AN: Hello all. This is Niki or Misty as you may all know me as. I have been following this show for a while and am active on the EDT. I am primarily a writer so when KriSa and specifically Kanha's character enraptured me, I thought it was time to begin writing. So here's my first work, in this forum. Something to look at the scenario through Nakul's eyes. Your comments would be really encouraging for me. Thanks, and enjoy!
OS: Late Night Conversation
How far can a mother hate her own child?
This was the thought that bothered him again and again as he made his way through the lonely roads on the outskirts of the city. The atmosphere at home had become so suffocating and dense, that he had taken a back seat for some respite from the tension that honestly had a whole physical presence.
And truthfully speaking, he himself had a tough time meandering his way through. It is easy to take sides when it was between your own people and the outside world. But things become murkier when both parties belong to the same family; specifically, your own family.
Was this how it was for the family members of the Pandavas and the Kauravas, Nakul wondered as he swiftly changed gears and turned towards the highway.
Nakul Chaudhury was the youngest son in the family. The youngest child, and as such the one who was allowed a lot of space in his childishness and childlike habits. He was adored, and loved both by his parents and also his siblings. And yet, in his entire life, he had perhaps been the closest to his brother.
Krishna Chaudhury! Or as he was called by all of his loved ones – Kanha.
Kanha Bhai was the second son of the family and the third child. They had an older sister who was the eldest in the family, followed by Chiru Bhaiya and then Kanha Bhai. His two older brothers, born just a few years apart were attached at the hip from the moment they could understand each other. Kanha Bhai idealized his older brother. There was nothing Chiru Bhaiya could do or say that was wrong. And it was not just him. Chiranjeev Chaudhury was the epitome of a perfect son, a perfect brother, and a perfect human being.
There was no one who could overlook Chiranjeev Chaudhury. With handsome features and a calm air around him, he had matured before his time to take on the responsibilities of his family. He was the support system of their father’s burdened shoulders and the delight of their grandfather’s expectations. More than that he was the apple of their mother’s eye and the fruit of all her aspirations and hopes. Their mother’s world revolved around her eldest son and nothing could distract her from it. But, that did not mean that she ignored her other children. Even imagining that would be a lie.
Because other things apart, Saroj Chaudhury was a diligent and dedicated mother. She loved and cared for all her children, even her stepdaughter from her husband’s first marriage. Yet, perhaps, there was something extra from her side for her eldest child. For he was, in a way, the first thing she could call her own.
Nakul would never understand it. But it was what Kanha Bhai had said. He had the habit of defending their mother’s actions in a manner, that they almost felt realistic. In the past, whenever Nakul used to be miffed about this treatment, Kanha Bhai used to take him away and explain how alienating it was for a woman to suddenly leave her own home and come to someone else’s place. It was a tough job for a woman to begin again from scratch, adjusting to people she had no idea of. It was terrible; sacrificing many of her own wishes to compromise for strangers who are supposed to be her new family. As such for a woman, her first child is a whole different matter. For the first time, after beginning a new journey, she has someone who is wholly hers; completely and forever hers. Another human who will always love her and this in a way withers away her alienation. Because in the past marriages had a lot of restrictions on women. Thereby, Kanha Bhai used to say, Chiru Bhaiya was the fulfillment of their mother’s identity. He was a part of her and she was no doubt partial to him for that.
Nakul had ignored that with his usual tendency of feigning deafness whenever Kanha Bhai lectured. Either he would be too upset to bother or something else had caught his attention already. But it did not mean that he disregarded what his brother had said. He may not have understood it well but these lectures had cultivated in him an understanding that Kanha Bhai was a very different person. In fact, there were two different people inside his second elder brother. One was the playful and happy self that mostly stayed in front of the world. And the other was the mature and insightful self that would remain shielded by his sunny personality, most of the time.
Take all the Chaudhury children in a row, even as young kids but the only one who would remain in the mind of even strangers would be the colourful and vivacious personality of Kanha. Nakul could readily admit without any sense of hesitation or complexity, that Kanha Bhai was a sight to be seen. The way anyone could sense the perfect poise of Chiru Bhaiya, everyone from the oldest of eyes to young infants could sense the warmth that Kanha Bhai radiated. He was like a perpetual solar heater with his warm smiles, laughing eyes, sunny personality, and of course a happy way of looking at the world. He loved his life and lived it well. That was his only philosophy.
And of course, pranking his rival.
A hint of a smile flitted across his lips. Kanha Bhai had some constants in life. Of that one was forever pranking and troubling the girl he had declared to be his rival since his childhood.
Sayuri Sharma!
The daughter of their father’s best friend and his mother’s most hated enemy. It was no wonder that this contradiction had manifested as Kanha Bhai’s obsession when he himself was such a unique piece. But whatever it may be, his brother had always remained near about always focused on his rival; making sure to shadow each moment of her life, trouble her in each and every step, and of course, make his presence known for it. There was an ever-present interference that Kanha Bhai did in her life and Sayuri Sharma, as expected despised him for it. And thus, their rivalry was fueled.
Remembering their lives a few months ago was like looking at a film with a whole different context because in just six months; everything had changed.
His smile withered and darkness descended on him. He slammed on the break and eased the clutch. The car swerved into a gentle stop. Unlatching the door, he stepped out to the yawning valley of the Natural retreat.
Locking the car, he walked forwards, and the cool minty breeze ruffled his locks. The night was dark and silent. And yet, he felt at peace.
There was no noise, no interruption, and definitely no suffocation here.
Here, he could think.
Chiru Bhaiya’s unexpected death had thrown the entire family into a sudden crisis. All of a sudden, it was as if they had lost their backbone. The heir was dead and the foundation was broken. Their father had shrunken and their mother had nearly lost herself to a kind of madness. Kusum Di had wailed and cried for days and he had latched himself to his brother's dead body, unable to let him go. Their grandfather had gone still and silent; it was only later that he understood, that those old experienced eyes were fixed on somebody else.
In their overwhelming grief, everyone had forgotten the person who had to carry his brother’s last moments with him. They had all overlooked the trauma that Kanha Bhai had carried and nurtured inside him. For he was the one who had been there with Chiru Bhaiya at the time of the accident and Nakul would never be able to comprehend the despair and helplessness he must have felt.
It was no wonder, really, Nakul thought, that Kanha Bhai had lost his laughter.
And so he had lost two brothers in one swoop. Chiru Bhaiya was dead and something in Kanha Bhai had died too. Krishna Chaudhury had to take up the reins and things were not the same anymore. He drove himself into work and sacrificed everything that had once made him unique; Albelaa, as people had called him. Instead, he had transformed into a workaholic who would spend the entire day in the office and return home to get stuck in uncomfortable situations between his mother and his wife.
Not a moment's peace!
Sometimes, deep into the night, like the one today, Nakul would gain the courage to accuse his dead brother. It was not something he ever voiced out aloud. After all, no one needed any more drama. But sometimes, in secret, he would give words to his feelings.
“You should have taken Kanha Bhai with you if this was what you planned when you put him in this mess,” Nakul swore as he glared at the starry sky. He swallowed and pursed his lips. “What was the use of letting him live a half-life? You went away and sucked the life out of him.”
His breath went out and his heart thundered loudly, as it did whenever he confronted his deepest feelings for his eldest brother.
His eyes took on a wet sheen. “Don’t you see what you have done? How could you do this? You never make any mistakes. Then how?” he trailed away, lost in thoughts as memories of the afternoon drifted to him.
“I f-fell w-weak,” Kanha cried out, his face scrunched up in despair. His hands trembled and his frame shook as he stared at Nakul with wet eyes. “I knew it was wrong, but I went weak in f-front of his stubbornness. I c-could n-not say N-No. I am sorry. It is a-all m-my f-fault.”
Nakul shook his head to get rid of his brother’s cries from his ears. It was as if it kept on playing like a broken record, again and again.
“First the struggle to get Maa’s acceptance,” he drawled looking upwards, “then the Kundali drama, and finally the insistence to go out on your wedding day.” He kicked a stone sending it sprawling towards the edge of the valley.
“You did it everywhere didn’t you?” he scoffed as he closed his eyes. “Kanha Bhai has no idea. But you did. You knew how it would hurt his and Maa’s relationship. Seriously, isn’t it funny that you had an affair with the girl Maa hated, and yet she despised and blamed Kanha Bhai all the while participating in the marriage for you? She had not a word to say against you. Again, the anger and all the negativity were served to Kanha Bhai. Did you know, she hit him on the night we did the temple drama? Did you know? Or did you not? Or maybe you did not care?”
The grass rustled in the breeze and crickets swarmed the valley.
Nakul Chaudhury took a deep breath and looked at his watch. It was already an hour past ten. He had better reach home or it will be another thing to be blamed on his brother.
As he stepped towards his car, one last thought struck his mind. He turned and looked to the skies. “You used him Chiru Bhaiya,” he spoke out clearly. “Not because you hated him. I know you loved him too. But you used him because you were too afraid to fight for your love. Your feared losing Maa and Sayuri. And now, because of you, Kanha Bhai is fighting a battle for a mother who despises him and is determined to hurt him as much as possible and a wife, who is indifferent to him.”
He took a step backward. “But don’t worry. I am not you. Neither am I Kanha Bhai. And so, I will make sure none of you can hurt him anymore. Not you, nor Maa and nor Sayuri….Sayuri Bhabi either,” he promised.
The door of the car closed with a silent thud and the engine revved up. The headlights flared and it backed away, slowly turning into the other direction, and finally drove into the night.
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