A/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update! :D :D
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2nd January, 2005:
Sorry that I'm writing to you a day late. A situation arised.
Unfortunately for me, surprises always end up being shockers rather than pleasant ones. I was dead exhausted yesterday, thinking about how for once I could rest and just... sleep, rather than study since my second semester starts from next week. Plus, Mota Babuji gave me the day off today since everybody were still in the spell of last night's New Years party.
Yesterday was pretty much hectic because there were two back-to-back parties going on at the mansion, and I've barely had time to even breathe, far less sleep it off. So you can only imagine how happy I was when I was finally relieved of my duties at ten last night by Mota Babuji, who told me that I definitely needed to sleep because I looked like a sleep-deprived zombie.
But before I could even so much as let my head touch the pillow, Falguni Maa came up to our quarters and asked me whether I'd seen Ishaani the whole day. Now I'd barely been home in these two days because they were huge parties, and I had to constantly shuttle between parking all the cars, handling all the food arrangements and getting more supplies for the party. I wondered why Ishaani hadn't come to meet me, but then again I knew how Falguni Maa caught hold of her and took her all around so that she couldn't escape.
Ishaani hated all these kinds of parties. If she could have it her way, she'd lock herself up in her room and bury herself into a book, but Falguni Maa doesn't allow her do to that. Ishaani and Falguni Maa must have had an argument on this so many times that I've lost count on it. So whenever there's a party, Ishaani tries to fade into the background and find a corner where she can sit and brood, but Falguni Maa always has the upper hand. So I assumed that it would be the same this time as well.
Apparently not.
Falguni Maa looked at me worriedly when I told her that I hadn't seen her at all in the whole day. She, in return, told me that nobody had seen her since yesterday morning. She never stayed out till so late and certainly never went out without telling anybody. And that was enough to make my heart beat uneasily. She never did things like that, and even if she did plan on doing stuff like this, she'd always tell me. All I could think about was where could she be at such a late hour of the night (it was eleven).
Sleep flying away from me as far as it could, Baba and I followed Falguni Maa into the hall to see that everybody were seated, lost in thought. Mota Babuji walked up towards me looking extremely worried.
"Ranveer, do you know where she is?"
I told him the same thing that I told Falguni Maa, and everyone else too as they kept asking me the same question with a different string of words every time. Mota Babuji had called up all of her classmates to see whether they knew where she could be, but none of them had a clue. As a paranoid father, he even called up some of the hospitals to check, but even there he didn't find a response. She'd been last seen at eight in the morning. After that, there was no clue about her.
I asked Mota Babuji about what had happened and he looked deeply unsettled. Ishaani had again being going through one of her low-key phases with her mood since three days. Out of three days, two days she ended up sleeping upon my shoulder in my room when she wouldn't get sleep and needed to cry her heart out to someone. The first night I put her off to sleep on the cot but the second night I decided that taking her up to her room was a better option and so I did. I didn't want any more problems for either Ishaani or myself, especially after the fiasco Baa made during Holi last year. And my dear, sweet girl slept over my arm though when I put her on her bed and I had to wait for two whole hours before she finally changed her side and freed my arm away.
The third night she fell asleep in the store room and it was only by a fortunate co-incidence that I happened to pass from there when I noticed that the door was open. Ishaani would have almost burned her face with the burner lamp so dangerously close had I not managed to put my hand in between and pull her away from it. The back of my right hand is still burnt a little but it's alright. I carried her back to her room and tucked her in neatly when she woke up and suddenly burst into a bout of tears. I stayed up with her till four in the morning as she vented all of her insecurities and frustrations until she finally fell asleep, although judging by her expression it wasn't really a peaceful one.
To make matters worse, that afternoon, Mota Babuji had gotten angry with her because she had again been careless about the earrings that he'd brought her. She happened to lose one and that somehow led to a lecture on how irresponsible she was getting and how disappointed her was with her. She could never, ever take that kind of disappointment from him. And that was just the beginning.
She'd also been told off by her cousins (that also turned into an ugly spat) for being such a stuck-up prat and not agreeing to go out on a late night party at a pub. After that, Falguni Maa had scolded her in front of all the guests because she'd got mascara smudged upon her eyes that led to some very snide and rude comments being passed upon her openly by many of the guests. And then Baa sealed the job by actually telling her to get lost and never show her face again as a favour since everybody were tired of her embarrassments and wouldn't miss her at all.
The next morning, the last person to see her was Baba, who told her that I wasn't at home.
I was out the whole night dropping all the drunken guests home and I barely got two hours' worth of sleep when I had to go back to bringing supplies for the next party. Baba was the last person to see her and since then, she was poof. Nobody happened to realize that she was even missing until seven in the evening since everybody were busy with the afternoon brunch party. How was it that nobody realized that she was missing really beats me. Mota Babuji looked like somebody had taken his soul away from him when he realized it.
By the time it struck midnight, Falguni Maa had already reduced into a heap of tears, Mota Babuji trying to pacify her the best. The entire cousin squad looked deeply concerned about the well-being of their sister, while the other elders were in deep conversation about why she had just suddenly disappeared like that and where could she be at that time of the night. Only one person remained quiet throughout the entire fiasco - Baa.
Once there was a pregnant silence echoing through the house where nobody knew what to say next, Baa walked up to me, her cold eyes never leaving my own ones. Ever since I'd entered the living room, she'd only had eyes for me, silently observing me through the whole scene. I did not dare to meet eyes with her even though I could feel them following me wherever I went. Now that she walked up to me, I bent my eyes in servitude, remembering how I was never supposed to meet eyes and talk.
"Look up," she ordered and even before I had to time to actually look up, she pulled my chin up. Our eyes met. She gave me a scrutinizing look, speaking coldly. "Find her."
"I- I- I don't know where she-" I stuttered, but she raised her hand, stopping my flow of speech.
"If there is anybody who can find her right now, it is you. You know her the best from all of us and always manage to sniff her out from anywhere when none of us have a clue about her. Find her, and bring her home," she repeated, her tone frightening me.
"I don't-" I began, but she cuts my protest short.
"You have until the time of dawn. Bring her home, or else don't bother returning. And if you return home a minute later than dawn with her, you'll find me using a very old technique of punishment," she threatened, the punishment in question being the whip.
Even before I could open my mouth to speak, she pointed her finger towards the clock. Without speaking another word, I found my feet running towards the door, afraid that if I stayed a minute longer staring at the demented woman's eyes, she'd kill me. Oh, Hansaben Kothandas Parekh is a terrifying, terrifying woman.
For the next three hours, I must have driven through half of Mumbai (the roads were mostly empty), going through every place that we've been together, wondering whether she was even alright or no. There were such strange kinds of news these days about kidnappings that even the thought of it made me shudder.
I could have killed her for making me live the most frightening three hours of my life. All my pains and sufferings in those eight years felt trivial against this new fear that kept pounding against my chest, making my stomach squirm uncomfortably as though somebody was wringing it. When I couldn't find her at any of our spots, I could only feel the perspiration break out upon my head.
I felt my blood go cold, a strange desperation latched along with it.
When I felt my hands begin to shiver, I braked at the car, bringing it to an abrupt halt at the side of the road. I let my head fall upon the steering wheel limply, forcing down the fear that kept rising into my throat while the most demented of thoughts crossed my mind. Oh, how I yearned to slap that stupid girl the moment I laid eyes upon her! I could have even strangled her! But the desperation that kept hitting me over and over again was something that made my senses go numb.
'No, I had to be in control of myself; I had to be in control of the situation' was the only mantra I kept repeating to myself over and over again, sleep now threatening to claim me in its entirety. Oh, what wouldn't I have given just to sleep away through my worries, only to wake up and see that none of this was even true. It was all just a bad dream. But my life was no dream, so naturally this couldn't be one too. If only the desperation wouldn't course through my senses so much...
And that gave me what I was looking for. It was curious, really, how everything just fell into line like the links of a chain. But it did. I shut my eyes as I calmed my mind down (as much as I could in a situation like that), beginning to focus solely upon the desperation I felt. I tried connecting the first subsequent thought that crossed my mind with every associative thought.
What crossed my mind was something like this:
The first thought that crossed my mind at the word of desperation was the same one I felt during my accident phase, which in turn, reminded me about the yearning to connect with nature. And led me to thinking about the beach. But Ishaani always hated the beach at night because it reminded her of a desperation that even turned the blue waters black. But there was desperation, oh yes, the common link. I'd checked everywhere except the beach. What harm would it do to check, really?
So revving up the car again, I rammed at the accelerator and directed the car towards the path of the beach, my mind strangely focused upon finding her there. It seemed like such an obvious solution that for the first time in those three hours, I drove the car with a possessed mind to find her at the beach, no other fear or anxiety or even doubt crossing my mind. I had to find her there. There was no other solution, and there was no place for any doubt. Or rather, doubt wouldn't enter my mind because somewhere deep down in my heart, I knew that I was right.
And I was.
Parking the car outside the outlines of the road, I quickly ran towards the beach in a demented speed, looking blindly back and forth to get any sight of a human being around. Strangely enough, being the remnant of the New Year day, the beach was completely deserted. But maybe that was because everybody preferred the disco and the clubs these days for a celebration.
I kept running, my desperation suddenly flowing loosely through my veins as I obliterated all thoughts and ran as fast as I could without any aim. Oh yes, running did soothe down my desperation. I don't know for how long I ran through that stretch, but after a myriad of minutes I found her sitting idly some distance away from where the white foam frothed upon the shoreline, hugging herself in comfort as she stared at the dark waters, lost in thought. My feet come to an abrupt halt as my run now turned into a gradual jog, until by the time I reached her, they were just footprints upon the sand.
I sat beside her, words somehow failing me to bring her attention upon my presence. There was an explosion of emotions that I felt at the sight of her unscathed form - anger, resentment, relief, exasperation, concern, worry... And yet I couldn't do anything about what I felt. I just stared at her as she gazed at the water with a strange fear in her eyes, as though afraid it would encompass her and take her for its own. What was she up to, really?
"It took you long enough," she remarked suddenly, and I was zapped out from my line of thoughts. I didn't know that she realized I was sitting right beside her.
"Are you alright?" I asked her even though it was such a stupid question, really.
Oh, how I wanted to yell at her at the top of my lungs and shake her, making her feel the panic that I could barely keep in check. But everything failed me. It was as though some kind of cold hand had fallen upon my heated emotions, thrusting back a poised blow of calm into me.
"I've been better..." she replied softly, still not meeting my eyes.
"You could have atleast told me, you know," I told her slowly, my eyes scrutinizing her features, now devoid of any emotion. Oh, this part of Ishaani always frightened me. An emotionless Ishaani Parekh was a calamity upon anybody who trudged up her path.
"I needed to get away from everything..." she replied in the same daze, her voice like a hypnotic monotone.
"Do you have any idea how worried I've been about you? How worried everyone at home are?" I questioned her, hoping that atleast something would snap her out from her stupor. Nothing did, really. But she did turn to look at me, a cold smile upon her face.
"Does anyone truly ever care, really?" she asked, her voice now placid. Her eyes had no spark, no fire. Just ice. Constricting ice that reminds me of something I've felt myself drown into before, but I could not place where.
"What?" I asked her stupidly in return, while her smile only intensified.
"Nobody even noticed that I must have been missing for the whole day," she remarked confidently.
"Get up, I'm taking you home," I spoke strongly, taking her by the arm. She didn't budge at all. I sat down beside her once again grudgingly.
"I'm just being honest, Ranveer," she sighed sadly. Even before I could say anything, she questioned me, her tone challenging. "Tell me, did anyone notice that I was even missing?"
I averted my gaze, trying to change the topic.
"Ishaani, please, we can even go home and-"
"Even if I died, no one would care," she said suddenly, cutting through my speech. I stared at her in shock as I saw the blank look upon her face. It wasn't a question that she had made, it was a statement.
And in that ugly moment, I realized that Ishaani had exhausted her ability to emote. A lot had happened last year - our four-month estrangement, several ugly episodes with Baa and even more episodes of humiliation in front of hundreds of people, difficulty in blending with her classmates recently, the sudden increase of workload upon her because of her studies and then there were her terrible mood swings.
She'd clearly been going through a lot, and even though she was smiles most of the times, talking nonstop and making jokes with me and roaming around like a chirpy canary, I realized that it was a facade that was cracking day by day while she tried to desperately hold it all together. But she'd bitten more than she could chew with it - she couldn't take it anymore. She had a breakdown three months back because she could not take the stress anymore, but instead of solving her own issues, she decided to hide her sorrows to help me overcome by own.
She was paying the price for it now.
I don't know why I did what I did next, but I smiled at her. She looked at me curiously, wondering why I was smiling at her. It was quite uncharacteristic of me, and I knew that even through that emotionless shell of hers, she wanted to see somebody defy her strongly and tell her how she meant the world to them. I took her hand in my own and placed it upon my chest. She shut her eyes, feeling my beats pulsing through the thin fabric of my shirt while I shut my eyes at the same time.
I don't know after how long I opened them, but when I did, her eyes were already open. She was staring at me, fixated. Electrocuted. I put my hand upon her hand that still remained over the place where my heart beat and spoke honestly.
"If you died, this would cease to exist too."
She looked stricken, as though I had physically slapped her. Her eyes glazed slowly as though she was returning back from some distant world, the beats of my heart her only strand of sanity on the journey back. She looked at me as her lips quivered and even before I knew it, she let her head fall upon my chest. Her eyes shut slowly as though in a meditative prayer, and I could feel her strong grip upon my shirt tug my neck. But it was a comfort I was willing to give her.
"Why'd you come here, Ishaani?" I asked her after an indefinite amount of time.
"I don't know... I just felt like," she confessed blankly, and needless to say, it worried me.
"So have you been here the whole day?" I questioned once again, her answer in the affirmative.
"I still don't like the black waters, Ranveer," she remarked suddenly, her eyes now frightened. "It's as though somebody has drained all the life out of it and left it all dark and depressing, leaving it to choke upon its own destitute, frothing upon its own inky poison. It makes me feel desperate to go save it, but I can't... I can't do anything about it," she confessed, and I can sensed the helplessness in her voice.
"Ishaani, let's go home," I repeated once again, hoping that she'd listen to me.
She didn't even hear me.
"You love the black waters now, don't you?" she asked again, her mind clearly lost in a reverie. It was as though I hadn't spoken at all. "They fascinate you; inspire you. Tell me, Ranveer, why do you love them so much?"
She looked at me quizzically, her eyes still devoid of any emotion.
"Ishaani, please-" I began but she cut me off.
"No... I don't like the black waters, but it is how I feel right now. I can relate to it. Let me be, please," she requested and I could sense the despair in her voice.
I remained silent and let her be the way she was - fallen into my arms like a broken doll. After some time, I realized that she'd fallen asleep in my arms. I tried separating her and gently getting up, but her grip was too strong to separate herself from me without waking her up. So the only option I had was to let her sleep. And as I held her in my arms, I stared at the inky waters with the fullest of my attention, the barren sky its perfect reflection. The moon sought refuge behind the clouds as the waters mourned the tragedies of the human dilemma, the human pain.
I sat there stroking her hair, letting my chin fall upon her head slowly. She only snuggled closer to mefor a comfort and security she longed to feel of being loved, and it made me sigh. What was going to happen of her? She was too weak to survive; she'd been strong for so long that all of her defenses had come around crashing. She trusted me so much that she'd surrendered herself entirely to me.
When I'd met her eight years ago, she was a girl who trusted no one; who perhaps couldn't even trust herself. Because that's what the world made her - an girl who feared placing her trust in the wrong place, who had no judgment of trust as long as her heart told her it was alright. She could rarely trust anyone but she always ended up trusting the wrong person.
After so many betrayals of trust, she'd finally found me reliable and trustworthy of it. She knew that I'd never break her trust, but I also knew that she was tired of everybody breaking it. What was going to happen if she ever fell in love? Love was a leap of faith where trust was most often placed in the wrong person. I could protect her from the world, but would I ever be able to protect her from herself?
I could give her the solace she needed, the security of an embrace telling her that she was in safe hands. And that's what I did. Oh I knew that if I'd take her home like this, there was going to be a lot more drama required than necessary. I didn't want to put her through that - not when she needed to come out of it herself and come to terms with everything. I knew that the whiplash awaited me if I took her home after dawn, but that was a risk I was willing to take. Oh yes, dawn was something I had to wait for.
Hours passed by in a matter of minutes as my thoughts let me wander the realms of nature abstractly, never once coming to a proper conclusion about anything. The only thing my eyes sought was the gradual change in the colour of the sky until I knew that it was time to do what had to be done. Gently stirring Ishaani awake, I smiled and let her separate from my embrace with grace. She looked disoriented, as though disbelieving of where she was for a few minutes before she looked at me groggily, her expression complex.
"Now listen to me very carefully - do you want to know why I love the black waters so much? This is why."
The two of us sat silently as the inky darkness of the night gently dissolved into lighter shades of blue by the passing minutes, a calm tranquility spreading across the air while the water now reflected the calm rush of the faded sky across the shore. Ishaani rested her shoulder upon my head as we both watched the procession that the sky put forth before the welcome of its star into our realm.
I pointed out at the horizon as the first rays of sunlight now broke through the horizon, scattering a blaze of yellow across the languid sky, the black waters suddenly cascaded with the beautiful glow of light, making it sparkle like glitter. The waters appeared a stronger shade of blue as the heavenly sky basked in the glory of the star, enhancing its hue until the blue could sustain. The clouds moved away slowly as it revealed the fading moon on the opposite end, promising to slip away with the last traces of the night as it gave birth to a new day.
Ishaani stared at me, transfixed, once nature's show came to an end. The waters glowed its supple colours as black faded away, leaving behind the pious beauty with a day more of surviving the night. The foam still sprayed across the shore, but with a playfulness that the darkness deprived; with a joy that only the dawn could bring.
"There can be no good without the bad, Ishaani-" I began, she listening to me in silence. I continued. "-no dawn without the night; no happiness without grief, and certainly no light without the dark. The waters aren't black, Ishaani. The night is. Life is a cycle - what goes around, comes around. The world doesn't need you today, but there'll be a time when it craves for you but you won't need it any longer. Nothing ever stays the same."
"But you-" she began, confusion evident upon her tired features, but I cut her.
"As to why I love black waters," I stated and she nodded at me, satisfied. "-it's because it teaches me that patience is a virtue that yields the sweetest of fruits. It's a despair-filled wait with negativity clawing at your from all ends, wondering whether your being even matters or not. What wouldn't you give to fade away in the wave of desperation, to just... flow away far, far away? But the black waters teach me to be patient, because it's only when light breaks through the dark do you realize what the dark has left you with - another lesson on how to survive."
"I don't like being this way," she said after some time, her tone sad.
"And you won't be. Just give it some time and let your pains fall free. Like you told me on my birthday, let go. Let it fall away," I replied, and she gave me a deep look.
"I'll try," she finally promised after some time, a faint smile upon her face now. I took her hand into my own and squeeze it reassuringly.
"Good. Now let me take you home. Everybody are worried sick about you and I'm dead serious," I stated just as a disbelieving look crosses upon her face. She didn't say anything, letting me hoist her up.
I slowly brought her up on her feet as her knees wobbled, the inactivity from the whole day finally showing its effect. I supported her till the car and drove the two of us home, hoping that maybe Baa would go a little easy on me. When we reached home, however, everybody pounced upon Ishaani like a horde. They pulled her into the tightest of hugs, reprimanding her and loving her at the same time, promising to never be angry at her or to hurt her ever again.
Nobody noticed me, and I was grateful about it.
I silently slipped away towards the servants' quarters as the fatigue from two days clouded upon all my senses and I crashed upon the bed in a deep sleep, letting the black waters of my sleep-filled abyss drown me into its enchanting world. I've just woken up and Baba informed me that everybody are asleep after last night's panic, worn out and exhausted. He also told me not to worry since Baa was not going to carry out her threat after all. Baba told me to meet everyone once they woke up because they wanted to thank me for bringing Ishaani home safely.
Ranveer capped the pen slowly, looking at the diary with a small smile plastered upon his face. Every single day was a learning experience for him - a new challenge to face, a new war to be waged, a new victory to be achieved from the battle. This was definitely the worst beginning to any year that he'd had.
Keeping the diary back from where he'd retrieved it, he quietly made his way upon the bed once again, yawning softly. It was two in the afternoon and everyone were still asleep. Maybe he could do with a couple of hours more. Letting his head fall upon the pillow tiredly, Ranveer let his mind wander upon his conversation with Ishaani once again, his mind instantly pausing upon one bit of it.
Oh, he hadn't told her the truth about why he loved the black waters really. It was because the black waters reminded him of himself. Just like with every dawn, the darkness knew how to fade away into oblivion until it was time for it to return. The darkness was what made the beauty of the dawn stronger.
And just like the black waters, he willingly slithered away into the shadows as she learnt a little more about life and came out of a phase as a stronger person, until it was time for him to envelop her and pull her out from the next one. The night was where the waters learnt the virtues of life; the dawn where it encompassed them. That's what he did too.
And that's where the beauty of the black waters lay.
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 54
Rihana, yearning to break free from the predetermined fate of being a tawaif's ...
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