Chapter 35
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[MEMBERSONLY]
[NOCOPY]
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Part 7: Day 7
Section 3
"My father fell prey to some pretty face and forgot his wife and children, Khushi. My mother committed suicide because of him. He killed himself out of his guilt. Di's wedding got cancelled, and we became homeless..." Arnav sighed, his eyes seeing the scenes from his past, his simple words conveying a world of loss.
Khushi shut her eyes tight and tears flowed down her cheeks in an unending stream.
"I was determined not to follow his footsteps, Khushi. I am my mother's son, not my father's, Khushi. I am not weak like him." Arnav looked deep in to Khushi's wet eyes. "I was determined to prove this to myself and the world, to my family that expected me to be like him... I gave up his name, Khushi, to keep him away from me, to grow up as different from him as possible... and feeling my heart beat for a girl was not in my schedule, my plan for my future..."
Khushi looked down. Arnav cupped her face to make her look at him.
"But when I saw you, sitting in the circle of diyas, dressed in a red sari, looking like a princess, I lost my heart. The heart I didn't know I had." he confessed in a low tone.
Khushi drew in a deep shuddering breath.
"My locker was filled with your things..." he said slowly.
Khushi looked at him.
"It still is... the pearls from your dress I had torn that night at Sheesh Mahal... they had found their way in to my coat pocket just as you had barged in to my heart, Khushi. I have it safe in my locker."
Khushi gaped at him.
"The piece of dupatta that had stuck to my rearview glass, your broken chudi, your payal, my hanky stained with your blood after I cleaned your finger at the temple... I still have these..." Arnav ran a gentle finger down her ashen, wet cheek.
"I came to return your payal to you. I hadn't known that it was your Amma's, that it meant so much to you..." Arnav began.
Khushi looked at Arnav.
"You sprained your ankle and I set it right. I... I couldn't go away... from you... without answering the silent question in your eyes. You wanted to know why I had kept the payal safe with me, and I wanted to tell you... It was a magical night, Khushi. I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame, Khushi. I was so caught up in my feelings that I never spared a thought about what I was doing, the ramifications, the future... The innocence in your eyes, the unwilling attraction to me that you couldn't hide, your response to my touch that you couldn't control... it was like your eyes were beckoning me..."
Khushi saw the Diwali night before her eyes.
"I was about to kiss you, I was so eager to kiss you... Aman's call was a wake-up call, Khushi. Arnav Singh Raizada couldn't believe that he had lost his self-control. That he had been about to reveal his weakness to the girl who had been undermining his self-control for the past few months. That he had been about to give in to his weakness, like his father. Arnav Singh Raizada could not have that happen! You had no place in his life. No girl had any place in his life. You had to be pushed out at the earliest, in the most effective manner. Because you mattered to him. Because you got under his skin. Because one look from your eyes could make him forget himself and his past. He couldn't have that happen, Khushi. What would ASR be if he forgot his past, if he gave in to his attraction for you? A weakling like his father... Everything he had worked towards in the past decade would mean nothing, would crumble to ashes if he gave in to his attraction for you... And where would that leave ASR? No where. Right where he began his fight. Without his armour, without his shield, without his arrogance, without his ego... And without all of them, ASR would be lost for ever. He would stop existing, Khushi. What would Arnav do without ASR's mask, Khushi? He would be hurt, tricked, cheated, trampled upon... his heart stabbed by betrayal, by loss... he would be weak, vulnerable... So you had to go. Out of ASR's life. Out of RM. Out of his mind, his dreams, his heart. ASR had to throw you out to survive. And ASR did it..."
Khushi looked away. Arnav lifted her face, his fingers beneath her chin, to look in to his eyes. Khushi could not meet his gaze, the miasma of their pain filling the air with a funereal pall.
"I tried to pluck you from my heart and throw you out, Khushi. You cried. You asked questions for which I had no answer. You fought for our love. I fought to deny it. You knew, Khushi. You knew that something momentous was happening between us... even in your innocence you knew it. I knew it too. Even in my ignorance of what love was all about, I knew it. But I had to push you away to save my sanity, to survive..."
Arnav pulled Khushi in to his arms, holding her tight against his heart.
"I will never forget the look in your eyes, Khushi, as I told everyone that I was wiling to marry Lavanya. Never. Not as long as I live. I hurt you, Khushi. And each tear of yours fell like acid on my heart, Khushi. I am sorry, Khushi, so so sorry..."
Khushi remained silent, her wet face against his, her arms around his shoulders.
"But worse was yet to come. Your smile, your wishes, your sweets... and the smile on your face as you congratulated me in the car that night. Khushi... I... the cruel words I spoke that night at your doorstep... I am so sorry, Khushi... I didn't want you to return to RM. The words were a warning to me, reminding me of how uncharacteristic my actions were, how susceptible I was to you... Khushi, the problem was never you. It was always me. Only me."
Khushi moved away from his embrace, leaning back against the pillows. She wiped her face dry with her fingers, and looked at him.
"If I hurt you on Diwali night, Khushi, I hurt myself more. Because there was no way you were going out of my head. I spent all 24 hours thinking of you, worrying about you. Every time anyone spoke your name in this house, I went ballistic. And watching you leave after Di and the others bid farewell to you, I had an inkling of what I was losing. You returned the mannat ki chabi to me, and I followed you to the temple to bandage your hand. When I saw the wary look in your eyes as you saw me, I almost died, Khushi. Because you were trying to push me away, push me out of your heart just as I did, so that you could survive."
Khushi swallowed hard.
"When you stopped me from tending to your wound, I... I couldn't bear it, Khushi. How could you stop me from touching you, when I had been touching you whenever I wanted, where ever I wanted, for months? When you were mine, only mine?"
She looked in to his hurt-filled eyes.
"Everything that I said that day in the temple, about making my own destiny, about writing my own fate... was meant to remind me of my past, how far I had come from being a helpless teenager, unable to stop his mother from killing herself, or his father from following her to the pyre..."
He caught Khushi's hand and pressed her fingers gently, looking at the finger that he had bandaged.
"When you pulled your hand away as I tried to make you wear the ring, and said that it was your engagement ring... Khushi, I died. Khushi, that moment... I had been trying to push you away from me, hide behind Lavanya who was a friend and never a threat to my heart... and at that moment, I realised that you had put yourself out of my life, my orbit, let someone else in to your life... My folly hit me hard, but when you asked me why it meant so much to me, I couldn't find the words. I stopped at farak padta he kyunki... because I didn't know farak kyon pad raha tha. I just knew that it mattered more to me than my life." His voice was low, tired...
Arnav leaned against Khushi, lying against her, his face buried in her chest. His arms came around her, taking and giving succour. Khushi's arms came around him, slowly pulling him more firmly in to her hold.
He whispered against her, his weary breath causing the dupatta to move slightly in the force of his exhalation.
"From then on, it was an uphill battle. Trying to get back the girl I had lost through my stupidity. And Lavanya was shopping for wedding clothes and discussing cruises for a honeymoon and my family was turning every moment in to high drama." He sighed. "I couldn't even think straight. I wanted you to admit that I mattered to you, that your fiance didn't. I wanted you to throw the ring at his face. I wanted you to come back to me. But what I would do if you came back to me, I didn't know. I was incapable of thinking beyond getting you back. I was abusive, cutting, hurtful... my pain making me lash out at you for getting engaged after I had literally pushed you in to another man's arms..."
He snuggled in to her softness, weary beyond words.
"I am sorry, Khushi... so... so... sorry... And when you went missing after crying on my shoulder, I almost had a heart attack, Khushi. I panicked. I called you, many times. And when you answered my call, I shouted at you. There was a storm in my chest, Khushi. One I couldn't control. Maybe my weird behaviour told Lavanya that I loved you. She knew long before I did. We decided not to get engaged. I felt terrible for hurting her, but greater than that was relief. Relief that I was not committed to a person I didn't want to be committed to. Relief that I had pulled back from the brink of a mistake that would have made every one unhappy in the long run..." his words slurred.
Khushi sat silent, holding him safe in her arms. He burrowed further in to her warmth.
"I opened the door, and there you were, all dressed up for your Jiji & Akash and my & Lavanya's engagement. Ready to dance the night away, a bright smile on your face. Standing there, holding a gift in your hand, for me & Lavanya. I... I almost fell to my knees, Khushi, seeing the total lack of malice or self-pity in your eyes. You were genuinely happy that Lavanya was getting what she wanted and I was getting what I had said I wanted..."
Khushi swallowed through a dry throat, reliving the painful times.
"And you danced at what you thought was my sagai, smiling all the while... How could you, Khushi? How could you...?" He lifted his eyes to look in to hers, his head still resting against her bosom.
Khushi shut her eyes and leaned back against her pillow. Arnav buried his face against her again.
"You scolded me for breaking Lavanya's heart, and inadvertently let me know that your sagai was broken... Khushi, the relief of it... Khushi, I can't tell you... Khushi... I am so sorry... so sorry... so sorry..." His voice died away as he fell into deep sleep.
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