Sooo...this is also a long ass story in case someone into binge reading. 61000 words to be exact
Writing this gave me a closure i didnt know i needed.
"Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form."
― Rumi
The city was too noisy at first. Too many people, too many cars and bikes and scooters on road. Too much congestion, too less air. People running everywhere, everyone too busy. No one stops. No one cares.
What she liked about this one bedroom flat was that she couldn't hear any sound from her room. It was quiet. She liked quiet. Sound makes her uneasy these days. On some days, she sits on floor, palms over her ears to block sound. She cries every single day. The sound drowns out everything else. Its ugly, sobbing snotty mess. It makes her chest hurt, head heavy and sometimes bleeding nose.
The first time it happened, she panicked and went to a doctor. The doctor, a middle aged man who looked at her with disdain, scathingly said to stop crying and it will stop. She cried more after that appointment and skipped her dinner.
There was days she shakes herself away from bed, fixed bedsheet and pillow, moves curtain for sunlight and tries to breathe polluted air from her tiny balcony which is mainly used to dry clothes. Once the pretence is done- cornflakes for breakfast, coffee done, hair brushed and tied neatly in a fancy braid- she sat on floor and stared into nothing. The next time she blinks and comes to her senses, its dark outside and shes sitting without any light. Her clothes are damp with sweat and tears.
Just to kill time, she starts cleaning her apartment- scrub bathroom 3 times. Washes bedsheet pillow cover and her clothes every 2nd day. Fixes spots in her house- table should be there, just a bit farther to left. Cooker should be here, her clothes should be folded from right to left sleeves. Sweep and clean her floor, the walls, the ceiling fan and lights. Scrubs her kitchen every day and every night. It kills time. Her brain says sometimes its not needed- her pajama is clean. Her hands were washed just 1 hour ago and shes doing nothing. But she feels uneasy, so she cleans her hand every half an hour, washes her clothes, and when it still don't feel clean enough, she buys bleach, antiseptic, and hand sanitizer. Her apartments smells like hospital. Its fine by her. At least its clean. There is no spot, no redness, nothing. Its clean, tidy, neat.
She learns cooking too- money is tight for the first time in forever. She buys grocery, sees others bargain so she does it too, and gets happy when she gets 30 rs of potato in 28rs. She learns cooking from youtube, burns food a lot of time, then she abandons it and starts cleaning the house from top to bottom. With time, it's a skill manageable for her- at least she is not burning anything.
She tries walking in the nearby park every morning. When she misses one morning due to sleeping late after a full day crying session, she hesitates and goes in evening. She regrets it immediately- men in groups with alcohol bottle in hand catcalls her. They leers, watches her with hungry eyes. They hoot and say obscene things. It's the first time it happened to her and it drains everything in her.
She decided to protect herself. Self-defence would be a great place to start. It becomes obsessive too, like cleaning. In no time she is doing martial arts and crossing colourful belts and she is confident enough to go out after sunset. Not in the park though. Never there.
He offered her a job one day, and she debated with herself if she could do it. Its been months and she is comfortable in her daily home-cleaning-cooking-martial arts routine. She is no longer a people's person. She only talks to her trainer. She would be a horrible person for a job and ruin everything. It can be dangerous.
He comes to her home one day and after a stern words session later, she agrees reluctantly and rubs her hands in fear. Her hands shake when she tried to cut vegetable and she gives up on dinner. He did have a point- she cant spend all her life like this. To divert her attention, to get money, to not make her neighbour suspicious, she needs to do something. Might as well start from here.
She wakes up early- steams and irons her formal shirt and pant, cleans her shoes, stands in front of mirror for a long time looking from everywhere if anything is missing. Her hair is pulled back in a ponytail, an intricate design of braid on her crown. Just a lip gloss- the first make up put on her face after all these months.
The office is full of old men who ignores her at first, belittles her when she tries to do something different or say anything. They are senior, they are men. They know everything. They taunt her and laugh among themselves. They ignore her too, makes a group within themselves and gossip about other people. But she says nothing- keeps her head down and works. She don't say anything to Him as well. He got her a job, better to push through it.
She knew men can be cruel, but never like this.
Months later, she gained a little confidence in herself and applied for a different position. To her surprise, she got it too. She called him excitedly and shared the news. He didn't know she was going to do this, but at least he didn't dampen her mood. The men at her office though- they were not that considerate. They teased and taunted her mercilessly, shared horror stories about her new position and scared her to the point that she was sleepless once again and dreading the new job.
Maybe it was not a good idea at all. That's what she gets for trying to reach for something which she is incapable of.
First day of the new position, it was raining. She obsessed over mud stains on her pants and had a crying session in bathroom, her chest hurting and breathing coming out wheezes. When her wrist watch buzzed with alarm, she washed off her face, fixed her eyes and tried to walk confidently. The boss was in his cabin, he was nice- at least, not like other men in her old position. He spoke softly, asked about her previous work, and called for someone who, he said, will teach her.
Shree, it turned out, taught her everything about life.
The first thing he asked, "You know Bengali?" and when she shook head, tutted.
"I will teach you that too."
He was all over her life instantly. He was the light she found unexpectedly, when she had lost all hopes for. His bright eyes, warm presence, constant babbling kept her monsters away. Her day started with his good morning message and with good night when he will drop her home.
He will ask- why don't you smile more?- and say something to make her laugh. He will say mundane things- my bike got punctured today. Can you believe I had to spend 300 rs? That idiot, I will show him one day. His shop is going to break apart anyway. Maybe I should dress up in police uniform to scare him away? What say, Ri? Ri, say Amaro porano jaha chaye. Chaye, not chai. Chaye. You need to work on pronunciation. Say A-ma-ro. Yep, just like that. You want to play call of duty? I will teach you. You see that girl, I saw her on bumble. Yep, she is married. What I was doing on bumble. . . ha ha senorita, a man don't kiss and tell. What, me and her? Ew Ri ew. I have some standards please. Make luchi for me tomorrow. Luchi like puri? You can eat oily food with me. You look like one of those girls who never gain weight.
And she makes stories with him.
My parents? They are in US. I was studying here for Masters. Yes I speak with them everyday. Of course I miss them, but its getting easier with time. I didn't think about going back to US, maybe someday. My college. . yes it was nice. People are nice. Why do you say I was not peoples person? Hello mister, I had won Miss College on my 2nd year.
Truth and lies mix with him.
She brings home cooked lunch, and Shree brings his PG food which is cold and hard. He throws away his food and they both share her tiny box.
"Don't waste food." She will say. Shree will stop doing that after 2 days.
She sees him and feels envious. If only she could be so open like this. How he wears his culture and his passion like an armour, displays it with pride. He goes on and on about his home town and cuisine and Durga puja. He promises her to show those amazing pandals in his home town. He speaks about his mother with affection- she could only study till 10th, but made sure to give him everything he needs in life. Says how a single woman fought with everyone and made him what he is. Speaks with her every day, video calls her and the three of them speak, she joining in with her broken Bengali and Shree's mother in broken hindi and Shree translating for them both. How he dreams about buying a house so that his mom can come and stay here.
She is trying to cook nicely, with care and trying out different recipe. She don't think shes that good, but he also gives her biggest compliments and widest grins. Praises her cooking and her entire being, and it makes her smile at first, then laugh heartily.
The first time she laughed at something he said, she cried and laughed for hours in her apartment. She didn't know she could feel this light ever again.
On her birthday, he gifts her a bracelet with book charms hanging around it. Rathore sir said happy birthday, and he brought a cake in evening. The three of them fed her cake, the men singing happy birthday. Shree went with her to distribute the remaining cake pieces to house staffs.
When shree's laptop broke and he bought a new, fancy one, she teased him about money. He will laugh it off, blushing slightly. When Rathore sir made a comment about money, he will stammer in shyness.
She gave him a laptop cover with stylishly curved Shree on it, and he squealed in happiness and hugged her tight. Before she could hug him back, he released her, gushed over the cover and he himself started to put it over his laptop.
Chandrakant Patil joined ETF 3 days after her birthday.
Shree was scared of him- did you see his size? He must be an angry bull. She will hush him, shaking head- don't say like that. Be nice. She hesitated before approaching him. Mr Patil let out a smile. At least someone is here who speaks!
He became shadow of Rathore sir- Chotu, you come with me. Shree, Riya, you go to victim's house take their statements. Shree is not jealous, but he feels bad. He also sees this giant looking man is nice to his best friend (of course you are my best friend), so warms upto him. With time, the men are inseparable.
Chotu gifts her a leather diary a week after his joining. A late birthday gift. She protested, but in front of his toothy smile and Shree elbowing her, she accepted with thanks.
She writes case notes in the front, anything important about life on the last pages.
Now she has two men eating her lunch, so she buys a bigger box and makes more food. The boys go with her for shopping, comes to her in her apartment, Chotu cooks on Sundays and they hang out often after work. She feels safest with them.
Chotu's parents often sends Prasad and flowers for them. She would keep those in her bag.
One Sunday, the three of them visits a nearby ganesh temple. Chotu volunteers in temple, serves people food, cleans utensils, donates money. Shree joins him and his parents to serve food. She stands outside temple, not sure if she should go in.
Chotu's mother hold her hand and almost drags her inside.
With time, wounds are easy to live with- but not healed. They see horrible things on cases and it leaves her with nightmares. She dreams of past and she wakes up crying and screaming. She change doctors for new medicines when she couldn't sleep yet don't find anything that's working. She starts visiting temple everyday. There is a dedicated plate and bowl in office for flowers and Prasad. Rathore sir is the first one to eat that every single day.
She didn't know if its helping. Some days the cases and people and judiciary and red tapism leaves her empty. Maybe there is no point in doing anything. Life was better when she stayed in her apartment and cleaned it every single day. That was something she could control. After so long, that was the only thing she had it in her finger tips. But she took this decision, and its just not her. There was innocent people involve. Her colleagues, her best friends and found family relies on her. Rathore sir is always impressed when she research on victims and his surrounding and they often gets some clue from her pointers. Shree pats her with good job. Chotu smiles and calls her greatest and genius. She ducks her head to avoid smiling at that. But she likes it too.
Rathore sir told her one day- you should study Crime Statistics. He gave her some website links and brochure, connected her through his esteemed alumni peers, and encouraged her to follow this path which, he is sure of, that she will succeed. Someone showed faith in her for so long, and the starved person she is, she jumped into it. Studied day and night, in office, at home, spent all waking hours researching and studying every nuke and corners. Team started to follow her leads- Rathore sir, in 79% cases kidnapping victims know their abductors. Okay, Shree Chotu follow her lead. They cases close often, and Rathore sir takes them out on a fancy dinner, indulging them with his college stories and listening to their banters with a smile.
She makes coffee for them- Rathore sir likes no sugar. Shree wants 3 cubes. Chotu prefers tea from a stall outside office. The four of them goes there sometimes. Chotu buys wafer or chips for her.
Months later, there is an opening in ETF for Sub Inspector position. Shree nudged her- come on, apply. You want to do this all the time? You will become like those old men in your ex office. Oh come on, you will pass *click of his fingers* just like that. Rathore sir likes you. Chotu said- Rathore sir wants it, he expects it. He will be disappointed if you don't apply. The trio holed up in her apartments for weeks preparing her every questions, every interview throws and real life situations.
The two of them cheered and engulfed her in a big hug, lifting her on feet when she was selected. Rathore sir had smiled, shook her hand, and when he walked away, Shree said he is proud of her. That made her teary eyed.
Shree called her rotlu. Chotu mock glared at him.
She gifted her best friends once she got her new promotion money- a silver bracelet for Chotu. A pen drive for Shree with highest storage option which was imported from US. He gave her a hug and immediately started to work on it. Perks of having NRI friend, he said.
During Durga puja, Shree is sad cause there is an emergency at work and he had to cancel his flight. At evening, the three of them goes out to pandals. He perks up again, and drags them through a dark, dingy alley saying a grand puja pandal is just after this. He was right. It was so beautiful that all she wanted to soak it in and never leave.
On the first day of her new SI position and real field case, she met Arjun Rawte.
She didn't really meet the man. She didn't have any choice in her hand- just like last time it happened. She threw herself into it, eyes wide opened. Attacked him. Got surprised he blocked it, then held her in his arms, her hands locked behind. Rathore sir said his name. ACP Rawte didn't bother with further introductions. He came, worked, made Rathore sir angry at every step, and left.
Her first field work was nothing like she had expected. It was constant adrenaline rush. It was about standing next to a man to stop him rushing into things. It was about following another man's lead. It was about seeing Rathore sir out of control, to the point when he declared he will take volunteer retirement and lead team from outside like Coelho sir.
It was about a stiff, rude man doing whatever he wanted and her getting irritated at every step.
Weeks later, they had another case. Shree took one look at victim reports printed by her and made a face- this kind of garbage work, left over from other department is also part of ETF now, he grumbled. Chotu said nothing, waiting on Rathore sir. She gave the team pointers and they all headed to crime scene.
Sir said ACP Rawte will be second-in-command from today onwards.
ACP Rawte was rude, uncaring that day too. she was particularly irritated at the way he deducted it cant be suicide and taunted her. She taunted right back, forgetting hes the new boss along with Rathore sir. Shree and Chotu shared her frustration. Working with an unhinged man such as him will be asking for death to knock at their doors, they said. How can these two men work with each other and how they will work with them, Chotu said. It made the three of them laugh. What a mess.
Arjun sir leaves office at odd timings. Thanks to him, others leave home at odd timings too. Rathore sir intervenes often, sometimes he is frustrated enough to leave everyone and walk out, leaving them at other man's mercy. Shree says maybe he is channelling his frustration to his supercar. Rathore sir comes from old money. Chotu says apparently in his house there is a racing track. It might be true, they don't have the courage to ask sir. Maybe once upon a time they could have, before ACP Arjun Suryakant Rawte entered their office and their lives. He came, and everything is dark, gloomy once again.
He came to their lives with hurricane. To her, it felt like her carefully build life of clean, calm, orderly things were smashed to a dark, deep corner where she will never find them again. She tries to reach very hard for those simpler times, but the force of Arjun sir is such that she has to bow down, accept this new life and trying to hold onto present for her own sanity. He challenges their viewpoints every time. He goes through people and file and case uncaring how it will impact others. He is barely considerate to grieving people or his own colleagues, apart from children. He is not afraid to stand up to Rathore sir. He openly says he will continue working solo and he don't need them. It stings a bit.
She was living a sheltered, privilege life till now, she realizes one day when Arjun sir first cut off her statistics data. Rathore sis always says good morning and good night to her, hes not rude, he oozes warmth the way he moves and speaks. Her boys, Shree and Chotu made her live life again. But Arjun sir- he didn't care about her numbers, just cold hard facts. When he walks into a room, his eyes roams around each nook and corner. His eyes bore holes into people, stares into their souls. Its completely blank too- devoid of any emotion. He don't feel happiness. He don't get sad. He doesn't care if his colleagues are feeling bad for victims or their families. When she consoles any family member, he skims through their grief as if its nothing. He dissects people's lives and bare it open for everyone to see. It bubbles inside her like acid- how can someone be so cold? How can someone not care? Or, just care about a case, just a puzzle to solve? Are people that disposable?
She apologizes and tries to soothe the people left behind with physical touch. She knows that feeling of being discarded.
Maybe to contradict his points, she tries harder. She speaks up more. She engages with him even though he wont even look at her. He is not kind. He openly says- go back to research desk, you are not fit for this team. He says- you cant do field job, you are a coward. You will put people's lives at risk. Someday I might die because of you. The words makes her cry. She gets nightmare that Rathore sir dead and she is holding the gun. Shree is dead in hit and run and she was the one driving their ETF SUV. She wakes up in cold sweat, goes to work early and tries to shoot. When that doesn't work, when her hands still shake, Shree buys a dart board and they practice.
Arjun sir hits bulls eye when he is not even looking at it.
Seeing her sad, withdrawn face, her boys console her. Don't be sad, he is just like that- rude, badtameez, akdu sadu Rawte. Don't take his words to heart. Do you know his wife was killed? He never recovered from that. Try to stay away from him. He might say something hurtful. He might burn you.
She researched about Sir, and cried looking at crime scenes picture and Arjun sir's state that night. She didn't know if she pitied him- he didn't deserve pity. Maybe why he is so cold and hard is because he doesn't want any pity. That's probably something that will break him. A weakness left behind by cruel incident. His pride couldn't handle that.
She remembers something in past almost daily, and when she looks at Arjun sir, she feels teary eyed again that he will never be able to remember something fondly. The person whom he could share with was snatched brutally and there is no answer in sight. She wondered if Arjun sir wished to forget- then she sees his bandage. She asks about it, he told her to mind her business.
No, she don't think he would want to forget. it fuels his energy. It drives him, high on cutting chai and fire in eyes. Not another Roshni Arjun Rawte. Not another Arjun Suryakant Rawte without answers. He needs to find answers. He will push everyone away with the drive and he don't even care.
Her eyes always seek him when she walks into a door, and he is always away from everyone, in solitude where no one can disturb if and if they does, he will say something so vicious that they will regret it. She was a loner once, and she knows no one enjoys solitude really. They all tried to blend into world once upon a time. The earth swallowed them and spit them out, stripped everything from them, which made them. So now they stay away. Better to just rely on themselves and trust themselves. Her eyes and mind will never betray her. No one can take advantage of her again.
Or maybe, he is trying to know himself through this. She don't like to stay alone these days. She wont be able to look in the mirror and recognize herself.
Her mind is unable to focus away from Arjun sir's life and past and tragedy and his feelings. Shree and Chotu are starting to tease her now. Do you have a crush on him? Couldn't you find another jiju? You can do better than this akdu sadu Rawte. She defends him everytime. He is not rude. He is not bad. He is just . . . this is what he is.
So she slips, her research gets printed on a bunch of papers. Arjun sir is beyond furious when he finds out- somehow, she thinks, his yelling at her like he does to criminals would have been better. He just glared at her and told her to stay away from his life. As if they were best friends before this. And for some reason, his silent punishment is only aimed at her. Not Shree, her partner in crime, who tried to steal papers on her behalf and stood by her when Sir caught them. Sir didn't even speak to her during cases. It sank her heart.
She asked Chotu- what if he never forgives me? And he says, so what if he doesn't. he is not their fellow colleague. He never treats them nicely. He talks to them only for work and shout when everyone isn't annoyingly perfect all the time. Maybe she is better off without his presence. She should be happy hes not on her shoulder 247, waiting for their mistakes so that he can highlight them and say samjhey ya samjhau? Shree says- as per Gandhiji, only a strong person can forgive others. Maybe he is not that strong.
They didn't understand the idea of never attaining forgiveness is just another thing from a tall pile pressing on her chest.
She becomes a target for his scorn and taunts again. Anything that's wrong, he blames it on her. It happens when someone thinks he is her husband. It happens when she comes after him during hostage situation and she lies about their relationship. He don't care about her explanations. He don't want to listen to her words. He has faith in himself- whatever he heard, whatever he saw, its true. It has to be. What else he has to rely on? So he relies only on himself, cuts off Rathore sir- no, I don't think your theory is right sir, in that low, mocking tone he calls Sir. His theory is always proven true. After a point, Rathore sir starts complimenting him on good work and covers for him in cases.
She tries to apologize a few times, and stops when he don't respond. She stops because easing the worry on her heart isn't his cross to bear. In guilt, she protests. Yes sir, I have done mistake. I didn't note that. I didn't mention this. Yes sir, I am not perfect like you. I don't see through people's souls and drive them insane with questions. Tell me. Tell me! Tell me where I have messed up. Tell me how I can make this up. Tell me how do I ask forgiveness for something that was pure mistake? How do I say sorry for curiosity? When you will start treating me like human? Does it only matter if I start shooting people and punch them like you? Is heart, compassion, kindness is nothing?
Maybe its nothing to him.
On one day, when she is on a good mood and ages later that Arjun sir at least spoke to her during case, she made coffee for him. He took it after a bit of protests, and patiently answered her questions. Of course, you can see things like me. You can become a good officer. Just do this. Think from head. people are cruel. Don't think them as compassionate and kind, that they will return what you give them. Just don't look, notice things. It will fit like a puzzle during work. By the time he was done, his coffee was empty. Shree Chotu teased about special session with Sir. She rolled eyes, answered cheekily at them to focus on work. But she couldn't stop smiling after that.
She has been in this cross roads before. The wait, the longing, the hope. Hope for something better, something new, shiny, sweet, nice. The way ideas form in head about someone who is not what mind made them up. Imaginary scenes occupying head. the shyness, hesitation. Looking at them when they aren't noticing. Getting awed at them. Wanting sprinkles of something from them and become happy at the scrape of barrel. In middle of a carefully balanced rope. If she falls, it might be fantastical. If she survives, she will never know what it could have been. The fear for the remaining pieces of heart breaking. If this happens again- how she will survive? No, it cant be.
This is same like how she didn't ask Arjun sir's name. it was told to her. It happens to her similarly. She don't ask for it. She don't even need it. But it comes, crashing through her fragile glass heart. It shatters it completely. she don't even have the broken pieces to gather. They are dust, flew with wind.
When she is unable to shoot at a goon and Arjun sir has to, and he tells him for weeks that she is incapable of working here, and data is not everything, and you are a burden on the team, she sits on her bed and cries. How did it even happen? How long she has even known him? But then, she knows- time is nothing. Its not related to feelings at all. Sometimes, it feels like she knows him since forever. When he is cruel, her rose tinted glass comes out. She didn't know him at all. She didn't know how uncaring, ruthless he can be. How he goes through people as a means for an end.
She had done this before. Why she couldn't stop herself this time? This is madness. She is insane to do same mistake.
She defends him when he don't need anything from her. Anyone points finger at him, and shes right there to shield him. She says to victims families- please don't mind him, he is just doing his job. She tries to soothe his pain when someone kicks him. Her heart stops when a bullet hits him on chest, only to be saved by a coin she put in his pocket. She defends him against her own friends- its nothing guys. Don't read too much into it. Don't gossip. She looks at Rathore sir and silently beg him not to get angry on him. She clenches her eyes shut when these two have a go against each other.
She gets shot, he carries her to hospital. He gives her a blank look and told her this was exactly what he thought will happen. She knew he will say this- she is not even surprised anymore. It's a sad realization that this is the man she is infatuated with. She comes back to work, injury healed, and weeks later he put himself in danger. She shoots to save him- what he had told them when they were throwing arrow at dart. She don't even get time to react instantly. It bubbles inside her.
He holds her in his arms, cups her cheek, and says- its okay. She saved him. That's all that matters. And she soars, flying high close to the sun. its insane how one word, one look, one fleeting touch and barely there smirk can make her feel this. This is madness, truly. And when the next day Arjun sir don't even seem fazed by it, she says to herself- I will always hold a candle for you. It will always lit up. And if I am gone, it will still remain in darkness. You are a god to me now. This is the religion I believe in. it doesn't matter you can give me nothing. It doesn't matter you will never care for me beyond a point. Its okay, I will do it for both of us. You are coursing through my veins and captured my heart. Its healed now, completely intact.
Its not rainbow sunshine after the realization. Her devotion is all compassing, complete. But she sees him standing away from a room full of people, she runs after him when he has fight with suspects or Rathore sir. She shushes Shree Chotu when they make fun of her crush. Sometimes Arjun sir speaks to her, sometimes he says nothing. And each time he walks away from her, she feels that gasping loss of him. She asks herself- was he just an idea she had in her mind? This is the reality, face it. But, what else choice she has? There is no complication. This is it for her.
Then one day, she gulped a vial full of bacteria. It all changed from then.
She wakes up weeks later in hospital, and Rathore sir was the first person she saw. Shree came running through door, Chotu was right behind him. Doctors and nurses came too.
Arjun sir wasn't there. He never came.
Rathore sir said- we tried to contact your family, they couldn't come, Raghu sir is in touch with them, I will inform him you are awake- he is displeased that how can she be left alone, abandoned by her own here at her worst condition. Her boys gently caught her in bear hugs, tears and laughter bursting through them. She was surprised that this much time had passed. Shree videocalled his mother and the three of them spoke. Chotu's parents came one morning to give blessings and fruits from temple. Bappa ka ashirvad, they said. Maybe it was blessings. That's why she is alive.
One of her palm was tightly clasped by Shree, another by Chotu when the doctor said that- her nerve and muscle damage was too much. Field work is out of question. And she asked to herself, whats the reason she is alive now? What else she had now? She cant give anything. The universe had finally broken her, snatched the remaining parts from her.
His friends visit a lot, Rathore sir too. but they have work, pressing matters related to national security, important people and pressure from seniors. Often she is alone at hospital, staring at ceiling. On the first day of her physio all three of them were present. By 5th, Shree had called tearfully that they were going to Jaipur. She forced a cheery voice and said its fine, he cant keep his life waiting for her.
By the time she was exhausted and ready to drop, grip slipped from a standby nurse, she was ready to drop on floor and never wake up again. The pain was unbearable. Her body was fire. She was burning from within and no amount of cold showers can cure her.
A pair of strong arms caught her by waist. She blinked after a long time, breath coming out in whoosh- the face was familiar.
A month before all these, and she will be happy to see him. Feel nice that he thought she was important enough for his visit. She would try to speak about mundane stuff and could take a bullet for him if he spoke softly to her. Tonight, she felt nothing but anger. She wanted to throw the bedside table at him. How dare you? How dare you to come here? Why did you? Where were you when I woke up? Why did you come here? Must be to see his wish fulfilment- after all, she is damaged goods now. He knew this will happen. She should have returned to research desk. Or maybe, she too damaged for a desk job too. he did tell her she is careless, unfit for their esteemed team. She did a stupid mistake and look what it did to her. She finally managed to kill herself, it was pure luck that the four of them weren't injured.
He didn't ask- how are you. He stayed silent all the night, sitting on a nearby stool as she tried to hold onto her anger and finally drifted off to her sleep.
He came in everyday after that evening. Even in her sleep she could sense him walking inside her room, staring at her, then finally sitting on a stool. She got to know from nurse that he used to come everyday when she was in coma. It made her weep badly- but still, she couldn't speak to him. If he didn't care at all, didn't stand next to her and at least shared a dry comment of sympathy, why should she look at him? She will pretend to be happy seeing Rathore sir Shree or Chotu, never Arjun sir. He didn't get to hear her voice, or her cries, or her chirping with friends. He only got her silence, her blank face, her never meeting his eyes. And she felt- he must be waiting for her to break so that he can say his sermons. She wont give him the option.
He was the one supporting her when she was discharged from hospital. He came to her door, kept her luggage inside. The moment he moved back, she closed the door on his face.
She fell asleep on floor, and mechanically went through her day like she used to do before ETF. She scrubbed her house top to bottom. Kitchen was cleaned 3 times. Clothes were washed everyday. She scrubbed the floor so hard her reflection was visible. The smell of phenyl was null to her. There was only one problem- she couldn't stand up on her feet after 5 mins. She pushed her body everyday- this is all she had, and she lost that too? no chance. She will make herself rise, fall, and rise again. Support herself against wall, curse herself seeing her legs shaking violently. She will be so tired after a day as if she had run marathon or worked in sun. she would chug medicines like candies and fall into dreamless sleep. Or nightmare- she will see herself without legs as Shree Chotu Rathore sir cried. Rathore sir coming to her home with Arjun sir in tow- you are not fit for ETF. Here is your termination letter. Arjun sir sitting by her hospital bedside and saying cruelly, I told you. You don't deserve this position. See, you bappa took away what you didn't deserve. I am happy. It should have happened.
There was a knock on her door one evening, and it made her freeze instantly. She don't have visitors. Maybe if she don't move, the person will think shes not home and leave.
It was Arjun sir on the other side, and with heart hammering, she walked to open the door, legs shaking.
You should leave, she said. He eyes softened momentarily, and he walked past her into her house.
Leave. Leave and never come back. I don't want you here. She shouted some more gibberish. He took it like the rock he is- cold hard, unbothered. Nothing phase him. It just made her angrier.
Have you come to see me my brokenness and gloat? Yes Arjun sir, you were so right about me. The weak, poor little me who failed to live upto your expectations again. And look what curse god gave me for this sin. I am broken. I have nothing to live for. I have nothing. I am in constant pain. Look at my legs, Arjun sir. Look! They shake all the time. I cant hold onto things. See, I am trying to hold this glass. See the way my fingers twitch. Do you smell the floor cleaner? I cant. I am broken, damaged goods now. No point to come here to give me sympathy. Oh, you have no place for sympathy. You came to see for yourself how bad it is. Look then, Arjun sir. Look. Be satisfied at my brokenness.
I know how it is. Losing something.
No. no no no. for the longest time you were the biggest victim in this competition, don't take my place Sir. Its my time now. And don't you dare belittle my loss. You lost your wife, your better half. Your soulmate probably. Me? I have my body intact. My legs and hands and my mind. But it don't work the way I remember it. I know how I am supposed to write, but my hands don't cooperate. My both hands. . . you can remember her. I cant even remember it. It just brings pain. My entire body aches. I am losing myself in pieces. I have to think before moving- want water? that's 50 steps. I cant breathe properly after I walk the distance between bedroom and kitchen. I cant speak on phone for the longest time. I have so many medicines and appointments. . . where were you when I was dying? Why you weren't there when I woke up? Did I matter that little? Do you have no humanity left? I wish I had died. I wish I never woke up. I wish I die-
He put his hand over her mouth. She screamed and cried against his hand, slumping on him.
Arjun sir said- come back to work, and it made her cry harder. Come back to what? To her old job with those old men who belittle her like Sir did? Make fun of her for thinking something new, looks down at her just because shes a woman? No, never there. She would rather die in this apartment. Come back to ETF? Stand by and watch others leaving her behind? Sit in the cabin and be reminded everyday what she lost and how incapable she is? No. never. She will never come out of her apartment. Maybe she can starve herself to death. There is no point in living, at least she don't see it.
Arjun sir went back to his old form very soon- are you that weak? Yes I am sir. I am now. There was a time your words made me feel bad, but I worked hard everyday to prove you wrong. Finally, you are proved right. Why do you want to fight against this result? Leave me alone. Walk away like you always do. Whats the point in even trying? She don't have the strength now. Her body and soul has finally stopped supporting her burden.
For the first time, he had no answers for her.
Rathore sir came to her house one day, and two of them took a flight and reached Kerala. There is a famous ayurvedic centre, he said. The doctors are great. His uncle was admitted here for a month after his paralysis and walked on his feet out of here when he was discharged. She will be fit in no time. He takes a long break of 2 weeks to be with her. He walks with her every day and every evening, supporting her weight on her. He is kind, warm, he speaks to her softly. He encourages her, but never belittle. He is there when the doctors take her for physio sessions and he is there for daily appointments. It makes her eyes well up. He stays positive on behalf of her. He talks about future- of course she will come back. He will always have a place for her in ETF. It doesn't matter how long it takes for her to recover. He will cover the expense. After all, she is a brave officer. A sister he never had. He is here for her, always.
his act of kindness reached right into her broken, damaged heart.
She got a message from Arjun sir. Where are you? Why you aren't picking up Shree's calls? Are you in US? She don't reply anything, glances at the words and deleted the notifications. He messages again- you could have told me you went to Kerala.
And she asks- why? What changed? He didn't answer that, so she asked again. What changed? What changed between the time you came to my house, tried to do reverse psychology on me, and now that you message me everyday? What changed, Arjun sir? And if you cant answer, better not to message me. Stay away, like you used to do. Put your mask of indifference and go back to your work and dissect peoples lives.
With time, she can stand for more than 5 mins at stretch and when she sits down, shes not panting like a dog. She clenches and loosens her grip and feels her fingers don't hurt that much. She tries to write in the diary Chotu had bought her ages ago. She writes about her daily life, this giant emptiness, Arjun Rawte shaped whole in her heart, still not taking Shree's calls, Rathore sir's unbelievable, all compassing kindness. She can grip pen just fine now, even though writing takes time. Shes happy, smiling again like it lits up the room. Rathore sir is happy too, planning to go back and do the arrangement for rejoining. He cautions her too- sometimes, the body tells us to stop through pain. We need to listen to it. Pain deserves to be heard. It demands we do so. If we aren't paying attention, it will become a deep wound and weakens us further. Don't keep the wound open. It deserves full attention the moment it occurs. She thinks maybe he is not talking about her physical state anymore. She don't ask him, of course. Shes a coward like Arjun sir told her once upon a time. She don't have it in her to face it and dissect it, and come to a conclusion.
When they reach Mumbai, she hesitates over Shree's number and finally decides to call him. He answers with a loud squeal and laughter and gossip flows between them as if she was never gone, as if she didn't ignore his calls and well wish messages. Chotu joins them too, filling them in regarding his 11.30 am girl. Shree says there are 2 new joinees- Liza and Ayesha. Ayesha is tough as nail, stern like Arjun sir. Liza is a lizard. And she remembers- is it the same pagal lizard you had in college? Chotu laughed, Shree scrambled for the phone and scolded her mildly. It was on loud speaker! Liza heard it! Now she will call him Specky and chasmish and what not. It made her laugh.
He didn't ask her when she will be back. She didn't know when she will be back, either. She shares about her Kerala Ayurvedic centre progress and Chotu suggests to get a maid for housework. But the three of them knows she wont take it. If she don't have house work, she will have nothing else to kill time. Its very important to her these days, to face each day and somehow pass it. Look forward to next day. Maybe it will be better.
She returns to ETF one day, gets bear hugs from her boys and curious looks from the girls when they come over for introduction and handshakes. She jokes that she is no longer the only girl in team now, tells them as if she knows about them already. Liza is happy that there is someone who call spill all secrets about Specky, Shree grumbles and pulls her on side- please, its my best friend. You stay away. Ayesha stands there, observe them with a smile. Rathore sir breaks the party and ushers her into his cabin. She will work with team, but wont go into fields. All reporting, PR duties, co ordination with other teams will fall under her. She will still sit with them and participate in team meeting. She just wont be able to go on field, chase goons, shoot at anyone. That's a relief, she said to herself.
The first meeting is shaky. She takes time in background check of victim and his family, stammers and hesitates and looks down at file a lot as she speaks. They wait for her patiently. Even Arjun sir held his tongue. She realized when they all left, that she was holding her breath in case someone points out anything negative in her reports. Especially Arjun sir. She didn't know she was starting to fear him that much. Or maybe, shes scared for something else.
When she gathered her papers and got up, Sir was standing near door. She looked down immediately, and slowly walked past him, holding her breath so that she don't inhale his scent.
Shree Chotu finds her near staircase after the day. Shree says- don't take too much pressure. Why is she so worried? They could never find fault in her work before and Rathore sir wont start now. Chotu said, Arjun sir has mellowed down a lot. See how he said nothing. He invited her to his house once she feels fine. Then give a good news- I hope you can come for my wedding. She is surprised, gives him a side hug holding on to his arm. Who is she, 11:30am? Are you happy? What does it feel like to be in love? To be cared about someone unabashedly, without being scared? How it feels like when someone lets you care about them? Are you scared that you lost a part of you in her? Or you are just blissful happy, and these silly questions don't bother you much. Chotu smiles at her excitement, a soft glow around him. She looks at him in awe, Shree teasing him sitting next to her.
The emptiness inside her lingers- nothing is fixed overnight just because she is surrounded by people who love and care about her. At times, she stays quiet during meeting because she don't have any input. She should not, that's what she tells to herself. She is not in field. She don't get to assert herself in every conversation with her data analysis and theories. She starts to search herself in them- when Liza speaks up and deduce forensic analysis. When Ayesha gives input regarding security and safety of team. When Shree is a daredevil, holding himself well against Arjun sir and Rathore sir. When Chotu grows beyond his foody nature and scare people due to his body size, he gives valuable input to crack suspects. She search herself in them, maybe she would have said that before. She would have done it differently. Say this, find that. Before. Before everything. Before her body didn't betray her. Now that she miss her old self, she is able to forgive herself, bit by bit. Maybe she was not that useless as she had thought herself to be. She can let go of that part of her life and concentrate in present. Second chance, Chotu's mother had told her. Maybe she should appreciate that and stop going back to past.
She takes stairs everyday, even when her body screams after every floor and she has to sit down, take lungs full of oxygen and start, holding onto railing with her dear life. One day as she was trying to breathe in, Arjun sir sat next to her. He asked- why do you push yourself too much? She said nothing. He wont understand. He never did.
He kept a hand on her head, warm palm coursing through her, startling her as her eyes snapped to met his. There was something in those orbs that drew her in. it felt warm for the first time in forever. He was that man who had told her over coffee that of course, you can be like me. She was unable to tear her gaze away from him. He was there when she finally had enough strength to stand up, and he was there when she completed remaining steps and reached their floor. He hovered near her, always ready to support if she falls. But he didn't come too close to her. She didn't know if that was relief or disappointment.
She has cramps when she stands for long time. She aches all over when she sits too long and spend time to work on reports, or handle calls from reporters and other department, her arms and legs shaking from extreme pain. Chotu tells her about a kada his mother makes and promised to bring her that next morning. True to his words, there is a steel mug full of liquid medicine on her desk the next day. She chugs it whenever the body is almost on the point of giving up, and feels relief instantly.
She tries to give back the friendliness and warmth Shree and Chotu and Rathore sir has given her since day 1 to the new girls. Not that they need it, but Ayesha looks lonely. She also knows some people are loner by choice but she don't push it. Liza is sweet girl, laughs the loudest and fills up a room with her teasing and jokes. When she laughs, Shree looks at her with a smile on his own. He will always deny it and look away when someone notices it. Liza and she bonds quickly, Shree a common point between two. She tells funny anecdotes of their shared college life and he always protests loudly that her tales are too exaggerated.
Ayesha makes coffee for everyone now. She asked her about her preference one day and made the exact one and put it on her table every time she is in office. She is the first one the take Prasad from her plate and finishes it before the day ends. They have a comfortable silence between them. She talks when she wants to- like the day she joined ETF. Rather, she was forced to join because that's the only way her career could proceed. She asks if she regrets it now. Then she sees the way Ayesha looks at Rathore sir. The good thing is, he looks back in the same way. She knows how it feels like to burn with desire and having no way to sink through it. Suffer in silence. Caring about someone without receiving anything is unbearable after a while. She smiles to herself- they deserve everything. She prays for them to god.
In office one day when it was empty and she was swallowing in the silence of all, she gets up from her chair and starts to walk around the office slowly. When she is near her desk, she sees Arjun sir keeping the familiar steel mug on her table. He lingered there, and she watched, transfixed.
He turned after a while, eyes widening in surprise she was standing behind him.
My mother used to make it for me whenever I recovered from fever. It tastes bad, but it works very well.
It was you who keep it on my desk every morning. I thought that was Chotu's mother . . . why? Why Arjun sir?
He says nothing, and walks away from her again.
Something shifts after that. She would like to think Arjun sir is not hiding from her anymore- not that he was before, he didn't have any reason to. He meets her on stairs everyday. Lingers after a meeting when team is leaving for field. Comes to her desk often to put a cut of coffee and kada. When things are too much for her, she sits on stairs and cries at times. He will sit next to her and wont say anything.
There is a particularly bad case where Rathore sir is injured. A bullet grazed his arm. Shree called her shakily, but assured that Sir is fine, he will be discharged now, and it was just blood. Rathore sir replied to her message quickly too like he always does. But her mind plays tricks. Somehow, a criminal shooting at ETF chief was equivalent to her weakness. Tears wont stop flowing.
I hate this. I hate how I am so weak even after all these time. I hate I will never be in field with them. I hate it when they walk away and I fear this is the last time I will ever see them. I hate this . . . I hate this. I came from research team and never wanted to go back there. This job I am doing right now is just glorified report filing. They can do it without me. What am I even doing here? I was a failure when I was part of them. I am not that strong to see them getting shot or stabbed, in hospital bed. I cant even go to hospital. I hate what I have become now. I tried so hard. . . there is no point in anything.
Its not true. You are not weak. You saved people. Millions of them. You were so brave. You didn't even think before gulping that vial. No one is that strong, so selfless to put others in front of them without even thinking. Don't say you are weak. Be proud. You are a saviour for so many people. You were not failure when you were on field. You told me once that people aren't targets. You can still see awful things and keep your humanity intact. That's a big thing. Don't underestimate yourself. Give your body time to heal. How can you say you are weak? You said that day in your house that you want to die. Don't say that. Don't do anything. Think about yourself. Think about us. Your friends, your family. You are the strongest person I know. And you will see it too.
Even after he had finished speaking his fingers were clasped around her wrist.
Days later, Rathore sir did an announcement. She cracked a joke that it might be his engagement party, Shree Chotu chuckling at her words. She blanked for a few seconds as Sir spoke, then found herself hugged and cheered and swept off her feet as people congratulated her.
She was awarded bravery award the next day along with promotion to Inspector position. Raghu sir stood in front of her, saluted her which she returned with a shaky hand. He gently clipped a medal over her saree, saluted her again and gave a speech about her bravery. It was all very surreal for her. When her eyes skimmed through the crowd and found Arjun sir, his eyes reflected calmness and pride. She relaxed immediately, brushing tears under her eye and tentatively smiling at the praise given to her.
Her birthday fell on the same day. The team went back to ETF, made her cut a big cake, they all fed each other and put icing over her cheeks, hugging her tight. They gifted her nice things and made her laugh heartily after so long, and she said to herself- this is it. All the dark shadows are behind her now.
Arjun sir was standing near her desk when she came back from washroom removing all icing from her face. She walked in her saree slower than ever, don't wanting to trip after all these time. He saw her coming, and kept a covered book on her desk. Taking it between her palm, she turned the pages, finding something written on one of the pages. His handwriting.
Inspector Riya Mukherjee.
Riya,
You have crawled through shadows of despair and now, you are standing in the sun. I hope you keep burning too bright for this world, even when it don't deserves you.
Don't give up.
Arjun.
Sakshi Anand enters one day with her cotton salwar suit and georgette dupatta and jhumkas and bangles and leaving men crushed by her beauty and giggles which could warm any cold, dead heart. Liza might be jealous but she cant have it in her to hold resentment against Sakshi's open heart. By the end of day, they were tight as kids meeting in school. In no time, Ayesha joins her too, fondly calling her little sister she never had. Sakshi sits near Her and spills all about journalistic integrity and how she used to work when she was reporting from dangerous situations. Helps her to handle press and goes with others in field. Shree tells Her how she would whisper dark humour jokes at him which would make him laugh inappropriately, earning a glare from Rathore sir. Chotu speaks nice things about her, and she has to agree. Sakshi Anand was another piece of puzzle fitting with them.
Sakshi is openly affectionate. She calls seniors as Sameer and Arjun and cheekily tells with a smile that she don't fall under any rank within ETF. She calls her contacts to find shady information hidden by suspects. She brush aside Arjun sir's rude remarks and glares like its nothing. She challenges him with ever present smile on her lips. One ups him and plays little games where she gloats that it was because of her contacts he could solve the case and don't be grumpy Arjun, and why don't he smile, and did you fall in childhood and hit your head? and how can be someone so soulless, so stern all the time, if he had tattoed the look.
She listens it all and holds back a smile of her own.
With time, she ponders about Sakshi in private. How she can do or say anything and Arjun sir never says anything beyond a mild scolding. How he has stopped reacting to her inappropriate jokes and her contacts seemingly getting information from thin air. Just gives her a look when she gloats about cases and makes excuses for her when she is in reporter mode, getting into victims and suspects family. Why he could never behave with her like that? After all these time, all she has in a handwritten note from him. He is still the same person who don't smile at her. But, Hes also the man who supports her when she stumbles and encourages her in private. Then one day, Sakshi saved Arjun sir from a gunshot and got injured. He would support her everyday with her crunches, speak softly to her without any taunt, even give little smirks here and there at her comments. He will bring her food and even share lunch with her. So, what changed? What Sakshi could do that she couldn't? how she made him a human with beating heart, caring for her openly, and she could never catch him looking at her even during a team meeting? Where had she failed? Was it never meant to be?
She lied to herself before and shes lying to herself now. She was never over him. She was lying when she said to herself- he doesn't affect me. He is nothing to me. Truth to be told, she cant remember a time where he wasn't in her life. Cant remember a time where she was entering a room and was not searching for him. There was never a time her heartbeat will not go faster in his presence. There was no time where she wasn't craving for his attention, even if it came half hearted and probably meant nothing to him. She was a passing thought for him. He was the universe and the gravity which kept her on feet. She cant remember before him, and isn't that the worst part? All she had was herself to remember something and she cant even rely on herself.
The pathetic part is, still she cant assert herself onto him. Even if she is split right in middle.
Then Arjun sir was shouting at Sakshi one day in office in front of everyone, his eyes red and jaw locked in its place, posture holding back cause this is the man who had put Pathan Lala in hospital once upon a time and made his face unrecognizable. Apparently Sakshi lied and she never needed crunches. She wasn't even hurt that much by bullet. Sakshi shouted back- I did it because of you, Arjun. I liked how you cared for me. I liked your undivided attention and concern to me. I liked you speaking nicely to me without taunts. I did it for you, Arjun. Cant you see that? And Arjun sir looked back in disbelieve, like she has grown crazy. When he turned and left, Sakshi slumped on a chair, crying hard. Ayesha consoled her, Shree Chotu left the area hurriedly- the crime scene where hearts were broken once again. But She understood. She knows how it feels. But at least she didn't make a public spectacle of herself.
She didn't want to go to him- she don't have the right, it's a personal matter revealed in public. But she went anyway, and found him on terrace. He was glaring at the city lines, tightly holding onto railing. Cloud grumbled over them.
She saw a locket hanging around his neck.
She didn't say anything at first- she is no lawyer. Which side she should pick anyway? Sakshi, who is at a place she had already occupied since years? Who was bitterly crying at the public rejection and like her, might never recover? Or Arjun sir, who had always loved one woman and she is dead. A man looking for answers for his wife's death, not another lover to fill the impossible gap. Its just her luck, to fall for a taken man and vying for his attention, in forever competition with a dead woman.
He starts to speak. How dare she? When have I ever given her such an idea? Shes unbelievable. How could she say she faked her injuries because of me? Me? When did I ever encourage her? When did I ever led her to something which had no chance? How can she put the blame on me?
She is not putting the blame on you.
What is she saying then? Tell me, go on. You must know all about her.
Arjun sir turned to her in a flash, eyes blazing fire. She was transfixed by the emotions in those black orbs. She no longer envied Sakshi. If declaration of feelings can cause him pain, she will ever speak up. She will suffer in silence so that he don't have to bear this burden too. she wont make him feel it was his mistake somehow, when in reality it was all her.
How I will not know it. How can I not know how she feels. . . how she felt leading upto this point. How can I not know the desperation that must have drove her to do this. How can I not know the feeling she had developed in this short time. How she saw you for the first time, behind your impenetrable shield of brash behaviour. How she must have seen you sad, teary eyed at a point and felt the pang of hurt inside her chest, right above her heart. How she must have felt drawn to you, like a moth to your flame. She wanted to make you smile, make the frown between your eyebrows disappear. Wanted to talk to you more to understand you. Wanted to block all roads which can cause you pain. All these, just for a look of appreciation. To hear that I matter. That I am here and you see me. Just me. Not a co worker, just me. A girl who likes a boy. And then she burnt herself and found nothing, desperation kicked in. how do I soothe myself with this fire burning within? How do I stop obsessing about your moods and your words. How do I come to you and soothe your pain? How do you let me in? She must have wanted to take back everything. Get her heart back. Because this was unbearable. She wanted to get back all the smiles she gave to you, all cheesy pick up lines, all her jokes, her concern, her soul and heart. She probably tried to move on. It was a foolish thing to do. She must have realized later. So she did this. Only to hear you say she don't matter. It was all in her head.
It was raining now. Their clothes drenched under the harsh raindrops, their clothes clinging to skin.
Her wrist was gripped by his rough fingers, pulling her frame close to him in a flash. She had to support herself by holding onto his chest. She looked back, a bit scared. Did she say too much? Did she offend him that bad? She must have hurt him. She never wanted to. She just wanted to . .
What happens now? What happens when the boy hurt the girl deeply? Does she move on? Does she succeed?
There is no separating her from him. Even if she tries, she cant leave. She will always glance back. And isn't that the most pathetic feeling in the world, Arjun sir? Trying to do something and failing, over and over again?
Sakshi is sad for the next few days, her face dimmed even when she tried to smile. She looks teary eyed all the time. Everyone tried to cheer her, even Rathore sir had a talk with her. The only person who can fix her wont even look at her. Arjun sir will take a different car if she was riding with him. He wont look at her during team meeting. If she addressed him, he will look away. She knows the feeling too well. Arjun sir had done it to her as well once upon a time. Maybe Sakshi need to give it time. But then, Time heals everything except broken heart. She and Sakshi are in this together now, yearning for the same man.
She was waiting for cab one day when Arjun sir drove in. he waited until she had to cancel her cab and sit inside. He waited patiently when she slowly reached out for seatbelt and tried multiple times to tie it, and failed. After a long day she often loses mobility in her limbs. It don't communicate with brain cells.
He took her to beach, gently supporting her on the small of her back, falling with her steps as she walked slowly. They sat away from crowd, on rocks where waves weren't too wild. She looked at families with wife and husband and children. They looked happy. She looked away when Arjun sir came back with cold drink- sealed for her, of course. They sat in silence.
He spoke to her when beach started to empty, sun was setting behind horizon.
When I was a kid, I felt I was invincible. I guess every boy feels the same as he grows up, thinks the world is a reign waiting at his feet. He just has to seat on throne and snap his fingers, and things will fall into places. My first shock came when Roshni entered my life. I fell at first glance- at her beauty, her musical voice, her soothing touch, her softness. She was so different than me. So soft, so gentle. I was lost within the feeling that was her. Then I got my second shock- my father refused my love. He gave me blows after blows- what you will do in a government job? Sit under MLA MPs and work for them? You could rule over them if you handled my business, but no, you wanted to be a servant. A prince wasting his life, he said. Baba said Roshni will ruin me. A girl coming from divorced parents, that too Marwari? He didn't like it. I was so angry at him to ruin my happy story. I cursed him out and told him I will never show my face. I will never come back to your house even if you are on deathbed and asking for me. When Roshni was killed, my first thought was- Baba will be happy. He did tell me Roshni will ruin me.
When this third shock came, out of nowhere, I couldn't handle it. Roshni came to my life in flash, and died infront of me. We didn't grow old together. We didn't celebrate out milestones. We didn't talk about children. We didn't own a house together. It was a living nightmare. The world wasn't invincible anymore. It stripped me down and gave blows after blows.
I didn't think about death before this. For most of the time, what I felt was rage. Injustice. She didn't leave me. I didn't make her angry and she didn't pack her suitcase and went to her mother's. her clothes and her scent was still in the house. Just she wasn't there. Death is a curious thing. Often I will see her things and start to say- Roshni where is my car keys? Did you see my blue file? Where is my black shirt? And she wont say anything. Then the realization come. The flashes of her death. Its like I was floating on air, and suddenly my foot falls into a gap and I realize with a jolt, what happened. She will never reply me. She will never stand in front of me, held my hands. No more of her hugs and kisses on forehead. The dark surprise.
I didn't have time for anything else but Roshni. People left me. I left people. I didn't care what happened to it. They weren't people to me. Just a means for an end. The more important information, the valuable thing. I spent years through this haze, this bloodlust where I closed my eyes, all I could see Roshni's lifeless eyes staring at me. When I open my eyes, I am in the reality where I still don't know what happened that night.
Then I come here. In a team and expected to work under my former friend who tried to pull me away from darkness and cursed me out when I stood in the pit stubbornly. He challenged me at every step. Stopped me. Shouted at me. Glared me. But I didn't care. I had no one. I have nothing just this one goal. Every case, every murder, every solved file is just one step closer to Raghu sir giving me Roshni's file.
This team, it caught upto me and made me care. Maybe it was habit, maybe it was that you were good people. I could see fear and hesitance in those eyes. Pity. Hushed words that how rude cold heartless I am. With time, I saw respect in them. The team grew. Rathore accepted my work style. Things went on smoothly.
You. . . you. I don't know where to start with you. You snuck into my life. From the very first day. I didn't expect you to fall into my arms. But you did. You made such impression on me that I was marked since the day, even when I didn't understand it that time. You were there- in your bright clothes, intricate hair styles, your notes and data and percentage and statistics and sarcasm. You mirrored me in a way I didn't think was possible. Others were scared of me. You stood upto me. If I pushed, you pushed right back. I said something sarcastic, you retorted the same. I had started to expect it, yet your audacity always took me by surprise. Don't underestimate women, Arjun sir. I remember the day very clearly. You took my breath away.
When it was starting to impact me too much- staring at you when you drive, engage in verbal back and forth, i stepped back. I couldn't handle another shock and I didn't want to accept it. I did everything in my power to put an end to my roaming heart. I had only one focus to come here and I wont let anyone distract me. I started to cut you off in between sentences. Spoke negatively. Picked apart your weakness and threw it in your face. Wanted you to go back to your old office so that I don't have to see you. Every time it made you sad, I had to look away. I couldn't handle your tears. I distanced myself because I wasn't really trying to hurt you that much. You should see me going through people, the way I make them bleed by words. It bites them and they are never able to shake them off. It stuck to them like leeches. You should just ask Rathore.
But you caught a part of me, and no matter how much I try to shake you away, you wont leave. You will follow my lead, follow me to danger, shield people from my rage and take it all in. it always caught me by surprise, why would someone do that for someone like me? Was I not doing enough to distance myself away from you? Why you follow me to the end of world, cant you see how it will break you? I used to get so angry at you. So mad. It was frightening. I wanted to take away the look from your eyes. Wanted to see it replaced with disgust and fear. I was no good for you. When you got hurt following me, when you cried because I pushed you to shoot at goons, I said to myself- this is the reason you should stay away. See, you are breaking her even when you aren't trying. It resolved my focus. Keep your head down, work, and don't care too much about anyone. Especially you.
Then xora case happened. You were hospitalized. You might not remember, but you begged me to save you. Arjun sir, I don't want to die just yet. Please save me. Like you saved me from gunshots. Like I picked you in my arms and took you away from danger, to safety. I could say nothing to you. It wasn't up to me. If I had the cure. . . I would have took out my heart and replace it with yours. I would have given last drop of my blood. I would have gone to my Father, begged forgiveness if it could save you. I prayed to your god. If this is the result of me not praying, I will start now. But don't hurt you, no more of this pain. And maybe god took mercy on me. You woke up. When I saw you from the other side of door, smiling talking responding to doctors, I couldn't stop my tears. At least god listened to my one last wish. I will forever be grateful to him. I will never question him- that was the deal between him and I.
Then you pulled away. And I realized I had hurt you too much. It was the first time you didn't look up when I walked into a room. You didn't speak to me. You didn't even listened to me. That day when you closed the door on me, I stood outside for a long time, trying to think what I can say to fix it. Your health came first, of course. You are struggling under the weight of everything. I taunted you to go back to research desk a lot. I never meant it. I couldn't imagine you going away from office. When you were in hospital, the uncertainty almost killed me. You cant even imagine what it took for me to knock at your door, see you shout at me baring your soul, then held you when you cried so hard. All I wanted was to wipe your tears away. When you said you didn't want to come back, I lost it. I am not a nice man. I am a bitter, angry person who always hurt people. I was at my wits end. I knew if you made up your mind, I was the last person to stop you. After all, I was the first person to cause you pain. When you said I will be happy to see your pain, all I wanted was to say no. never in my wildest dreams I thought of you in this manner. All I wanted was safe, away from me. Never this.
I realized after that day how I was a factor to cause you break. Especially my silence. I am a man of few words now. I used to speak so openly before. Laugh openly. Say whatever I felt like. These days I only speak harsh words to hurt someone. I don't have the power to soothe anyone. But I wanted to be a healer. For you. You needed it. You standing upto your feet, smiling and head held high- that's all I wanted. I felt ecstatic when you let me sit next you, support you when you felt weak. I thought, at least I have not lost that. And when I nominated your name for bravery award, that was to pull you to light. To show you how proud and heroic you are. So what I couldn't pull myself out of darkness. I will burn myself to bring you to light. I wont take the credit for this- you suffered too. you went through hell and back and I am so proud of you. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for not rejecting me. Thank you for waiting. I know, there is no choice once heart is into someone. But still, thank you.
Why I say all these today . . . I guess I am tired. Drained of everything. And now that I have nothing to lose, I want to take this chance. You deserve everything of me, all of it. Not anything half, incomplete- my full companionship. My entire thoughts. All my heart. And maybe after all these time, I am ready to give all my broken pieces to you. I trust you with everything in me. I cant stand the thought of staying away from you. This is a dangerous desire- sure. You don't know it yet, but before I gave my heart, I gave away my thoughts, my mind, my dreams and my soul to you. I couldn't cut you out from myself. I wont. Not ever. I request you. Take me. Take me and never let me go. I am yours. My soul, my all broken pieces, its all yours.
She couldn't say anything to his grand speech. It felt like nothing could measure upto his words- for a man who don't speak much, or speak only to hurt people, his words were a soothing balm on her. It healed the nooks and corners she didn't even know was broken. When he said he was hers, she knew it was true. That he wasn't saying it lightly. He means every word, and he deserves the same. So she takes time. Debates with herself what to do or say to him. Just to give him something to hold onto. To buy her time.
They still sit in the staircase, she still shares her fears with him. The difference is he don't hold himself back. He will say words to soothe her fears. He will gently hold her wrist, circling over her pulse point with his thumb. He will smile at her often, and she will be amazed to see how beautiful he looks when it touches his eyes. They have conversation now. She slowly starts to share her dreams too. maybe its time they leave the past in past. Its time they accept this reality and lives it fully. It often takes her by surprise how Arjun sir don't hesitate to speak up. He shares the funny stories, the important people and moments in his life. Shes amazed every single time that she lived to see this day, this man smiling and chuckling to her words, sitting so close that their legs are pressed together. It make her stomach full of butterflies. When she tries to sit a bit far, he moves closer than ever. He kisses her head, her fingers, the pulsepoint of her wrist, the shell of her ears. She soaks it in, scared too- what if its all a dream? Better it don't break, she comforts her heart. If this is a dream, she would rather never wake up again.
She debates with herself too- it was a point that she knows Arjun sir inside out. He has bared his soul and there is no part of him he didn't tell her about. She sees his face and can deduct what happened- if a suspect didn't cooperate. If Raghu sir had said something unpleasant. If he couldn't fine tea. He gives amused looks to her when she deducts correctly, and says – how long will she call him Sir? And they will be lost in each others eyes, forgetting the world. Then he will walk away- this time to come back to her, and she will think to herself. This isn't right. She is not doing right.
The guilt eats at her often. He notices it too, but don't push much. Arjun sir has ways to distract her from reality and bad thoughts. And when she calls him Arjun sir, breathless whisper in his ears, he says with exasperation. Just Arjun, Riya. Drop the sir.
She calls Him one day- she is ready to tell Arjun sir everything. He is surprised, asks her hundred times if she was sure. She is giddy with happiness, a tad nervous too. but she knows it's the right thing to do. She should do it. But when Arjun sir and she is alone, she is clouded in nervousness. Her mouth don't cooperate. Instead, she says- I love you. I have loved you since a long time. And Arjun sir will smile. I know Riya. I love you too. sorry it took me so long to say it back.
In the end, she should have known nothing was happening by her choice. Arjun sir happened to her. The reality will happen to her out of nowhere too. and it did. And once again, nothing was in her control.
Note: Arjun gives Riya this book https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/12922551-the-lover-s-dictionary
Imma have to reserve it for tonight!
CID
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