Shaadi ke laddoo, jo khaaye woh pachtaaye, jo naa khaaye woh pachtaaye

"What thoughts do you associate with marriage?"

"Big Fat Wedding, 250 guests, romance, love, drama, fights, stress, dealing with a man..."

*2.5 hours later*

"children, crying, insecurity, so many expenses..."

"You aren't really a wedding person, are you?"

Do I wish for a romantic date? A sweet and nice partner with whom I can binge-watch Raazi? And we can cook together because the help takes a day off? NO! I want to go on solo dates, watch Raazi at my own speed, and order in because I can't cook to save my life. (and yes, my idea of romance is inter-country marriage with one partner constantly lying to the other, despite loving him oh so much)

As you can see, not really a "marriage" person here. But that's also because I don't conform to society's heterosexual norm of a married couple with 2.5 children living at the end of a cul-de-sac. And also because I have MAJOR commitment issues.

You must have guessed it. After having my WhatsApp stories flooded with friends being bridesmaids and celebrities ruining my Instagram feed with their wedding pictures, I decided that we are going to talk about the "Happily Ever After".

Did you know that almost 32 lakh couples got married in India in 2022? According to a KPMG report, the Indian wedding market made a business of about Rs. 3.68 trillion in 2016. The wedding industry is growing at 25-30% annually in India. It's estimated over half of marriages worldwide are arranged. 

The divorce rate around the world is 4.08 per 1,000 married persons as of May 2022. The Maldives had the highest divorce rate in the world from 2020 to 2021, according to census data. According to a BBC report, 1.36 million people in India are divorced. 

Now that we have some stats to make me more confused about marriage, let me make it clear that I am not surrounded by bad marriages. In fact, I think the people around me make gorgeous couples together, and I pray that their relationships only become stronger with each passing day. *touch wood* 

But at the same time, marriage gives me the heebie-jeebies. No joke, when my friend was 16 years old, she went to a relative's wedding, and a 25-year-old man's mother proposed marriage. Creepy? I think so, too! (In the woman's defense, she didn't know my friend's age)

But that got me thinking, are the Shaadi ke laddoos that delicious, or is it like that chewing gum you try out because of pressure from your relatives, and now it's just like a rubber? 

I (I mean, we, the CC team) asked around people on IF what they think about the fuss around marriage? Do they avoid weddings because some aunty is ready to hitch them with their son, and do they avoid sitting down with their dads because they ask, "Aage ka kya plan hai?" and does their Daadi ask for a grandchild every third day? If they have checked all three boxes, we further asked them what they did (or, do) about it? What are their thoughts about being married? To the married people, we asked for a word of advice. From the ones considering marriage, we wanted to know their apprehensions, and to the ones who run away faster than PT Usha at the mention of marriage, till when can they outrun the societal norms?

Scroll down to find out. Chime in your thoughts, but please note you will be putting out personal information on a public forum and that we need to keep this thread PG 13, so no waise waali details.

This is your slightly wacko host and definitely not high on chai host signing off. Hinna, take it from here!

 How do people feel regarding marriage? Do they want a grand dreamy wedding like Sid-Kiara recently had? Or maybe they had a small private ceremony with only a few close people, like Ranbir-Alia? Or perhaps they don't want any wedding at all? Just like Shibani mentioned, we sent a questionnaire around to find out what people's experiences and opinions are, regarding marriage. Are they happily married, or do they run away from the name of marriage? Or maybe they are still waiting to taste the shadi ka ladoo? ...We split them into three categories to find out!

Maroonporsche:

1.  Are you married? If not, are you considering marriage or do you grab your heels and running the second someone says "marriage"

Yes married 

2. If you are married, what was the whole pre wedding situation like, emotionally? If you aren't, what has convinced you that you are now ready (or not) for a partner 

It was nerve racking considering it was all arranged with no meeting 

3. Any story that you can relate to your marriage, partner hunting or relationship that you want to share with the public as a push for them to consider marriage or as a warning sign that it's a bad idea.

Yes be ready that they’re gonna argue with you. An sometimes they won’t make any sense. Just try to listen 

4. Any advice for fellow IF-ers wrt marriage/weddings/relationships.

Always look at your significant others music playlist 

Anonymous

1. Are you married? If not, are you considering marriage or do you grab your heels and running the second someone says "marriage"

- Yes I am married and completing a decade together this year. 

2. If you are married, what was the whole pre wedding situation like, emotionally? If you aren't, what has convinced you that you are now ready (or not) for a partner 

-The whole pre- wedding thing was super stressful. My wedding date was fixed in April when my hubby was about to visit india n booked his tickets and we only had a month to prepare. Hubby was coming only for a 1.5!months. That too cut short as he was called back early by his company. So we only had like 15 days to shop for him. On my side My grandpa passed away that January so we couldn’t begin preparations until we complete the mourning period. Then had 2 more deaths in the family pushed the preparations for some more time. Thankfully my dad is very good at managing things. My all saree shopping done in a day. Jewelry in another day . A friend of mine was in printing business who helped me with wedding card selection and printing. Menu was decided in a day.(though all guests were praising the food and menu I haven’t tasted anything except the dhoklas.😅😅).

My MiL came and we did lehenga shopping that took 3 days 😵‍💫 as I roamed around whole city. For thise 3 days I could only see blingy lehengas in my dreams or whenever I close my eyes. At last finally got the lehenga which I liked a day before. 

Our family tailor messed the trial saree blouses n at last we Found a designer who designed and stitched blouses for us. It was a hell of a ride. My hubby’s sherwani choosing took 3 days n I was super tired roaming around in hot march weather. Then the D day arrived and I was super exhausted by then that I got sick. I could say it was a hell of a ride almost like a roller coaster. No pre wedding photo shoots n nothing just riding on my scooter around the city to get things done. 

Right now I am remembering all this and thinking what a month full of stress and running around. 

3. Any story that you can relate to your marriage, partner hunting or relationship that you want to share with the public as a push for them to consider marriage or as a warning sign that it's a bad idea.

-I was 20-21 year old and studying when everyone around in the family the oldies were keep on asking my parents to find a match for me. in the weddings or family gatherings all asks you about when you are getting married and ask about your biodata etc. I stopped attending them after a while as I didn’t want to get married once😂😂 

 I was in an arrange marriage set up at first. But nothing was working as I didn’t like any of the guys. Met 2-4 guys. N after a rejection of a first guy I saw I literally developed cold feet. Nothing was working out. I was thinking where are the good guys at. 😂😂 Me and hubby were friends as he was guiding me regarding my university application abroad. One fine day he asked me what is going on with my life. I told him my parents are looking for a guy for arrange marriage set up. He said his parents were also looking a girl for him. Then why don’t we try for our match and ask our parents as he was visiting India that year. N I was like hain..? N laughed on it. Then next day he called me and said he was serious about it and already told his mom and sister about me. That he likes me and asked me to talk to my parents. My situation was a comedy one as I told my mom first and she got angry on me and told me she is not going to talk to my dad about this. I myself have to do the needful. 😂 one fine day when mom was not home I told my dad about a guy who is interested in meeting us for match making 😂. Dad asked me does your mom know? I said no.😂 he was like okay don’t tell your mom right now. Let me talk to her.😂😂 this is how they both agreed for the meeting n then our families met at my place. It took 3 months back n forth for his extended family to be agree with the match as our castes were different. There was drama , romance though no action in our wedding.😂 I can say ours was a love+ arranged marriage 😅

Marriage is not a bad idea. Yes you get hiccups on the way during the journey and a few speed breakers as well but eventually everything falls in place.

4. Any advice for fellow IF-ers wrt marriage/weddings/relationships.

Take your own sweet time before settling down. Don’t get fomo and jump in the sea 🌊 named shaadi😂

Always remember do choose a guy / girl who is understanding and caring and treats you with respect. As after 5-10 years down the line, looks don’t matter 😂

Somewhere you adjust yourself somewhere your partner adjust him/ her in the relationship thats how it works. I’m not saying adjusting yourself at the cost of your self respect. 

Adjusting in the way the pieces of a puzzle work together and making a beautiful artwork. 

Anonymous

1. Are you married? If not, are you considering marriage or do you grab your heels and running the second someone says "marriage"

Yes I am married. 

2. If you are married, what was the whole pre wedding situation like, emotionally? If you aren't, what has convinced you that you are now ready (or not) for a partner 

Well my marriage happened in just 5 days of preparation so I didnt feel the stress or craziness which happens in pre-wedding situations. So what happened was mahurat for wedding date came out to be either in December or Feb of next year so we decided to do December date because after that my mom had to go to India for 4 months. Anyways so we got to know the wedding date by priest literally 5 days before the wedding.  My mom literally did all arrangment in 5 days, I dont know how she did it (especially in foreign country where it is hard to get garlands etc but everything was perfect). 

3. Any story that you can relate to your marriage, partner hunting or relationship that you want to share with the public as a push for them to consider marriage or as a warning sign that it's a bad idea.

Before I met my husband, I was in a toxic relationship. In the starting, my ex was very nice and considerate then a sudden change happened, he became toxic, he used to make me feel like the most useless person in world, he used to talk bad about my parents too so I decided enough was enough and I broke up with him. After that I started to have trust issue so it took me a lot of time to be comfortable around my husband when I had met him. Anyways rest is history, he was able to make me open up to him, he was very gentelman and very understanding and patient and respects me and encouraged me and never pushed me for anything. 

Lesson of this story is as soon as a relationship turns bad, just run for your life, i know it is hard but its better to be single then be in a bad relationship. 

4. Any advice for fellow IF-ers wrt marriage/weddings/relationships.

 The only advice I want to give to everyone when dating or looking for your patner is to look for someone who respects you and your family. Dont ever be in a relationship where you feel insecure of yourself or if the patner makes you feel like you are worthless. Also, dont rush into a marriage as  its a long time commitment, only marry if you are sure that you are ready. Also, dont go for looks, go for someone who is good in heart. 

Anonymous

1. Are you married? 

Yes

2. If you are married, what was the whole pre wedding situation like, emotionally?  

Exciting. Also a lot of nervousness & anxiety mostly because of the pressure of having the in-laws on both sides get along & having the entire ceremony happen without a glitch. There were people on both sides to handle the nitty-gritties but yeah, since it was my wedding, I had that pressure weighing on my head all through, even if everyone around me assured me it would be okay and asked me to 'just chill and focus on looking pretty' 

As far as my relationship with my SO was concerned, it was very easy emotionally because of the bond we shared pre-wedding, so it was very organic for both of us to end up here.

3. Any story that you can relate to your marriage, partner hunting or relationship that you want to share with the public as a push for them to consider marriage or as a warning sign that it's a bad idea. 

Not really.

4. Any advice for fellow IF-ers wrt marriage/weddings/relationships. 

I think it's an individual thing. Marriage is a personal choice so there can be no cookie-cutter approach to it. I have seen several types of marriages and I think only the two people involved truly know how they feel. One thing is for sure - there is a lot of compromise, adjustment, letting-go involved - but this is true of every relationship. Just that marriage is more intimate than most relationships. So I would say, it depends on what each person wants out of a marriage and if it satisfies them emotionally, financially, physically or even spiritually.  

What are you looking to get out of it is the key - Is it just being with the person you love? Is it companionship? Is it physical intimacy? Is it emotional bonding unlike anything you've known before? Is it wanting kids? Is it personal growth & evolution? Is it convenience? Is it financial assurance? Is it the benefit of having this one person to depend on always no matter what life throws at you? 

Most marriages are a combination of the above. I think that's why no one can be an expert on marriage. What works for one may not work for another. 

All I'd say is when you decide to marry someone, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons for you. You cannot predict how the marriage is going to be, nor can you predict its longevity. I'm sure most people go into a marriage thinking it's going to last forever. All you can do is make a decision at that point in time based on what you feel and whatever your life circumstances are.

It's important to have a conversation with your SO to make sure they understand the things that are important to you & what are the deal-breakers for you & vice-versa. Agree upon them and of course, work on your marriage every single day. The pay-off can be absolutely worth it. 

continued in next post...

Ashley.Tisdale

1. Are you married? If not, are you considering marriage or do you grab your heels and running the second someone says "marriage"

Answer: No, not married. Not even dating. Currently I am on neither extremes when it comes to the topic of marriage. But I am a firm believer in love and love marriage. So if I find the right partner and all other factors like financial independence and career are in line, then I would not say no.

2. If you are married, what was the whole pre wedding situation like, emotionally? If you aren't, what has convinced you that you are now ready (or not) for a partner 

Answer: I have always been open to love and the concept of marriage. So in that sense I am ready. There was a time because of tremendous trauma due to past experiences I had become hesitant, but healing myself has helped me go back to who I was. So...yes for marriage, but only if it happens with mutual love, respect and being supportive towards each other.

3. Any story that you can relate to your marriage, partner hunting or relationship that you want to share with the public as a push for them to consider marriage or as a warning sign that it's a bad idea.

Answer: I haven't partner-hunted ever. There have been aunties who approach my parents with the usual rishta, but none of us are keen on an arranged marriage. And most boys who have been interested in me are well...boys. And they have only one particular intention, if you know what I mean.

So I'll just say this:

If you're in a happy place and have found your Mr/Miss Right, then there isn't a reason to say no unless you don't want to get married.

But if you are marrying only to keep away the "log kya kahenge" crap, or under family pressure, then don't do it. It's not gonna be a happy life for you or your soon-to-be spouse.

4. Any advice for fellow IF-ers wrt marriage/weddings/relationships.

First know yourself and what you want in life. When you have that clarity, then only will you find the right person. Don't use attraction or looks as the only factor to get together. It might be all good and sublime in the beginning but those aren't the only things that make a marriage work. Compatibility - physical, emotional, mental, spiritual - is key.

And if you ever find someone trying to emotionally manipulate, gaslight or tie you down, run as soon as you can. Don't worry about what people will say. I've been there and it nearly ruined me. Bhagwaan ne jeevan ka upahaar diya hai, no one is worth messing ourselves over. Approach anyone closest to you whom you can trust and get out of it. You are stronger than you think.

Anonymous

1. Are you married? If not, are you considering marriage or do you grab your heels and running the second someone says "marriage"

No i m not married yet but yes i m considering getting married.

2. If you are married, what was the whole pre wedding situation like, emotionally? If you aren't, what has convinced you that you are now ready (or not) for a partner 

Recently there was a marriage in my house so i got to see everything closely.. how the person getting married feels during courtship period, bond with in-laws, the sadness of leaving their family behind nd happiness of getting a new family and a partner u can share ur emotions/thoughts with. Some things which we cant share wid anyone we do wid our partner trusting them fully that they will keep it to themselves and will not take advantage of it.

3. Any story that you can relate to your marriage, partner hunting or relationship that you want to share with the public as a push for them to consider marriage or as a warning sign that it's a bad idea.

Nothing.. i have never been in relationship.

4. Any advice for fellow IF-ers wrt marriage/weddings/relationships.

Its a beautiful bond if both sides put equal efforts and trust and love each other. Trust your partner and never let any third person or insecurity destroy it. Communication is the key in marriages/relationships.

Vedika.Kapoor

1. Are you married? If not, are you considering marriage or do you grab your heels and running the second someone says "marriage"

No I am not married. I wish to settle down at some point but I am not in a hurry. I do get told by my dad to get married but I "run" away at times because I don't want to rush with the decision. I feel a bit sad and also under pressure over him saying this but I don't want to also go for the first guy I meet. I feel ready to be in a relationship but I want to take my time in finding a good life partner, since it took me long time to settle myself professionally as well. 

2. If you are married, what was the whole pre wedding situation like, emotionally? If you aren't, what has convinced you that you are now ready (or not) for a partner 

I feel ready due to the fact I have settled down now professionally and after years of struggling, changing job profile and also job fields finally I am happy in my professional space. My biggest aim was to be secure professionally and somewhat financially before going the next step. I am now wanting to start looking for a partner slowly, at the same time wanting to also become more finally independent, moving out of my parents home and although in todays time its a far fetched dream I want to also have my own house. 

3. Any story that you can relate to your marriage, partner hunting or relationship that you want to share with the public as a push for them to consider marriage or as a warning sign that it's a bad idea.

Not really a story since I have not made many experiences in this field, but from what I have seen in my friends circle or also family, I have learnt that there is no need to rush. Taking time, being professionally in a good space alongwith being financially stable and independent is very important, before moving onto a life partner hunt and ultimate marriage because one should never become dependant on the partner for everything. 

4. Any advice for fellow IF-ers wrt marriage/weddings/relationships.

Take your time, don't feel pressurised by friends or family. Do what your heart says and how you feel. And most important, BE Independent and confident

continued in next post...

tournesol

1. Are you married? If not, are you considering marriage or do you grab your heels and running the second someone says "marriage”?

I am unmarried. I don’t run away from the idea of marriage (not as fast as I used to 😂), but I am also not overjoyed about it.

2. If you are married, what was the whole pre wedding situation like, emotionally? If you aren't, what has convinced you that you are now ready (or not) for a partner

I am not ready. Marriage feels like inviting patriarchy into your home, into your daily life.

Btw, my parents are very happily married, and my father is opposite of the definition of patriarchy.

3. Any story that you can relate to your marriage, partner hunting or relationship that you want to share with the public as a push for them to consider marriage or as a warning sign that it's a bad idea.

I had a friend. She was madly in love with a guy, and the guy used to burn her wrists with his cigarette if she didn’t do as he said. One day I saw the marks on her wrist and she confessed to me. I asked her why didn’t she break up with him. She said she couldn’t because she loved him, and she wanted to prove her love was true by not giving up. I was dumbstruck. It was quite evident that cigarette burns were only one way of abuse. She was one of the vibrant, intelligent women around me. It was sad to see how her abusive relationship was slowly destroying her.

4. Any advice for fellow IF-ers wrt marriage/weddings/relationships.

Never go into a relationship/marriage financially depending on your partner. God forbid, if something bad happens (touchwood, may everything be good) or your partner turns out to be abusive/controlling/narcissistic-abusive/cheater, and say you want to end the relationship/marriage, you will need funds to sustain yourself and your children (if any). So, go fall in love, truly care for your partner from your heart, trust-commit-marry, but never completely depend financially. If anything goes wrong, your independence and funds will save your and your kid’s future. (I think this advice goes especially to women as statistically women suffer the most)

From another point of view, if your partner is loving and supportive, they may even be happy that you are sharing the load with them. Patriarchy sets unrealistic expectations on men for protecting and providing for one’s family. These expectations wreak havoc in a man’s psychology. Imagine the kind of psychological pressure a person would go through if they cannot express their vulnerability even to the people close to them. So, please be financially independent. Share the load, financially and emotionally. It will be good you, your partner and your (future) kids in the long run.

Btw, not depending on your partner financially doesn’t mean depending on your parents instead.

I feel marriage is a good idea only with a right partner, someone who would love, trust and understand you. Otherwise, it’s better to be single than in a wrong relationship/marriage. Also, any happy relationship/marriage is a process, a two-way process, it builds over time and it can’t survive if only one person is giving their everything.

FingerFetish

1. Are you married? If not, are you considering marriage or do you grab your heels and running the second someone says "marriage"

No. I was once engaged but my ex-fiancée and his family was extremely toxic. The trauma of that relationship has left a sour taste in my mouth regarding marriage. 

2. If you are married, what was the whole pre wedding situation like, emotionally? If you aren't, what has convinced you that you are now ready (or not) for a partner 

I’m not ready for marriage as my past mistakes have now made me picky about any future prospects. The relationship had crushed my self-esteem and was emotionally/mentally abusive. I want to find myself again and re-build my self esteem before giving love a second chance. If I can’t love myself, then I shouldn’t expect someone else to love me.

3. Any story that you can relate to your marriage, partner hunting or relationship that you want to share with the public as a push for them to consider marriage or as a warning sign that it's a bad idea.

Listen to your gut feeling. If your heart is telling you that something isn’t right, how you’re being treated isn’t fair, then do not brush these signs away. It NEVER gets better, rather it only gets worse. Don’t marry a guy who prioritises his family over you and never stands up for you when he’s family is mistreating you. He will never change. 

4. Any advice for fellow IF-ers wrt marriage/weddings/relationships.

As above. Don’t commit to a mamas boy. 

Anonymous

1. Are you married? If not, are you considering marriage or do you grab your heels and running the second someone says "marriage"

run away and hide is what I usually would say but my mind is a bit scrambled at the moment  so I'm listening to my heart

2. If you are married, what was the whole pre wedding situation like, emotionally? If you aren't, what has convinced you that you are now ready (or not) for a partner 

 I don't know i've lost my mind, no finding someone who understands/ respects you and gets you is important. you will be stuck with them for a lifetime so best find out everything first.

3. Any story that you can relate to your marriage, partner hunting or relationship that you want to share with the public as a push for them to consider marriage or as a warning sign that it's a bad idea.

 Look until you know its the right person for you.

4. Any advice for fellow IF-ers wrt marriage/weddings/relationships.

Make your own story and your own decisions its your life. Don't get married  or do get married who cares do whatever makes you happy.

So what can we take away from this? Shaadi ke ladoo, khaaye ke nahi? Do leave your comments in this thread and tell us what you think. Before sharing any personal information, please keep in mind that this is a public thread and anyone can read it, nothing unsuitable for under 18s please.

Credits

Yuvika_15 | Animagus_Shiri | MinionBoss | NSKay | oye_nakhrewaali

This is a topic for Shreya and Pooja for sure since they are literally dying to taste the laddoo.. 😆

Nice topic, am not against eating shaadi ka laddoo.

I am very happy with my present situation.😊

I am not liking the flavours of the laddoos that my family members and others are offering me. Until I  find the flavour of my liking am not eating it. 😒

 I think it’s perfectly OK to be happily single rather than bite into a laddoo, and later realize I can’t spit it out nor swallow. 

Originally posted by: Yuvika_15

This is a topic for Shreya and Pooja for sure since they are literally dying to taste the laddoo.. 😆

The day I taste the laddoo I will throw a funeral party....for me. 🤣

Unmarried girl here! I will definitely go for an arranged marriage.. because i don't know.."fall in love","love at first sight" ..these things never happened to me or they will never happen as all the classmates/colleagues seemed to ran away once they talk to me.. maybe because i am a serious person, smile less 🤣i honestly don't know 

 how will one guage a person's true nature based on few minutes of talking.. what if the guy talks very well but when u finally settle down..he is not what I expected? Can any experienced person or those who have seen closely enlighten me on How to identify the red flags? 

Originally posted by: Yuvika_15

This is a topic for Shreya and Pooja for sure since they are literally dying to taste the laddoo.. 😆

Poor Shreya. Her only hubby is tying the knot with someone else🤣

Shreya, get a new husband. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Originally posted by: la_Reine

Poor Shreya. Her only hubby is tying the knot with someone else🤣

Shreya, get a new husband. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Tu khud ka soch. Tere toh saare pati kisi aur ke saath shaadi kar rahe hain. 😈