PR Friends - i/o

A continuation from last year... for any friends who want to let anything out.

If you want a place to argue then don't bother.

I also made this thread because my old one is closed and I needed to think out loud... Most of my life as TB has been lived here in these little reply boxes. Feels weird to let it out anywhere else.

I've been feeling a little... sometypeofway... since the beginning of June. I can't believe it has been a whole year. I use the phrase "I can't believe" a lot, but so many things just aren't believable. For as large as an imagination I have, I rarely seem to concretely grasp anything.

I watched the videos Ankita posted on Instagram. I started with the picture slideshow. Every new unseen picture pulled at my heart a little bit. Like I physically felt it move. Not just in grief but also at the universe's comedy that we get so much of the ~content~ we were desperate for now, when we can never fully experience it without that deep sense of longing inside. But, somehow, the ones that made actual noises escape from me a little bit were the old pictures we've seen a thousand times. It's strange to think that at that some point, they, or maybe more aptly, she, cherished the exact same press release photos that we carried around as our profile pictures for years. The orange-saree-white-shirt-divorce-press-tour-in-Delhi picture hit me particularly hard. It takes me straight back to those extra long SBS videos, and, for some reason, that shared ice cream in the car. Every old picture brings back memories of our joy and excitement and speculation and neverending questions that still persist somewhere in our heads, or at least mine.

I then watched the little clip from Diwali 2011. I must be getting old, because I have finally forgotten the exact outfits worn on each Diwali. Young TB would be horrified. But, I realize I have forgotten so many things, and would forget many more if they weren't conveniently documented here in this alternate reality of ours. This video took me right back. That bedroom with that bright feature wall with its chipped cobalt blue paint. The random accoutrements shoved into every possible corner. We couldn't always see them but we knew they were there. Our access to this home was limited, and maybe it was better that way. Things always turned out better in my imagination, anyhow. This is the first time we got to see so much of this room. Something about this cramped, dingy space calls to me. I have never been to Bombay and am fortunate to have not lived in spaces I would consider dingy, but I can feel myself there, in that 59 second moment. Funny how we feel nostalgia for things that never happened to us. This evening I cannot stop thinking about her mother recording them dancing in the silly, carefree way they always did, while his mother watches from the framed photo on the desk, the same framed photo we would see in a very different context 9 years later. If I could go back and pause their lives - or perhaps, more accurately, my involvement in their lives - at any point in time, it might be this moment. Their lives were not at their most aesthetically pleasing point quite yet, but there was happiness. And fulfillment. And hope. Or so I will continue to tell myself. Do you ever wonder at what point the switch flipped to the wrong direction? Not just here but with anything that goes wrong. I guess we'll never know. But this moment, though I've seen it for the first time today, feels like it has lived in my heart for the whole decade it has existed. It feels like home.

If I ever come back to read this in the future I will most likely be cringing. But isn't that the case with my entire post history. I have done so much worse on here.

Somehow, the longest video has the fewest actual comments from me. (I say now, as I type, knowing fully well I am one of the most long-winded people I have encountered.) So, these are the treasures that were hidden in that camcorder all these years. I still cannot believe - look at me, repeating myself! - that she still has all of these videos. What a treasure to still have these now. I am sure there are many opinions out there on the sharing, or perhaps oversharing, of all of these pictures and videos on social media. But, though my compulsions to be omniscient will forever call my name, I now seek to only care about my perspective, which is that it is beautiful to be able to share memories of someone who is no longer with us. I had sometimes (read: often) imagined them doing poojas in their home. Don't ask me why. You already know I have imagined them in every situation under the sun. I don't actually know how poojas work beyond what I have seen on TV. In some way, this is so much more intimate than any romantically-oriented picture or video; I nearly felt like a voyeur with the 2 million others who have watched this. But of course I didn't stop watching. When have I ever? (When will I, if ever, is a pertinent question I should spend a little more time thinking about.) I enjoy the fact that these videos didn't contain anything particularly special or indicative of greatness. Just people living their lives, not knowing what the future holds but hoping for the best. Ankita's comment that maybe their children will be watching that video one day will stay with me. But, somewhere, I already knew that she was thinking about that all along. Maybe because I would think about that, too. And this past year has made me realize that none of us were too different than the other. They feel so human. I feel so human, unlike the dental form I have assumed for the past 12 years. Maybe this is what I needed. I currently have imagery in my head of pedestals falling. I never said I stopped being dramatic.

I cannot get the song yaadon ki baarat out of my head. It plays too often on Star Plus.

If any of my friends are reading this - I hope you are well. ❤️

I don't think there is a rule against talking to yourself, so here we go again.

I've done a lot of processing in the last day. Not even intentionally. It just keeps striking me. At one point today I caught myself mid-realization and nearly felt dizzy, but maybe that was anemia mixed with a tinge of anxiety. I had a feeling that would happen. Not the dizziness, but the sudden processing. I didn't think I would have to wait 5 years for it to happen. Better late than never, I guess.

I have said "I'm over it!" at least a dozen times in the past half a decade. But I never really was. Maybe I am not over it this time either. Will I ever be? (Another great question.) But I feel... acceptance. If yesterday the imagery in my head was of pedestals falling, today it was of a book closing. I feel like I'm in the epilogue. Literally "...one year later," as everyone makes their social media posts and moves on with their lives, and I feel myself moving along with them, instead of standing rooted in my fears.

The first time I said I was "over it!" was in 2016. For obvious reasons. I knew I wasn't really over it, but maybe I was trying to manifest it by saying it over and over. I never thought to term it as denial, but I suppose that's what it was. By channeling my energy (rage! love! who knows what!) to ignoring a person's existence, I was sitting squarely in the first cell of a chart on the stages of grief. It is so strange to think of any of this terms of grief. The word feels too... real? Wasn't this my fake world of escapism? The derivative of a fictional show? My happy place? I don't know where the lines blurred. I will always have some sense of regret for getting so far into it, but there I was. And, well, here I still am.

Then, last year. I was viciously evicted from my comfortable home of denial and anger. My days of double-birding the TV when his face was on it were suddenly gone. (Yes, I am indeed that immature.) I felt everything all at once. Shock! Anger! I bargained. I bargained so much. And I guess I was depressed about it, too. I didn't think about it that way at the time, but it makes sense in hindsight. I was obsessed again. I have written before about my unending desire to just know everything. Every. Thing. It's some kind of raw compulsion that I couldn't control until I decided to deny any of it existed. But I was back in full force. I only stopped when I physically did not have enough time or energy left to continue. And then I stayed away, again. I told myself many times that I was nearing acceptance. That I didn't like what happened, but it happened and that was that. But some stubborn thought bubble still bounced around in the back of my head sometimes, unwilling to let go. And then this month started. And I started feeling anxious. On Sunday I was legitimately nauseous. I was suddenly reading everything again. Logged in to twitter. Logged in on here. Refreshing Instagram far too often. Falling into my old patterns.

But then, I watched those videos yesterday. I dreaded it all day and I watched them in the bathroom at night. And I wrote my reflection. And I actually felt something... changing? I felt free.

I cannot adequately stress the importance of them suddenly feeling so human to me. In that last video clip, as I watched them laugh at butt being a homonym of Bhatt, I realized he is the exact same age as me. I can confidently say that I have no clue of what is going on. And they didn't either. They finally felt real to me in a completely different way than ever before. I knew it all along and yet I clearly didn't. But now I do. I only watched that video once, and it was all I needed. I physically felt the book closing. For the first time I didn't analyze a thing. I watched and I smiled.

It's amazing how we unknowingly put people on pedestals and keep them there. I was convinced that I hadn't done that. How could I? There was no way. But I didn't realize it until it all gracefully crumbled away yesterday. And it left behind two people. Just people. Colored and shaped by their choices as we all are. It also left behind a mirror. The reflection was unnerving, but I finally see myself again.

I obsessed for 7 years straight until it was "over." And then I relapsed for 3 months. And this time, 2 days. Maybe I will relapse again one day. But hopefully it will be even shorter.

Perhaps that inner, and sometimes all-consuming, desire to just know is finally satisfied by now knowing that there is nothing left. There is literally nothing left to know. Anything further I come across is something my heart already knew. The questions have suddenly stopped. Now I have no desire to know. I say this, knowing that I will still watch any new video that gets posted in the future. But I suppose the keyword is desire. I feel satiated instead of nauseous.

I don't think the sudden pangs of sadness will ever go away. The occasional daydream of what could have been. The memories of this weird stretch of time. But I've read the book. And there are no more sequels. No spin-offs. Things are squared away. And so am I... I think. The waves will keep coming. I don't think the ocean will ever stand still. But I will no longer drown in it. And that brings me peace.

I should probably delete this. But there is something comforting in charting my journey on here.

I hope you won't mind me coming here but I seriously wonder how people feel about Pavitra Rishta 2 especially after knowing that the news that came a month after his death turned out to be true. It was indeed Ankita who approached Ekta for this new season and to think about it she did just few weeks after his death when she claimed she was so devastated to even make out what's happening around her. Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to prove anything here or trying to force a negative opinion of her because I definitely have felt that Sushita fans think too highly of her and her love and devotion for him. I just want to get a justification for this. Any Ankita fanpage I talk to changes the topic everytime and bring everything from their break up to the justice warriors in the argument but never answer why suddenly Pavitra Rishta is being made.

Even I had a major heart change for her after his death. Mostly it was because I felt she did love him and wanted to start a family with him and somewhere him moving away so coldly might have left some bitter taste and that their story didn't deserve such a tragic end but as the days passed I have been so turned off by her. First the Zee tribute which didn't look genuine from any angle and the fact that she was so chirpy backstage and once the camera was on "Har dil shaant hai kyuki har dil mei Sushant hai" cringe. Also both she and Usha were paid for that performance. Then her flaunting Google most searched list, I remember one of the members wrote a long post giving their opinion on her behaviour and justifying it, although I wasn't completely satisfied I didn't think much of it afterwards.

Again few months after she gave another interview talking about how her career didn't go off as she rejected movies as she was "building" Sushant and how he just left her for his career. A full fledged interview where she indirectly throws the dead guy under the bus. Also she never cleared what roles she actually got and why she lost some of them. She was so vague. The interview was so damn inarticulate and also in bad taste because no matter even if she thinks she was wronged, the person she talks about doesn't even exist anymore and isn't here to give his side of the story and the next day headline show were like : Ankita gave up Baji Rao Mastani for Sushant.

I was initially pissed at her being part of a cash grab like Pavitra Rishta which was clearly being made in such a hustle because the makers wanted to make some money from the tragic death of their previous lead but after knowing Ekta is making this show on her wish I actually felt a pang of betrayal. This in no way is a tribute and she knows it still she doesn't think it's wrong? If not out of respect for him then at least for her own self respect?

I don't know if anyone here agrees with me but seriously no one feels that she has started basking in this sudden publicity his death got her? She actually gets a high from being hailed as this perfect GF who could have saved him and he was unfortunate to lose her.

She might have been sad initially but no way anything she says or does look genuine now. Since last one year she has only been in news because if Sushant related things. No other projects of her ( if any) are being discussed. 7 years after PVR ended she is doing a lead role and guess what it's again PVR and that too just because Sushant died.

Sushita fanpages confuse me even more, they have suddenly became active after his death and all are having a ball. Same with Sushriti fanpages, none of them were active when he was alive, even his own fanpages were inactive because he himself was inactive in last few years of his life. I suddenly see this love and support which wasn't there when he was here. Who are they showing it to? It's not reaching him! Also sometimes it feels more than a young guy with so many dreams losing his battle to a serious mental illness what saddens them more is their Sushita dreamworld falling down forever even in their fantasies. His struggle with BPD, him dying alone everything is brushed off with Oh he is happy wherever he is and is smiling down at every action of Ankita, he is proud of everything she is doing 🙄.. Of course just assume things because he won't come here to tell what he might actually feel... He doesn't exist!

Also sorry for coming here uninvited and for my long long post ( I doubt anyone will read it lol) there aren't many Sushant fans in this forum anymore so I just felt like ranting out my opinion in this chat club where I might still find some.