Chapter 33

Khushi woke up feeling very tired the next morning. As she rolled around the bed feeling lethargic, she wondered whether it's very early in the day & she had woken up to some sound or something, & maybe that's why she was feeling so restless, as her sleep was disturbed. She reached with a sluggish hand towards her cell phone so that she could check the time, & she sat bolt upright as she saw the time was 11.53am! It was practically noon, & no one bothered to wake her up?

Khushi switched her phone off as she noticed with irritation some missed calls from La & getting off the bed, hurried inside the washroom to freshen up & go downstairs as soon as she could. After coming out of the washroom, she hurriedly tidied up her room as Amma didn't like it if Payal or she left their rooms too messed up in the morning. Then as she was done, she ran through the landing to the kitchen downstairs, as that's where she figured the ladies of the house would be.

As soon as she entered the kitchen, the tinkling of her payals announced her arrival, & as she saw Garima turn towards her, she fully expected a scolding from her for sleeping in till noon. But when Garima opened her mouth, she proved Khushi to be sourly wrong, as she looked Khushi apprehensively & said to Payal in an anxious voice, "Payalia, she's up! Go tell your Bauji & Bhaiya. Khus- I mean, Bitiya, what will like to have for breakfast?" & just like that Khushi was crashed back to earth, as she remembered everything from yesterday so abruptly as if a bucket of ice-cold water was suddenly doused over her head.

Khushi gulped down every excited query & suggestions she had thought of announcing to everyone about the wedding preparations, & meekly sat down at the kitchen table & as soon as she looked up, she saw Buaji looking at her with nervous eyes from across the table. Not knowing how to look away & what to say, Khushi just nodded politely to Madhumati, which was a gesture that she had never done. Madhumai's eyes rounded for a moment, & then she smiled extra brightly & started nodding her head so frequently & so vigorously, that Khushi thought at any moment she would see Buaji's head rolling on the kitchen floor.

But as she saw Madhumati's jolly expression, Khushi had an idea. Politeness worked here! Obviously she couldn't anymore be their youngest, darling, spoiled daughter, because, she wasn't their youngest, darling daughter. She was someone they had taken in showing a greatness of heart that was rare to find, & the least she could do was repay that great generosity, even if she had never behaved as a polite, courteous girl for once in her life. These people deserved at least this much respect from her for all they had done for her.

Khushi smiled weakly at Garima & said in a restrained voice, "Um' I will just have some tea' & I can make it myself' You don't have to." Then she stood up hesitantly & after a brief pause, went towards the stove & started making a cup of tea for herself after asking Madhumati if she wanted some too.

A few minutes later, still standing over the side of the stove, Khushi felt Garima come & stand behind her. She waited with bated breath, until she heard Garima ask in a timid voice, "Bitiya, do you want to talk? How do you feel about all we told you about your Amma &-" She stopped abruptly, choking on the next words. But Khushi was glad that she had her back to Garima, so Garima couldn't see the pain in her vulnerable eyes, & the way her hand clutched at the scalding hot handle of the tea kettle. The woman she considered to be her Amma was asking her about how she felt about the murder of her Amma?! Khushi gulped at the lumps forming at her throat, & brought her defense mechanism to the fore, "No, I won't like to talk about it. Any of it. But thanks for asking."

& that's how she went through one of the longest days of her life. Everyone behaved very carefully with her as id she was something fragile & had to be handled with care, & she returned their cautious behavior with her own polite one. By the afternoon, she got so exhausted of this all that she really started feeling subdued & she quietly let everyone's care shower over her without thinking or feeling anything about anything. She felt like a block of log, neither taking anything in, nor letting anything out.

That's why when she sat up hastily on her bed when after a brief knock Payal entered her room in the evening, leading Nani, Anjali who had come to meet her & Amma & Buaji hovering uncertainly behind them, Khushi was already well into a state of numb restraint. When Nani inquired about her well-being, she answered her politely, not being as enthusiastic as she normally was in her interactions with the affectionate older woman. Then after a while, when the stilted conversation got too much for her, she slowly got down from the bed, & excused herself saying she'd see if Payal needed any help while preparing refreshments for them all.

But as soon as she was out of her room, she didn't even go towards the way the staircase went downstairs. Instead, she took the entire opposite route & went up the stairs to the roof which she knew would offer her what she craved most right then. Seclusion.

Meanwhile back in the room, Nani was marveling at how well Khushi seemed to have taken it all & she told Garima to not make herself more restless by thinking about it all. What Nani & Garima both had no way of knowing was the most restless person in the whole house was not present in this room, but he was sitting downstairs in the living room with Rohan, & for all he was worth, Arnav wasn't even trying to console or lift Rohan's mood up a bit by talking to him. All he was doing was staring at the stairs which came down from the 1st floor, as if willing the steps to somehow glide the person he wanted to see embraced in them safely. Just when he was about to give up any hopes of seeing her today too, he heard the sound of descending footsteps on the stairs.

But soon his hopes were deflated as he saw his Nani & Di coming down followed by Khushi's Amma & Buaji, & no one else was following them. When Rohan looked at Anjali questioningly, she answered quietly that Khushi seemed OK, but maybe she wanted to be alone for sometime, so she went up to the roof. Before Rohan could ask anything else, Payal came out of the kitchen with a tray-trolley full of refreshments, & the Gupta women became busy in serving the Raizadas.

Arnav heaved his frustrated groans. He just couldn't go back today without seeing her for himself just once. He did that yesterday, & he hadn't been able of have a single moment of piece since then. No he had to see her today. He looked over at the others in the room. Nani was saying something about the wedding arrangements, & Garima & Mashumati were listening to her forced & somewhat fake interested expressions. Rohan, Anjali & Payal were whispering urgently among themselves about something, & Arnav didn't need to be told who the subject matter of their discussion was.

Arnav slowly half stood up with his cell phone in his hand & said in a subtle tone, "I need to make an urgent call, but the reception is so bad here' Maybe I'll try the 1^st floor for a better signal? & Rohan I may use your washroom afterwards'?" Rohan nodded instantly exactly as he had expected him to do, & without wasting a second, Arnav started climbing the stairs, & he didn't even pause on the 1^st floor landing, but continued straight to the rooftop.

It took him a couple of seconds to see anything as his eyes refocused to the darkened hue of the late afternoon, & then he slowly scanned the large expanse of the roof for his desired sight. He found her sitting on the ornate stone bench built by the railing of one side of the roof. She had her knees drawn up to her chest & she was hugging them in while resting her chin on them.

Arnav stood there watching her for several long seconds. The lone tiny figure in pale pink & faded gray was not moving an inch. She had an aura of stillness about her, like everything from her life to her breath had been halted by some shock. & it tore at Arnav's heart to see her like this. He slowly moved away from the doorway & made his way to where she sat.

As she felt someone approach her, Khushi looked up with alarm etched on her face & when she saw who it was trespassing on her much needed alone time, her eyes widened as if she had seen a ghost. She blinked a couple of times to make sure she wasn't dreaming, but he just kept coming on, until he was all but 2 feet away from her & then he stopped & it seemed like, he started regarding her warily. His silent appraisal irritated Khushi, & she asked in a voice barely keeping the irritation in it hidden, "Um' Did you want something here?... Isn't everyone downstairs? Shouldn't you be there too?"

Arnav watched her upturned face with great attention as if memorizing it for a memory test later, then sighing at the irritation in her voice, he said quietly, "I just wanted to see for myself that you were OK." & he heard Khushi's sharp intake of breath at his announcement.

Khushi couldn't believe it. Did he have some kind of thought reading powers? How else would he know, he was the first person she thought of, the moment she had seen his Di & Nani entering her room? & she despised her own self for the way her heart twitched & her whole being felt alive at his admission that he was concerned about her well-being. Khushi felt like slapping herself for letting herself slip at the first tiny temptation, & she pursed her lips & asked in a much harsher tone than she had ever used with him, "Did you now? Why? Do you expect me to believe you care one way or the other?"

& she regretted the words the moment they were out of her lips. She didn't know the name of what it was between them, but she did know that they had ended whatever it was unbelievably cordially for the sake of the close association between their families. Maybe their families were the reason he was being politely concerned about her. & the first chance she got of showing him that she was OK with all that transpired between them, that  she had far more important things going on in her life except him, she snapped at him with her feeling on display scattered all over the place.

Khushi hugged her knees more tightly as she suddenly felt him flopping down beside her on the bench, & then she heard him say in a hushed voice, "They all just want to take care of the best way they know how. Why don't you let them?" Khushi swiveled her head to look at his face to make sure she had heard him right, & then she said in an incredulous voice, "Are you kidding me? You are advising me on letting people care for me?! Seriously?! Have you ever heard of the phrase, practice what you preach?!"

Then she let her feet down on the floor & clutched the bench at her sides, as her torso moved forward & she said in a high-pitched strained half-scream, "I'll tell you why I am not being able to let them show their care for me' All of them.. They keep asking me the same thing over & over! 'How are you feeling?' What am I supposed to tell them, when I don't even know myself what I feel!... My Amma, or whom I thought to be my Amma for my whole life,  asks me, how do I feel about my Amma getting mercilessly murdered by the man who fathered me! How am I supposed to react to that??!!!... & they all say they would understand, if I am feeling hurt or angry or anguished' but I don't see how anybody would understand it, when it happened to no one else but me only, & for all I am worth, even I don't understand how I feel!!!"

& suddenly feeling very tired to have worked through all of that suppressed emotions, Khushi cupped her face in her hands & broke down in helpless, bitter tears, finally giving in to the horrifying sadness of her sickening history.

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But Arnav didn't flinch before her stare, & nor did he remove his hand. Instead, his thumb flicked gently & swiped her bangs away from her forehead, as he spoke in a hushed voice, "I know, Khushi."

& then he paused for so long while his eyes remained focused on her by now red nose, that she was just about to ask him, what exactly did he know, when he spoke again, "No one actually knows, how one feels when the protectiveness of parents is snatched from over one's head, except the ones who've themselves gone through it. & as no one had gone through, what you're going through right now, they really don't understand how you feel. But, they are only trying to help & care, Khushi." & suddenly his hand glided down & cupped her damp cheek.

& Khushi's lips parted slightly in a gasp, as she horrifyingly realized that, right at that moment, all she wanted to do was press her soft cheek into his roughened palm & cry some more, as her subconscious was increasingly provoking her to do, saying that would make her feel loads better!  Then she looked up at him with a small start as he spoke again in a low voice, "Don't shut them out. Don't isolate yourself like this!... Because when you do isolate yourself like this & shut the people out who care for you... you just lose the chance to get it all out & in the process you turn yourself into a person who..." He suddenly looked down at his own hand lying motionless in his lap, "Who becomes... just incapable of that kind of care & commitment again in his life."

Part 32