Chapter 36

1 years ago

BrhannadaArmour

@BrhannadaArmour

Chapter Thirty-Six

Rehana nudged Nikhil as the door to Farhad's bedroom opened. "Let's go." With Nikhil's hand on Mandar's shoulder and Rehana taking Pallavi's hand, they quietly led the pair to the living room and sat down facing each other.

"When Farhad realized that he was gay, he wasn't ready to tell us," Gulshan informed them gently. "We were paying attention, and making sure he heard our acceptance of anyone else who was out and proud, but he was at the age when children want their privacy. If we had rushed in to tell him what we guessed about his secret thoughts, would he have felt relieved, or would he have felt exposed as different from other boys, and tried to deny it? We waited. Then, one day, Farhad looked at us and we looked back at him; he blushed and smiled and we smiled and nodded; he started to laugh and we laughed with him ... and he just told us as proudly as he would share a new song on his violin after secretly training to play it perfectly."

Mandar and Pallavi hardly realized how smiles had spread over their faces, forgetting their heartaches for a moment. Mandar's body began to tingle, imagining why Farhad had urged him to come out to Pallavi. Even if Farhad helped Raghav to trick and humiliate Amruta and Pallavi, and his loyalty to Raghav comes first, Farhad wouldn't pretend to like me ... he really wants a chance with me ... but I have to be loyal to Pallavi.

"Farhad called; he asked us to look after both of you," Rehana explained. "Farhad's Abbū and I don't want to intrude on your privacy; we only want you to feel safe telling us what you're ready to tell."

"Farhad went to talk to Raghav so that you'll be safe from him, Dādā," Nikhil added. "Dī, breaking up with Dādā doesn't mean you'll leave our family, right?"

"We're not breaking up," Pallavi quickly reassured Nikhil. "Ammī-Abbū, I can understand that you don't approve, but Mandar and I need each other."

"Beṭī, we approve of you choosing what is best for you!" Rehana exclaimed.

Gulshan nodded. "You aren't the first couple to feel this way. Imagine couples who have been married for a few years, couples who share children; when one partner comes out, they often seek comfort in stability, in their friendship and respect for each other."

Love, Mandar thought. What I feel for Pallavi is more than friendship and respect. I love her for taking my place in our family and choosing me over Raghav. And when we have children to hold us together, I'll resist temptations like Farhad ... and he won't want me anymore.

"Usually, they change their minds after some time," Rehana remarked. "When both partners are sure of their affection for each other, they can safely let each other go."

Pallavi stared at Ammī, tears stinging her eyes. Did Ammī think this was just a phase? Was she humouring Pallavi, waiting for her to outgrow her love for Mandar? Pallavi was committed to Mandar for a lifetime together; why couldn't Ammī accept that?

"Don't feel hurt, beṭī." Rehana patted Pallavi's hand. "I am only saying that my support doesn't depend on what choice you make. Never think you are stuck, beṭī. It is your life and you will learn from experience what is best for both of you."

"Dī, come home with us tonight, please?" Nikhil ventured after a silent minute or two.

Pallavi looked at Mandar with yearning. Why had she announced to Āī that she would first annul her marriage to Raghav, and then celebrate all the ceremonies of joining the Deshmukh household? She wanted to spend tonight with Mandar in their bedroom, where she could hear his breathing as she was used to hearing Raghav's, where she could reach out and touch Mandar, where she would know that he was safely hers and he wouldn't leave her behind again. It wouldn't be decorous, of course, right after their first date, without giving Subhadra even a day to file the petition for annulment. Should she care?

Mandar nodded. He couldn't expect Pallavi to stay here after his confession that he liked Farhad. He couldn't come here to date Pallavi; he had to put distance between Farhad and himself, just as Rahul had behaved with Manasi. Mandar gathered his courage and opened his mouth to tell Nikhil yes.

"Wthout consulting elders in the family, it wouldn't be right, Nikhil," Pallavi said. "Tomorrow morning, I'll ask Milind Kākā what to do." For the sake of Amruta's and Manasi's feelings, she wouldn't come home tonight only to drive out Sulochana Kākū the very next day.

Mandar sighed, understanding Pallavi's hint. Their priority was to get Milind Kākā's permission to report Sulochana Kākū's crimes to the police, and then to console Manasi and Amruta. If he brought Pallavi home tonight, Kākū would surely make it an unpleasant memory, forever linked to what would happen to Kākū tomorrow.

"Will Milind jī help Vijay jī and Sharada jī to accept Mandar's truth?" Gulshan asked. He had never met Milind Deshmukh, but after hearing Pallavi's laughter when she had Kākā on the phone, Gulshan felt sure that Milind jī was a jolly uncle.

When neither Mandar nor Pallavi spoke, Nikhil answered, squeezing Mandar's shoulder. "Yes, Milind Kākā always does everything he can to keep our family together," Inwardly, Nikhil had to admit that Kākā had reached his limit when Kākū had beaten Amruta in a rage after the abortion lie backfired. Kākā had tried to throw Kākū out of the house, and Manasi Dī had agreed with him, but Pallavi Dī had convinced Kākā to forgive Kākū so that the whole family could comfort Amruta and Manasi Dī together. What Mandar Dādā had to say would disappoint Āī-Bābā terribly, but even the darkest days were brightened by Milind Kākā's jokes.

Yes, Pallavi thought, Kākā will always believe in Mandar. Even after everything that Raghav did to hurt all of us, Kākā believed that Raghav came to live with our family because he was sincerely sorry. Raghav's face today when I told him that Bābā had been willing to accept him ... I shouldn't be thinking of Raghav! I want acceptance for Mandar. Bābā has to accept that I'm not converting Mandar, just loving him.

Rehana, observing Mandar's disappointed face, tried to comfort him. "Pallavi will stay here tonight, but you are always welcome to visit her."

"Thank you, Ammī jī." Mandar knew that Farhad's Ammī-Abbū meant to be kind, but he had to make a clean break from Farhad. "I was thinking that Pallavi could stay in a hotel from now on."

"Why, Mandar? Would you stay there with her?" Gulshan asked, and got his answer from the unease in Mandar's eyes. "You are free to spend days or nights together as you like, but let us be Pallavi's family until you take her home."

"Farhad will be here soon, Mandar," Rehana reasoned gently. "Talk to him about your plans. Maybe he will understand you better than we can."

Mandar looked at Pallavi, silently pleading with her to forgive him for what Farhad might say when he arrived.

"Tell me about Milind jī's wife," Rehana suggested, to change the subject. "I know you don't like to talk about her, Pallavi, but Farhad told me about her antics in front of the news cameras yesterday. Was her behaviour with Mandar equally hostile?"

"When Sulochana Kākū finds out that I'm gay, she'll gossip about me all over Hyderabad," Mandar predicted. Without telling Milind Kākā tomorrow, he couldn't tell anyone that Kākū had taken him away from his family and left him with Amma, maybe so that she could out him for being in conversion therapy. "She will tell customers to stay away from our shop because of me. Kākū wants my Āī-Bābā to have no income, so that they'll be helpless to sell our house to her."

Gulshan got up and put his hand on Mandar's shoulder gently. "When your need to be loved becomes anyone's reason to deny you opportunities in life, that's unfair. It's rough when you think of that person as your family. Right now, Farhad is finding out if his Anna values him, or he needs to find a new job after coming out. Your answers will come too. But know this, Mandar. You may have more obstacles to face, but success still rewards hard work and talent. Mr. Pooswami - Farhad's first boss - became a successful businessman before he came out as gay. Mr. Pooswami's example gave Farhad confidence to come out even as a student intern, and Farhad proved his capability. Now that you are coming out, Farhad will support you. Whenever you have a rough day, remember that for someone who has to travel the same road after you, you are making it better just by being you."

"Thank you, Abbū jī," Mandar said, as Pallavi smiled and squeezed Ammī's hand. Mandar doubted that Bābā could ever believe in him the way Abbū believed in Farhad.

"We should head home, Nikhil," Mandar suggested. "Bābā will feel stressed if he gets home and doesn't see us there."

"Farhad wants to see you, Mandar," Rehana objected. "He's worried that his Raghav hurt you."

"Bābā hasn't seen me since the fight with Ved at lunchtime," Mandar argued. If he waited here, expecting Farhad to speak to him tenderly, could Mandar be firm in his renewed commitment to Pallavi?

"Let me call Farhad and find out if he's on his way," Gulshan suggested. Mandar's face fell as Gulshan continued, "At least talk to Farhad on the phone."

"Farhad tuzhā mitra āhe nā, Dādā?" Farhad is your friend, isn't he, Dādā? Nikhil spoke up. "Tyālā kāya ṭāḷatoysa?" Why are you avoiding him?

"Farhad-śī bolāyalā tara pāhije tumhī," Well, you have to talk to Farhad, Pallavi noted. Let me see that you won’t leave me for mere physical attraction, she thought.

"Ātā tū aho-zāho karaṇaṃ soḍāvasa." Now you should stop using honorifics for me. Mandar was tired of feeling guilty about Pallavi respecting him like some pati-parameśvara, and now that she knew how unworthy he was, it had to stop. "Āpalyā maitrīcyā saṃsārāta phakta are-ture çālela." In our friendly married life, just singular pronouns will do.

Gulshan called Farhad, but he didn't pick up. A moment later, Abbū received a text: "Driving now. Home soon."

Gulshan, Rehana, and Nikhil tried to engage Mandar and Pallavi in casual conversation, but neither of them could feign much interest after the intense events of the day. Finally, Rehana returned to the subject that was on everyone's mind.

"Mandar, for the past two years you didn't remember you were married. You were free to live as yourself. Did you have a boyfriend?"

"No," Mandar replied quickly. "The one thing I remembered was the name Pallavi. There's no one in my life except Pallavi."

At that moment, Pallavi saw Farhad, who had just stepped into the flat. The hurt expression on his face was unmistakable. Pallavi felt bad for Farhad, and jealous too. Farhad liked Mandar the way Mandar liked him! That was natural. She knew how special it felt to spend time with Mandar. Her husband, the man who had never forgotten her, wanted her to come home. She wouldn't give up on him.

Mandar looked away as soon as he saw Farhad, and got to his feet, wanting to leave before Farhad revealed how Mandar had behaved with him.

Farhad hid his disappointment and tried to be Mandar's friend again. "Raghav Anna told me that he punched you, Mandar. You're not hurt?"

Mandar shook his head miserably.

Farhad wished that Mandar would look him in the eyes. "You know Anna was wrong when he said I tricked you. I want you and Pallavi jī both to be free; that's why I urged you to come out."

Mandar nodded silently. He wanted to tell Farhad, I know you were always honest with me. You were never the coward that I was. Mandar licked his lips, willing himself to say a few grateful words to Farhad. It wasn't right to end their friendship with silence, but he couldn't tell Farhad it was over without Nikhil and Farhad's Ammī-Abbū guessing why.

Before Mandar could answer, Pallavi spoke. "You're our dear friend, Farhad, and you always will be. Whatever you did was only right. Mandar and I are free of the secrets now. No more conversion therapy. I like my husband just the way he is."

"Farhad, what did that man say when you told him you're gay?" Ammī asked, and Mandar felt sorry that he hadn't asked. Farhad had taken Raghav's fury upon himself for Mandar's sake, and Mandar was more concerned about his own coming out! Could he stop being selfish?

"I still have my job and we're still friends," Farhad answered modestly. Raghav Anna's homophobic insults had left an ache even after his apology, but Farhad didn't need Ammī to feel outraged about that. Anna liked to show everyone that he didn't care how he harmed them; he would do it again on purpose. This time, Anna had cared and promised to change. Maybe the day when Kirti would love him was not so far off.

"Mandar, try not to worry about Raghav Anna outing you," Farhad said, changing the subject back. "Anna is angry at you, but he doesn't want to make a spectacle."

"Tomorrow morning, we'll tell Milind Kākā first," Pallavi informed Farhad. "Can you make time to be there with us?"

"Jī, Pallavi jī."

Mandar could not object to Pallavi's invitation after everything Farhad had done to gather evidence for him. "Thank you, Farhad, for everything." Mandar got up, did namaskāra to Ammī and Abbū, gave a grateful look to Pallavi, and walked out of the flat, followed by Nikhil.

For Raghav, the day ended as it had begun, with a visit to the room where he had recreated his childhood home. This time, he brought Damayanti with him.

"See this handkerchief, Damayanti? I stitched 'Raghav loves Maa' on it when I was in school. So, why is it in this room, and not with Amma? Well, the day before MahāŚivarātri, Amma was being released from the hospital, and Celli had told me she would get upset if she saw me, so I went in disguise as a taxi driver to take them home. By the time we got out, Amma had recognized me, but she wouldn't talk to me. She was trembling, and she dropped this handkerchief. I bent to pick it up for her, but when I touched her feet, Amma turned away and left it behind as if it was nothing. This handkerchief stayed in my fist the whole time I was supervising the delivery of sexy clothes into Pallavi's shop and clearing out the sarees, and making a complaint to the weavers' association. Then I put away the handkerchief in this room and got drunk until I lost shame and set out for Amma's house."

Raghav lovingly folded the handkerchief and put it back in its place.

"Damayanti, when I saw those photos of Anjali doing things to me, it took me back to what I had allowed those men to do. Someone I didn't like had used my body again, but I couldn't even remember what I was seeing. I couldn't breathe. Amma had thrown me out for doing what good boys don't do. It took nine years for Amma to give me another chance, and Anjali ruined it. Those photos reminded Amma of me being for sale, and it looked like I was making Anjali do that work. I could have said I was innocent, but who would have believed me? The words didn't come. We couldn't go back to the days when Amma believed in me without any explanation. Now Amma wouldn't hold me and promise that whoever had hurt me would suffer. Amma's tears weren't for me; they were only for that anonymous girl that she thought I ruined."

Picking up the white saree that he had placed in the room that morning, Raghav continued. "I thought it was Pallavi who drugged me and leaked those photos. I had to teach her a lesson: Raghav Rao is no one's victim. When she tore the sleeve of her blouse, I was angry at myself for feeling sorry, but I covered her up with my jacket anyway. So what if she gave Anjali her chance to feel me up? Raghav Rao doesn't like girls outside their limits. Then I showed Pallavi that being naked in the news didn't cramp my style. I got on the dance floor and let everyone look at me. When Pallavi needed someone to hook her blouse, I followed her to her room and got up close. She said, 'You don't have izzata, but I do,' and I thought she was such a phony! The next day, I called her to RR Mansion for a meeting, and I wore sweatpants, no shirt. Let her check me out, and see if I was ashamed! Rambo's face turned red, seeing my body on display for Pallavi, and I thought they both deserved to squirm."

Raghav sank to the floor, pressing the saree to his heart and letting his tears flow. "Well, look at Raghav Rao today, Damayanti! Sārī kā Dukāna got her Bābā's blessing for our marriage, but she will never look back at me. Her attraction to my body was my only advantage, but she's over it, now that she knows I have HIV. I was stupid, thinking that she could love me after knowing what I traded for money while she was staying pure for marriage. I lost my chance long before I even met her. I hate that I had to beg Pallavi not to tell my secret, while I couldn't stop that video from getting out. Pallavi forgave me for bragging about paying her for sex, but she and Celli will never be free of gossip, while I get to move on with my life after doing it all. Pooswami Sir made everything possible for me. Why did he want me to succeed? I know I could never be nice to someone who lied about feeling attracted to me, the way I kept giving Sir signals that he could have me. I just want to get drunk and forget all my mistakes. Why shouldn't I? Amma, Celli, Pallavi, Farhad ... whatever I do out of love for them only makes them unhappy."

Damayanti put her head in Raghav's lap.

"You still believe I'm not all bad, right? Help me to stay away from the whisky, Damayanti."

Sitting face-to-face with Damayanti, Raghav told her, "Everything's piling on Pallavi, you know. She's making bad decisions, not thinking clearly. Someone has to tell her Mandar's not right for her, but who is there? Farhad has a soft corner for Mandar. When Mandar's family and his friend Krishna find out he's a cheater and a homo - I mean, gay, they'll make excuses."

Damayanti licked Raghav's face.

"You're right! Your Māmayya and Attayya will want what's best for Pallavi. She might not feel ashamed telling them about Mandar ... or about me."

Raghav tried calling Siddhesh, and then Pavani. Neither of them picked up. Raghav left each of them a message to call Pallavi; she is facing a crisis and needs to talk to them right away. "All right, Damayanti. I would have told them all about Mandar, but let's give them a chance to hear it from Pallavi. Now, there's one more bad decision that we have to block before your Amma regrets it."

Raghav called Dhananjay. "Delay the annulment."

"Good evening, Mr. Raghav. Is it your objective to convince Mrs. Pallavi to return to your marriage? I can plan our strategy accordingly."

"No. I don't want Pallavi to feel trapped, but Raghav Rao's ex-wife can't walk away empty-handed. Today, Pallavi told me she got back Rs. 10 lakh, and I thought she had almost that much in savings. Then I counted the money that Pallavi had returned to Amma, and it was Rs. 8 lakh! What was the hurry? Amma wasn't asking for the money back! But no, Pallavi has to be honest, so her contingency fund never grows. Until she accepts the settlement and alimony that I've offered, I won't let her go, artham ainadā?"

"That will be a most atypical negotiation, Mr. Raghav! I suppose I can argue that your marriage to Mrs. Pallavi is valid until Mr. Mandar Deshmukh's death certificate is expunged, and in the meantime her right to maintenance under divorce law cannot be ignored."

"Whatever." Raghav ended the call, and said to Damayanti, "If Satya-Nārāyaṇa is taking notice, by the time your Amma decides to dump Mandar, she'll realize that Raghav Rao's love and money aren't such a bad combination."