OS: Goodbye.
14th February, 2012.
Writing isn't just putting a bunch of words together.
Feelings aren't just emotions you feel.
Emotions aren't just a sensation that goes through you.
Or at least that's what I think so.
Is it so wrong to feel what I feel? Desperation, fear, frustration?
Things haven't turned out right' Things have never turned out right.
I accept life hasn't always been easy for me. And they say that life isn't easy for anyone.
But I'm slowly starting to believe that's untrue. Well' at least for people who seem to write their own paths.
What is he feeling right now? What's going through his mind?! Because through mine, I'm just uncertain of what to think anymore.
I'm fed up. I'm tired. Do I always have to be strong?! Should I really even bother sacrificing my happiness for others when they won't even support me when I've crumbled?!
I should've just said no. I've been selfish my whole life. So why didn't I just say no?! I could've let someone else feel the pain for once. And for once, I could instead be the person comforting.
But I said yes. And now I'm stuck. Stuck like one is stuck in quick sand. Except, if I was in quick sand, someone would've helped me get out.
But here, no one will help me. I trusted him. I really did see the good in him. I understood what pain he felt.
But the truth was ' there was no pain! People who go as they wish don't need to ever feel pain! It was all a play, just to feel satisfaction.
I don't know why. If you make your own path then you wouldn't need to do this. You wouldn't need to feel satisfaction from acts like these.
I can't understand.
I know that if I could control what happened in my life, I would certainly not go and ruin someone else's. I wouldn't play games. Simply because I didn't feel the need to.
This may be crazy ' but he had been the only thing that was right. I don't know why. I don't care why. Because I felt comfort with him. It felt like home.
And now to find out that those moments were just really a lie. I can't take it. I don't deserve to suffer like this! Why should I?!
Why do I have to be in pain?! Why should I fight for my happiness?! Is it really too much to ask?
It's unfair. And I've heard life is unfair. But not like this. It couldn't be unfair like this. Or was it only to me?
Because if it is then I certainly don't want to live it. There is nothing here nor is there anything there.
I've been known to spread happiness to others and find the best in everything. But you know what the truth was? I only did that because I thought it would help. I thought that if I did all those things, I could feel happy myself.
It's not true. I don't feel that happy when I see others happy. But nor do I feel happy when I see others in pain' at least, when they actually are in pain.
I'm just confused and hurt.
It's too much to take in. Everyone seems to be perfectly fine and selfish when they see me in pain.
Am I just different? Unlucky? Unfortunate?
I really don't know. But I am not happy to be what I am. I don't want to be different. I want to be content and selfish. People only like their kind. It's all lies! It's all lies that people like different. They just want the same. The different don't deserve anything.
And once again ' I'm going to be altruistic. I'm going to give them what they want. So they can feel content for a while.
I can't bear to think of myself. Why do I always put everyone else first?! Why do I always put him first?!
He called me what he is ' a selfish monster. He called me what they themselves are. Are they really so blind?!
I don't care' but I know I do. I wish I could fit in their world' his world. But it's much too evil and manipulating. I can't stand it.
I'll be insulted and thrown away again. I'll be in pain again. And I don't want that.
I don't want to be them' but if you aren't them, you aren't anyone.
So before I leave, I want to try to make one last selfish wish. It isn't that much to ask compared to them.
I wish that Arnavji takes care of himself and stays just as he is which seems to be happy. Because even though he is just like them, a monster, he was the most 'different' I could find.
I guess I love him for that. Because he was them but he wasn't them.
So whatever he was, I love him for that. And I always will.
Please move on Arnavji and stay as you are. I don't know if you feel the same but I can't stand your pain. But nor can I take mine. I hope I'm doing the right thing. But 'different' just doesn't seem to work. So I have to do this.
I love you,
Goodbye.
Khushi.
He read it. He understood it. He cried.
She had it all wrong. He did it all wrong.
He messed up everything'again.
And now, there was no chance to fix it. If only'
Closing the cover, he went to the poolside and sat as silent tears poured down his face.
It was all his fault again.
But she still loved him. For the monster he was.
Stars twinkled as he poured his heart out.
She left. She was gone.
Sorry.
I just wanted to vent out my thoughts - thus I wrote this. So if you dislike it, just ignore it.
Dia
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