July 6/7(?), 2021: "Fikar mat karna. Hum Pandya Store ko kuch nahi hone denge"
This is the first time anyone's ever stood beside Shiva. The first time someone's held his hand and told him it's okay to take a step back. That he's not alone. He's always burdened himself with the weight of the world. This is the first time he's found someone who's willing to support him, to stand by his side. Pehli baar Shiva ko kisi ne kaha hai 'main bhi hoon tere sath'
Pehli baar use koi aisa mila hai jise wo trust kar sake. Someone he can give himself to completely, wholeheartedly and someone he can rely on. He trusts Raavi. At the same time he feels responsible for her deteriorating relationship with her mother.. Her masi-ma, and that's why he's shocked, surprised to see her standing up for him. Shiva hamesha logon ko kehta aya hai ki tum fikar mat karo, mujh pe chodh do, par aj pehli baar use koi aisa mila hai jo use fikar karne se mana kar raha hai. Jo uske liye kisi aur se, apni hi ma se lad raha hai. Wo insaan Raavi hai. Shiva ke mann me Raavi ke liye izzat aur pyaar badh raha hai... Aur yahi izzat aur pyaar unhe kareeb layega.. For both Shiva and Raavi, this is a monumental step in their relationship.
July 10, 2021: "ππ ππππππππ πππ ππ... π΄πππ π
ππππ ππ ππππ ππππππ πππ
ππ πππ ππππ πππ.."
Been meaning to talk about this since the morning. He is so very obviously head over heels in love that somewhere deep down even he realises he's changing. He may not identify those feelings as love just yet but he's aware that her presence in his life matters to him. Thinking about her now, makes him smile- makes him laugh. Makes him happy. After all their misunderstandings, there is finally room for them to breathe and just take in each other's essence. To try to understand each other. However halting the next drunk Shiva/divorce track may be, it is essential for their relationship to progress. Slowly but surely Shiva is starting to realise that Raavi has an important place, not just in his life but in his heart.
July 12 & 13, 2021: Shiva was so hopelessly, desperately in love that he'd started to daydream about Raavi. So much so that he couldn't believe she's standing there with him in person. This is very symbolic of their relationship. Every time Raavi stands beside him, Shiva is taken aback.
Shiva has been dealing with a lot of insecurities ever since childhood. He's always been compared with Dev, made jokes about, called names. For the most part, he doesn't let it affect him. He said as much to Raavi, "(log mere bare me kya kehte hai isse) mujhe koi farak nahi padta aur tu bhi padana band kar de"
The thing is, now he's starting to change. Even he recognises that these feelings, this change is because of Raavi. Shiva is a person who wears his heart on his sleeve and doesn't hold grudges except when someone hurts his family. However his new changed feelings coupled with those of his insecurities- inadequacy, unworthy, is what he harbours deep within his heart and will eventually hurt him and Raavi both. Shiva is a lot of things, he doesn't realise, rather he doesn't feel or accept that he's worthy of love, of being loved. He feels responsible for tying Raavi to a loveless marriage even though it wasn't really his fault or his choice even. He feels burdened because he thinks he ruined her life. He doesn't know that Raavi has started to like him too. He isn't aware of Raavi standing up for him. He isn't aware of Raavi's journal entries about her Shiva. Shiva started to realise his feelings for Raavi. Nevertheless his mind was occupied with misery, self doubt and confusion. He questions himself repeatedly. He thought he isn't worthy of her. That he ruined her life by marrying her. This storm that engulfs Shiva's heart stems not only from his immense and deep love for her, but also from his bubbling insecurities, that have persisted within him since childhood. He doesn't think much of what others think about him, but what Raavi thinks about him matters to him. Raavi matters to him. He's plagued with the amalgam of so many emotions and desires and Kanwar Dhillon portrays it oh so beautifully. My heart breaks for Shiva. This is a testament to KD's gut wrenching performance as Shiva. It's so beautiful to watch on screen. Shiva's evolving feelings coupled with his insecurities, his feelings of being unworthy are coming to a head. Clashing within his heart. But you know what stands out to me? That even though he feels he's unworthy of her, in his heart, he holds Raavi at a greater place than himself. He thinks she's too good for him. That she deserves better. Better than him.
Even in his hungover state, Shiva cares so deeply about Raavi. He saw her shuddering from the cold and immediately went over and put the blanket on her. No matter how conflicting his emotions are, no matter what state he's in- he'll always put Raavi first. He'll always try to do what's best for her...
July 28, 2021: Raavi was trying to gain Shiva's attention. "Tujhe pata hai maine hi sabse pehle us chor ko dekha tha. Aur main to Rishita ki tarah dari bhi nahi. Fat se uske peeche bhagi" She was not only looking for consolation from her fear but she wanted him to be proud of her and praise her.
She was afraid so she asked him to face her and sleep. It's because his presence, his face- soothes and comforts her. She feels safe with him. Raavi knows Shiva has had her back many times, she knows he's saved her many times. She finds comfort and safety in him. She trusts him. And she has started to accept him. Whereas Shiva- he won't admit it but he's taken in by her antics. He loves his Chipkali for who she is. His smile while looking at her was EVERYTHING. He IS proud of her but he won't admit it. Him turning on her wasn't him trying to humiliate her, but him trying to put distance between him and her. Shiva Raavi ki achhaiyan janta hai. He knows her better than anybody else-that's why he thinks he's not worthy of her. That she's too good for him. These very same insecurities are what compel him to adamantly deny her.
Now there are way too many nuances with this right from August through December. And I think both Shiva and Raavi are two of the strongest characters in the show. But this thread is about Shiva so let me jump ahead a little into what I think was his state of mind back then.
August 18, 2021: "π»π ππππ πππππ ππ, ππ ππππ ππππ ππππ ππ πππππ
πππ ππππ ππππ ππππ πππ ππππ ππ.."
I.. feel like this is such an understated moment for Shiva and understated performance on behalf of KD. It takes so much talent and skill to be able to convey such deep emotions without having been given the liberty to express yourself fully by crying or breaking down. This sentence conveys so much. No body understands Shiva. No one in his family is even trying. He has to go through all this alone. He couldn't tell Raavi how he feels because to him it would never be possible for her to be happy with him. I feel like not enough people understand Shiva or what makes him-him. He's always been selfless, he's always been self sacrificing- that's why he would never let anyone know what's bothering him. Not even Raavi. He doesn't want to burden her. He never would. He never can. He was willing to live his life this way, because he wants to take it all on himself without giving a speck of worry to everybody else. However his feelings intervened in his intentions. He can't help himself. He likes her. He loves her. But he can't see her suffering. And because of that- he suffers himself. More than anyone else could ever make him suffer. Shiva is the person who has borne the sole responsibility of taking up everyone's pain and anguish but.. who has borne his?
At every step in the beginning, Shiva's reasons for leaving Raavi were selfless. When he thought that the only possible way to do something good for Raavi is to leave her, I think it really showed how he puts everyone above himself.
Shiva's act of defiance, of acting out, lashing out, being angry-is not out of rebellion, it's not out of selfishness but it's out of an act of service, an act of selfless, unconditional love. And I think that's why he decided to divorce her. He wants her to have a better future. A future with someone she could be happy with, someone who could make her happy, someone who understands her, someone who is compatible with her. He's doing all this to set her free, so she's not bound to a relationship she doesn't want. Shiva isn't a brute, he's not selfish, he's always been the most giving, the most selfless person the house. He didn't hesitate to say to Dhara to marry Raavi because of his unconditional love & respect for his bhabhi, but this time he didn't hesitate to give Raavi the divorce papers either-once again, out of love & respect for her. Even though it breaks him, even though it hurts him, even though he doesn't want to let her go... He must...for her sake he must let her go. Shiva Pandya is a man with many virtues & many vices but his selfless, giving nature remains the highlight of his personality which unfortunately gets taken advantage of, way too many times than I'd like to admit.
"Shayad ye rishta jabardasti chala bhi lete..par us se kya hota?"He's so broken,so hurt but still being so understanding & mature. This is the same level of maturity that Shiva showed on the wedding day when he agreed to hold Raavi's hand for a lifetime, just so she wouldn't be compelled to give her life. I love seeing a small glimpse of our old Shiva back. The mature, understanding Shiva that we all fell in love with. However, he's broken right now. "Dono ghut ghut ke mar jate. Jaanta hu ki parivaar ki khushi unke bachhon me hai.. hum dono ko apni zindagi me aage badhta dekh aur khushi se jeeta dekh na aap humare faisle par afsos nahi karoge" He's resigned himself to the fact that maybe being with his Chipkali, his Raavi is not in his fate. Despite that he's selflessly thinking about her future and her happiness. Even after being brutally slapped& degraded by his family-he's thinks about them. Their happiness.
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