was hard….very hard….
It is very hard dear reader, to loose your love to death, so early in life…because you must live a lifetime without them, and everything…everything…reminds you of that one person…and that was how life would be for Zeeshan…
He looked sideways on the empty passenger seat, and remembered how she had caressed the cold leather, the very first time she had sat in his car…how happy he had been, to have her beside him….
aiso gaye pardes piya tum…chain hume nahin aaye…chain hume nahin aaye…mora.. saiyyan mo se bole na...
The journey of life was his alone…and he would have to live it, whether he liked it or not…
tu jo nahin to aise piya hum…jaise soona aangna…jaise soona aangna…
He distinctly remembered closing his own eyes as he uncovered her face, to place her into the grave…the white sheet covered her body completely from head to toe. And as he and her father placed her into the six feet deep grave, he shuddered a little...it hit him then just how lonely Zeenat would be in this grave, with nothing but her own deeds as a companion…he made a silent prayer for her just then…that she would be rewarded the best in the hereafter…
When she was finally buried…he couldn't help but remember the lines from her favourite book "Broken Wings"
The farewell-bidders left the cemetery; the grave digger stood by the new grave holding a shovel with his hand. As I approached him, I inquired, "Do you remember where Farris Effandi Karamy was buried?" He looked at me for a moment, then pointed at Selma's grave and said, "Right here; I placed his daughter upon him and upon his daughter's breast rests her child, and upon all I put the earth back with this shovel." Then I said, "In this ditch you have also buried my heart."
A tear splashed, as he remembered the last line…hadn't he asked her to keep his heart and give her love to him? He smiled despite himself, she had said "Zee...I'm glad you asked for my love…because hearts die…My love for you will never…" He tightly curled his fist in his pockets, as he remembered her dimpled smile for the umpteenth time…The locket that he had given her was buried in his hands, he had to remove it from her neck before burying her…and as he tightened his fist, it left an imprint of a heart on his palm…
Soona soona dil da aashiyana hai…sooni zameen soona aasmaan hai… khoya khoya rehnda mera paagal dil…aaja lautke hoor aabhi ja…
People from all over had joined in for the funeral prayer…and when he completed the prayer behind the Imam, he prayed for her along with the huge crowd…he prayed for her afterlife…he prayed that she and him would be partners in paradise…and he prayed that the journey before the day of judgement would be blessed for her…
Most of all he prayed for his own strength…to live through this…to be a good father to his children, and to make up for Zeenat's love in their life…which he was sure he couldn't make up for….because a mother's love is irreplaceable…
*** He felt a whisper "Ssshhh Muma", and then two chubby little hands, tightly hid his already closed eyes…. "Guesshh" she whispered her curly hair tickling his face, "Hmm…who could it be…is it Zaara…Zaki…Zaheer…hmm…No…No" he said feeling her hands, "these hands can only be of a little boy" Zeeshan said, "Nanuuu…" she whined, "these are Zaina's hands and she's not a boy, she's a girl!" she said opening his eyes, and came forward to reveal herself, and said "See, its your Zaina, its not a boy…" He chuckled at her expressive face… "I lost again, I just can't guess who it is…I guess you'll have to keep playing until your nanu can recognize you…" he said to Zaina, as she sat on his lap, her legs swinging back and forth unconsciously… "I guesshh…" she sighed dramatically, shaking her head and her dark curls…
"How did everything go?" he asked Zaara, who was leaning against the door frame. "Everything went fine, they have asked for a little more time to decide if they're interested, but from the looks of it, they will say yes…" she said, referring to her brother Zaheer's marriage proposal.
"How're you Zaki beta…" he asked, the gentleman who had just entered the room, he was tall, slightly tanned, his straight dark hair were a little dishevelled, and a warm smile that made him very approachable, forever danced on his clean-shaved face, "Fine, Uncle, but how're you, Zaara said you were not feeling well, is everything ok?" he asked a look of concern crossing his face, as he sat across Zeeshan….who was his Chacha, Khalu and now his father-in-law. Zaara came and sat near Zaki, her dark hair gently touching him as she brought her hair to one side. She was his wife for six years now, and yet everytime she was near him…he had a strange feeling that lifted his spirits…a feeling of contentment and belonging…it was just like the first time that he had realized he was in love with her…
She looked at her dad, he had a strange look on his face, a faint smile…something she had never seen before…. "Dad, what's up?" she asked smiling, "Well, I just remembered, that I had a few things of your mom that I wanted to pass on to you…" , "But…" she said confused, "you gave me all of her stuff before marriage…"
"No, I didn't give you everything…" he said as he opened his bedside drawer and removed a sleek silver necklace with a heart pendant…and a sapphire ring "Here…" he said handing them to her…she wore the ring, it fit perfectly and said "It's beautiful, and this heart its so unique, it has Z written on it…" she smiled as she admired the new gifts her dad had given her…and the best part was they were her mothers… "Zaki, can you put it on for me?", "Sure" he replied. When he had fastened the necklace, he touched the heart, and said with that same smile "It suits you…" , "Thanks" she said, as she briefly looked into his dark eyes. She knew that he knew how much she cherished anything that was her mother's…perhaps that's the reason she loved Zaki so much, because he understood her in a way no one ever could…He was her cousin, her best friend, her lover…and now her husband…her thoughts were interrupted by her dad….
"I just didn't give them to you because I thought I was meant to keep them…but they are yours, atleast Zenny says they're yours…" Zeeshan said, with a warm smile…
That caught her attention, "What did you say?" she asked, confused that she had heard him wrong… "It was all in this…" he said fishing out a letter from his pocket, he smiled shaking his head… "Its for me, from your mother…dated ages ago…I have an idea of when she must have written it…" he mused, "but the point is…I was meant to find it…and I did…that's fate…after so many years…" he sighed…and left it at that.
He didn't elaborate anymore, how he found it, when he found it, so they didn't ask him more about it.
The trio: Zaara, Zaki and Zaina left from his place late at night…
As she slipped into bed that night, her thoughts wandered around today's even….This was how her father had always been…secretive about his own thoughts and feelings…he was always there for them, cared for them, understood them, but he never ever shared more than he had to…about himself, his life…nothing was ever about him, or her mother, there was simply no mention of her, as if she hadn't existed. She was sure he loved her, because Imaan aunty had told her how much her father loved her mother…Zeenat, was her name…Zenny they had sometimes heard him calling her, how sweet! Zenny…if only she was around now…Zaara mused.
"Baby what's up?" Zaki asked her as he carressed her hair, "Nothing" she embraced him "Just thinking…" He kissed her forehead, letting her think peacefully, he had an idea of what she was thinking…he always did…
Zaara's trail of thoughts continued that night, even as she slept…her thoughts were filled with her parents…This was the most he had ever talked about her mother, with that smile on his face, and that was enough for her, she cherished it. All she ever knew about her mother was from her aunts, she would ask them about the necklace, and the ring…and if they didn't know the story behind it, it was even better…she could imagine a million possibilities…
That's what she found so exciting about her parent's life…it was mysterious and unexpected…always unexpected…like today her father had mentioned her mother, as 'Zenny'…how cute…she sighed…once again, as sleep engulfed her tired senses…
*** Zeeshan had finished his night prayers, and was now folding the prayer rug. There was a strange calm yet excitement that surrounded his heart today…a strange energy, that had surged into his self, somehow the depression that he had been feeling for a few years now, was slipping away…
"It's night now…and I'm all alone again…but why don't I feel the loneliness tonight? Why is my heart calm, and peaceful tonight? Is it because of this" he said to himself looking at the letter in his hand…he had read it a couple of times by now…
"Yes…maybe it's your letter, but Zenny…it can never replace your presence, your sweet voice, your conversations…no…no this letter, all it has done is make me smile…tonight…it makes my heart peaceful, because it has refreshed your memory…that's all…and if I had found it then, it wouldn't have meant as much to me, as it means to me now…fate and destiny is planned…and perfect in its imperfections…" he mused, as he slipped into bed, placing the letter by his side. Unknown to him these were the last few breaths he would take…
***
"Dad, I'm gonna go out for a bit…" Zaheer said, peeking into Zeeshan's room. He smiled his dad was asleep, they didn't interact much…but still he loved his father very much…He walked upto the bed, to see his figure, he liked to sometimes come into his dad's room, just to check up on him…
His profile was still…too still he noticed, panic crossing his heart, he quickly bent down, and shook his dad, when his hand slumped towards him, his heart gave away, and tears splashed unconsciously onto his dad's face…
Refusing to accept the reality he attempted CPR, not that he knew how to do it, but he was too panicked to think straight....and as the panic increased, he understood the reality of the situation, and called 911, and Zaara. As he kept beseeching his father to wake up, he noticed a letter carelessly lay beside his father; he picked it up, and realized from the first few lines, that it was from his mother…
Despite the noise, and the chaos surrounding him, as the paramedics made their way into the house and declared him dead…as Zaara came…as everyone gathered at their house…and as everyone wept for the loss….all he could do was shut himself in his father's room…and read that letter…which was addressed to his father…by Zeenat…his mother…
Zee…
If you're reading this letter and I'm not by your side laughing…then I'm probably…I shudder to think about it…infact I don't want to think about it, now…because I want this letter to be something that you will remember me by…not something that you'll read and cry…so try to laugh and smile when you read this…because I wish that you always smile, that lopsided smile of yours…
What else? I'm out of words at this point…oh, yes, Zaara is beside me blabbering something, I wish I could hear her say 'papa'…she knows how to say 'mama', by the way I'm pulling my tongue at you right now, because she loves me more than you…and Zaara has just copied me, so there…she does love me more than you…
Zee…I hope you're not mad at me…because I knew there was a chance I wouldn't survive…but I couldn't tell you that could I? Because I don't like to make you cry…unlike you…remember the first time we met?... You gave me the world's worst halwa! And how can I forget you ruined my favourite dress… and I had to wear that ugly grey one instead on the Mehendi ceremony…God! You were so angry, just because your sherwani was ruined…uff! You don't know how much I hated you just then…actually I can't imagine why, but I was so scared of you…and you made me cry a lot that night, and I will never forget that…and speaking of crying you have made me cry so many times Zee! I've lost count...it's like I've a crying episode (thanks to you…) every week…And even though I have forgiven you…which I always do, because I'm a really good wife =P ….I will never forget them…because frankly….I love the way you ask me not to cry…infact sometimes I continue crying just to see you fighting for words, to make me stop…you look really cute when you do that…Zee…in case you're wondering I'm laughing right now…and Zaara has faithfully mimicked me again…she does have a wonderful smile…mashaAllah…I wonder how she will be when she grows up....I'm sure she'll be beautiful and smart just like…..me? You better not deny that...
What else? ….oh yeah I remember the way you proposed to me…you were so romantic…not that you've lost it…you're still the same…infact yesterday night was amazing…oh God! I can't believe I wrote that, I'm blushing Zee…I hate it when I blush, and you're not even here…sometimes when I just think about you…and I do that a lot… specially after you've done or said something really touching, I start smiling you know…and you of all people know how easily that smile turns into a blush, specially when its you I'm thinking about…
You know right after we were married, we had a party at our place? And remember you came in the kitchen, and I was taking out the biryani, and you said… "It's hot just like you…" well guess what…after that I couldn't stop smiling, infact Imaan di caught me blushing…! That night was special by the way…
Oh Zee…we've come a long way haven't we? We're parents now…and it makes me wanna love you even more than before…if that's even possible…
You know what I'm happy about though…I won't have to live without you…and my dua for a lifetime with you….my one and only Zeeshan…came true…and I was privileged to have your presence every day of my life….because frankly I couldn't have lived without you…
I don't have much time to write…because you'll be back any second now…and I don't want you to end up reading this letter…so I'm gonna end this letter…I wish this is not my last letter to you…I wish that I'm sitting there right now reading this and laughing with you…but I can only wish all of that…I don't know what the future holds for us…so I will not think about it much…because…our destinies are written Zee…and I wish that after me, you'll not forget that you've a life…you'll be a good father and mother to my dearest Zaara and my baby Zaheer…I think I felt him kick…
You'll enjoy, smile, laugh, be angry…make people cry…be a perfectionist…and always always remain the Zeeshan that I fell in love with…
And yes….you'll never ever marry again…because I'm and will always be your one and only...
Love...Zenny... &nb sp;
P.S: You better hide this letter after you're done…by the way I'm glad you found this letter, I thought hiding it in the Broken Wings, would be the best place, you were bound to open it sometime, and it would be safe from anyone else's hands…and Zee, please gift the 'Z' necklace and the ring you gifted me on our wedding night to Zaara, I have a feeling she'll cherish it...and for Zaheer I've nothing...except my love, he has been a very silent companion of mine these past few months, with just one or two kicks here and there...and yes, I'm privileged to be Zaara's and his mother...and inshaAllah I'll deliver him safely in this world...
*** 😳a.i.c...
Edited by a.i.c - 17 years ago
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