Part 3 - Leaked: Barun Sobti’s advice to Sidharth Malhotra on how to handle Parineeti Chopra’s trolling

Setting: A quiet, dimly lit vanity van parked on the outskirts of Mumbai. Sidharth Malhotra has invited Barun Sobti over for "coffee," but he has a secret agenda. Barun is sitting there in a plain grey hoodie, looking like he just rolled out of bed but somehow still looks like a cinematic shot.

EXT. VANITY VAN - NIGHT

Sidharth is pacing the small floor of the van while Barun calmly sips black coffee, watching him with an amused, steady gaze.

SIDHARTH Yaar, Barun... tune dekha na kya hua? Parineeti literally destroyed me live. Viral ho gaya hoon main as the 'Anxious Puppy.' I need to change the vibe, man. I need that... that 'Sobti Stare.'

BARUN (Looking at him blankly) Sidharth, it’s 9 PM. Tu dhang se baith pehle. What even is a 'Sobti Stare'? Main bas thaka hua hota hoon, bro.

SIDHARTH Nahi, listen! Sab kehte hain tu 'mysterious' hai, 'clean' hai, 'unreachable' hai. Even Karan Johar is obsessed with your 'intensity.' Mujhe bhi wahi seekhna hai. How do you stay so chill when everyone wants a piece of you?

BARUN (Setting the cup down, leaning back) Simple hai. Stop over-explaining. Industry mein sab ki aadat hai har cheez ka justification dene ki. If you don’t show up, you don’t have to tell them why. Just don’t show up.

SIDHARTH (Taking notes on his phone) 'Don’t show up.' Okay. Par agar koi ro raha ho? Like, if a co-star starts crying in front of me again?

BARUN (With a straight face) Toh rone de. If it’s real, they need space. If it’s fake, they want a reaction. Don’t give them either. Bas ek baar look de, and walk away. Silent treatment is the best PR, Sid.

SIDHARTH (Trying to mimic Barun’s intense, brooding look) Accha, look at me. Is this mysterious?

Sidharth narrows his eyes and tries to look deep and soulful. He looks more like he’s trying to read a distant menu without his glasses.

BARUN (Bursts out laughing) Nahi, nahi! Tu toh aise lag raha hai jaise tujhe acidity ho gayi hai. Relax your eyebrows, man. Mystery comes from actually not caring, not from pretending to think about something deep.

SIDHARTH (Laughing) Mushkil hai, yaar! My face just wants to be nice. I’m a nice guy!

BARUN (Smiling warmly) And that’s fine. But if you want to prank Parineeti back? Next time she talks, just look at her for ten seconds. Don't blink. Don't say a word. Just tilt your head slightly.

SIDHARTH (Practicing the head tilt) Aur phir?

BARUN Phir uth ke chala ja. No 'sorry,' no 'dinner on me.' Jab woh call karegi, pick up after the tenth ring and just say, "Abhi nahi," and hang up. She’ll go crazy wondering what she did wrong.

SIDHARTH (Grinning) Damn. Tu sach mein khatarnak hai, Barun. This is 'Clean but Lethal.'

BARUN (Getting up to leave) It’s not lethal, it’s just peace of mind. Anyway, wife is waiting. Good luck with the 'mystery,' Bond.

Barun claps Sid on the shoulder and walks out into the night without looking back. Sidharth stands in front of the mirror, practicing the "Barun Head Tilt" for five minutes before he accidentally smiles at himself.

[ to be continued…]