Chapter 17
A/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update! :D :D
Happy Reading! :D :D
14th February, 2009:
Chirag said the sweetest thing today!
Well, he always says the sweetest things, but this one just topped it all today. Intrigued, already? Well don't worry, I'm getting to it.
So today, as you know, is Valentine's Day! Chirag and I had a pretty cozy celebration - the beach in the afternoon, following which we both freshened up a little before he took me out to dinner in the night. After that, we went for a long drive along the Marines that was as romantic as it could get with the weather and the songs upon the radio. Oh, it was just perfect tonight! Just like the way I've always wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day.
And you know what the best thing is?
I actually got to learn a new fact today! Chirag and I didn't first meet at the airport, but at my seventeenth birthday party! Can you believe it? Honestly, I think that was just the luckiest day of my life with Ranveer's surprise in the morning and then that gorgeous forest (whoa, how long has it been since I last went there?), and then this party and the dinner afterwards. And now I have another reason to cherish that day in particular! I'll tell you how I came to know about it.
The two of us were sitting by the beach in the afternoon, watching the wave after wave crash across the shore idly when Chirag initiated the conversation.
"So, how's the preparations for your exams going on?" he asked and I gave him a casual smile.
He'd been tutoring me for my exams but given all our distractions, he decided that it was best if I went back to self-studying. So far, the preparations were going pretty decent, even though it certainly wasn't my best. But well, it's still been going much better than my expectations so far.
"It's going great," I replied.
Chirag took my hand into his own, my engagement ring gleaming upon my finger in the bright glare of the afternoon sun. It was a very pleasant afternoon, one that I hadn't been guest to for a long, long time. I don't know, but ever since Ranveer's left for Sydney, the beach and the afternoons upon them haven't been the same anymore either. But I'm just happy that we had a good day out on the beach today.
Err, where was I? Oh yeah, sorry!
"And what's your plan after your graduation?" asked Chirag lightly, and I didn't know for a moment what he was really asking about.
My plans after the graduation were all that we've been discussing in these past two months! And so, I only cocked my eyebrow at him in question and he chuckled softly.
"Well, you wanted to pursue your MBA from Harvard only, right?" he asked, and I slapped my forehead. He was talking about my choice of university for the US.
"Harvard or Stanford. I'm okay with either," I replied confidently, and I noticed that his expression dipped suddenly. I was oddly reminded of a deja vu from some time ago, but I couldn't place it exactly.
"So you're firm on going to the US, then?" he asked me, and I couldn't help but feel a pit of guilt begin to surge in my heart.
I didn't like putting the two of us through this, but I cannot help it. I'd always made it clear to Chirag right from Day 1 that my education was my top priority and that I wouldn't have anything coming in between it, least of all a love affair.
"Ofcourse I am. But hey, listen if you-" I began, not sure why I was going to say what I was about to.
To cancel out on the US if Chirag was not okay with it. Maybe it was because I loved him and I knew what it'd do to him if I did really go away. No one knew it better than I how it felt when something like that happened with you. And I didn't really want to put him through all that trouble as well.
"What? Don't want you to go?" asked Chirag, looking puzzled at the hesitance that I'm sure must have crossed upon my face.
I shut my eyes, thinking about whether or not it was the wisest thing that I was about to do. And Ranveer's voice rung out of nowhere - always trust your heart.
"Yeah... I'll stay back, if you find four years too much," I replied, opening my eyes and looking at him with all the sincerity that I could muster. He looked taken aback with what I said before he turned his fullest attention towards me. He cupped both my cheeks protectively.
"Ishaani, every person is entitled to chase their dreams by listening to your heart. I love you and want to get married to you as soon as I can, but not at the cost of your dreams. I want you to become an independent woman," he emphasized, his eyes never once leaving my own.
In that moment, I couldn't have been more in love with him than I already was, but I think I did fall in love with him a little more.
"Maa and Papa still aren't sure about this, though. Papa feels that I can complete my MBA from Mumbai itself," I told him, breaking away my gaze from his own as I turned to look at the dazzling water.
This was indeed my most favourite time of the day upon the beach, and the light February heat along with its cool breeze made the beach all-the-more appealing.
"You know what? I'll talk to Uncle and Aunty about it," replied Chirag confidently and I smiled faintly.
"Chirag, no I-" I began to protest, but he cut out my speech by shaking his head.
"Ishaani, I trust you. And I know that you will achieve what you've set out to do in life. And you'll leave a mark upon this world because you're just that extraordinary. And that's why I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure that you do manage to go to the US for your MBA," he assured, his voice as strong and passionate as it'd always be when it came to anything got to do with my well-being.
I simply rested my head upon his shoulder, letting him take me into his embrace.
"And what about us?" I whispered in question after some time when neither of us refused to speak any further. Chirag looked down at me, his browns crunched.
"What about us?" he asked rather lamely and I rolled my eyes at him. Boys could get really daft at times.
"Four years apart..." I began, trailing off the moment I saw the realization creep into his eyes about what i was talking about.
He did look rather sheepish and awkward as though he was asked a very uncomfortable question. But when he replied, he took me by surprise.
"Who said so? If you want, I'll come along with you and settle in the US for four years," he suggested suddenly and that managed to make me sit up straight, as though zapped.
"What? No! What about your work here and your-" I began, but this time he didn't wait for me to complete what I was saying. He just cut through my own narrative.
"I'm more than well-qualified to get a job anywhere, Ishaani. I can easily get a job in the US," he boasted and all I could do was give him an uncertain look.
Say what he would about liking the US more than India, but again having to relocate and get re-adjusted to the American culture just for me was a big, big sacrifice on his behalf. I know that he loves me enough to make that sacrifice for me, but then again so do I. And that's why I can't let him do it either.
"You'd do that for me?" I asked him in spite of what was going on in my mind, unable to keep the awe and admiration away from my tone.
How could I, really, when he was willing to sacrifice it all for me?
"Obviously. I love you and I care for you. Your dreams matter the most to me, so if this is what it takes for you to go to US, so be it. I'm in," he added strongly as though warning me off against no arguments on the topic whatsoever.
I knew that talking any further would make no sense because once he's made up his mind, it's done for good. Typical Leo. As stubborn as I am, if not more when he gets into those rebellious phases. But well, since I know all that, I decided to take a more practical approach on the topic.
"What about our marriage?" I asked him, and he tapped his finger upon his cheek, as though thinking about my question too hard.
"I'm in no hurry whatsoever. I'm just twenty-four right now. Who's running away?" he asked, and both of us laughed.
"You could reach forty as well till I really decide to marry you," I teased, and the two of us laughed some more. The thought of a forty-year old Chirag was somehow too funny to think about. But the moment we sobered down, he took my hand into his own once again and caressed it.
"As long as I'm taking those saath pheres with you, I don't have a care in the world whether its now or ten years down the line," he confessed, and all I could do was shake my head at him.
He really doesn't know what he was talking about. Even I didn't when I made all those tall promises to Ranveer. I fell flat upon my face the moment he left and since then its only been a struggle everyday to hold myself. And if this was just the case with Ranveer, imagine the agony I and Chirag will both have to go through away from each other.
"You don't know what you're talking about," I spoke in a small voice and the grip of his hand upon mine only grew stronger just as the sun began gaining some power of its own, blazing even stronger.
"Trust me, I do," he replied with surety and I sighed.
There could be nothing better if Chirag could actually manage to do everything that he just told me. But then again, life had always taught me to be ready for shocks and unpleasant surprises because my life in particular was never meant to be so pleasant for things to work in my favour. I had Ranveer back then who made sure that everything did fall into accordance with what I wanted.
And now I have Chirag, and maybe that's my silver living.
"What if you get a better opportunity elsewhere or if your Dad makes you an offer you cannot refuse?" I asked him the moment this thought crossed my mind, that was just a couple of minutes down the line. He gave my question a good thought, the longest he did this whole afternoon before he finally arrived upon an answer.
"Ishaani, you cannot get everything in life. You have to sacrifice. And I'm not going to let you sacrifice your career for me just because you're a woman. No, I'll certainly never let that happen. So if I have to sacrifice better job prospects and my own father's proposals for your education, so be it," he replied with a finality in his voice, his eyes never wavering from upon my own ones.
His eyes bled a love I couldn't fathom, because the intensity with which he stared at me every time during moments like these just... ensnared my senses.
"I love you," was all that I could tell him as I gently got upon my knees and kissed him upon his cheek.
"I love you more," he replied back as he kissed my forehead, before pulling me up upon my feet along with him and giving me a tight hug. Both of us remained like that for some time before we separated, making our way towards the car.
"You're just the same like you were during your birthday party back when you were seventeen."
"What?"
"We met for the first time not at the airport, but at your seventeenth birthday party. I even danced with you. In fact I was the only guy that you agreed to dance with," he added and I was suddenly taken back to my seventeenth birthday and to the mystery boy I'd danced with. Whose name I hadn't caught on to.
I hardly remembered anything about the boy who I danced with, but the fact that it was none other than Chirag was something that just blew my mind apart! Something that had happened four years ago... If only I'd known back then...
"Why didn't you ever tell me about this before?" I asked him as we almost reached the car, both of us too lost in thought about the first time that we actually met.
God, I really feel so stupid not remembering or knowing about it at all!
"I'd just come on a break before my exams. It was my first year MBA. I knew that you didn't remember and I just..." he trailed off, looking slightly flabbergasted. I instantly understood what it must be about.
"You didn't want to face the disappointment of the fact that I wouldn't remember you perhaps?" I questioned, and he flushed even more in response before actually speaking out.
"Sort of, yes... I really, really liked you back then. On first sight. But I was sure that you were so oblivious to my presence given how you and Ranveer just seemed to have a different equation going on that night..." he replied, giving me a sheepish look.
Oddly enough, all that I could remember about that night was that song where Ranveer and I had that electrifying eye contact during. I blushed slightly thinking about how everything just turned out to be in the end. If anyone would have told me four years ago that I'd be meeting the man of my dreams at my own birthday party, I'd have laughed at him. And maybe perhaps I did when Ranveer tried to mention something like that. But who knew it'd actually be true? Life and its curious ways...
"I guess we were meant to be, eh?" I asked Chirag as we reached the car now.
He opened the door and held it for me.
"I guess so, yeah," I replied with a nonchalant shrug as I took my seat in the car. He walked towards the driver's seat and took his position as well. Both of us looked at each other and sighed serenely.
"You should have told me about this," I exclaimed, more to myself than to him but he heard me anyway.
"Life is full of surprises... if you know them all, what's there to look forward to?" he remarked as he brought the car to life, driving away towards my house to drop me before we could move over to the second phase of our date scheduled for later that evening at the Fountain.
The two of us gifted each other a watch and a perfume - I got a watch, he got a perfume. Both of our favourites. But the gifts hardly mattered when we had each other to cherish, along with our love to celebrate on a day whose importance I understand a little better now than from before.
Chirag's always the one with gestures and the big moves and I'll never forget the day he proposed to me just on the eve of my birthday. Upon the beach at night amidst the sea and the heavenly sky. And then there was tonight that was as simple as it could be, and yet I couldn't have been in more awe of those little moments that we shared in between us tonight.
Life really has strange ways of teaching lessons and giving surprises.
-x-
23rd February, 2009:
'You'll never find yourself alone, Ishaani. Whenever you need me, I'm always going to be beside you even before you can call out my name in your darkest hours of need.'
That's what Chirag told me today when he found me in the store room today, crying. Well, it was obvious that I'd be there since I've chucked away the habit of running away from home whenever I'm upset. So it's only the storeroom for me now since Ranveer's room I just can't bring myself up to to go and hide in. The memories are too strong for me still, and especially at a time when I'm in one of these phases where I don't know what's happening to me.
Nothing per se happened at home right now to rattle me up so much. Well ever since Gauri di's marriage, Baa has made sure to not cross my path again at all, and I'm happy that she's been taking this seriously so far because it's nothing but the biggest relief for me. Maa and Papa have never been happier although Papa again has his own share of worries, and something more along the line that he won't tell me about. Things between Disha and myself have been pretty much tame as well since we're getting more time to spend together. She may be really snobbish at times, but she's okay otherwise.
Chirag and I have been great as well. More dates, more new ways of getting up with even more mind-boggling gifts and messages in the morning and more quality time together in between study sessions. Our disagreements have definitely become lesser, thankfully and I'm making a conscious effort to not bring up Ranveer's name between us at all whenever it crosses my mind. And I think we both appreciate the improvement it's brought about in our equation already.
But that's precisely my problem - Ranveer!
It's like he's just fallen off from the face of the Earth! It's been four months now and I haven't heard from him! Four months! He hasn't called for my birthday, doesn't have any letters showing up or any emails and not even a single goddamn phone call! Do you even know how it makes me feel? Do you even know how worried I am!? Papa tells me that he's probably all right and busy with his studies and work, but even that's a thin excuse right now!
I mean, this is just not like Ranveer to not keep in touch with me! What now, is he so busy that he can't even spare his best friend a single minute? I have my exams on head and that's why I can't fly down to Sydney, or else that's the first thing I'd have done, especially after this current stint that he's been pulling off! And I'm just torn between being terribly mad at him and for being worried-out-of-my-mind sick about him!
I bet he doesn't even give a damn about what I'm going through right now, the moron that he is!
This is precisely why I've been so low from the last two months! Not for anything else, but because I'm just so angry and disappointed and mad at him for acting like a f**king two-year old child! I expected better from him than this! But no, he just wants to remain invisible! Even Uncle and Aunty haven't heard from him in ages and I've been calling them up every week in spite of them telling me that they'd let me know if Ranveer gave them a call.
Is this really why I sent him to Sydney? To do crap like this?
And today, I just reached a whole new peak of worry about Ranveer because I had a stupid dream about him being very badly hurt and in dire need of help and no one was there to help him. And when I woke up, I just didn't know what to do with myself anymore so I did the first thing that crossed my mind - went to the store room and cried my eyes out, as much as I could to ease the pain and the forebodings. All of my paintings on Ranveer are in the store room right now and I was hoping that it'd make me feel better seeing them. On the contrary, I got even more rattled and messed up.
And that's when Chirag stepped in.
"Still hasn't called?" he asked worriedly and I shook my head.
"No, and I- I don't know what's wrong! Why isn't he calling me?" I half sobbed and half yelled out to him as I banged my fists upon my own thighs in chagrin.
Chirag wiped away the tears from upon my face.
"Darling, he will call you. You need to relax-" he began and I'm afraid I exploded rather frightfully at him.
"I CAN'T RELAX ANYMORE!" was I think what I yelled at him and even he looked a little startled with my outburst.
The worst thing was that I didn't even feel sorry about it. Before he could say anything, I continued with the same outrage.
"I've been waiting for two months! Two months!"
"I know that you're upset and hurt, but-" he began, but I didn't bother to let him complete.
"But what? What have I done, Chirag? Have I hurt him? Have I upset him? Is he angry with me? Is that why he won't talk with me? But if he's mad at me, why won't he talk to anyone else? What have they done? Just anyone... Just let him talk to anyone once and let them know that he's alright and alive-" I exclaimed, and now that I think about it, I did sound really mental.
Maybe that's why Chirag had to shake my shoulders that roughly to snap me out of the demented paranoia that I was bringing upon myself in that moment.
"Ishaani, get a hold upon yourself! He's perfectly alright and you're just overreacting!" he shrieked, and somehow his voice just cut across the haze of the moment, leaving me just tired. Of everything.
"I- you- I... I can't do this anymore," I stuttered as I let my head fall into his arms tiredly. He pulled me into a tighter embrace instinctively, rubbing circles upon my back and wiping away my tears simultaneously as I weeped upon his shoulder openly.
"Hey, shh. Come here. You'll never find yourself alone, Ishaani. Whenever you need me, I'm always going to be beside you even before you can call out my name in your darkest hours of need. Okay?" he asked in an attempt to comfort me and I just clung on to him harder, the dream still flashing across my mind. It wasn't my usual nightmare associated with Ranveer, but then again I didn't like this dream any better.
"The dream was just so stupid-" I began, but he saved me the energy of putting any more thoughts into words.
"Hey, I know. These things happen. Now calm down, and have some water. And after that, some ice-cream. I brought you some," he added as he pointed towards the bowl of ice-cream that magically just sat beside me.
"How did you-" I began in surprise, wondering how he knew about my mood when nobody else in the house did.
"I know. I love you, and I can sense your distress no matter how far I am. I know," he replied, understanding what my question was instantly.
And I could not help but smile in spite of myself. Honestly, how he even managed to do things like that really beat me.
"What would I do without you?" I asked weakly as he now wiped away the remnants of the tear tracks from upon my face.
"Ranveer may not be here for you in your time of need, so you'll have to work it out with me now," he replied, and I couldn't help but note the bitterness in his voice. I looked up from my pit of despair and caught the anger that flickered in his eyes suddenly.
"I just wish that he'd talk to me, you know?" I spoke in a small voice, wondering what exactly was going on in Chirag's mind.
He abruptly stood up and turned his back towards me and I noticed how his shoulders sagged the moment he put his face into his palm.
"I sometimes feel really bad for you, you know? You care about him so much and worry so much for him and he doesn't even give a damn enough to give you a call and ask you how you are doing or to atleast let you know that he's alright. Some friend," he whispered, more to himself than to me but I caught on to every single word that he said anyway.
And try as I might, I couldn't even get myself to feel angry upon Chirag this time because my own disappointment and anger with Ranveer was paramount.
"Chirag, he-" I began halfheartedly, but he turned around and raised his hand as a cue for me to remain silent. I did.
"Please, Ishaani. You've been defending him for so long, and I can see how much of it he's living up to. Had I been in his place, I'd have never put you in a position like that in the first place, no matter what," he emphasized and I zipped my lips.
"I don't know, I-" I began hesitantly, thinking suddenly whether what Chirag was saying was true or whether he was just plain angry upon Ranveer for being the cause of my unhappiness.
I think he read through my silence because the next moment, he sat down upon his knees again and brought forth the bowl in front of me.
"Never mind, leave it. Here, have some water and ice-cream. Butter-scotch," he added happily and I set the bowl aside. He looked confused before I put my arms around his neck slowly.
"Before that, um, can I get a hug?" I asked, biting my lip softly in an attempt to control myself from not running out of the room in the embarrassment of my outburst.
I was still a little shy about these kind of outbursts with Chirag because... well, you know how I hate it to show others a glimpse of my vulnerability. And somehow, I didn't like Chirag seeing that side of me at all.
"All you had to do was ask," was all he told me before he pulled me into a hug again.
The silence the followed said the rest between us.
-x-
8th March, 2009:
OH. MY. GOD.
You won't believe what's just happened! Ranveer! Ranveer called Papa today! And told him that he'll be coming to Mumbai on the 10th of this month! That's in five days!
OH. MY. GOD.
And to think I was going to be the one who was supposed to give him a surprise in May! Wow! That guy... Papa tells me that he's already submitted the final thesis paper required for his masters two months ago and he hasn't been in contact because he was mugged and he lost in phone in that, along with our numbers. And the landline number was the only one he remembered but since we got that changed as well... it was all a chaos. And I think our letters haven't reached each other because he's sent me six, he says, along with a dozen emails, but I haven't received any!
And to think I was so mad at him unnecessarily and thought a whole lot of crap about why he was out of touch!
But anyway, whatever it is, I'm just so, so, so out of my mind happy right now! Five days! Ranveer will be here in five days! Can you believe it? I thought that I'd have to go another two months without seeing or speaking to him, but I was wrong! Five days, and he'll be here! Back home! Back to us... back to me! Oh, I've been so excited the whole morning that Papa and Maa have both been amused, especially since I've not even been this excited on the day of my engagement as much as I was when Papa told me this morning about Ranveer.
And how can I not be excited when there's so much to tell him!? And the first thing being that I found my perfect guy in Chirag and that I'm engaged to him! Papa hasn't told Ranveer about it yet because well... since Ranveer was coming here anyway in five days, Papa must have figured to keep it a surprise only. To be honest, I can't wait to see the look on his face when I tell him about it! He's definitely going to be blown out of his mind, ofcourse!
Oh, I so wanted to have that painting up and ready, but I don't know... It's just not working out for me right now. But atleast I've got the other twenty-eight paintings in hand to show him! I actually wanted to arrange them in sequence as the wallpaper of his bedroom back at the servant's quarters but it's all too soon! I guess I'll show it to him when he comes over here and have the wallpapering done by the time he comes back from Sydney. Although I don't think that I'll be here since I'll be going to the US for my MBA, but atleast whenever he comes back, he'll find his surprise.
Thankfully, Chirag will be there with me so Ranveer won't have to bother accompanying me to the US anymore. And neither will he have to bother breaking his own flow of his job and life in Sydney just for me. His career has always been the most important thing for him and I'm glad that I'm not going to be his obstacle anymore. Like Chirag said, priorities in life are very, very important and hence I've decided to prioritize my life as well. Ranveer was not the only one who set out to accomplish him dreams and his ambitions.
We'd set out together, and I let him walk over my back and break it to complete his dreams. So it was about time that I stood up and walked towards my own. Chirag will be there with me and honestly, what more do I need, really? Chirag's always been there during my time of need and he's ready to relocate as well just so that my education is not affected in any way. And he's even ready to push away the thoughts of our marriage just for my education.
How can I not love him and appreciate him more after all this?
Atleast I know that Chirag will never bail out on me at my time of need. Or when I'm at my most vulnerable because he understands my pains and my requirements. It's not that Ranveer bailed out on me, but I guess what Chirag said that day was true to a certain extent too. I mean, Chirag and I may have had our disagreements at first upon Ranveer when we spoke about my sacrifice post our confessions stage, but Chirag is all praises for him as well. He just isn't emotionally biased and blinded like me, I guess, and prefers speaking things on face value.
'I don't blame him, but how can his dreams be more important than you, Ishaani? I could never, ever do that,' was what Chirag had told me when we were talking about me going to the US to study.
And well, I'd told him to shut up for the second time in these two months and he did. But there was that same sympathetic smile upon his face even though he'd changed the topic, and the moment he left it was all I could think about.
Why did it always sting me so much whenever he'd say this? Was it because somewhere deep down, I knew that it was true? Could it be that maybe because somewhere deep down Ranveer's prioritizing his career over my own emotional needs hurt me in a way that I haven't been able to recover from till date? But then again, he's my best friend! He's sacrificed so much for me also, no? Then why is this one sacrifice weighing me down so much? And Ranveer and I did have to separate at some point of time or the other the moment we grew up. He isn't my personal gym bag or something.
And yet... it keeps weighing down upon my heart so much every now and then that I cannot understand what to do with myself anymore. There are times when the void is filled up and I'm happy with how perfect my life has been in this one year sans a few things here and there. But there are these other times when I just lapse into these low phases that I cannot understand its origination from. They suck me down into a vortex of darkness that I do not like, and the vulnerabilities that it awakens during its visits only tend to intensify with every time.
And these past two months have been the same thing - more and more thoughts along the line of the sacrifice I made, and it's brought me back to square one. The same square that I've set out from since October 2007. It's been a year and a half now and I don't know why I keep going in circles about the same thing. It's not as though Ranveer doesn't give a damn about me. Goodness knows how much he cares for me and how much he's done for me! But then I see all the efforts that Chirag keep taking for me and I... I don't know.
I just hope these five days fly by because I think I might finally be close to getting a lot of answers that I've been aimlessly searching for since a year and a half now. And leaving all things aside, I'm really, really excited about Ranveer coming back to Mumbai because well... my best friend's going to be back home! I'm tired of trying to find my solace with the wind chimes that he's gifted me. It blows every time the wind passes through them, singing a lament rather than a free-verse of memories through them.
No, I'm done trying to find my best friend through his memories, his gifts and in my heart. I want him here and flesh and blood and I want him to set me right. This is his mess, what I've become right now. And so he's going to be the one to sort me out properly and make me go back to the way I used to be! Okay, I don't know what that's supposed to mean now, but I don't want to be damaged goods for Chirag. I want to give him my best and my 100% in this relationship, because he deserves it. We deserve it. And above all, I deserve to be happy as well!
So well, the clock is ticking. Five days to go till everything changes again and goes back to the way it used to be. Or not. Maybe it might just lead us towards a different path altogether. For the better or for the worse, I don't know. But if I know anything, it's that I want this to happen. I want Ranveer back. I'll give him a good piece of my mind and be mad and happy and blurt all about Chirag afterwards. But the first thing I want to do is to throw myself into his arms. I've been yearning to do that since ages.
Just five more days to go now.Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 96
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