Chapter 1

Antarāya-timir'opaśāntaye

(To Resolve the Darkness of Obstacles)

Chapter One

Once again, Pallavi was serving food to the residents of Pooswami Old Age Home, and once again, Raghav was watching her with admiration. This time, however, he wasn't hiding in Ramaswami's office; he was right beside her, helping her to serve, just as he had helped her to cook that day. Pallavi was sensitive to kitchen smells now, but she had insisted that they, not the servants, would prepare this meal. After all, it was their thanksgiving, hers and Raghav's.

The doctor's report from last week's genetic tests had been entirely encouraging. Their baby was not predisposed to Amma's pancreatic disorder, nor to Raghav's intolerance to capsaicin from miracī. "I knew it!" Raghav had bragged immediately. "Raghav Rao kā nayā edition zarūra Raghav Rao-se bhī jyādā sturdy laḍakā hogā."

"Dhīre, beṭā," Amma had said. "Eka Raghav jaisā laḍakā mere liye plenty huā. Mereko Pallavi jaisā aura eka sweet laḍakī cāhiye."

Pallavi had said nothing. She had smiled at their remarks, but her eyes had hinted that she was busy with other thoughts.

"The test results include the baby's sex," the doctor had reminded them. "Pallavi and Raghav, would you like me to tell you?"

Then, Pallavi had looked at Raghav, who was looking at her with the same expression that she had caught in his eyes so many times when they were newly married. That tender, patient expression from a man whose heart was actually racing to take a plunge, if only she would give him the go-ahead - that expression, pulsating with amazement at how she could be so demure, had been the first hint that he thirsted for her to love him.

That night, alone in their bedroom, Pallavi had told Raghav that she wanted their son's name to be Arjun. Arjun was Raghav's little brother who had been killed by the villagers chasing Raghav for their stolen money. Raghav, unable to speak, had laid his head in Pallavi's lap and wept while she murmured a soothing prayer to Gaṇapati Bāppā.

Antarāya-timir'opaśāntaye,

Śānta-pāvanam acintya-vaibhavam,

Tan naraṃ vapuṣi kuñjaraṃ mukhe,

Manmahe kim api tundilaṃ mahaḥ

I meditate upon a certain chubby radiance,

Which has a man's body and an elephant's face,

Calming and purifying, unimaginably powerful

To resolve the darkness of obstacles.

Raghav's heart swelled with determination that this Arjun would always be protected.

"Arjun, I love you, I love you. Tumhārā Āī tumase jitanā pyāra karatā hai, usase bhī jyādā pyāra tumhārā Nānna tumase hameśā karegā." Raghav had chuckled at Pallavi's silent indignation. "Kyuṃkī Arjun kā Āī size se choṭā hai, aura Arjun kā Nānna baḍā ghoḍā hai. Jitanā size hai, pyāra utanā hī hotā hai. Arjun, I will always take care of you and your Āī. I will never let you down. Idi Raghav Rao vāgdānam."

The next morning, as they finished their breakfast, Pallavi had shared her idea.

"I want to cook another dinner for Pooswami Old Age Home, to give thanks for Arjun's healthy genetic test results. That is the place where our good memories began. The first time I cooked for the Home, I earned enough to turn around my bad luck with the shop. And on that occasion, I first saw the good in you, Mr. Ramaswami."

"Sārī kā Dukāna, when did you find out that I am Ramaswami?"

"Mr. Ramaswami, when did you accept that I didn't know all along?"

"You're right, I owe you an explanation first. Do you remember the day you threw rocks at my car, outside the hospital? You told Amma and Celli how I showed your family the obscene photographs from my scandal, as if you were the woman next to me. Later that day, I said to Amma and Celli that what I did was justified because you were the one who took photographs of Celli. Of course, Amma refused to believe that you were capable of doing that. That's when I told Amma that you had done it to me too; you had put a sedative in my food so that Anjali could photograph me naked with herself. Amma said, if Pallavi could have identified the woman in the photographs to prove her own innocence to her family, why didn't she say so? I wasn't willing to change my mind about you then, but when I found out that I had punished you for what that Su kā Bindī did to Celli, I remembered your saying that you only bumped into Anjali, and you didn't know what Ramaswami had to do with the scandal. I thought, if I'm such a bad person that I ruined your life for something you didn't do, maybe you were innocent the first time too. And then two things happened that convinced me of your innocence."

"What two things?"

"First, when you fed me that mahāthālī full of miracī, you must have expected that I would spit out the first mouthful and confront you, maybe even attack you physically. After I almost let a truck run over you because I thought you had put a sedative in my food, you still had the courage to face me as you fed me miracī. That's when I knew, if you had actually recognized Ramaswami as me and sedated me, you would have admitted it when I confronted you. You denied it because you honestly hadn't done it."

"Raghav..." Pallavi tried to speak, but her voice was a whisper, and Raghav did not hear her.

"Second, if you had actually seen the photographs of me naked, you wouldn't have called Farhad to undress me, that night you pushed me under the shower. You would have seized your chance to undress me yourself!"

"Kitī nirlajja māṇūsa āhesa tū! What a shameless person you are! Do you want Arjun to hear you? Be quiet!"

Raghav was shaking with laughter. "Why don't you change the subject then? When did you find out that I am Ramaswami?"

"After you accused me of putting a sedative in Mr. Ramaswami's food, I took another look at his thank-you note and I noticed the "RR" logo on the envelope. I realized that Mr. Ramaswami with red powder all over his face was actually you."

"So, right after I almost killed you with the truck, you found out that I fund Pooswami Old Age Home? How could you ever see any good deed of mine as sincere, after that? If only I had believed in the kindness that I saw in you at the Home that evening, Pallavi, I wouldn't have caused you so much suffering with my stupid revenge schemes. I know you have a habit of forgiving everyone, but how could you put your trust in me and start a new life with me?"

"It's time for me to tell you the answer to that question, Raghav. Remember, I also promised to punish you, that night you exposed Amruta."

"Yes, I remember very well. That was the first time I felt rejected by you! I should have known that you wanted to protect Amruta, but I was acting on impulse to be your hero."

"I didn't know how I could, should, or would punish you then. I only had a vague idea that if I managed to win your challenge, you would feel the sting of defeat. But then you hurt Bābā with your lies about us casually sharing nights, my hustling you with pet names, and those obscene photographs ... you made Bābā see me as dirty, he was ready to kill himself for shame, and his heart gave out. That's when I knew that you had to pay for what you did. It would no longer satisfy me to undo whatever damage you caused me. If I couldn't awaken your conscience and make you feel remorse, then I would have to make you feel the kind of loss that Bābā still feels."

"Pallavi, I do feel remorse, and I tried to patch up with your family..."

"Raghav, you felt bad that your revenge fell on me instead of Sulochana Kākū. But do you accept that it's wrong to fabricate evidence against anyone, even someone who violated Kirti? Your lies hurt my Āī and Bābā who had done nothing against you, but you didn't acknowledge that or ask them to forgive you; you only told them to change their minds about me. You wanted to play hero and expected their gratitude. So, you ripped up property papers without explanation and got Bābā out of jail with a forged document - do you know how humiliating it is for an older person to have decisions made for him? My family wanted to be treated with dignity, but whenever you invited yourself into their home, you called them disrespectful names. You boasted that someday their idea of family would begin and end with you, but you let them see that you only care about me and their feelings don't matter to you. So you only managed to split my family into two factions - those who accept both of us and those who reject both of us."

"So everything is my fault? I'm the khalanāyaka?" Raghav snapped, fed up of listening to his nagging wife. Was it too early in the day to distract her with intimacies that would lower her voice to a whisper? "What about you? When that Sana - I mean, Marathi father-in-law believed that I had sent him to jail, you defended me as your Pati. That surely made him very happy."

"I had decided by then that I had to stay with you to ensure your punishment. So, I put distance between you and Bābā before your haste to patch up made things even worse. If you had actually washed Bābā's feet, he would have resented you for making him ashamed of himself. Until the day you stood up to him for Mandar's right to pursue happiness, he thought you were only selfish and cruel. He wasn't ready to forgive that Āī cried at your feet, or that you sent Nikhil to jail."

Raghav squirmed. Āī wasn't afraid of him anymore, but the memory that his loving mother-in-law once slapped him as hard as she could and then knelt before him to beg was intolerable. "Why are we talking about the old days? You wanted to punish me, but you never did anything about it. I thought we were going to plan a celebration for Arjun."

"Raghav, what I have to say to you concerns Arjun's future. It's difficult for me to talk about this, but please hear me out."

"All right, go ahead."

"I want Arjun to be proud of his father. Call me middle-class, but I don't need to raise our son in a mansion, or have a bodyguard take him to private school in a car, or buy expensive gifts for his birthday. I want him to know that his father is a kind man, honest and hard-working, a law-abiding citizen who loves his country and its people. When I tell Arjun stories about Śivājī Mahārāja, I want him to imagine his father, his hero."

Raghav felt a pit in his stomach. He could not look at Pallavi.

"Raghav, I am telling you why I married you and why I stayed married to you."

Raghav took a deep breath. He was used to Pallavi telling him that he had disappointed her - she did that every few days - but those tirades made him think of carrying her to the bedroom and proving his ability to satisfy her. This was different. Her voice was tender and thoughtful, and made him feel terrible.

"For all my life, I wanted to belong to a family," Pallavi began. "I found my place with Āī and Bābā, Nikhil, Kākā, Manasi ... When you tore me out of my family, I knew that I had to avenge myself against you. Amma and Kirti took me in, and I thought that would be my opportunity to find your weakness. If I could find out what made you so cruel, maybe I could awaken the better person inside you and you would feel remorse."

"So, your interest in me brought out that Luṅgīvālā. No wonder he liked to spy on you!"

"What? Raghav, whom are you talking about?"

"No one. You were saying that your idea of revenge was to make me a better person, Picci Ammāyi."

"That was the idea until I found out that Nikhil worked for you. My little brother, trying to be a grown-up helper to me, was committing crimes at your direction and for your benefit. You cheated my country and used your illegal profits to corrupt my little brother. That was unforgivable. I knew that if I really wanted to be Nikhil's big sister, I would have to bring you, the big criminal, to justice."

"Whoa, Sārī kā Dukāna! At that point, you already knew that I'm Ramaswami. Everyone at the Pooswami Old Age Home says prayers for my prosperity. I help working children get off the streets and into school. But you're calling me a big criminal for not paying customs duties on some diamonds?"

"Raghav, I pay my taxes proudly and I also donate ten percent of my shop's revenue to an orphanage. I love my country. My taxes pay the salaries of schoolteachers, customs officers, and police officers, but when I reported you for driving drunk, rear-ending my scootie, and setting fire to my textiles, those taxpayer-funded police officers did nothing because they take bribes from you. Every week, when your diamonds arrive, you fail to pay your fair share of what it costs to keep our country running, and you use some of that money to bribe government employees to get what you want. You don't just give to charity. You throw money around. You gave a discount of thirteen crores to a rich customer on a whim. How many working children could have gone to school on that money?"

As Pallavi scolded him, Raghav was thinking about what an attractive patriot she was, and what he might safely do about that at this stage of her pregnancy.

Pallavi continued, "So, when you forced me to marry you, I made myself a promise that I would find evidence of your crimes and make sure that you were held accountable. Nikhil had to spend a night in jail for doing your work. You would pay your fair share of nights."

Raghav started to feel claustrophobic at the thought of months or years in prison. He moved to the living room couch to lie down, and hoped that Pallavi had almost reached the part of the story where she stopped hating him.

"Siddhesh Dādā helped me to find trustworthy law enforcement officers, and they told me how to collect evidence so that it would be admissible in court. I followed their instructions, and the case against you is now solid. The arrest warrant is ready for a judge to sign."

"Are you serious, Sārī kā Dukāna? You're having your own husband arrested?" Raghav leaped upright. The tears in her eyes told him the answer.

Pallavi tried to keep her voice steady. "The night before our wedding, I could not imagine going on with my life. The thought that you had bent me to your will was unbearable. Now that you knew how to hurt me through Nikhil, you could push the same button again and again, and I might do shameful things out of fear. Bābā would think that I had never been a good person. No one who wanted to help me - not Krishna, not Milind Kākā, not Siddhesh Dādā - none of them could rescue Nikhil tomorrow. In that hellish night, the only thoughts that brought me comfort were the lessons that Āī had taught me from Bhagavad-Gītā. When Arjuna was ready to give up the fight to avoid killing his own family members, Śrī Kṛṣṇa explained to him that he only has the right to take action, not to expect results. Actions should be taken based on what is right or wrong, not who is on the other side. So, whether Raghav Rao is my enemy or my benefactor or my husband, it does not matter. I had to take action against injustice, and my path led through Raghav Rao's business records."

Pallavi's tears were flowing steadily by now. Raghav took her in his arms. "Don't worry, Arjun. Your Āī is just reliving a bad memory. Your Nānna and you are here for her. Stay cool. Everything will be all right. Idi Raghav Rao vāgdānam."

"The unpaid customs duties will have to be paid, Raghav, plus fines. Jayati Jewels may have to declare bankruptcy, and we might have to forfeit both houses. The scale of your tax evasion and bribery over the years could be prosecuted as racketeering, and your history of business trips to other countries makes you a flight risk, so I don't expect the judge to grant bail. Prison time seems unavoidable, but if you plead guilty, you might get concurrent sentences."

Raghav's knees were trembling furiously as Pallavi spoke into his shoulder. He would lose everything - ten years of growing his business, his brand's reputation, the roof over Amma's head ... and he would be in prison when Arjun arrived. Desperate to regain control, he spoke with cynical bravado, "So, your reading of law books didn't stop with the Hindu Marriage Act. Did your counsel advise you to protect half of our assets with a divorce settlement?"

"I am not seeking divorce, Raghav. I want to be your wife when you pay your debt, and when you begin your new life as an honest man. My witness cooperation agreement with the investigators states that the Deshmukh Saree Emporium space belongs solely to me, and cannot be liquidated to pay your debts. That's all I need. It would have broken Bābā's heart to lose everything - thirty-five years of growing his business, his brand's reputation, the roof over Āī's head ..."

"What about breaking my heart? Why did you reunite me with Amma and Celli, just to humiliate them when I'm taken to prison?" Raghav demanded.

"We couldn't live above the law forever, my Ghamaṇḍī Rāva. It's not healthy to believe that how you spend wealth justifies how you acquire it. Kirti lost her self-respect when she stopped resisting your gifts. And Amma, as much as she takes pride in your success, still feels that your money comes from bad karma. For their sake, we have to come out of our illusion and live in the real world. We have to make a fresh start for Arjun."

"So, where will you and Arjun live while I'm in prison?"

"With Siddhesh Dādā. You can imagine that when Dādā heard that Bābā had thrown me out, he was ready to take the next train from Kolhapur and bring me home. But I was living with Amma and Kirti by then, and I insisted to Dādā that I had to avenge myself against you. Of course, when I informed him of our marriage, he pleaded with me not to risk my safety or mental health for justice, but I was determined to teach you a lesson, and he helped me. I owe it to Dādā to let him take care of me now. Mandar and Nikhil and Krishna can manage the shop, and I will be able to continue my Kathak dance training in Kolhapur."

"Do you suppose my prison will have Bharatanatyam classes?" It was a cruel joke, like their marriage maybe. He didn't want to make her feel worse - nor Arjun - and he knew that she, being Pallavi, couldn't have acted differently, but he was Raghav, and the thought of her going on with her life while he rotted in prison made him see red.

"Why not? It's a good idea for prisoners to exercise and express themselves through art. I'll ask Amma if she would like to teach people who never had the chance."

"You have no idea what prison is like, do you, Pallavi?"

"It's what we as a country allow it to be. What would an old age home be, if someone like Mr. Ramaswami didn't care about the people who live there? Prison doesn't have to be a place where people experience only beatings and rape and despair. If we love our country, we can have positive activities in prison."

"You couldn't even handle a few hours in a jail cell with mosquitoes," Raghav reminded her. "Your adventure in jail started with a bang when you pointed a gun at the Inspector and shot a bullet into the ceiling, but it ended with an annoying buzz-buzz when you were begging Farhad to get you out."

"What are you talking about, Raghav? I am Pallavi; I would never point a gun at anybody - that would have been so traumatic for the poor Inspector! And I know better than to shoot a bullet into the ceiling - it could seriously injure someone if it comes down with equal momentum! You have very strange daydreams! I only asked the Inspector nicely to let me into my husband's jail cell so that I could find out what happened to my other husband, and he decided to arrest me for offending religious sensibilities."

Raghav shook his head. "Am I dreaming now? We fell in love, your kindness to Mandar persuaded him to save my life, we conceived our first child, and the whole time you were plotting to send me to prison!"

"We've always kept secrets and worked against each other, Ghamaṇḍī Rāva. For two years and seven months, you tampered with evidence - the car from Mandar's accident that you bought and hid. If you had even asked the hospital for the patient's address and gone to return his gold ring to him, you could have disrupted Sulochana Kākū's plan to deprive him of his inheritance. And Mandar could have made the choice to live those years as an out and proud gay man, instead of fixating on me to turn him straight and repressing all of his other memories. While I was seeking justice for Mandar, you were committing witness tampering to mislead me, stealing evidence from under my pillow, and obstructing justice with your false confession. I never wanted you to go to prison for something you didn't do!"

"Is that what made you admit to yourself that you loved me?"

"Are you insane? Your willingness to commit crime after crime for Kirti made me despair for your moral conscience! No, there was no epiphany of blossoms and birdsong for me. That's all in Krishna's imagination. Sāṅgū tulā? Can I tell you? When you were vomiting blood because you let me punish you with miracī, I knew that I could love you. When you cried as you told me about the family that you lost, I knew that I should love you. When you gruffly handed me a train ticket to set me free, I knew that I would love you."

"Then why did you wait so long to tell me?"

"Why? Precisely how long should it take me to stop seeing you as a sadistic, duplicitous, dissolute, misogynistic narcissist who threatened to kill me? Also, until you asked me to wear that black dress, I was waiting for you to sort out what you felt for me. Guilt? Charity? Domesticity? Lust? Gratitude? Friendship? I could tell from your ribald flirting and bragging about other women - you wanted to court me, but it was coming out all wrong because you didn't trust me. You were drinking heavily and showing me the worst of your nature. When was I supposed to feel safe with you? You are so self-destructive sometimes, Raghav. Just one example - how could you play Russian Roulette for information, instead of just taking away the gun and the slips of paper?"

"How many times are you going to make fun of that?"

"Over and over, until Farhad tells me your next comparable achievement!"

"Well, with me in prison and Farhad spending his days and nights romancing Mandar, you'll have to wait a while."

"Arjun and I will wait for you. Always. He Pallavi Rao-çe vacana āhe. I couldn't ignore your crimes, but I always wanted to bring out the better person in you, and I quickly fell in love with that person. Someday, all of us will be together again. Meanwhile, our thanksgiving dinner at Pooswami Old Age Home can't wait. It has to happen tonight, before you are arrested. You have to help me with all of the cooking."

Raghav obediently followed her to the kitchen. For all of his adult life, he had tried to compartmentalize his personality - the swaggering business magnate, the big brother of street children, the unlovable son, the ladykiller, and Ramaswami. Then Pallavi had come into his life, brought out that lovesick Luṅgīvālā, and scrambled it all together. Their life together would always be a moral tug-of-war - self-respect and love and justice and loyalty all fighting to prevail. He didn't know where she would propel him, but he was never going to be in control again.

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