Hi friends….
to the Jokes of The Week Contest!!!
Well the name says it all……… this is a contest where u guys have to choose the best joke so far…. since it's the first contest.. the most recent jokes have been included in this…n some from previous months. (In case there r more than one jokes in a post, the best out of them has been selected) But from next week onwards we will select the best joke every week!! 😃
Now let me explain wat u have to do in this - a number has been given to every joke…and you have to vote for the joke which u think is the best…something that made u laugh out loud. You just have to post the number of the joke in ur posts. (maximum you can vote for 3 jokes😳) Finally the joke that gets the maximum votes will be declared as the best joke …and the member who had posted that joke wud be given a _________(Oops!! cant say… that's a surprise!!😉😉) pls do not just vote for ur own joke…but the one that's simply hilarious… 🤣
Here's the list….(the jokes are in no specific order…)
1 Ek baar ik aadmi upar se gir jata hai aur behosh ho jata hai .
Doctor : yeh mar chuka hai .
Jab us aadmi ko shamshan ghaat le ja rahe hote hai to woh uthh ke bolta hai main zinda hoon, tabhi us ki wife bolti hai chup karo, tumhe doctor se zyada pata hai?
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2 Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya
Aur karta hi gaya.
Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....
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3 The garbage men were just about to leave the street when a woman came running out of the house carrying come cardboard boxes.
"Am I too late for the garbage?" she called.
"No lady," replied one of the men."Jump right in!"
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4 An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
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5 A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk.
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6 When you ask a housewife, accountant, and lawyer what 2+2 is, what do they give you?
The housewife says "Four." The accountant says "It's either three or four, let me run it through my spreadsheet again." The lawyer closes the shutters, turns down the lights, and whispers "What do you want it to be?"
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7 A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. "There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning."
"Who shall I call," her husband said,
"Police or ambulance?"
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8 One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, how about doing Weeweechu?"
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once do Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "Ok ok, we'll do Weeweechu."....
(Scroll down)
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang....
"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
and a happy New Year
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9 A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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10 TEACHER: Where is your pencil, Harmon?
PUPIL: I ain't got none.
TEACHER: How many times have I told you not to say that, Harmon? Now listen: I do not have a pencil. You do not have a pencil. They do not have a pencil. Now, do you understand?
PUPIL: Not really. What happened to all the pencils?
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11 A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the
first day,she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce
themselves with name and hobby.She said, "Let's start with the boys
first."
Boys start giving their intro...First boy: "My name is John, and my
hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."Teacher was confused to listen but
said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next.".Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub." Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the
bathtub.". Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next". This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long.Anyway, now the girls please".
First girl:
"I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next." Second
girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes." Teacher "Now it's like
educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl , Yes you..." the Most
beautiful girl of the class : "Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is
to take a looooong bath in the bathtub."
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12 An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed it very much.
Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
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13 Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
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14 Girl: Did you like that cake Mrs Jones?
Mrs Jones: Yes,very much.
Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't have any taste
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15 "Ru Mad Test.......?
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defines whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well" said the Director. "We fill up a bathtub then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand" said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
Write down your answer and then scroll down !
keep going..................
keep going.......................
"No." said the Director "A normal person would pull the plug for the water to flow out."
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO HIS???"
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So guys what are you waiting for……. Start Voting!!!😛
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