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Posted: 1 years ago
#1

I am infatuated to my maid. We are of the same age and single. The attraction is NOT sexual (many people assume that so i thought I should mention it), I like her personality and charisma a lot, she might be even the most polite person I have ever met. But I know a relationship like this obviously wouldn't work in India. This is a kind of topic i cannot share with anyone in real life (even my parents) because i am scared of being judged so i am posting this here.

The only way i see to move on from this is by keeping distance from her. But as she is my maid, she comes to the house everyday so i have to see her everyday. This is why i am feeling trapped. It seems like a problem which is completely not in my control. Its like a torture...i have to see her everyday which is why i am not able to get over her. I try to go out of the house to the gym everyday before she arrives so that I do not have to see her...but obviously I can't do that forever right? It's really difficult and tiring to consciously avoid a person every day.

So that's why I am posting this here hoping for a solution to move on. Any advice is very much appreciated.

Thank you.

Edited by Advicethrowaway - 1 years ago

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Posted: 1 years ago
#2

Okay... I have twisted thoughts on this matter, and not many will find it rational; maybe you like it or not, I don't know but try it, it might help - who knows. 

I think more you'll resist this feeling, more it'll persist. Rather than running away every time you see her, acknowledge that you're attracted. Your problem is you somewhere feel guilty about having those feelings; however, there is nothing wrong with being attracted to anyone; at that age, we get infatuated with teachers, celebrities, or anyone that makes us feel comfortable - it is just a pure blissful feeling, but deep down inside we all know that path is a dead end and there is no destination to it and in this, you're left with the journey itself - so rather than making it hard, why don't you enjoy it and feel them - cherish her traits and be happy for who she is- talking with her will help you, be friends with her instead of being away. It's very similar to the process when you're grieving. You're sad and have too many emotions inside, but you try to resist those feelings, but once you cry, you feel better. It's a psychological-based answer I am trying to give to you. Hopefully, it helps. Keep on updating us.

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Love & Friendship

Posted: 1 years ago
#3

Originally posted by: Advicethrowaway

No sir/ma'am...I'm 19...I will start college next year...I will move out of the house then (will take up hostel)...but right now, I am preparing for competitive exams at home and am not able to find a way to create any sort of distance...


I would advise you to concentrate on your upcoming competitive exams n avoid distractions.  I can understand your situation as I have been through same as am a professional .

 Go to another location during the girl's working hours / study at friends place / gymming with friends  is good idea/ jogging /swimming etc .

Once you are financially independent you go ahead n  marry the girl who loves you. 

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Posted: 10 months ago
#4

UPDATE:

If anybody wanted an update, here it is.

I have managed to get into a decent college in south India, very far from where I live, in fact I am typing this from my hostel room. It's been about 20 days since I have been here. I thought I would be happy, but I do not feel so. I will say that I feel a bit relieved, I am not forced to wake up at the same time everyday with anxiety now, but I still feel empty.

I have managed to make a few friends, I am talking more now, and I feel okayish I guess...I do not feel homesick so that's a good thing. But still, I do not feel good...A part of me, a major part of me misses her, I don't understand why, but it does...that's why I still can't get over her. I get anxiety attacks when some random event triggers her memory...Another part of me does not want to see her so that I don't get attached...This constant conflict within myself is what escalated this problem to such extent in the first place. I don't know when it will go away...

I have to go back in a few days though, because I have to sign some bank related papers...I don't know what will happen then...I really don't want to see her again, but it's not in my control...

I'm trying to go with the flow, I don't know how things will turn out, I get scared thinking about going back home during semester end breaks already...I don't know how everything is going to turn out...

Sutapasima thumbnail

Love & Friendship

Posted: 1 years ago
#5

What is your occupation ? 

Are you financially independent? 

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Posted: 1 years ago
#6

Originally posted by: No2Pencil

Okay... I have twisted thoughts on this matter, and not many will find it rational; maybe you like it or not, I don't know but try it, it might help - who knows. 

I think more you'll resist this feeling, more it'll persist. Rather than running away every time you see her, acknowledge that you're attracted. Your problem is you somewhere feel guilty about having those feelings; however, there is nothing wrong with being attracted to anyone; at that age, we get infatuated with teachers, celebrities, or anyone that makes us feel comfortable - it is just a pure blissful feeling, but deep down inside we all know that path is a dead end and there is no destination to it and in this, you're left with the journey itself - so rather than making it hard, why don't you enjoy it and feel them - cherish her traits and be happy for who she is- talking with her will help you, be friends with her instead of being away. It's very similar to the process when you're grieving. You're sad and have too many emotions inside, but you try to resist those feelings, but once you cry, you feel better. It's a psychological-based answer I am trying to give to you. Hopefully, it helps. Keep on updating us.

Thank you for replying. I also considered this in the beginning but did not act on it. The main reasoning I gave myself was that I may creep her out if I talk to her out of nowhere. We all know girls and boys talking and being friends is still kind of a taboo in India especially in the rural parts of the country, where she is from. 

Even if I rule that part out, I think I myself don't have the confidence to talk to girls. The last time I talked to a girl that was not my mother or my cousin was before lockdown. I had a few friends too at that time. After covid everything changed, I have zero friends and extreme social anxiety now (I plan to fix this in college), add to that my introverted personality.  Also I can't work on it right now because I wanna fully focus on my studies right now so that I can get a decent college, this maid situation has already messed up my studies really badly, I don't want to make it worse.

I just don't understand how this silly teenage stuff got escalated to such heights, the weird part is that my brain completely understand how silly and illogical this situation is but I guess my heart just doesn't understand this. I still get anxiety attacks whenever I hear anything related to her even when she's not around and God forbid if I'm in the house while she is also there, my senses stop functioning and I feel like disappearing from the house right there and then. Her mere presence makes me nervous. I think this is because of the social anxiety. As you said, I should try to enjoy this rather than being guilty about the feeling, but I am just not able to do so because of all this.

I think it's not infatuation anymore, it's more like a trauma. I don't want this person anymore around me because she is the reason I get so uncomfortable and numb. The worst part is that it's not her fault. She just comes, does her job and leaves. The problem is with me, that is why I hate myself for it, I just can't find a way out.

If you (or anyone else) have any other advice, please do give. It's really comforting to talk to someone about this.

Edited by Advicethrowaway - 1 years ago
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Posted: 1 years ago
#7

Originally posted by: No2Pencil

How is it going for you ? any new updates.. ?

Hi, thanks for asking...honestly thought no one would reply since it's been months. Unfortunately, nothing much has changed...sometimes the situation gets worse and I feel like I'm going mad:( I still haven't told anyone about this and don't think I will ever be able to. I am looking forward to go college. My exam is scheduled in June mid and I guess counselling will start around mid July, so I should be able to move out by august. Everyday I just say "bas do mahine aur" and it gives me some kind of strength.

I know it's not all sunshine and roses even after I go because I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get homesick but I guess I have got to compromise somewhere. Studies are going mediocre at best but I'm trying to improve...other than that there is nothing really interesting going on to share. 

All in all I guess I'm hanging in there. I wish for this to be over soon...let's wait and see what life brings.

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Posted: 1 years ago
#8

No sir/ma'am...I'm 19...I will start college next year...I will move out of the house then (will take up hostel)...but right now, I am preparing for competitive exams at home and am not able to find a way to create any sort of distance...

Edited by Advicethrowaway - 1 years ago
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Posted: 1 years ago
#9

Originally posted by: Sutapasima


I would advise you to concentrate on your upcoming competitive exams n avoid distractions.  I can understand your situation as I have been through same as am a professional .

 Go to another location during the girl's working hours / study at friends place / gymming with friends  is good idea/ jogging /swimming etc .

Once you are financially independent you go ahead n  marry the girl who loves you. 

Thank you for the advice...means a lot...but I just wanted to ask...isn't there any other way out? I mean, there is atleast 10 months left before I go to college...I don't think I will be able to avoid her everyday for the next 10 months. It is tiring. Not to mention it affects my studies too...everyday I wake up to study and after some time I get distracted and before I know it I am pre-planning to get ready and leave as soon as possible...

It has reached a point where now, I just want her to go away from my life so that I can finally move on. Also I can't ask my parents to fire her because 1) they will ask  why and I won't have a reply and 2) This may cause her financial instability which is something I would never want...she is just here to do her job right? The problem is with me, not with her so that option is also out of the window...

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Posted: 1 years ago
#10

Is there any other other solution to this?