Chapter 83
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Finding Khushi
Happy Birthday, Sayali! (23rd April)
Part 19
Section 8
Arnav stared at Khushi's face, lost for an answer.
She looked at him for a few moments, and then slowly laid her weary head on her pillow. Her eyes drooped as she waited for his response.
"Khushi...", he said. That was all he could say.
"It is not possible for everyone to be hard-hearted and emotionless in a relationship, is it?", she asked, her words slurred.
Arnav looked at her lying on her Buaji's teak bed that creaked, the stars representing her parents twinkling in the lamp light. She looked very young, very, very defenceless, and exhausted beyond description.
"Girl friend... boy friend... being in a relationship...", she mused. "Anger... love... liking... hatred... even possessiveness... jealousy... It is human to feel all these, isn't it? Even girls who wear chote kapde or no kapde, they too feel everything that a middle class girl like me from a small town would feel, don't they?"
Arnav looked directly into her eyes, reading the resignation in hers.
"How can you kiss Lisaji then and be indifferent to her now?" Her low voice sounded loud to Arnav. "How can you kiss me without thinking of other women you have kissed?" She was genuinely curious.
Arnav could not find his voice. Not that he had any use for it when he had nothing to say. All he could do was stare at her in shock and silence.
A while later, she said, "I knew something would happen. It always does." She shut her eyes. "One moment of happiness. Just one moment of it. And then days of sorrow. That is how my life is..." There was no self-pity in her voice, only an acceptance of how things were.
Arnav swallowed his pain, the muscles of his throat protesting against the motion.
"Our marriage will be very difficult, Arnavji. Because we are too different.", Khushi thought aloud.
"Khushi...", he croaked in panic. "Don't think like that." If she walked away from him...
She smiled slightly. "I am not saying that I won't marry you, Arnavji. But our life together will be difficult... for both of us."
"Khushi...", he protested.
"Difficult for you, because I am ajeeb. Bilkul sanki. More than my Buaji thinks or knows.", she confessed.
"Khushi, don't..."
"Because I am scared. Too scared of losing you, too scared to leave you... Too scared of waking up one day to... to... to find my world shattered again... to feel empty again... to be alone again... to have no one in this big world...", she sighed.
"Khushi, you will never be alone again.", Arnav promised, holding her hand to his heart, blinking his moist eyes to see her clearly.
But Khushi was not crying. Nor was she asking for reassurance and promises. She was looking at herself with dispassionate eyes. Analysing herself mercilessly.
"I am weak. Like the creeper in your garden that clings to the support you have fixed for it."
"No, Khushi, you are not weak. You are the strongest person I have ever met. And the nicest. Your heart... your goodness...", Arnav started.
Khushi smiled laconically. "What good is this heart and goodness?" She shook her head. "They only make me cry. They don't help me live."
"Khushi, don't talk of yourself like that.", Arnav warned as he kissed her hand.
"And living in your world will be very difficult for me. The lies... the women... the vultures..."
"Khushi, I will make sure that nobody hurts you. I will..."
"Kill all your girl friends? Wipe all foul-mouthed women off the face of this earth?", Khushi smiled. "Or silence all gossiping women? I don't think even Arnav Singh Raizada can do it."
Arnav looked at her, helpless, terrified. His life was going out of control.
They stared at each other, seeing the road ahead of them paved with bitchy ladies and insecurities and tears and anguish. Unable to bear Arnav's distress, Khushi got up and walked on her knees on the bed to him.
She cupped his face.
"It is all my fault, Arnavji.", she claimed. "If only I had accepted Kanhaiyya Lal's love letter in 7th standard! Or Banke Bihari's love-filled missive in 10th standard! Or Kishorilal Mathur's love note hidden in my Physics notebook in 12thstandard! ", she sighed. "It is too late now."
Arnav stared at her.
"Then maybe I might have had more boy friends than you had girl friends!"
His mouth fell open. Khushi tapped his chin to close it. "I know you take maas-machi when you eat in teashops, but do you eat mosquitoes too?"
He looked at her smiling face for a moment more, and then pulled her into his arms and held her as tight as he could.
"My ribs...", Khushi complained gently in his ear. His hold loosened... slightly. "Or wedding guests will ask why the bride is walking with an uneven gait."
Arnav buried his face in the hollow of her neck. She felt his hot tears wet her silky smooth skin.
"It is alright, Arnavji.", she comforted him. "We will manage. Some how. As long as we love each other...", she whispered, running her fingers through the thick mass of his unruly hair.
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