3. Clarity
Payal sat still, counting every minute. She breathed to calm her senses, get a grip on reality but for once she wanted to crash and cry. Pour her heart out. Be the unreasonable, emotional one. Yet she couldn’t afford to.
Because she had no shoulder to cry on. Nani’s quiet blessing, Bua-ji’s smile of assurance - all came when the news of her pregnancy broke. Somehow, her news made their day.
It was the silver lining of their clouds. Their worries for her stemmed from the child in her stomach, not for her sister in the ICU.
Payaliya, you have to take care of yourself, you can’t worry yourself sick.
Your tension will negatively affect your child.
You’re responsible for two lives.
Three.
She couldn’t stop feeling responsible for Khushi’s life. The city of Delhi seemed strange and cold when her sister had moved from one job to another, biting her humiliation with a smile to provide for the family.
Their Bua-ji had smiled, regarding Khushi with pride for taking the city as her own. But Payal laid awake night after night, growing further spite for the city that demanded so much from her baby sister.
She hadn’t been able to fall in love with the city.
Just with a man from there.
And today, she was reminded how alone she was. With no sister by her side, nor any love for the man who made this place her home.
She and her sister were alone.
Perhaps they always were.
—
After several grueling hours, Khushi stabilized. Payal sat by her side, stroking Khushi’s head with the aching tenderness of a mother. Arnav rested on the couch, nearly dropping off to sleep. Akash and the rest of the family waited outside.
Khushi’s heart monitor beeped, in little echoes.
“It’s time for you to wake up Chutki,” Payal whispered. Grasping Khushi’s frail hand, Payal placed it on her stomach.
“You’re going to be a maasi.”
Arnav snapped out his fatigue, surprised at the news. Payal finally allowed herself to feel the joy of a new child settle in. And she broke down, clutching Khushi’s hand tighter.
“Please wake up,” She begged, hunched over the bed, shoulders shaking. Pressing soft kisses to her hand, Payal drew all the strength and comfort from an unconscious Khushi. She could imagine her sister jump in joy, planning on spoiling the child in utmost detail.
“Kuch toh bol Khushi,” Payal sniffled, caressing Khushi’s cheek.
A gentle tap on her shoulder, a white handkerchief. Payal froze, proprietary kicking in an instant.
“Thank-” She froze midway. There was a wall of ice between them. His yells were loud enough to travel through walls.
Arnav couldn’t bring himself to congratulate Payal. Not when the woman who would happiest at the news lay motionless in a bed. Arnav sat on the other side of the bed, caressing Khushi’s fingertips.
“We wanted to tell the family about the truth. But we were afraid.” Payal confessed.
“I understand.” Arnav did. In the five months of being married to Khushi, he was unable to tell the truth to his family either. The idea of preservation was so tempting that it had physically hurt him to break Anjali’s bubble. Shyam’s deception had burned into his skin like poison, but his sister - happy and smiling - made up for all the hurt.
He had bought time and did nothing.
Payal wished she had been a bit less in love with Akash, then she wouldn’t have succumbed to her family’s pressure of hiding the truth from the Raizadas.
And now that their lives had fallen apart like a pyramid of cards, she was left with nothing but regret and bitterness.
It was fair for the family to be angry with them for hiding the truth.
But blaming Anjali’s health on them?
A knock interrupted her thoughts. Manorama stood on the other side of the door.
She was not welcome.
“Is Phati-”
“Khushi is fine,” Payal addressed her mother-in-law without looking at her. Manorama gasped at Payal’s hidden anger and turned away, crying. She knew she was guilty of mistreating Khushi, she just didn’t want to confront that. Not now.
“Payal,” Payal stiffened at her husband’s voice.
She approached the door, her anger placated at his confusion. It was a big day for him. They were going to be parents.
“Akash-”
“Why did you speak to maa like that?” Her barely-there smile slipped off her face.
Of course.
Arnav kept the papers down, surprised at the edge in Akash’s tone. Akash realized his mistake a bit late, especially when he saw Khushi lying still in the bed behind, numerous tubes fitted in her.
He had been so used to superficially balancing relationships that he barely noticed the undercurrents and fractures.
Arnav itched to go to Akash and Payal, talk about their obvious strain in the marriage, but he knew better. Wasn’t it ironic that everything was tied to Akash and Payal’s marriage? Khushi was afraid to tell the truth because of its impact. Arnav threatened her with their marriage. Khushi married him for the sake of it.
And today, Akash and Payal stood on two sides of the door, a valley of miscommunication and hurt between them.
Once again Arnav was at a crossroads on repairing a situation where no one was completely wrong.
A gentle reminder that he was anything but God.
Akash touched Payal’s wrist, a small contact of affection and reassurance, and tried to enter the hospital cabin.
“What happened, where are you going?” Payal stood in the way.
“Woh, just to check on Khushi-”
“-and do you even know who has been suffering since this morning?” Akash bristled at her tone, “Have you seen Arnav ji’s state?”
At this Arnav had to stand up and interfere.
“Payal, I’m completely fine.” Arnav clarified.
“I know Arnav ji, but-” Payal removed Akash’s hand from her wrist, “Akash, you’re just Khushi’s brother in law, not her brother. Your duties as a son and a brother outweighs those of a damaad.” Akash blanched. He finally knew where Payal was coming from.
Payal, do you even remember that you’re the Raizada’s bahu? Do you even care about Di?
Arnav was confused, but one look at Payal’s bitter smile disclosed that he had intruded on something very private. With a soft ‘excuse me’ that neither heard, Arnav stepped out to give them their privacy.
“Payal I didn’t mean that. Khushi means just as much,”
“I know Akash. Don’t worry. You don’t even have to apologize. As you said, I only care about my family. So I’m doing that. You should go and look at your family-”
“Payal it’s our family. Humara.” Akash cut in, tired from the loop of their arguments.
“There’s no hum, no us. Even now there’s just you and me. If- Di?” Payal stopped, brushing her tears in practiced modesty. In a language couples knew, Akash stepped back and put on an air of calm. They couldn’t expose their marital fights to the family.
So they wore their cracked masks of concern and gentility.
“Di, what are you doing here? Are you ok?” Akash asked, his arm extending to Anjali’s shoulder for support. Instantly, Payal reached out for Anjali’s hand. In a matter of days, the woman seemed to have aged years.
“Akash, Payal ji, I’m fine. I…” Anjali choked as she tried to find words. Her heart had come to a stop on hearing about Khushi. The woman she had come to care for as her own.
“DI!” Arnav jogged up to Anjali, hesitant as she tried to enter the room. Akash picked up on his brother’s worry without prodding.
“Di, Khushi ji is still… it’s better if you don’t see her now.” Akash began to guide Anjali out of the room.
“Yeah Di, let’s go home. I’ll let you know when Khushi’s a bit better.” Arnav said.
“Nahi,” Anjali shrugged her arms out of her siblings’ grip. They treated her like a fragile china doll. But for once she wanted to break. She wanted to see the ugly side of things. She wanted to see the truth.
For once she wanted to fall. To feel the pain rush through her so much that no more would come her way.
“Di?” Arnav, Akash and Payal murmured.
“Please Chottey, let me see Khushi.” Anjali asked.
“But Di, yesterday-” Akash was frightened, Anjali’s abortion attempt fresh in his mind.
“Whatever happened, happened.” Anjali heaved. She looked around and wondered if she had proven to be so weak that her family feared for her more than the woman who was on her deathbed.
“Do you really want to see Khushi?” Payal asked. Anjali nodded. Unheeding Arnav and Akash’s quiet but frantic protests, Payal stepped back and opened the cabin for Anjali.
“Payal, why did you-” Arnav began, worried for Anjali’s health.
“Because it’s what she wanted jeth ji. And Di is my sister. This is the least I could do for her.” Payal said and closed the door on Akash and Arnav’s faces.
Anjali gripped Khushi’s pale hand. Her heart, if any of it was left, broke at Khushi’s and Payal’s state.
“Payal ji?” Anjali beckoned Payal towards her.
And for the first time in the day, someone brushed a gentle hand against Payal’s cheek. In a mere second, Payal broke down and hugged Anjali, sobbing her fears and griefs in the older woman’s arms.
“I’m so sorry Di, we should’ve told you everything.” Payal confessed.
Anjali broke the hug.
“Then tell me, how did you both even meet him?”
In a few words, Payal described all the events in detail. To her credit, it was as unbiased as it could be. Anjali heard the account patiently, without interrupting - her silent questions answered with pieces from Payal’s story.
In the end, Payal apologized, again. Anjali dismissed it.
“Tell me Payal ji, chupane se kya farak pada?” Anjali asked.
“I don’t know if I can forgive you,” She said, “but, I understand what you both did and why.” Payal nearly crumpled on the floor in relief.
“True, I believed Sh-him for a moment. That Khushi chased him, your family trapped him but at the end of the day, that story made no sense. And I had my suspicions,” Anjali sighed, remembering the sudden relatives, clients who’d always ask Shyam for money in front of her, his long trips to cities despite some concerned friends spotting him around Delhi.
But the truth was beyond her nightmares.
“I’m… sorry Di. We truly are.” Payal whispered, clutching Anjali’s hand.
“Just promise to not hide anything.” Anjali asked. Payal nodded, grateful for Anjali’s friendship.
Arnav and Akash stared at the three women through the glass panel on the door, wondering if they had ever understood any of them.
—
A day later Arnav sat by the bed, his back stiff and shirt wrinkled from spending the night sitting by Khushi’s side. He had not slept a wink.
“Chai” Payal held out a steaming cup of tea towards him.
“Thank you but I don’t take su-”
“-sugar. I know. Khushi has told me about it at least fifty times.” Arnav took the paper cup, grateful for it. Payal sat on the other side of the bed, gently fixing Khushi’s hair and blanket.
“Jeth-ji, what had happened?” Payal asked.
“Shyam manipulated my will to have all my properties and assets in his name. He kidnapped me on my way to London but Khushi figured out something was wrong and she rescued me. In more ways than one.” Arnav caressed Khushi’s wrist. There was a point during the kidnapping when he had feared he would never come home.
And somehow, home found him.
“We’re sorry Arnav ji, we had no idea he would turn to this… if it makes any difference, I promise that I won’t hide anything.” Payal promised. She had known, deep in her instincts, that hiding Shyam’s truth would bite them. Arnav gave her a soft, tired smile and acknowledged the promise.
The could’ve, should’ve, would’ve floated in the air. Decisions seem clear after the consequences have been laid out after the time for deciding has passed.
“And since we’re talking about being honest… what happened-” Arnav frowned, “on the night of your wedding?” Payal asked, her quiet fears coming true as Arnav paled.
“There was a misunderstanding but… uss baat ka koi farak nahi padta.” (that no longer matters) Arnav admitted. His words barely above a whisper.
“Koi farak nahi padta?” (truly, it does not?) Payal asked. Arnav looked away, refusing to answer.
“I am her sister, I deserve an answer.” Payal teared up. Arnav didn’t meet Payal’s eyes but in the fewest words possible, finally divulged the truth of his marriage to Khushi. Despite her bravado, Payal’s knees nearly buckled and she gripped the bed frame for support.
“Payal!” Arnav shot to hold her but Payal dismissed him. She dabbed her tears with the edge of her pallu and sighed.
“I’m sorry,” this time Payal refused to look at him.
She wanted to yell, scream, tear his hair off his scalp yet… Payal didn’t know how to react to him. A part of her berated herself, and her amma. It was their fault. Their selfishness cost Khushi her love, marriage, destiny.
How could she blame a stranger when her own made all the wrong decisions?
“As a bhabhi I can attempt to understand you but as a sister…” Payal trailed off, biting her words - for Khushi’s sake. Hadn’t this always happened?
Everyone made decisions for Khushi. Amma decided Khushi shouldn’t say the truth. Arnav decided to force Khushi into a farce of a marriage.
No more.
As much as her palms itched to drag her sister far away from this man, she would wait for Khushi to come back to her and speak what she wanted.
“Payal I’m so sorry,” Payal heard his anguished apology.
“I am not the person you should be saying sorry for-” Payal choked.
“And why… why was it so easy to believe the worst of her? You have more respect for me, our father than the one woman you claim to love. Kyun?” Arnav had no answers. He had never known when he had crossed the boundary of haq to lack of boundaries and respect. More than often he misused his right to the deepest corners of her mind to the ability to hurt her the most.
Arnav swallowed a gulp, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“I-”
“-And you must be realizing this because there’s a very real chance we’ll lose Khushi forever, haina? Because God knows I forgot I had a sister until now.” Payal broke down. In the few months post-marriage Payal had been forced to choose the Raizadas above her sister, time and again.
First out of shame because Khushi had eloped. Then because it was what good women did - care for their sasuraal first. Lastly, she was used to Khushi becoming the second choice in her life because in Khushi’s life she prided on being the first.
Wiping her tears away, she stood up and decided to leave the room for now.
“Khushi, please wake up.” She heard his soft sobs.
“Ab isse koi farak nahi padne waala,” (These [your pleas/apology] no longer matter) She said. Arnav remained still, refusing to believe the truth in her words.
Payal left, she had no heart in her to forgive herself nor him.
– – –
Arnav crouched towards Khushi, whispering words of anger and apology.
Angry because she couldn’t leave him. Even if she had to punish him, hate him, yell at him - she had to be alive. Not for him, despite him. Khushi Kumari Gupta’s life could not be summarized into the journey of a woman who lost love, marriage, and life.
She was too young for her story to be incomplete.
Over time his orders reduced to begging, his tears dried to long stares.
He made silent promises, confessions, and deals.
But nothing made a difference. Just like Payal said.
She didn’t wake up.
– – –
After a point Arnav finally fell asleep, his thoughts silent.
There were no more pleas, promises, nor words of love whispered to her ears.
That’s when the frail palm underneath his moved a fraction.
– – –
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