1.HOPE.

"You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you hate. All my reaction were geared towards those kinds of killer - the monsters, the enemies. When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no option. How could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it? If it was someone you truly love?

___________ Stephenei Meyer.

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What would you do when your heart struck somewhere in the past? What will you be doing that you're forced to fight against the love you have for someone? What could you do? That someone hates you with passion.

We don't choose to fall in love, likewise we have no choice on who we fall for. It happens like an earthquake... with full force... without any warnings. Sometimes it leaves us as a wreckage... a remnant. Left to live our life as a nomad. That was me. A nomad in a foreign land.

I sighed glancing the clock it told me it's been five hours since I arrived here. I let my head lie back on the tiled wall as I waited for him to open his eyes. The eyes which swooned me years back, still had a hold to my soul. Love is nothing but a pit, why still we chose to fall. 

What love do us? 

It's destroy us.

Boost us. 

Makes us looks like a crazy in somewhat crazy world. 

It's gives us strength. 

It's makes us whole. 

I'm not exceptional, it made a crazy out of me, it boosted me, it destroyed me to the point where I couldn't stand my life, I wanted it to end. Likewise it mended me, it moulded me, it made me stronger than ever. It made me what I'm now.

I'm Swara Gododia, was a girl who had dreams, a life among people who cherished her. Now I'm a woman, a strong head woman, just because loving someone had me to live my life alone.

A distance beep sound of a monitor is keeping me sane. As I waited for the time to run fast where I can see the man that I love... to open his eyes. I never thought I would die for him to give me that disgusting look of him, now I'm really want that look, where he look at me like a shit which stuck in his slipper. And I never complained, I was happy at least he was looking at me in anyways.

A silent strangled cry left my mouth thinking about him being in unconscious state. Everything so confusing. When I last saw him he was a happy man, living a life with the peoples who loves him, with a person he loved. What happened now?

My love for him is simple but complicated as that. The love which I had for him is mine, not him and never will be. He is someone's. Despite everything here I'm... for him.

Sanskaar Maheswari, I have know him since my birth. His father and mine being childhood friends gave us an opportunity to grew up together. Though I was literally adopted by Ram uncle, his younger son, the said man and me never get along, we always had our differences, always had a conflicts over each and every thing. If I even had an little bit inkling about that I would love him at somewhere in my future, I wouldn't have picked up on him. What's done is done? I can never make my past right, hell I can even plan my future. I'm stuck totally stuck in my past, in my love.

He was my Jerry and I was his Tom we never left an opportunity to degrade the others. My life would have been simple that way. I was happy. But now loving him gives me an immense pleasure, which I can never explain in words. Even after knowing he won't be mine, I still refuse to move on. I know as bizarre as it may sound it wasn't like that, it's as glorious as a sunshine after a violent strom. If only you could feel.

Everything was normal between us, until that fortunate day where he saved me, where I felt his warmth for the first time in my life. Where I realized it was his arms where I belong. And being in his arms meant the world to me. That was the day I knew that he somewhat care for me. That was the day I was totally swooned by him.

I still remember that incident, I was walking to my friend's house with my broken cycle. It was noon time the sun just blasted no one was walking on the streets that left me alone. At distance I saw a group of boys an year older than me sitting on their bicycle under a willow tree. I could hear their hollers from where I was walking. I prayed to God that I shouldn't lose my temper for their tantrums which they were famous for. As I was nearing them I heard their name calling me, and their debate about my gender. It left me to the point where I lost my temper threw a stone at them. It kissed the leaders head, the blood was spilled out. It made me smirk. Wrong move. They rushed to me, flocked me in circle. One boy made a snide comment about my dress which was loose fitted a three forth khaki shorts and an equal loose army t-shirt. I closed my eyes just to compose myself. And the other one suggested that they should clear their dilemma about gender by undressing me. Next minute I felt hands on me. My instinct kicked in I kneed the boy who was in front of me on his stomach, again a wrong move. A sharp slap to my both the cheeks left me weak, I was held by hair which was cut short and my shoulders, my legs were locked by the boy in front of me. "She need to be kissed." The one who was holding me by my left shoulder said. Now they knew I'm girl. I closed my eyes over the fear of some strange boy robbing my first kiss. I waited but it never happened, at the same time I didn't dare myself to open my eyes. I heard yelling... groans, then I felt a harsh pull. When I opened my eyes I found myself in the arms of my enemy. The way he held me close to his ribs where I felt his throbbing heart, I looked up at him like it was only us in this world, everyone vanishing around me.

At the age of thirteen, my heart didn't know the consequence of falling in love, even though it did, could that pathetic thing have done anything, the answer is no. The love hit my young heart hard, with full force, it left me breathless...

I'm the remnant.

I was harshly pushed out of my two people world. I stood there surrounded by another group of boys, in the center there he stood in front of me scowling at me. Being a boy and two years elder than me gave him credits, he stood tall I was forced to crane my neck. He was talking and I wasn't registering. A loud clap close to my face made my mind to snap back and I finally heard and saw. He wasn't the only one who fight the boys but his whole gang was there, those were the same people who tormented me, teased me. I blinked again. All the words that left his beautiful lips I could form a sentence, he was scolding me for coming this long without my father. He didn't ask me, he made me sit in his bicycle in front of him as he drove me to my home. The journey was unforgettable experience, where I seated in between his hands, balancing my back on his chest. That was the most sensual and sensitive moment of my life. Where I was feasted by his boyish manly aroma, which was an earth drowning stench before. Then and there I knew he got a hold on my heart, body and soul.

I want to say to you so that you can hear me as I want you to hear me.

I snickered remembering the words of Neruda's. I never found a word or a courage to express my love to the person I love. I became mute.

My feelings for him grew with years. Before everything, I visited his home for me, later I visited just for him. To steal a glimpse... To rob his things... To smell him.. trying to get an attention which I never succeeded doing anything. I hardly find the courage to speak with him, even if I found one the words they never left my throat. I finally found a source to have a conversation with him, fighting, that was an easy and pathetic way to talk with him. Most of the fighting end with throwing words, sometimes it ends with throwing punches, hey best way to feel him.

Pathetic... I know.

But he never knew how much his single touch affected me. I happily took everything he can offer me. He never found out about my feelings, I was good at masking it. I was hopelessly in love.

Every happiness has its end, he totally distanced himself from me after a huge fight where I broke his skull with his hockey bat. How could I tell him it was an accident? I would kill myself before planning a hit on him. I even burnt my hand just to feel his pain, so immature. I stopped going to his house, I waited for him to calm down. After few days I went to his home to apologize for my actions, when I entered his room, he wasn't alone he had some of his friends with him. Were they began a trolling on me, calling me a transgender. The man I loved did nothing than joining them. I ran away as their laugh echoed throughout the mansion. I rushed to my home, hugged my sister and cried. I told her everything, she consoled me. It was nothing wrong being a transgender. It wasn't like that I'm.

It wasn't the first I was hearing people calling me a transgender it never affected me but him... It damaged me... thoroughly.. completely.

I stopped visiting his home, but the love grew even strong beside the humiliation. I couldn't do anything, he was hurt too right, I consoled myself.

After a long time I met him in my sister's wedding with his elder brother Laksh Maheswari. Those five years did wonders to his body, he wasn't a boy anymore but a was a man a complete man with a handsome features which put my twelve-th grade mind in frenzy, my hormones gone haywire. I felt dizzy, my heart thumped harder against my ribs. And those sherwani and turban did nothing in my help. He behaved more mature for his first year in B.sc chemistry. Throughout the wedding I did me best in fighting with him.

After completing my secondary education I joined his college to be around him. Along with my friend Kavita. She and my sister Ragini knew about my love for him. I busied myself to get his attention in that I totally forgot about the person I called best friend forever.

"Miss... Miss" a snap at my face woke me up from my false sleep. "Are you related to?" I nod my head. "You can see him." With a small smile doctor walked away from me. I ran to the ICU. I stood there looking at him, tears sprung out of my eyes seeing his state. Sanskaar Maheswari the infamous guy, the handsome hunk, dream boy of the entire college is lying lifelessly machines attached to his body. I walked towards him, my hand moved on it's own touching his forehead. I let my shaky hand ran over his hair wishing he was awake. Everything happened on it's own, without my knowledge I found myself kissing him.

Where is his lover? Where is Kavita? She must be here with him, right. I retrieved my hand remembering that he wasn't mine. Why he found in his apartment high and alone? What the hell is he doing here in LA? I never knew he was here very close to me until last night jiju called me and informed about his condition. Asked me to be with him until he arrives. Without any conception I rushed here by hiring a taxi around night 2:30. I couldn't look at him, he doesn't deserve this, what really happened? I have to wait jiju to come. I crashed on the chair. Letting my memories to roam into my past. Where I was a butterfly?

One year gone with me trying many tactics for him to look at me, to acknowledge me, nothing had changed he just ignored me, living his life happily. Me on the other hand did nothing but busied myself collecting my souvenirs, his coolers, bike keys, candy wrappers, I never think twice to jump into the dustbins just to possess those wrappers. The love made me crazy. I was in my own world where I can dream, the dreams where I found myself romancing him, his eyes which never showed any dislikes which held so much love for me. Where we had children. When you're in love it's hard not to have any hope to become us.

I was keeping my love to myself and I was happy at that, but my sister forced me to let him know. That was the first mistake of my life. That morning I went to college with a foreboding feeling nagging my nape. After finishing the day I searched him all over the college, wearing my heart at my sleeve hoping to trade it to him for his love. I asked his friends they didn't even try to answer me, I was no one to them. An unknown student informed me that he saw him in the park, I rushed there like a breeze flowing with an overwhelming emotions.

I found him at the right wing of the park. I can still feel the pain, a pain that I have never felt before. I looked out the window to a park at distance.

The sight before me nearly killed. I saw him kissing someone, that someone was my dearest friend Kavita. And I heard him murmur that she was his whole world, how much he love her. My heart bleed blood as her betrayal lanced through it. I ran from there wishing I didn't born. I didn't have a heart, it would have been easy in either way. As soon as I reached the left wing, I waited, letting out my emotions which was stuffed in me for years, curling on the sandy ground. I cried and cried, cried until I passed out.

When I found myself in hospital, I was informed that he was the one who brought me to my home the they admitted me here for an emotional trauma. I refused to talk to anyone regarding my fall. Later I opened up to my Pop's. He suggested me that he could arrange my marriage with him. I refused, I want him that's the truth but not like this, not in any other ways but because of the love he has for me. His happiness is most important to me, if his happiness lies with her let him be happy.

I wanted to move on from him, not from my love. So I quit my studies applied of a business administration in LA and moved here. About Kavita, I had my last conversation before boarding. That was three years back.

She was helping me in packing my luggage, talking nicely, I just nod my head not wanting to have a conversation with her. But when she asked me how can I leave my love behind just to achieve my dreams, what irked me is she very well aware of the fact that she totally snatched my dreams from me. I slapped her as harder as I can ending up in blurting out everything about her betrayal. I melted in her tears, even knowing they were crocodile tears. She begged for my forgiveness and said it him who asked her to keep them as a secret so that I won't be using it against him to avenge him. And she said I wasn't his type, he'll never love me, and he usually address me as a f**ked up boy. I know he hates me but that's too low. But her next words upsets me more, I was a daughter of a millionaire I can have any man I want, but being a middle class girl it's her chance to become rich. I wanted to warn him. Like hell he ever going to trust me over her. That thought stopped me. I don't want to spoil his happiness, his love may change her.

I'm a f**ked up boy for him, it broke my heart all over again. My sister suggested me to have make over if that's what he want. I refused if he ever fall in love with me it should be for me, for what really I'm. Not for the disguise I wore to impress him. Wearing pants, having a pixie hair is what he hates in me, let him hate me for all he want.

It's his loss not mine.

The last time I saw them together is a year before when I had Skyped my sister I saw them as a happy couple. What could have happened in this one year? If Kavita is responsible for his condition. She is going to pay for it. And I'm going make sure about it.

In this part of the story I am the one who dies, the only one, and I will die of love

because I love you,

because I love you,

Love, in fire and in blood.

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Hope you enjoyed the reprise version.

Don't forget to like and comment. I post from mobile so it's definitely unedited

Last quotes were Pablo's.

Regards,

Kam.