manik musings

Love is painful, but the pain is certainly a blessing. Love is painful because love brings growth. Love demands, transforms and is painful because love gives you a new birth.

I should be over you by now, right? and I'm still clueless as to why. That was one of the worst mornings of my life, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I was in shock. 😭

When I said I was in love with you and that I was willing to work through anything; I was dead serious and I still am. (aise diwangi dekhi nahi hogi tumne(deewana)

I remember sitting there every night, wishing things would get better with us... Wishing we still Had what we first had... Knowing I still loved you Knowing I would always be there for you... Thinking we had all the time in the world... But it was cut short... The life we had together all the sudden ended... Everything I thought was true was not... I lost my self in that moment.. I felt like A terrible person... Everything I once imagined in my head of our life together all the sudden ended and would never be again. I knew that we weren't going to last in that place and time but I thought that, that was only in that moment of time... I never thought I'd lose you forever.(NANDU MATA agar neonika ne muje nahi bachaya hoga to mein toh gaya beins(tere ishq mein manik se bhains ban gaya) pani me(sorry salako ke peeche)😊

.. I never expected you to take care of what you thought was yours but I did think you had enough love there to keep some relation...(to trust me a bit...u understand a tiny bit)

I just wish I had meant more to you to be able to have you not let me go regardless of what you had discovered(rather manipulated to believe)... I wish I was worth staying with.(bahut filmi ho suna ta chachi se...bahut .kuch seeka he shayad ddlj shahrukh se...isliye to MUJHE dekha to ye jaana sanam...kya jaana tumne nandu)😆

It is one of my worst fears actually. It will mean that it is gone, the specialness between us is gone, and you have become a stranger. I was fighting you, but I was fighting you to try and have you. My coldness, the way you shut me out, it might have been a coping mechanism or it might have been because you didn't love me the same way at all, (I asked myself that question all the time) but it hurt because it felt like apathy and I'd have much rathered anger to apathy. It's why I riled you up so often. I wanted to see that I mattered. Apparently that was detrimental, but to be fair so was love that looked like apathy.(aur tum gaa rahi ho rukh jaa o dilldiwane poochu me toh zaara...(meine kya kiya manik) aur zaara sa joom loon me...😆

but I've never had the same spark with any other human being as I've had withyou. I think what we had was special. Maybe we destroyed it by foolishness, . Maybe it's a fire, mostly ashes,(jal jal ke doowa ho rahe hum)😛 that can be allowed to burn out or revived with the right amount of kindling and wind. I don't know what the narrative is.

at least know that I think that, that I think we have to let the past go in order to have a future. I have asked for forgiveness and thought that I had gotten it, only to have the story surface again. I don't know why you don't let it go, instead want to let me go of my past, (choo kar boli na chu na muje...roshni se bare bare...ga rahi ho ab tum)(ashoka)

Maybe my love was a giant wave swamping you, engulfing you, and you need stiller waters instead. Our love often was a war. I threw grenades, a bag of bombs, molotov cocktails, rocks, . Once a nuclear bomb too(remember dhruv) You besieged me, starved me, tried to cut me off at the knees, wait me out. There were casualties on both sides. Neither one of us had much of a fighting force left. Neither one of us knew how to call a truce.(tu ha kar ya na kar mein hoon teri nandu)(darr)

. But things are not always as they seem, as I figured out, as you know. Sometimes love doesn't in fact look like the love you want. Sometimes it doesn't look like love at all. . Sometimes what you thought was in fact love turns out to be a grotesque reflection of something else. . (as u fell from my pedestal)(mitwa kahe dadkane mujse kya...mitwa)

So my advice is to explore what love is, isolate the variables, have something to compare it to, but don't crumple up and throw ours away just yet. Take things slowly. It might seem special to you once more. That 5% chance, which I felt before too, might widen back up to 20% or 30% before you even know it. It might not, but then again it happened to me, and if we still have a wavelength (we might) and if we still have a pattern (we might) it means things hit you about 3-9 months after they hit me. So please know that I love you and proceed with that in mind,aur ab u can sing tu mujhe manik naakre didkane lage...chodo na chodo manik...zid apni chodo manik...(baazigar)

Love,

MANIK