Posted:
The episode gave me feels, angsty yet hopeful feels. So here you go.
My eyes
fill with tears, and my heart clenches, and I can feel them coming. I
bite my tongue, trying to hold the tears that threaten to leave my eyes, when
I cry it is never a neat trickle that falls from my eyes. It begins with a
heavy feeling in my chest and a lingering sadness in my brain that makes me
feel numb. The salty water that leaks from my eyes is the way my body copes
with the turmoil inside, I can feel it happening - I feel the warmth, sliding
down my cheek and rolling off my chin, and suddenly my whole face feels warm
and my eyes flood.
His arms immediately go around me and my legs crumble, he
holds me up like an anchor of a drowning ship, he tucks me into the crook of
his neck and I can feel the moisture seep into his maroon shirt, my fingers
dig into the fabric, like I am trying to anchor him to me, so he doesn't leave, not again. I try to stop crying,
I try to speak, to tell him to stay, but it's like someone is choking me, the
words won't leave my mouth. He pulls me even closer and I can feel his fingers
gently running through my hair.
The sadness seemed to flow through my veins faster than
blood, like a poison that kills off all other feelings to let only sadness remain like a blanket atop of me. I couldn't see the bright sun, feel its warmth or
hear the birds anymore, the world seemed to be disappearing, but his strong
heart beat under my ear keeps me there.
If anyone walked in that minute they would have been taken
aback by the scene, standing in the middle of his room, with arms around each
other, were the two of us. But there was this horrible sound around us, that I
couldn't pinpoint.
"Sumo, shhh." He whispers, his voice sounds hoarse, and I
recognize it instantly, it's what his voice always sounds like before he cries.
"Don't go." I whisper into his shirt, the shoulder of his
shirt is almost brown after being soaked through with my tears. I want to say
more, I want to tell him that he can't leave me again, that I won't be able to
deal with it this time, that I needed him in my life, that he was more than
just a friend- but I couldn't.
"I h-have to." His voice cracks and I can hear the sadness
in his voice, I can feel the warm tears in my hair, and it breaks me because I know. I know why he's leaving; I know
how important his family is to him. I know
but I don't want to think about it. I want him to stay, right here, with his
arms around me, forever.
"Please." I whisper one last try, hoping that something
would change. The word hangs in the air, it is swallowed by my sobs and his
sniffles. He says nothing, but I feel him place a kiss atop my head and his arms
wrap tightly around me.
X-X-X-X
My heart twists in my chest as soon as the first tear falls
from her red-rimmed eyes and rolls down her flushed cheeks. And when the sound
of her sobbing reaches my ear I can't do anything but close the distance
between us and hold her tight in my arms. It doesn't stop her cries, her face
is resting on my shoulder, her tears are soaking through my shirt as a poignant
reminder of how much this is hurting her.
She cares. She
doesn't want me to leave, that much is clear. And I want to stay, I want to
stay and see where this goes, where we go. Because I know that we're on a
path somewhere between best friends and lovers, and I know leaving now stops us
right where we are and over time we'd walk backwards. I don't want that because I know that my heart will never stop loving her and being away from her again would hurt more than anything in the world. But I
can't help it.
"Sumo, shhh." I whisper, my voice sounds foreign to my own
ears, I can hear the sadness in my voice.
"Don't go." She whispers into my shirt and my heart twists,
I don't want to go, I want to stay.
"I h-have to go." My voice cracks, I want to scream, I want
to tell her that I love her. I want to tell her that I have to go, but I want
her to come with me. But how can I? She doesn't even know that I love her, and
as much as I want to tell her I can't, not now, not before I leave and I know that if I can't tell
her now I won't be able to tell her ever.
"Please." She whispers, her voice sounds so desperate, and I
consider staying - but then I remember my dad's words...keeping the family
together.
"I need to go...so everyone stays together." I say.
"You're leaving, that's not keeping the family together."
She chokes out.
"I don't know what to do." I can feel the helplessness that
is so evident in my voice and I break down, it is a long time coming, it was
the first time I felt the sobs wrack my body in ten years.
X-X-X-X
When he cries there is a rawness to it, like the pain is an
open wound that is burning. He usually clasped onto something for support,
anything, usually furniture before his whole body would start shaking. And
right now, I was that support. His sobs were quiet at first, I knew he was
trying to hide his tears but then he breaks, all his defences wash away and all that
is left is him and his feelings. I pull back and the grief on his face pierces my heart.
Somewhere I knew that he was crying for a lot more than just leaving, his face
was of someone who had suffered for years and didn't know if he could do it
again.
His crying was both ferocious and quiet, his eyes turned red
and his thick lashes stuck together in clumps, the tears made wet tracks down
his face and disappeared into his stubble only to run down his neck again. I
could feel his hands open and close, rhythmically clenching as if he was trying
to grasp something that would make
things better.
Seeing him like this
somehow quietens my own sobs, but the tears still run down my face in a silent
stream. "A few more days." I whisper holding his face between my hands, I can
feel his wet beard against my palms. His eyes meet mine, and I want to scream
because it's like I am feeling the pain in his eyes "We'll figure something
out, we always do, together." I say looking him in the eye, I don't know what
he sees in my eyes but he nods.
X-X-X-X
And as always, it's time for shameless plugs, check out my writing index here. All the other stories are fluff galore if this one makes you feel sad!
comment:
p_commentcount