Adultery vs rape

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Posted: 2018-09-18T09:38:43Z
Hi!
I have never in my life compared and weighed which is more wrong.. Adultery or rape. Both are wrong, heinous and the most despicable thing which can be done to a person. But then I watched this  wretched serial & read some discussions here, for the first time I am comparing which is worst. Now before coming to me with pitchforks and fire, I am not comparing the act itself or consent or motive which is associated with the act. I am discussing from the Victim's or a better word, Survivor's POV... whether their plight can be compared or not  

Writers presented 2 women-
one woman is victim of abuse and marital rape
other is a victim of adultery and double betrayal(bff & husband)

Some fans believe Nandini's history of suffering abuse and marital rape  excuse/justify her actions or at least feel that she deserve sympathy. Even after EMA, even after witnessing Mauli's whole world crashing down, some feel that Mauli's suffering is minimal compared to Nandini's plight reasoning that rape is more heinous than adultery. From these arguments I conclude that some think a  Rape survivor suffers much more than a victim of adultery. Is it true? 
Does being cheated on  by a husband of many years, feels less worse than Rape? I don't know.. I think only person who will know this is the one who suffered both but I really hope that no one had such a fate.

Rape can break people's soul.  It leads to varied emotions in the survivors ranging from anger to disgust. The middle aged guy who rubs me 'accidently' in a bus can make me nauseous and smothered. So I can't even imagine the plight of a rape survivor, to be violated to such an extent, the subsequent trauma they face and yes, it requires hell lot of strength to come out of it. I don't think anyone think otherwise

But adultery... a betrayal of trust, love.. can we say its victim's' suffering is as severe as rape victim? The extent of pain and betrayal will vary among victims. But we can safely say that Mauli suffered the worst kind. Some females take years to come back from the trauma and infact never fully recover from the betrayal.  When your husband of many years cheat u,  especially like in Mauli's case, u start to wonder whether the life u lived was a lie. U will feel your husband is a stranger.. They start to question their worth and their confidence decreases. I  had read once in quora that a female felt violated after learning that her husband was cheating on her (https://www.quora.com/Is-it-normal-to-feel-violated-after-being-cheated-on-How-do-I-recover).  In some extreme cases some people do commit suicide unable to live with the pain but sadly no one get punished (https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1524508/Wife-killed-herself-after-husbands-affair-with-best-friend.html)

I am in no way minimizing rape survivors plight... I am just wondering whether a infidelity survivor suffer as much 
 

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Posted: 2018-09-18T10:03:08Z
Hi, lovely post.  I partially agree with you as I also believe that betrayal can also be soul crushing and w shouldn't downplay its effects on the betrayed. Getting betrayed by someone you love and have respect for makes you very insecure, as you said. As for rape, i dont think anyone needs to be told that its a heinous crime that leaves victims physically, psychologically and emotionally damaged. 
But I just want to ask is it really necessary that we compare these two pains? Like how does it matter? We are already saying that N's traumatic past does not justify what shes done to M. But its not because N's suffering weren't painful enough. N suffered a lot and M is going through similiar pain. It might not be the same situation but its equally painful. 

So, yeah, I dont think we should or need to compare the womens' pain. Its not the case of "mere dard tere dard se badi hai". Both have been through a lot but how they process their pain and how they move on in theiir lives will determine what kind of people they are (sadly, N's moving on in life has been so disgusting). 
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Posted: 2018-09-18T10:04:55Z
Agree, came across some comments here like the trauma of rape is a billion times more than Adultery.

But,  How can we generalize like this??? Doesn't the trauma depends on the type and nature of a person?? 
There are rape victims who stood strong and overcome the trauma and lead a successful life. Same way, there are cases where EMA victims being sensitive, not able to come out that trauma for years. And vise-versa.
Then how can we generalize that trauma of rape is a billion times more?? No one is less or more, it depends on the person who and how they are handling it. But, unfortunately, as we can't measure the emotional trauma in ema, is it any less to rape victim's trauma in which case they[even law] do consider physical damage. 

Even in the show, Kunal said that Mauli is strong so she won't think of other ways to end her life. Means if a person is strong her emotional pain and trauma is considered as less? what happens if Mauli is a weak and very sensitive person? 

Saying this, coz came across a victim of EMA my closed one, who can't lead a normal life and still in a bad state even after years of affair exposed. Have seen ppl advising her like, we won't cut off our legs when we accidentally step into shit, instead we clean it and move on, consider it as an accident. But, she was in altogether different state that, even in that case if someone/unknown person is causing the damage she can bear and come out as that person doesn't matter to her, but in her case it's her own husband who lived with her for years, shared everything and after being emotionally invested it's difficult for her to take this betrayal, to see the reality and feeling cheated badly, she is still suffering. [Which she should not]. Her pov is also wrong[but, can't ignore completely] as it's like the grass is greener on the other side, but her suffering and pain are real, she got struct at that point of her life, she literally lost her confidence in her. She should come out of that and move on.
My point is, since we can't measure emotional trauma due to cheating, we can't underestimate thatOuch

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Posted: 2018-09-18T10:30:55Z
I have spent the whole afternoon on this topic LOL

I honestly dont think people shud be weighing both the crimes! Both shatters the soul of the person involved and both the cases the traumas are of level u cant fathom or explain unless u are in their shoes

If rape literally objectifies a woman...kills her soul and confidence and self respect..makes her feel ugly about herself...and leaves her in a trauma, in an ema It kills a girl's very soul because the betrayal here is from someone she consideres the partner for lifetime and has invested so many emotions and dreams! Isnt it not using her and throwing her away after the guy got bored with her..even tat is objectification only

Both the crimes leaves the victim in a state which we cannot say is better or worse than something...i so really dint like how infidelity was considered trivial compared to rape..a crime is a crime and there is no sizing tat we shud do abt it..each leaves the victim in a state which is traumatic and devastating in their own ways

Having said dat..it comes down to how the victim actually survives their respective traumas...rape victims may or maynot be strong enuf to continue their life leaving behind things..same goes to the ema victims..but at the end of the day both the victims wont be the same like before..both of them will have tat pain and hollowness in them for lifetime which will change them as a person for life!!
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Posted: 2018-09-18T10:44:34Z
@dumpedgirl2013
I know..that post conversations made me to think about this issue. On face value, it appears ridiculous to compare rape and adultery. But when we think about the victims and what they go through, is it thaaat wrong to compare both
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Posted: 2018-09-18T10:45:22Z
@looseseal
 Thank you for your replySmile yes u r right. There is no need to compare their plight. But as i mentioned in my post, I saw some fans claim that adultery is in no way comparable to rape and even thinking of comparing their after effects on survivors is preposterous. Its like whatever Mauli suffer is  always less than what N went through.   As if one person's suffering becomes a scale for measuring another person's suffering. And I feel even writers use N's abuse as a excuse/justification to EMA...(its like whatever  N does, please feel sorry for her... u know she has been abused)
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Posted: 2018-09-18T10:45:36Z
It comes down to the severity of the trauma, and the long term effects suffered by the victim. Both adultery and rape lead to trauma. this is a fact. There are rape victims that can still lead normal lives  after years of therapy/counseling and move on, while there victims of Adultery who can not and resort to suicide as only resort.
Weighing a person's trauma as much more than another on this fallacy of  cause is dumbest argument anyone can ever make. <--Especially a sensible one.  


Edited by Sarahbelle - 2018-09-18T10:49:34Z
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Posted: 2018-09-18T10:48:35Z
I don't think crimes should be compared. I mean we can't choose which is worse killing a child or killing an old person. Both are horrible in its own way. Rape is a trauma that makes a person disgusted with his/her own body. I am a med student in a govt college and have seen a couple of case in which the girl was disgusted by her own body and scratched it so badly blood came out. She told the doctors that she could always feel the sensation of his hands on her and it made her feel repulsive towards anyone who attempted to touch her. 
So the writers are really handling the situation of domestic violence and abuse very lightly. People need help before they even start to think about physical intimacy. 
Here Nandini is not shown having any such problems. And that's the reason why a character who could have gotten all the sympathy in the world is being hated the most. 

As for being cheated on is more to do with mental damage. People stop trusting and believing in anyone. They close themselves to the world and start distancing themselves from any emotional confrontation. Their self confidence becomes very low. It takes a lot of effort and inner strength to get up and shine again. Some are able to do it, some remain the under confident all their life. 

I am just stating my view point so it's OK if you don't agree, but I think rape victims suffer more. That's because I have seen them in hospitals and seen the way they behave. It's so heart breaking just to see their blank vacant faces. And here in India even the family members stop making eye contact with the victim. It's disgusting but still the truth in India. When a person is cheated on then at least he / she has sympathy of the society in general. But in Indian society a woman who has been a victim to rape and abuse is seen in a way as if it was her fault. She is not allowed to step out of the house and lives her life facing comments and questions. 




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