Posted:
The episode gave me feels, angsty yet hopeful feels. So here you go.
My eyes fill with tears, and my heart clenches, and I can feel them coming. I bite my tongue, trying to hold the tears that threaten to leave my eyes, when I cry it is never a neat trickle that falls from my eyes. It begins with a heavy feeling in my chest and a lingering sadness in my brain that makes me feel numb. The salty water that leaks from my eyes is the way my body copes with the turmoil inside, I can feel it happening - I feel the warmth, sliding down my cheek and rolling off my chin, and suddenly my whole face feels warm and my eyes flood.
His arms immediately go around me and my legs crumble, he holds me up like an anchor of a drowning ship, he tucks me into the crook of his neck and I can feel the moisture seep into his maroon shirt, my fingers dig into the fabric, like I am trying to anchor him to me, so he doesn't leave, not again. I try to stop crying, I try to speak, to tell him to stay, but it's like someone is choking me, the words won't leave my mouth. He pulls me even closer and I can feel his fingers gently running through my hair.
The sadness seemed to flow through my veins faster than blood, like a poison that kills off all other feelings to let only sadness remain like a blanket atop of me. I couldn't see the bright sun, feel its warmth or hear the birds anymore, the world seemed to be disappearing, but his strong heart beat under my ear keeps me there.
If anyone walked in that minute they would have been taken aback by the scene, standing in the middle of his room, with arms around each other, were the two of us. But there was this horrible sound around us, that I couldn't pinpoint.
"Sumo, shhh." He whispers, his voice sounds hoarse, and I recognize it instantly, it's what his voice always sounds like before he cries.
"Don't go." I whisper into his shirt, the shoulder of his shirt is almost brown after being soaked through with my tears. I want to say more, I want to tell him that he can't leave me again, that I won't be able to deal with it this time, that I needed him in my life, that he was more than just a friend- but I couldn't.
"I h-have to." His voice cracks and I can hear the sadness in his voice, I can feel the warm tears in my hair, and it breaks me because I know. I know why he's leaving; I know how important his family is to him. I know but I don't want to think about it. I want him to stay, right here, with his arms around me, forever.
"Please." I whisper one last try, hoping that something would change. The word hangs in the air, it is swallowed by my sobs and his sniffles. He says nothing, but I feel him place a kiss atop my head and his arms wrap tightly around me.
X-X-X-X
My heart twists in my chest as soon as the first tear falls from her red-rimmed eyes and rolls down her flushed cheeks. And when the sound of her sobbing reaches my ear I can't do anything but close the distance between us and hold her tight in my arms. It doesn't stop her cries, her face is resting on my shoulder, her tears are soaking through my shirt as a poignant reminder of how much this is hurting her.
She cares. She doesn't want me to leave, that much is clear. And I want to stay, I want to stay and see where this goes, where we go. Because I know that we're on a path somewhere between best friends and lovers, and I know leaving now stops us right where we are and over time we'd walk backwards. I don't want that because I know that my heart will never stop loving her and being away from her again would hurt more than anything in the world. But I can't help it.
"Sumo, shhh." I whisper, my voice sounds foreign to my own ears, I can hear the sadness in my voice.
"Don't go." She whispers into my shirt and my heart twists, I don't want to go, I want to stay.
"I h-have to go." My voice cracks, I want to scream, I want to tell her that I love her. I want to tell her that I have to go, but I want her to come with me. But how can I? She doesn't even know that I love her, and as much as I want to tell her I can't, not now, not before I leave and I know that if I can't tell her now I won't be able to tell her ever.
"Please." She whispers, her voice sounds so desperate, and I consider staying - but then I remember my dad's words...keeping the family together.
"I need to go...so everyone stays together." I say.
"You're leaving, that's not keeping the family together." She chokes out.
"I don't know what to do." I can feel the helplessness that is so evident in my voice and I break down, it is a long time coming, it was the first time I felt the sobs wrack my body in ten years.
X-X-X-X
When he cries there is a rawness to it, like the pain is an open wound that is burning. He usually clasped onto something for support, anything, usually furniture before his whole body would start shaking. And right now, I was that support. His sobs were quiet at first, I knew he was trying to hide his tears but then he breaks, all his defences wash away and all that is left is him and his feelings. I pull back and the grief on his face pierces my heart. Somewhere I knew that he was crying for a lot more than just leaving, his face was of someone who had suffered for years and didn't know if he could do it again.
His crying was both ferocious and quiet, his eyes turned red and his thick lashes stuck together in clumps, the tears made wet tracks down his face and disappeared into his stubble only to run down his neck again. I could feel his hands open and close, rhythmically clenching as if he was trying to grasp something that would make things better.
Seeing him like this somehow quietens my own sobs, but the tears still run down my face in a silent stream. "A few more days." I whisper holding his face between my hands, I can feel his wet beard against my palms. His eyes meet mine, and I want to scream because it's like I am feeling the pain in his eyes "We'll figure something out, we always do, together." I say looking him in the eye, I don't know what he sees in my eyes but he nods.
X-X-X-X
And as always, it's time for shameless plugs, check out my writing index here. All the other stories are fluff galore if this one makes you feel sad!
