Hanita OS: Afraid

Afraid

"Ji, humne toh aap se pehle hi kaha hai. Mhaare liye Veer Balika aur aap hamesha first honge. Toh phir aap..."

"Toh phir aur kya karoon?" Babita snapped. "Aap hi bataye mujhe. Maa aur papa ne kaha ki meri khushi unke liye sab se zyaada important hai. Aur unho ne kya kiya? Meri marzi ke kilaaf kar kardi meri shaadi. Teekh hai, shaadi hogayi. Phere lete waqt, Ashok ne bohot saare saath jeene aur marne ki kasme kayi. Par hua kya? Ek mahine ke andar chala gaya woh London. Mil gayi usse Meeta, naye kasmein kaane ke liye. Aur Beeji aur Papaji? Unhe Babita thodi, ek naukrani chahi thi jo unki din raat seva kar sake." She laughed dryly, "Mujhse toh yeh samjaya gaya tha, ki sasural se sirf bahuo ki arthi uthi hai. Toh uth gayi meri," She cried wryly, "satara saalon baad." Defeated, she added, "Ek bhai tha par woh bhi..."

Hanuman clasped his hands behind his back and lowered his head.

"Yeh jo hamesha wale vaade hai na," Babita choked out, "inka ab ko mol ni raha mere liye."

With reddened eyes, Hanuman desperately looked at her. "Toh phir aap hi bata di jiye. Aisa kya karoon jisse aap ko mhaare pyaar par yakeen aa jaye."

A part of Babita's soul cracked and drifted away from her. A deep rooted shame took place of her adrift soul instead. What did she want from him? On one hand, she claims she loves and wants him and on the other, she harbors the fear that he'll turn out just like everyone else - a traitor.

She clasped her hands tightly to keep herself from shaking. It wasn't of much use since fat tears still spilled out of her eyes and her body trembled with minute vibrations.

It was a fair question to ask. What did she want? If she couldn't give him an answer, then well, that in and of itself was a response of sorts. If he can't give her anything that will make her happy or truly alleviate her of her fears, then what was the point of them getting into a relationship?

Babita shook her head and wiped her tears. She wanted her history to be erased. She wanted to be rid of all the lonely nights she had to spend on her own. All the tears, taunts and emotional abuse to be taken back and never come to her doorstep again.

She glanced at Hanuman dejectedly. Can he give her all of that? Would it be right of her to expect such a thing from him? It didn't seem fair to put all that responsibility on him. Maybe the best thing would be for them to stay in their separate lanes.

Babita thought back to how her heart had ached for him when he had gone to Chandigarh. Standing right now in front of him, with their relationship on the precipice of being broken forever, it hurt worse than before.

But did he have to do anything special? After all, hadn't she come to love him without him having to do anything above and beyond? Her shoulders relaxed as she thought of his simplicity, and generous heart. Was she ready to give all of that up just because she was afraid?

"Kya socha aap ne?" Hanuman asked expectantly.

Babita wrung her hands tightly. She knew she had to give him an answer but she was scared to tell him anything at this point. What if he wasn't able to understand how her fears were starting to mix with one another?

"Kuch ni." She answered truthfully.

Hanuman nodded his head in understanding.

Digging her nails into her elbows, she clarified, "Aap ko kuch karne ki zaroorat ni." She looked at him with expectant eyes, "Aap jaise hai, vaise rehna." Her voice cracked, as she made her request. "Aap badal mat jaana. Agar aap bhi badal gaye, toh sahan ni payungi."

Hanuman's hands broke free from his tight grip behind him and his face fell. Taking quick strides towards her, he had extended his hands to wipe her tears but stopped himself. 

"Kabhi ni badalunga. Agar aap ko lage ki mein bhatak ra hoon, toh sahi raaste par la di jiye ga. Itna haq hai aap ko."

Something snapped in Babita. She wasn't entirely sure as to what it was but it was a heavy loss that she wasn't going to miss anytime soon.

Pulling out his handkerchief from his pocket, Hanuman gently offered it to her. She gingerly accepted it, and dabbed away her tears. Whilst returning it, she paused to see that it was the same handkerchief that she had embroidered for him. She looked at him and saw a soft blush redden his cheeks. She handed the handkerchief back to him and blushed herself when their fingers brushed against each other. It was for a brief moment but it sent a sharp tingle down her body.

Breathing deeply, she turned around. They had merely touched fingertips and she was so heavily affected. She was scared to know what will happen to her if anything more was to happen. Did she want something more? Trembling, she dared to take a peek at him. He smiled at her softly but she was too lost in his eyes to take much notice of it. She was once again apprehensive of what she saw in them. Those hopes, those dreams, those promises - what if they all turned out to be false again?

She looked away, not wanting to set up any more expectations for herself. But she had to give him a chance at some point. It wouldn't be right to lead him on like this if her heart wasn't in it. The heaviness that had lifted away from her was slowly coming back to her. Panicking, she stepped away from Hanuman. Inhaling a sharp breath, she closed her eyes.

"Aap-"

"Mujhe time chahiye." Babita interrupted. Her heart was beating at a rapid pace. "Mujhe, aap please," Unable to finish her sentence, she ran upstairs.

Shutting her bedroom door, she leaned against it, and tried to calm her heart. She took in deep breaths but it did nothing. Fears - she was beginning to have a lot more of them than she liked. She tried to find the courage that propelled her to take on the initiative of starting her own catering service. Or the bravery when she had fought her own divorce case.

Babita stilled when she thought about that. She fought for her own divorce and won. If she could do that, then why is she so scared to chase her own happiness? Why is she hesitating so much from grabbing hold of the one man whom she knows for a fact will keep her happy at all costs. In the short time he has known Babita, he has never once asked for anything in return. Even when it came to his love, he wasn't being selfish. So why is she rejecting him in such a harsh manner? She knows she will never encounter such a selfless love again, so why wasn't she grabbing it with both hands right now? If she doesn't want him to go away then she shouldn't be so afraid of keeping him around.

She turned around, leaning her head against the closed doors. She had half a mind to open it and run into his arms, but the other half couldn't bring her to do it. She wasn't just scared anymore, she was terrified.

A knock on the door startled her. She took a step back as it slowly opened inwards. She trembled seeing Hanuman standing in front of her. His concern rattled her. When he reached out to cup her cheek, she closed her eyes. Tears slid but she held onto his hand. She grasped it tightly, once again fearing, she would collapse if not for his support. Sliding his hand towards the back of her head, he pulled her forward into a hug. Her entire body started to shake fearing the strong feelings she was developing for him. She wouldn't even dare to deny their intensity. She scratched at his chest, curling both her fingers and toes as she tried to cozy up closer to him. It will be wrong of her to ask him to take away all her fears but that's all she wanted right now. To be free of the shackles that are placed so tightly around her.

Hanuman's hands came to wrap themselves around her body and hold her tight. She focused on the rise and fall of his chest to calm herself. He prevented his body from shaking but there were still minute tremors running through her neck and head.  

"Aap itne stress kyun lete ho?" He quietly asked. "Aap janti hai ni ki yeh sahet ke liye bura hai."

She breathed deeply, feeling ashamed. Holding her head in his hands, he lifted it so that he can clearly see what was going on. She wanted to look away so that he couldn't see the shame she held but he refused to let her do so. She trembled again upon having him be so close to her.

Swiping a thumb underneath her cheek, he requested her, "Please, apne aap ko itni takleef mat di jiye. Acha na laage mhaare ko."

Babita froze. He was asking her something for the very first time and even then it wasn't about himself. How did she get so lucky to have met someone like him? Become friends with, and then had the fortune of falling in love with?

She didn't dare question her fortune this time. Instead, she hugged him tightly as if she had all the rights in the world to do so. If anyone tried to protest, she wouldn't hesitate to fight against them. A faint smile adorned her lips. That confidence that was lacking from previously, was slowly starting to emerge within her. Why should she be scared when Hanuman himself was giving her all rights over him. To hug him, to love him, to be with him. He was giving her all that and more. So why shouldn't she take it?