Chapter 19
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[MEMBERSONLY]
Previous Chapter:
Chapter 17: Bitter Memories (Part I)
He stood in front of the floor to ceiling window of the thirtieth floor of the building, staring out at the neighboring skyscrapers of Delhi, along with rooftops of many smaller buildings. His hands were clenched into fists and shoved into the front pockets of his trousers to prevent them from causing more damage than they already had.
His personal work studio, a place where he locked himself up and worked away during stressful days, lay scattered behind him. Papers and samples of fabrics were strewn around the entire place. Anything fragile that once belonged here was now reduced to shards and shattered pieces which were scattered all over the floor. His coat and tie were buried under the mess somewhere.
The icy blast from the air conditioner was pathetic and useless against his boiling blood. His eyebrows were etched in a frown and his eyes prickled with tears that wouldn't come. As he watched on, his eyes registered a number of things. The bright sun, birds flying around, trees swaying in a gentle breeze, flickers of colours as flocks of people moved around and above below on the roads, looking like little specs to him.
Everything that he saw reminded him of her. A reminder of her reminded him of a memory that he was trying to lock away. He clenched his fists tighter, against the protesting pain in his left hand. He knew that if he pulled his hand out to check, he would find the wound opened and bleeding again but he didn't care.
How could he care about a meaningless cut on his hand when his heart was shattered?
He had never felt so weak and helpless in his life as he did now. He hadn't felt this way when he had the wretched argument with Khushi. He hadn't felt this way when he had found out that she had left. Because then, there was hope. Hope that things would eventually work out. Hope that somewhere down the roads, their paths would merge again. Never had he imagined that when another path would join hers before she came back to him.
After her announcement four days ago, all of that hope had vanished, dragging Arnav into an abyss filled only with pain, guilt, and blinding rage.
He pulled out his left hand from the pocket and held it, palm-up, in front of his face. He looked at the white bandage around it which was, as expected, tainted faintly red from the blood that must be seeping below it. Just the mere sight of the white strip hauled Arnav into the last coherent memory of his.
"Nk."
"What?!" Anjali and Payal shrieked simultaneously.
"Is this a joke?!" Anjali narrowed her eyes.
"Of course not, Anjali...Why do you think that I brought NK with me to your wedding?" Khushi raised an eyebrow.
"I haven't noticed the ring all these days!" Payal spoke as she eyed Khushi's ring.
"I took it off, obviously...it would have given it away..." Khushi replied in a bored tone.
"I...I don't know what to say...why didn't you tell us?!" Anjali said in an accusatory tone.
"I told you...I didn't announce it earlier because it was your engagement...I didn't want to steal your thunder."
"When did this happen?" Rohan, although surprised, spoke much more calmly.
Arnav's grip clenched around the glass more even as the flimsy material protested mutely.
"About three weeks before I came here..." Khushi answered quietly.
Arnav saw red. She had been engaged this entire time? Ever since she had step foot in India, ever since he had met her again...through the dance at the cocktail party, through the workout session, through the dance practice, through yesterday's dance performance...she had been engaged to NK this entire time?
As his rage broke through the boundaries, the glass shattered in his hand. Ignoring the fresh cut across his palm, Arnav stood up with so much force that the chair tumbled backwards. Without a backward glance, he had stormed out of the dining hall and within the next half an hour, he had found himself seated in his SUV, heading towards the airport to catch the first flight to Delhi.
The past four days had passed by in a slow, agonizing blur which included numerous glass structures broken, numerous files ripped apart, countless tears of anger, frustration, and loss. It was almost as if life had thrown him back to those dark days three years ago.
As he shoved his hand back into the pocket and stared out straight ahead at nothing in particular, his mind was engulfed in the events that had led to all of this mess in the first place.
(Flashback)
Arnav watched as she stared up at the exam centre nervously. Shaking his head at her, he pulled her into his arms without a warning. He felt her press herself closer to his chest and he smiled in response.
"You'll be fine, Khush. As usual." He pulled apart and kissed her forehead encouragingly. "Go and make me proud...I'll be here when you're done."
She gave him a big smile and turned to enter the fancy looking building. She had merely taken a step away from him when he grabbed her wrist again. She turned to look at him confusedly. He frowned thoughtfully at her and she raised her eyebrows at him.
"I get the feeling that you're hiding something from me..." He began.
Khushi blinked a couple of times and her expression told him that he'd hit the right nerve. He waited patiently as she thought over his statement.
"There's something I want to tell you..." She admitted.
Hope instantly flickered within him. He knew that in a few days, he was going to talk to her about how he felt towards her, what she meant to him, how much he loved her. He had done everything he could to try and figure out whether or not there was someone Khushi seemed to be interested in and he'd figured out that there was no one. Not Joel, not Arnav himself...no one. This was better than her being interested in someone because that would change everything. Now that he was sure there was no one, he had decided to stick with his initial decision which was to tell her how he felt.
Could it be that she wanted to talk about the same thing?
"I've wanted to tell you for a while now...but...I guess today seems like a good day...post exams and stuff." Khushi smiled nervously.
"We'll talk tonight." He smiled at her and let go of her wrist, looking content.
Smiling widely at him, she quickly leaned in to kiss his cheek and waved him bye before rushing to her exam room. Arnav stood there feeling dazed for a couple of minutes. His mind very hopeful about their conversation and his vision filled with the various expressions of Khushi's that he may get to see once his feelings become known to her.
The shrill ringing of the cell phone brought him out of his thoughts. Cursing the technology, he pulled out the phone from his pocket. He frowned at the caller ID when he realized who it was but answered the call regardless.
"What do you want, Shanaya?" He spat bitterly.
"I'm Sheetal...Shanaya's cousin...Sha-Shanaya has tried to commit s-suicide and she keeps asking for you...Please...please get to her place as soon as you can!" The unfamiliar was frantic and shaky, as if she were on the verge of tears.
"F***!!" Arnav was already running towards the driver's side of the care. "I'm on my way!"
He hung up, tossed the phone on the seat next to him, turned the key in ignition, and took a sharp turn to head back towards Shanaya's place within seconds. He drove, uncaring of the traffic rules, while his mind filled with guilt. He ran his hand through his hair in a frustrated gesture many times during his drive.
All the women he dated casually knew what they were getting into when they entered into a relationship with him. All of them, including Shanaya. She had admitted that she wasn't looking for anything serious right now either, then what the hell was the meaning of all this?
Within the next fifteen minutes, Arnav had pulled onto the driveway of Shanaya's house. Before he reached the door, a fair skinned girl who looked around his age, opened it.
"A-Arnav?" Her voice shook and she dabbed at her cheeks to wipe her tears.
Arnav nodded in response and the girl stepped aside to let him in.
"Thank you so much...I...I didn't know what to do!" The girl said as she half jogged towards the end of the hallway leaving Arnav to follow her.
"How is she? Did you take her to the hospital?" Arnav fired the appropriate questions but there was no time left for the girl to answer back because they'd reached the room.
Arnav felt shock paralyze him as he took in the sight in front of him.
Shanaya was sitting on the bed, cross legged, wearing her pajamas, holding a sharp knife against her wrist even as tears streaked down her face.
"Shan!! No!!" The girl who had greeted Arnav lunged towards her and grabbed a hold of Shanaya's hand, prying the knife out of her grip.
"NO, LET ME!! Let me die, Sheetal! I love him...if I don't get him, I'm going to kill myself!" Shanaya screamed and thrashed while Sheetal tried to wrap her arms around her cousin.
"Shanaya, listen to me!" Sheetal raised her voice too. "He's here...Look! Arnav is here!"
Sheetal turned Shanaya's face towards the entrance of the room where Arnav was rooted in the same spot, too shocked to move.
"Arnav!" Shanaya exclaimed and smiled widely, albeit tearfully.
She wrenched herself out of Sheetal's grip and jumped off the bed. She ran the remaining distance and threw her arms around him, clutching onto him with all her might.
"I knew you would come! I knew you'd come back to me! Don't...Don't ever leave me again...I love you! I know you love me too...I knew you'd come..." She mumbled and muttered the same few sentences over and over again, still holding onto him, although, he stood as still as a statue with his arms by his sides.
Some distant voice in his head screamed at him to throw her off, to pry her hands off of him and to just turn around and leave. Leave and go back to his Khushi. But the larger part of him made him wrap his hands around Shanaya and try to calm her down.
Arnav Singh Raizada may be a playboy, he may be an idiot who was playing stupid jealousy games to get some reaction from the woman he loved but he was still human. He may be a Casanova but he wasn't heartless.
So he led the sobbing woman in his arms to the bed and sat her down. He patted her back gently and held her as she sought solace. In a few minutes, she had fallen asleep.
Arnav sat there feeling numb and guilty to the core. He didn't know how he had managed to hurt this woman to the point where she wanted to kill herself. This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't a murderer, damn it!
For the next couple of hours, while Shanaya slept, Arnav stared blankly at the wall, unsure of what would happen now. He was aware that the girl named Sheetal was still in the room but she was quiet and so was he. Even as he sat there, recalling the flabbergasting sight that had greeted him here, there was a nagging feeling within his heart that made him feel like he was forgetting something.
Later, he would realize that he was forgetting that the woman he loved was waiting for him back at the exam centre. He would realize that he was forgetting that it was their Thursday night out today...which he was going to miss.
"Tell me everything." Arnav said weakly, not really addressing Sheetal.
Sheetal took a deep breath and sighed. "I spoke to her on the phone a week ago...I...I'm a resident doctor, you see...and I picked up hints of depression when I spoke to Shanaya...so I've shifted here for a few days to keep an eye on her. She's been having suicidal thoughts for the past two days and I kept letting it slide thinking that she's just trying to get attention...but today...I found her with the knife against her wrist...she seemed to be having second thoughts and that gave me enough time to stop her...and I made that call to you from her phone because she kept asking for you..."
"Why haven't you taken her to a doctor?!" Arnav exclaimed, suddenly angry.
"Did you not hear me?!" Sheetal was suddenly agitated. "I am a doctor! She refuses to go to any other...and...I haven't told her parents about any of this...apart from me...only you know..." Sheetal sniffled. "I honestly think all she needs is a bit of time with you and she'll be fine...I don't want this to ruin her future...people with these kinds of cases struggle in the real world and I don't want to put suicidal tendencies' on her record..."
For the next half hour, Sheetal had explained everything in detail while Arnav had listened with growing numbness. The knowledge that Shanaya had tried to kill herself because of him sent ice shards through his very being. He had sat there quietly, his mind in a state of limbo, until Shanaya woke up around 8.pm.
After her initial joy that Arnav was still sitting next to her, she had fallen into her normal behavior, much to Arnav's relief. Arnav tried his best to entertain her, to do what she requested, simply to make sure that she was happy. According to Sheetal, even a tad bit of grief or disappointment could push her to depression and that was the last thing Arnav wanted at the moment.
It was that notion that had led to the round of drinks that night. While Shanaya and Sheetal brought out their stocks of alcohol, Arnav had noticed the large number of missed calls on his phone, especially from Khushi. He had sent her a barely informative text, letting her know that he would be out that night and that he would see them tomorrow. Once the girls had settled in the living room with him, they had downed various cocktails over a light conversation, while some action movie played on the TV screen.
The next coherent memory Arnav had was waking up the next morning. He was instantly aware of the satin sheets under him, opposed to his Egyptian silk ones. The next thing he had realized that some woman was in his arms. He knew for a fact that it wasn't Khushi. He could recognize her touch even in sleep.
He looked down to see Shanaya sleeping peacefully while her head rested on his chest. Instinctively, he tried to move away from her, only to register the next fact. His shirt was missing. So were his jeans. While he removed his arms from around her, he realized that she was equally bare under the sheets.
His breath was suddenly strangling him as he connected the dots. He couldn't have! He had a couple of drinks the night before and then he had slept...he had no memories of Shanaya and him doing anything else.
Because we haven't done anything. He told himself, in an attempt to keep the colossal waves of guilt at bay.
Not wanting to touch the woman who was clinging to him, Arnav wiggled away, waking her up in the process.
"Arnav?" She drawled as she lifted her head to look at him.
Arnav, however, looked everywhere but at her.
"Thank you so much Arnav..." Shanaya rested her chin on his chest and looked at him endearingly. "Last night was the best night of my life..."
Arnav's heart clenched painfully, making his spine shiver unpleasantly. "W-what do you mean?"
"Oh come on...you know what I mean...after everything that happened between us last night...I know that we're meant to be...it was so perfect..." Shanaya sighed dreamily. "Oh, this is such a great feeling...surrendering yourself to the man you love...I'm glad that you're the one I lost my virginity to."
The gently spoken words fell painfully loudly against Arnav's ear drums. The trickles of guilt broke through the control and he felt a storm raging within him. He felt absolutely furious with himself and at Shanaya. He felt guilty, hurt, ashamed, and disgusting; all at the same time. His ears tuned out anything else Shanaya might have said because they were filled with an odd buzzing sound. He was staring at the ceiling, not really seeing the patterns of the floral wallpaper.
"What's wrong, baby?" Shanaya shook him a little.
Arnav flinched and tried to wiggle out of her grip. This time, she actually let him go. "N-Nothing Shanaya...I just need to use the washroom."
He picked up his jeans from the floor and donned them before stepping out of her room. He took long strides towards the washroom in the hallway. As soon as he was within the small room, he shut and locked the door behind him, resting his back and head against it for support. He shut his eyes as Shanaya's words echoed in his ears, making the hangover-headache more profound.
All these years, through the sea of women he'd dated, he'd made sure to not sleep with them. Though his hormones allowed him the occasional kisses, his feelings for Khushi had always held him back from taking things any further with the other women. Hell, after every kiss he shared with some girl, he'd feel guilty for hours afterwards and now he'd gone ahead and done something he had promised himself he would never do.
He looked into the mirror, his guilty expression staring back, reminding him of what he'd just done. As he raised his hand to run it through his hair, his eyes fell on the small innocent-looking anchor sign on his hand.
He felt the bile rise up to his throat as the thoughts of Khushi and how he had woken up this morning fought for supremacy. Turning on the tap, he leaned over the sink and slapped cold water on his face angrily.
He had let Khushi down. He had betrayed her. He had insulted his feelings for her. He had slept with Shanaya. He had let Khushi Down. He had betrayed her. He had insulted his feelings for her. He had slept with Shanaya...
"F***!" Arnav punched the wall next to the mirror, ignoring the sharp pain that shot its way up his entire hand. "F***!!"
He rested his palms flat on the counter on either side of the sink after splashing some more cold water on his face. His eyes scrunched up in the internal agony that surged through his veins and his body shuddered even as he tried to shut his mind off completely. He was just coming to the realization that he liked the state of limbo he has experienced yesterday far more than this guilty awareness. He was hit with an urge to leave from the place and escape somewhere. And he did just that.
After brushing his teeth with the toothbrush that Sheetal had handed him, he quickly told Shanaya that he needed to head out. When she had looked like she was nearing a panic attack, he'd been forced to promise that he would come back in the evening.
He was oblivious to the traffic on the road or of his destination as he drove aimlessly, for hours, trying to shake off the sinful feeling. But it wouldn't go. With every minute passing, the dread weighed down him more and more, leaving him utterly penitent. The music blared in his car, making the metal body shake with its force, but it did little to wipe out the ringing in his ears, the echoes of Shanaya's voice.
He found himself surprised when he noticed that he'd driven home eventually, and was parked in the basement parking. He glanced at the dashboard clock and clenched his jaw. It had been over 24 hours since he had seen or spoken to Khushi. And his life had turned inside out within a single day.
Khushi. How was he supposed to face her now? She would read him like an open book. He didn't want to tell them about Shanaya and have them worry about it. It was his mess and he would have to sort it out...alone. He knew that speaking to Khushi would make him feel better but that was out of the question after what he'd done last night.
His hope that he runs into no one came crashing down the moment he opened the door to the penthouse for everyone was present in the living room. A fleeting glance and alert ears had been enough to gather that. He felt, rather than saw, Khushi's presence in the room. He mumbled some greetings and walked directly to his room, particularly avoiding meeting Khushi's gaze which seemed to be boring a hole in his back as he walked away.
_____
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