Silent Whispers
-CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE-
Train Wreck
Grief was a
tricky thing.
It brought
unimaginable pain with unexplainable release. It drove you to the lands of days
gone and pushed you into the realms of days to come. It made you see what could
have been, while reminding you of what had been. It had to be the world's most
powerful weapon, for it could kill anyone without spilling as much as a drop of
blood.
And on a
cloudy Wednesday morning in one of the elite colonies of Delhi, Khushi, sitting
in front of a window overlooking the small flowerbeds Jaya made sure to nurture
without a fail, was grieving.
It wasn't the
sort where uncountable tears splashed down her face (there were no tears at all
actually), it wasn't the sort where she cursed every little thing around her,
and it definitely wasn't the sort where she denied the existence of the hole
within her.
No, it was
the sort where she was consumed by silence, so calm that it knotted her mind,
so violent that it was only thing she could feel, so powerful that she was helpless
in front of it.
It was three
weeks since her mother died.
It was so
easy to say that now, to form the words as if it was nothing but an unimportant
phrase. It definitely wasn't so when she had called her brother from the
hospital that day, trying to tell him what happened, and yet finding no words
to explain it.
The days that
followed weren't that better. There was a flurry of visitors, the few well
wishers they had left, coming to pay their respects to the woman they once
knew. The funeral was perhaps the hardest of all. Shyam alone had gone to the
graveyard to perform the last rites; she wasn't allowed and her grandfather,
their only remaining parent, had refused. Shyam had returned emptier than ever,
leaving behind a part of him to burn along with the body.
And that was
it: the end to everyone's condolences. The visitors resumed their lives, her
relatives returned to their houses. Even Jaya began to bustle around the house
with her never-ending list of chores. It was as if everyone moved on, forgetting
that Khushi had not budged even an inch from her misery, that she was frozen in
the middle of the road, watching the on coming traffic awkwardly trying to
steer clear of her.
Of course, in
the initial days, they tried. They tried -hopelessly- to distract her, to convince
her. They gave long speeches about the circle of life and death, advice on how
best to move on, and recollections of the Garima they pretended to know. Khushi
quickly grew tired of them, preferring the company of only two people; her grandfather,
whose loss like hers, was too grave to put into words and Lavanya, who knew
enough to leave her alone.
But even that
was short-lived. Her grandfather returned to the village, unable to put off his
duties any longer and Khushi was resigned to complete solitude. The only saving
grace -and it would take a long time for her to understand that- was Lavanya's
daily visits, which despite being entirely one-sided, never stopped even for a
day.
"Of course I
don't get bored coming here everyday!" she had said two days ago, when Khushi
finally voiced her thoughts. "How often do you think I'm going to get the
chance to say whatever I like in front of Miss Krazy Kinetic Gupta without her
interrupting me even once?! No way in hell
am I giving that up!"
Khushi had
almost smiled at that comment; only she heard the rest of Lavanya's answer:
"I finally talked
to Akash the other day by the way. He is doing well... he got some restoration
project. I think its called Jal Mahal or something like that. But whatever it
is, he seemed very happy with it. I was very surprised with his tone to be
honest..."
Khushi hadn't
answered. She wasn't even the slightest bit stung to know that Akash hadn't
even bothered asking about her; her pain was too grave to wallow in his fury. In
fact, she felt a bit relieved to know that at least he was leading a happy
life; the only one out of the three of them.
Lavanya had
finished her story with a nonchalance tone. "Whatever it is, I'm not
complaining. He can figure out his stuff all by himself if he wants to. We have
enough on our plates as it is!"
Khushi knew they
were empty words, said to keep her from falling further down into her pit of
misery. The truth was Lavanya was deeply hurt; Akash had royally ignored her
calls of concern, holding her partly accountable for the mess his relationship
had become. She was paying the price for being on both of their sides, instead of just one.
Nonetheless,
Khushi was thankful for Lavanya's show of indifference. Even though she was far
from acknowledging it, her best friend was perhaps the only thing that still
kept her anchored to reality. And she would forever be grateful for that.
"Madamji?"
Jaya strode into the living room, holding an umbrella in one hand and a reusable
bag in the other. "I'm going to the market. Do you want anything?"
Khushi didn't
reply. She found it silly that she was still being asked questions; three weeks
of nothing but silence was as obvious as it was going to get: she didn't want
to talk.
Jaya shuffled
her feet awkwardly. "Well, I should be back soon. Bhaiyyaji is upstairs if you
need anything while I'm gone."
This time she
didn't wait for an answer.
Khushi
continued to look out the window, suddenly wondering if it was her brother's
plan to corner her alone in the house. After all, he had been trying
relentlessly to talk to her, to tell her that everything, miraculously, was going to be okay.
For the first
time in her life, Khushi couldn't connect to her brother. She couldn't shelve
her grief and just smile back in answer to his endless requests to simply talk. And the reason was simple: he
wasn't in her position and he could never be either.
He wasn't the
one who ignored Garima all his life, he wasn't the one who treated her worse
than an enemy and he definitely wasn't the one who saw her go limp on that bed.
He knew nothing about the prison she was thrown into, so there was nothing he
could say to fix it. If only he understood that.
The morning
began to slip into the afternoon and Khushi once again settled into an endless
emptiness. It was a routine for her now;
sitting in her favorite spot beside the window was the only thing she could do
without feeling the weight pressing down on her chest.
The doorbell
suddenly broke through her haze. Realizing no one was there to answer it, she
stood up, stiff from sitting in the same position, and opened the door.
Dressed in denim
and a loose white button-up shirt, Arnav Singh Raizada stood in front of her,
his hands tucked casually into his pockets. But judging by the serious
expression on his clean-shaven face, she knew there was nothing casual about
his visit.
Not that she
cared.
Without
thinking twice, Khushi closed the door just like she opened it, without any
contempt or disappointment. It was almost as if no one stood at the doorstep. She
began to walk back to her seat near the window, when the doorbell rang again.
"MEETI?" came
the voice of her brother; she had almost forgotten he was home. "Can you get
the door? I'm on the phone!"
Having no
other choice, she opened the door for a second time.
Arnav looked
at her tensely. "Please just listen to me," he said, hurriedly in case she
decided to slam the door on his face once again. "We need to talk."
Khushi didn't
answer.
Taking that
as a good sign, he continued. "How about we go for a walk? It will be short - I
promise."
"Who is it
Meeti?" came Shyam's voice.
She had to
make a decision, quick: Meaningless walk or comforting solitude? "Lavanya," she
answered finally, bringing the door close so Arnav was hidden from sight. She
turned back to see Shyam peeking down from the staircase. "We are going for a
walk," she continued dully.
Shyam smiled
half-heartedly. "Come back soon, okay?"
She nodded
and waited until she heard the door to his study close, before stepping out.
Arnav wore a cheeky grin as they set out down the driveway. The weather seemed
more peaky than usual, and Khushi vaguely realized that it was actually evening
time. She had sat by the window the whole day without even noticing it.
"So Lavanya,
huh?" Arnav said. "I see you haven't stopped making excuses to your brother."
She didn't
hear him.
"So, how have
you been?" he asked, realizing she wasn't in the mood for teasing.
Khushi simply
kept walking. They were almost near the end of the street.
"I know what
you must be thinking," he continued, determined to keep talking. "Why am I here
when all I have done is ignore you for three weeks?"
He paused,
hoping to see a reaction; but he received none. "The answer is quite simple
actually... even though it took me a long time to figure it out. The thing about
me Khushi, and I'm sure you already know it, is that I put my family above
everything. I'm not saying it's right, but you have to understand that I grew
up like that. I grew up protecting my siblings and not to mention, caring for
them. Call it paranoia or love, but I can't tolerate them getting hurt at any
cost, least of all because of me."
They turned
left; a small park, which was usually filled with the elderly in the evenings,
came into view. Only there wasn't a single soul in sight, the reason for which
Khushi presumed, was the grey skies.
"But I did
hurt him Khushi. And I had no choice but to correct the mistake I made while I
could. I had no right over you while you were still with my brother. I should
have been honest with Akash from the beginning, but I wasn't."
They had
entered the park now. The moist grass was tickling her feet as they strode
across it.
"So I left
you that voicemail... not because I was cold-hearted, not because I didn't care what you meant to me, but because I
was desperate. Too much happened with
my family already Khushi... I couldn't risk pushing Akash further away than he
already was. I know I was unfair to you and believe me when I say I paid the
price for it too. There wasn't a single day I spent without questioning my
decision... it's almost a miracle that I didn't come knocking sooner, that I
waited until Akash somewhat understood."
She was
silent.
Arnav stopped
in his tracks. "Basically, all I'm saying is: I'm sorry. I know it was almost criminal to leave you that message.
It was uncalled for and not even remotely appropriate. I personally am not a fan of voicemails. But I did it
for my brother, and I think you of all people will understand that. Do you think
you can ever forgive me?"
Khushi
finally spoke. "Why?"
Arnav seemed
taken back to hear that. "Why?" he repeated, confused.
"Why are you
explaining all this to me?" she croaked. "Why are you asking me for forgiveness?
I'm just your intern, right? So why are you feeling guilty?"
He was
aghast, as if she was speaking the unthinkable, as if she had lost her mind
demanding for an answer. But Khushi simply stared at him, too lost to care what
he thought about her.
Her opinions
seemed to flicker on her face, for Arnav seized her shoulders and said wildly,
"Why?! Because I love you dammit!!"
Khushi
blinked, his confession bouncing out of her ears.
"Why do you
think I left you that reckless voicemail in the first place if you meant
nothing to me? And since when are you "just an intern"?!"
She gazed at
him, blank.
"For god's
sake!" he fumed, her lack of reaction seemingly driving him mad. "Do you think
I kiss all my interns? Or take them as my dates to high profile events? Or come
running to them if they are absent from work one day? Do you really think this
is how employers behave with their interns?!"
They stood
still, staring at each other in utter silence. And without knowing how or why,
the truth came tumbling out of Khushi's mouth:
"My mother died
three weeks ago."
A tumult of
expressions broke across Arnav's face as his hands recoiled from her: Shock...
confusion... understanding... worry...
"And all I
can think about is how utterly stupid I have been all this time," she continued
slowly in a dead voice "She was right there you know... inches from me. I
could've held her hand and told her how much she meant to me, how much it will
hurt if she's gone. But I didn't. Instead, I sat there in that room, whining
about some meaningless guy problems, as if that was more important to me than
her."
Arnav
listened, stunned. The clouds up above began to roll dangerously, threatening
to burst and drench them in icy showers.
She pressed
on. For some reason it was easy to keep going, now that she started.
"Everyone tells me that they get it, that they
understand what I am going through. But it's all just words... no one understands
and no one will understand because no one
spent their entire life hating their mother because she tried to kill herself
to be free from her own conscience. I spent my entire life hating her... I threw a
tantrum for years, blaming her and
everyone that defended her because I couldn't handle being left alone. What
does that make me?"
He didn't
answer, not that she expected him to anyway.
"It makes me
ungrateful. It makes me the worse daughter in the entire world. It makes me inhumane.
She was suffering for so many years, and I couldn't do anything to help her. And n-now, I have my entire life in front of
me, free of her and her problems. That's what I wanted all this time, right?
Then why I do feel like this? Why do I only keep thinking about the all things
I could've set right, but didn't? Why do I keep thinking about all those
moments I w-wasted because I cared for my ego more than her, because I-I
trusted some a***ole more than her, because I loved-d every damn thing m-more than her."
"Khushi,"
Arnav whispered, somewhat recovering from the bombshell she dropped.
Something
strange was happening, only Khushi didn't know what. "It's my fault s-she is g-gone. I
was supposed to take care of her, I was
supposed to keep her safe... they say every minute counts... if only I called the
nurses sooner, if only I noticed how pale she was looking sooner, if only-"
Her voice
began to crack. "She w-was right t-there.
In f-front of m-me and I-I couldn't-t even t-tell her how m-much I lo-oved
her-"
A wounded sound
escaped her mouth; she couldn't keep it in any longer. The pain, the anguish,
they were raking her into pieces. She shuddered unexpectedly, gasping for air.
"Khushi!"
Arnav repeated alarmed, holding her shoulders.
"I c-can't,"
she choked. "I-I just c-can't..."
An enormous
gust of wind suddenly whipped through the park, causing rain to frostily
descend through the air. But all Khushi felt were the violent shakes of her
body, breaking under the grief it had faithfully carried for the past three
weeks. Her eyes began to prick strangely as something hot burned her cheeks.
For the first
time in sixteen years, tears were rolling down Khushi's face.
"Shh," Arnav
murmured, instantly wrapping his arms around her torso and hugging her as tightly
as he could. "It's okay..."
But the tears
didn't stop; they burst out of her as though they were chained to a cage
against their will. Khushi buried her face into the hollow of his neck, weeping
bitterly. It was unfair, all of it. Why was she the only one at the hospital on
that terrible day? Why couldn't she just forget it and move on? Why was there
so much guilt that it seemed to crush her into oblivion?
She didn't
know.
The evening
began to wane when Khushi could finally think again. Arnav had stopped
murmuring consolations, though his arms remained warmly enfolded around her, his
chin resting lightly atop her head. She felt so warm, so secure that she wanted
to do nothing but close her eyes and drift off into the comforting blackness.
Somewhere and
somehow, Arnav had unlocked the tightness inside her. He gave her a way to let
it all out, while making sure she didn't shatter under its weight. Maybe that's
why she loved him. He always came to her rescue, even when she was convinced herself
that she was beyond saving.
A pacifying
stillness settled around them as the scent of freshly dug earth hung in the air.
Unable to put it off any longer, Khushi lifted her head and stepped back. The
worldly suddenly began to spin dangerously before her eyes, while her knees
buckled in weakness. The days of not eating seemed to be finally catching on.
"Careful,"
Arnav murmured, steadily holding onto her elbows.
She blinked,
her eyes raw. The park came back into focus.
"When was the
last time you ate?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.
She shivered
in answer. The rain had stopped, but both of them were drenched to the core.
"Seriously
Khushi?" he growled, finally noticing how frail she appeared. "Let's go."
Firmly
entwining his hand in hers, he began to walk back, supporting most of her
weight along with him. She followed without a word.
"How is your
brother?" he asked, when they stepped back onto the wet pavement.
"Better than
before," she replied, her voice sounding like she was suffering from a bad
cold. It was so easy to talk to him, maybe because she knew she could be
brutally honest. "He feels guilty for not being there when she died."
Arnav looked
at her, confused. "How would he have known?"
"What do you
mean? The doctors were telling us for quite a few days that she wouldn't make
it..."
"Doctors?"
Khushi
suddenly understood. She had never confided in him about her mother's condition
and it seemed, he was still unaware of it. Deciding it was better late than
never, she said dully: "My mother had stage four cancer. She was diagnosed last
year, but I only found out two months ago. She was admitted in Lilavati
Hospital ever since then."
Arnav was
thunder-struck. "Two months?! She was
admitted since two months and you didn't think it was important enough to tell
me?"
She pressed
her lips.
"So all this
time y-you were dealing with-" He couldn't finish. The truth, it appeared, was
too much for him to bear.
"I didn't
tell you," she said quietly. "Because I thought she would survive. I thought
she would live at least long enough to attend my graduation."
Arnav didn't
reply.
"But the
chemo was taking a toll her body... the doctors tried telling me that, but I
didn't really believe them, because... because I just couldn't. I couldn't accept
the truth that my mother was dying. Telling you that would've made it much more
real than I could've handled."
He sighed,
his face impassive.
"If it's any consolation,"
she continued. "I didn't tell Akash or Lavanya either. In the former case
though, I'm very glad I didn't... Akash would have been too guilt ridden to break
up with me if I did. But with Lav-"
"What?!"
Khushi looked
up, confused to hear his exclamation.
"He broke up
with you? When?!"
"Three weeks
ago," she answered, her forehead crumpling. "The same day my mother died. Why
are you so shocked?"
Arnav paled.
"So... when did you get my v-voicemail?"
She was
struck by another realization; he knew nothing
about her break-up and not to mention, his dreadful timing that day. He was
blissfully unaware.
"Well? When
did you get it?!" he asked, anxious.
Khushi
watched his panic ridden face. So much had happened already that she just
couldn't get herself to burden him with more guilt. "It doesn't matter. It was
just... a bad day. For all of us."
He closed his
eyes and even though his face was blank, Khushi knew that he understood what
she didn't want to say. She waited in dread, only to be surprised. Arnav opened
his eyes only a second later and simply kept walking, not uttering a single
word. And for the first time in a long time, Khushi felt relieved. She'd been
through enough for the day without adding the complications of their
relationship to it. That was another chapter for another time.
The evening darkened
significantly as they neared her house. Khushi randomly wondered what she should
tell her brother; he would surely notice that she was gone for an unnaturally
long time.
"Does Anju
know?" Arnav asked suddenly. His voice was steady.
Khushi
glanced at him. They were entering her driveway now. "Anju as in your sister
Anjali?"
He nodded
curtly.
"What does
she have to do with this?"
Arnav raised
an eyebrow. "You mean your brother-" He broke off, his eyes widening at some
unknown insight.
"What?" she
asked. "What did my brother do?"
He looked
away.
"I'm
serious," she muttered, halting in her steps. "What about my brother?"
Arnav took a
deep breath. "I'm not sure I'm the right person to tell you."
She narrowed
her eyes. "After all that I have told you, the least you can do is have some trust!"
He couldn't
argue with that. "Well, Anjali worked a contract at your brother's firm. She
renovated his office recently."
"Yeah, so?"
"So, they may
have started liking each other during the process and may actually have
committed to be in a relationship... a serious one."
Khushi was
stumped. "Oh."
Arnav observed
her, gaging her reaction nervously. Except, there was no reaction. In the
aftermath of all that happened, the fact that her brother found a girl (all by
himself not to mention) seemed hilarious and somewhat mundane to Khushi.
"I take it
you are not angry," Arnav murmured after a few minutes.
She took her
time to answer. "A little... but mostly I'm surprised that I didn't pick it up
sooner..."
And it was
true. Khushi had seen Anjali a lot more in the last three weeks than she should
have. In fact, she was one of the few people who had tried to coax her out of
her grief. Only, at that time, Khushi was far too gone in her misery to
question even once, how Anjali found out about her mother when neither Arnav nor
Akash did.
But it all
made sense now. Too much sense in
fact.
"Well, if it
ever comes up," Arnav replied. "You did not hear it from me."
Khushi
snorted. "That should be the least of your concerns right now."
"You aren't
going to shoot the messenger, are you?" he asked, doubtful.
"That depends
on how long you knew."
Arnav refrained
from answering.
"So, you knew
for a long time then."
"Yes," he
replied, having the tact to be honest. "But it wasn't my secret to share.
Besides, Anjali herself didn't tell me until three weeks ago, and that was only
because I nudged her into it."
"Should I
feel blessed that I found out only
three weeks after it was official?"
Arnav shrugged.
"If it's any consolation, Akash still doesn't know. I think she is going to
break it to him sometime next week."
Khushi
grinned. It was so sudden and so spontaneous, that she didn't even realize that
it was first time she was smiling since that terrible day in Lilavati Hospital.
"That actually
does make me feel better," she replied. She looked sideways to see the light in
her living room turned on; her brother was waiting.
Turning back
to Arnav, she said, "I should go... it's late."
The smile on his
face faltered, but he nodded in understanding all the same. "I know I have no
right to tell you this," he said seriously. "Especially since I've caused more
misery to you than what is forgivable, but I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a
parent, especially the only one you have left, is not something I would want
for anyone, let alone you. I wish I knew earlier, I wish I was there with you...
but it seems that in my haste to keep my family together, I forgot you had one
too."
She looked
down at her feet, all muddy from walking through the park.
"If I could,
I would have definitely changed some of the decisions I made, not just about
you, about everything else too. But take it from someone who knows, it's better
not to think like that, because it will do nothing but cause you more grief.
You may have wasted sixteen years worth of time with your mother, but at least
you have memories of the last two months."
Khushi shut
her eyes, feeling her lips quiver with the onslaught of fresh tears.
"It seems
almost paradoxical, but sometimes the ones closest to us are the most easiest
to grieve for, because you know enough of them to understand that they didn't
really go anywhere. They are still here with us somehow... you just have to find
them."
She looked up
at that, her eyes bloodshot.
"I know it
won't be easy," he whispered in understanding. "But your mother would be much more
proud if you kept her alive in your life instead of killing yourself with guilt
for having let her go in the first place."
Then to her
small surprise, he kissed her forehead and murmured, "Think about it," before
setting off down the driveway to where a sleek black BMW was waiting.
_________________________________________________________________________________
I also saw some confusion with the last chapter, so I'm just going to clear up two things and leave the rest for you to figure out 
:
Comments (79)
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Jai Shri Ram @SoniRita
+ 32
6 months ago
Glad La was with Khushi though in this 3 weeks
Jai Shri Ram @SoniRita
+ 32
6 months ago
So arshi talked n asr got to know abt Garima n the break up n other things. He just listened to her n he even said ILY to her wow
Jai Shri Ram @SoniRita
+ 32
6 months ago
Khushi, her guilt, her pain gosh its so heartbreaking :(
Jai Shri Ram @SoniRita
+ 32
6 months ago
U wrote emotions so beautifully or Khushi. What a chapter
coderlady @coderlady
+ 8
1 years ago
It was a terrible time for them all. Even if it was late, at least there is peace between Arnav and Khushi.
Jai Shri Ram @SoniRita
+ 32
1 years ago
So arnav didnt know abt garima but der talk was so emotional. Glad La was with Khushi all time this past 3 weeks. Beautifully written.
MorallyGrey @WildestDreams
+ 32
1 years ago
The much awaited chapter of Khushi. Very beautifully written
napk @napk
9 years ago
He came finally... but what a shock... all the while he was feeling guilty for what he did and thinking about his family... he never actually thought about Khushi's family... but i'm glad he came and he knows what khushi has been going through... 3 weeks back was such a bad day from all angles for khushi.I loved this small meet and talk... waiting to see where it goes from here.
Riddhi Singhal @-Riddhi
+ 4
9 years ago
SERIOUSLY? I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN JUST HOW PERFECTTHIS STORY IS! JUST HOW PERFECT *_*Everything abt it is Just AMAZING.From your writing, to the Characters, to the plot, to theirLove IS JUST.PERFECT. How can you manage to write such a fantastic story?Yknow, this plot too came in my mind, but I am too lazyTo write it and post it. Exams But, I am so happy that I eexperienced this plot being Transformed into a story by you.JUST PERFECT.I would LOVE to read further. Do update soon.PM me please.
sanjeewi15 @sanjeewi15
9 years ago
I cried a lot while reading this chapter... It was soo well written... hats off friend... :) :)