Chapter 34

Arnav sat by her as she slept fitfully, oblivion denied to her by painful memories that flooded her mind with the force of a gale. He tried to calm her, tried curling his fingers around hers, tried to hold her down, soothe her with soft kisses on her forehead, tried calling her name and shaking her by her shoulders to distract her... but nothing worked. Bitter poison of past tragedies ran through her frail body and she moaned and wept helplessly all night as Arnav watched helplessly, his heart filled with self-hatred.

It was late morning when she woke up.

Her lashes fluttered and parted to reveal Arnav sitting slumped in a chair by her bed. His head was twisted at an uncomfortable-looking angle as he tried to rest in the small chair.

Khushi looked at his exhausted face and her heart clenched.

Why? Why did he affect her so much? Why did one man have such a hold over her life, her hopes, her dreams, her fears, her tears, her very soul? How could one man reach her through the veils of her amnesia? How could one man be so much a part of her that even memory loss could not free her from him? Devi Maiyya had etched him on her heart with a knife, Khushi thought, to remain there forever carved, to make her bleed, to hurt, to make even breathing impossible...

She had hurt every moment she had spent with him... and she had hurt more when he rejected her for Lavanyaji. Each moment away from him, every inch that separated him had been torture, misery.

Arnav jumped up. "Khushi..." he murmured as he usually did, looking around, alert. His eyes met hers for a long moment.

"Are you...fine?" he asked softly, his fingers stroking away a strand of hair from her cheek.

Khushi nodded slightly.

"Khushi, I am sorry," he said.

"For what?" she asked tonelessly.

"For hurting you," he said softly.

She turned her gaze away from him.

"Especially... on Diwali night," Arnav bit the bullet.

Khushi surprised him by turning tearless eyes to look at him.

"You had the right to choose whom to marry... and you chose right. Lavanyaji was definitely more suited to you than me. But what were you doing by the pool with me a few moments before announcing your decision to marry her? You had no right to do that," her voice was steady.

"Khushi," he whispered. "I am sorry I hurt you. I... I tried to fight my heart."

Khushi remained silent.

"Love... I never thought it was real. I... I thought it was a weakness... that broke up families," he closed his eyes, trying to hold back his tears.

"Like it was with your father?' Khushi asked softly.

"Yes," Arnav confessed. "Something that caused more pain than pleasure, shattered families, killed... people. Something that made slaves of men and women."

"Did you love me then?" she asked conversationally.

"I did. I just didn't know what was happening between us, why I couldn't control myself..." he tried to find the right words to convey his utter bemusement at that time.

"If only you had known what you were feeling then," her lips twisted in a mocking smile. "You could have saved many people tears and heart burn."

"Khushi," he whispered, knowing very well that she must have spent Diwali night crying her heart out.

"Lavanyaji who thought she had got a man who loved her and wanted to marry her, I who thought I had found a man worthy of my love..." she shook her head at her own folly. "You made both of us cry. You gave both of us dreams when you had no intention of following through."

Arnav could only look at her.

"Your past made you what you were and are," Khushi smiled, her eyes cold. "But we paid the price, Lavanyaji and me."

"Khushi," Arnav could only whimper.

"I hope you grovelled at her feet for her forgiveness...and I hope she refused it," Khushi said in a matter-of-fact voice.

He could only look at her.

"Had you found the courage to admit that you cared for me, had you found the nerve to face your feelings for me instead of running away to hide behind Lavanyaji's pallu, then I would have fought the world for you," Khushi said, smiling bitterly. "I would not have let any Shyam coerce me in to an engagement I did not want. I would have cut his arm off before he pushed his ring on my finger."

"Khushi..." His call wafted on the air like a lament.

"Had you told me of your past, of your allergy to marriage, I would not have pressurised you to marry me. Just the knowledge that you loved me would have kept me warm all my life, even if it was spent away from you, alone somewhere," Khushi swallowed her tears.

Arnav tried to kiss her fingers, blinking to get rid of his tears. Khushi looked away leaving her numb digits in his hand.

"You sent that rascal in to my life. You left me without the protection of your love so that he could override my protests and force an engagement on me. And then you dared to taunt me for getting engaged? What exactly did you expect me to do when you were planning your sagai with Lavanyaji? Sit at home and knit sweaters as sagai gifts for you?"

"Khushi, I... I didn't think..." Arnav tried to explain.

"You never do. You never do, Arnavji. You do things without thinking them through and then regret them. Always. And by the time you get to regretting your actions, they will have destroyed many lives. And you never learn from your mistakes, do you, Arnavji?" Khushi asked. "If you didn't want to marry me, you should have had the kindness to let me be, let me find happiness in my own way. But you couldn't let that happen, could you?"

"Khushi!"

"You didn't want me, but didn't want anyone else to want me too," Khushi's smile was bitter.

Arnav had no reply to make.

"You could abandon me, but Devi Maiyya couldn't. That is why I found out that Shyam was Anjaliji's husband during the Satyanarayan pooja," Khushi looked directly in to his face. "I slapped him and threw the ring at his face."

"That was why you were so upset that day when you ran in to me..." Arnav said softly.

"I wanted to tell you, but... I didn't want to hurt you by disclosing what a worm your Jiju was. I didn't want to shatter Anjaliji's dream world," Khushi grimaced. "In hindsight I should have told you everything... whether you believed me or not, found fault with me or not," Khushi smiled wryly.

"Khushi," he tried to protest.

"You sent Lavanyaji away. Poor thing! She had wasted so much time on you and all she got for her troubles were tears," Khushi's voice held anguish.

Arnav sat looking at her. There was nothing he could say to save himself.

Khushi continued, "And Akash Jiju had to fall in love with Jiji." She sighed.

"I was trying to avoid the Raizadas and the Raizadas had to come right in to my family."

She looked at him. "The sangeet...

the mehendi..."

She turned her face away, her hand slowly touching her cheek as she remembered his kiss by the pool.

"I could finally show you how much I loved you," Arnav whispered.

"Jiji's shaadi..." Khushi frowned. "When was it?" She sat up in bed, her head clutched in her hands, trying to remember.

Arnav gathered her in his arms. "It will come back to you. If you can remember all these, you will be able to remember the rest too."

Arnav contacted the detective agency that had given him the whereabouts of Sunehri.

"Get me every bit of information on Anurag Mallik you can lay your hands on. What he owns. His debts. His income. His family. What he eats. What he drinks... and where," he said, his low voice sounding menacing to the detective listening to him.