"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."
Jim Morrison
I really want to gush about how adorable Manik was today but I think that's something already so discussed. I want to talk about how vulnerable he finally was. We've always sat and discussed and discussed and analyzed what is it that makes him so hard that makes him so vulnerable? Why cannot he tell her how much he loves her? Or accept it to himself?
And today he answered that same question with so much innocence.
Because for the first time in his life there's the fear of losing something that makes the whole of him. For the first time in his life it's not just loosing because he already has defeated his defeat. Because he already knows, to her, belongs, all that which he owns and which he worships, and all that which he is and which he was and which he will be. To her belongs, all that he ever could be.
For the first time a fear looms above the same sky he found solace in.
He fears fear.
He fears losing her.
He fears his imperfections.
He fears her tears.
He fears hurting her.
He fears breaking her.
He fears disappointing her.
He fears a life that has no her.
Most of all he fears the power she wields over him.
Not just the love and affection but her power to walk away from him.
He fears his mistakes and fears his wrongs and fears his anger and fears everything that once he prided so much.
He fears loving her to death.
He fears not being able to survive it.
He fears the intensity of his feelings.
He fears the consequences.
He wants to dissolve in her. He wants to give her anything and everything he can. He wants the euphoria that he's needed and missed all his life and the euphoria he finally discovered in her arms. He seeks the light of her smile and her positivity for he has seen cruelty and darkness all his life. He wants every single moment of his to be hers. Because every single moment apart from her is a moment that lacks all that she gives. A moment that feels so worthless. A moment that feels and smells like the air of a time she wasn't in. A moment that has everything but her. And how can he survive another moment as such when he's endured for nineteen years of his life? Nineteen years of life without water or without eyes and to finally have it? Will you want to part for even a moment?
Manik is consumed, Manik fears drowning.
Manik is taken, Manik fears dissolving.
Manik is hers, Manik fears not being hers.
Today was such a beautiful episode. All his walls were down. And he was vulnerable. And he was hers. And he let open a door to hurt and pain and darkness and he showed her all that he fears and all that he is and all that he used to but most importantly, all that she made him...
With her, he's him.
But who is the real him?
That's what he discovers every single moment that he spends with her.
She makes him want to be good...
She makes him want to believe...
She makes him smile...
She has become his entire world.
And for the first time in his life he fears the darkness nomore.
For the first time he's ready to switch the lights off and shower her with love just because it makes her happy.
Just because...she's with him.
He no more wants to win or lose from the world.
He simply wants to breathe her air.
He simply wants to drink her smiles.
He simply wants to lay his head on her lap and tell her what she means to him.
The only fear that lurks is the fear of losing her.
He still fears the kind of love that'd destroy him completely.
Because he never even knew such a kind exists.
That love could be that powerful.
That feeling could be that important.
That without that someone life could feel like such a farce...
Or without them there would be no life.
And that you'll cease to exist...
That kind of eternal love...happens only once in a lifetime.
Only beyond the fears will you find the sunshine...
And when he'll let it consume him, and accept it with open arms, he'll be complete.
And the shooting star he'd looked up at in the first episode and told he doesn't need anything more, will then look down at him, shake its head, and simply...smile.
This boy, it'll think, who didn't even know all that he was missing.
and then smile more realizing the wish of true love is fulfilled.
the wish he didn't even know he secretly made.
Nandini.
Light.
Life.
L o v e.
So open your eyes and see
The way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead
Into the night with me
And I know these scars will bleed
But both of our hearts believe
All of these stars will guide us home
"One word
Frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
That word is love."
Sophocles
RIDA
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