Two hearts drifting apart

Beta read: LizzieBennet

Two hearts drifting apart

The water gushed against the steps of the ghats, the diya slowly floating away with the current. I rested my chin in my palms and watched it drift away.

"Hola!" I turned to look at Neil, who smiled softly.

I turned my attention back to the diya. It was at a distance now and I could see the flame flickering.

"Can you help me?" Neil asked, unhappily as the flame of his diya kept getting extinguished due to the soft breeze. I helped him, cupping my palms around the diya as he lit it and waited until the flame was strong and steady. Then he placed it in the water and watched it float.

"Vidyut loved to come here when we were kids," Neil spoke after a long silence.

"This is where we first met," I continued, as I recalled that meeting with a smile.

"It's been two years since we lost him," said Neil, his voice betraying the pain he still felt.

I looked at Neil, who would have been my brother-in-law if I had not lost Vidyut to cancer.

"Two years! Has it been that long? I can still feel his presence. I can still hear his laughs, still remember the way he tilted his head when he was thinking hard about something," said Avni with a wistful sigh. 

"Avni, you need to move on, you cannot live your life like this" Neil said emphatically.

"It's easier said than done, Neil," I said, defensively. Everyone was telling me to move on, not realizing that it was more difficult than it seemed.

I had promised Vidyut in his last moments that I would move on, but that had been a highly emotional moment. I would have promised him the entire world then. I knew I couldn't move on that easily. I couldn’t let go of our memories together. I couldn’t just bring in someone else to replace him in my heart.

"It's easy for you to say, but you have never been in love. You cannot understand what I am going through," I said, rather harshly.

~~~~~~~~~

My footsteps halted, and I turned to look at her. She was lost in her thoughts, in her world - in the world that was her and Vidyut. My heart ached.

"You're right. How would I know?" I said in a tone that was filled with pain, jealousy and longing - pain for what she was going to through, jealousy for my dead brother and longing to have what he had with her. 

When Vidyut had introduced me to her, his voice had been laced with admiration. He was clearly smitten by her. I was impressed by her too, but I never realized my feelings for her until last year, after Vidyut's death. 

When had I fallen for her? If I have to be honest with myself, it was probably on the day I first laid eyes on her. But then Vidyut had made his move and she had obviously returned his feelings. So I had stepped aside. Funnily enough, Avni had always confided in me, not Vidyut, about her darkest secrets.

They say destiny sometimes ties us into weird relationships, and I couldn't agree more. Avni had been in love with Vidyut, but whatever there was between us, me and her, was never clearly defined. Were we friends? Confidantes? Something more? Something less? I could never tell. 

It wouldn't be fair to judge Avni; she wasn't aware of my feelings, for I hid them expertly by picking fights with her and annoying the heck out of her. Whenever my foolish heart pounded at the thought of her, I would remind myself that Avni loved Vidyut and shake off my feelings for her. But, unfortunately, feelings weren't like a light switch that could be switched on and off at will. 

~~~~~~~

I knew he was still looking at me. He was my best friend, one who had stayed with me in my darkest times. And now I knew I had to push him away. Not because I still loved Vidyut, but because I knew Neil didn't deserve someone as broken as me. I knew his mother wanted us to be together, maybe because she felt Neil would understand the void of Vidyut's loss better than anyone, but that wasn't going to happen. Vidyut had had his faults, unlike Neil. Neil deserved the best, and I knew I was not the one for him. I wasn't strong enough to move on.

My Neela Ma kept arguing that Neil was the best for me, and I couldn't disagree entirely. But I knew I wasn't the best for him. He may have been every girl's Mr. Right, but I was not his Mrs. Right.

Sorry, Neil, I said to him, but not aloud. I know I have hurt you, pushed you away every time, but I hope you understand why I'm doing this. It's for your own good. And if I am honest, I don't know what I feel about you, anymore. I don't wish to replace Vidyut, but a part of me feels like maybe , if I allow myself to, I could come to love you.

~~~~~~

They say a mother can read her child like a book, and Maa did read my feelings. She believed that Avni and I should be together, so I would get the love of my life, and Avni would get someone who would love her with his heart and soul. But I knew Avni wasn't ready to accept someone else in Vidyut's place. After her parents' divorce, it had taken Vidyut a lot of time to convince Avni that not all men were the same. If I pushed her to be with me, I could lose her trust. And her trust - and this fragile friendship we shared mattered more to me than being with her to fulfill my own selfish needs.    

The diyas were out of sight now, the flickering flames invisible, and the river bank was steeped in darkness - just like our future together.