Posted:
Om,
I think it's time I let you go. It's hard, not being able to interfere, not being able to be your wall, to shield you from all that have been troubling you. At times a part of me tells me that I have failed you as your brother and guilt consumes me. But then I hear you telling me that it is not my fault, it was only a matter of time and the rational part of my mind agrees with you. I do not know if I have failed you, I do not know if this is good or bad but I do know that I was not happy.
I was not happy. I was not happy that I was losing you to the realities of the world. I was not happy that despite my constant attempts at keeping you away from the dark, you were surrounded by it. I was not happy that you were coming out of your shell and facing the world where you are more prone to danger, more prone to get hurt. I was not happy that you had hardened yourself or rather forced yourself to harden. More than anything I was not happy that you felt being a Shivaay Singh Oberoi was the solution to all your problems and everyone else's. And guilt rang in my ears, "Your fault" it said.
I am a proud man Om, very proud but I was always a man who was well aware of his pros and cons. I know my faults. I know what I lack but I have always been proud of my faults as well. And you embodied all the virtues I lacked. You were my moral compass. Funnily enough, most human beings have their moral compasses, if at all they have one, inside of them. But that sums up our relationship doesn't It? You and Rudra are inside of me. But when you said you should have been me, something broke inside me. Shivaay should be Shivaay, Om should be Om and Rudra should be Rudra shouldn't we? That's how this should work. Then I saw you, your hair drawn back, discussing business with the same mouth you once used to recite poems, which although went over my head always used to bring a smile to my lips, I understood. It was fitting .
I wasn't happy but it looked fitting. You always had an uncanny knack at accomplishing things when you set your heart to it. You were a brilliant Artist because you lived for it quite unlike most of us who lived out of our trade. And now when you joined business, something you had refused to do all your life, I see you setting your heart on your mind. I do not see myself in you , rather I see a different man, a seasoned player in the game of deals and I wonder if I will ever see the boy who often broke down on my shoulders, the boy I always held close to my heart, whose hair I would stroke lovingly in attempt to calm him. And then with a sardonic smile I acknowledge that the boy is no more, that the man before me has replaced him and that time has fled. You've grown up and it was as simple as that. You don't need me to fight your battles anymore, though I want to. I am not happy but it is fitting.
I wish you smiled more often. I know it is something absurd to wish for when I know what is happening around you and inside of you but I wish for it all the same. I had expected you to smile at me and I was hurt when you didn't. I am hoping that Rudra would bring a smile, if he couldn't I don't know who could. I fear for you Om. Some times this irrational fear grips me that we are losing you, me and Rudra. And I see you speaking fewer words, smiling lesser each passing day and the fear grows. But my heart tells me that you can't go far away from us and I am learning to trust my heart.
This would seem childish but how I wish I could go back an year and freeze time. I miss you dearly Om and I cannot see Rudra growing up. Today you've grown up , you don't need me to take care of you anymore and tomorrow it will be Rudra. But I hope when Rudra grows up, he will look up to you for an example and not me because I believe you are doing it right Om, it may not seem so now but I think it will soon.
I may sound like a hurt parent who is having a difficult time dealing with his children coming of age but that is because I am one. Being an elder brother to you was very much like being your father and it was rewarding. I am proud of you Om. You have always been my pride and I am sure that you'll always do me proud no matter who you are or who you'll become. And I love you brother, I need you to remember that. I am here for you whenever you need me and always will be. But nonetheless I am letting you go.
With Love.
Shivaay.
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