||Fiery Falcons:English Assignment-A Parody||

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Posted: 6 years ago

Edited by .MysticalWaters - 6 years ago
Posted: 6 years ago

Task: Writing a parody.

Assigned scene: Elizabeth and Darcy meet at the ball (Pride and Prejudice)

We are definitely not anything like Jane Austen, neither do we claim to be.  We do not intend to hurt the sentiments of anyone by this piece. This is purely meant for humor and fun.

Pride, Prejudice and Puppies.

The world is, beyond any doubt crammed with creatures of the strangest personalities and that includes Homo sapiens too. I consider it a catastrophe to be a part of a society where the manners and fashions of ample is nothing but fatuity. The Meryton ball is nothing exceptional. I wonder how Bingley keeps up with back-to-back dances; If I were he, I'd be dead. Moreover, I find it highly impolite to associate myself with members other than that of my high society. I had to watch out for my naive friend or else he'd be in the clutches of a something worse than death, and by the looks of it he already might be.

Bingley smiled as he approached me, "Darcy, you need to dance. You look foolish anyway, but you look less foolish when you dance. Therefore, I shall have you dance." There he goes again!

I gave him that look, from which he ought to understand, however I as always, forced to speak up, "I'd rather have my shoes dirty than dance with a woman who I am not acquainted with. The book, Rich and only sons guide to developing a superiority complex' clearly says do not dance with a woman unless you know her for a duration of 32 hours. I'd let you gag, blindfold and behead me than making me dance."

Bingley waved his hand, "Don't be a crybaby Darcy. There are many beautiful girls here. I am dancing with the most beautiful girl in the room, but her sister might make it for the second most beautiful girl in the room and she's sitting right behind you."

Crybaby? Ouch buddy, that hurts!

I won't fit in the description of a crybaby. Few others might. Yes, don't press it. I mean Wichkam.

I directed my gaze the way Bingley's pointed his fingers. I hardly needed a look because even if she, whoever she was turns out to be a nymph my answer would be an asserted negative. I never deviate away from the reliable guidance bestowed by Rich and only sons guide to developing a superiority complex.

"Beautiful? That thing? You need to visit the doctor. If she's not good enough for the commoners, how can she be tolerable for me?"

"Come on Darcy" Bingley patted me on the back, causing me to cough and I highly suspected then that it would result in a chronic lung disorder. "Be a man!"

I am already a man, am I not? Rich and only sons guide to developing a superiority complex rule one says never change your decisions.

Mrs Bennet could have kept her detestable manners to herself but she neared herself to us, "Oh Mr. Darcy! My Lizzy is irrevocably pretty. It must be those cheap lights! These people must have done it designedly to make my daughter look uncute. Even though you irritate my nerves, ten thousand a year would make up for it. Therefore, you have my permission for dancing with my daughter and more." Did she expect me to marry her daughter?

I rolled my eyes until they bounced out, I should mention that it required several weeks of extensive care to retrieve them to their original position.
Well if she amused Bingley so much why couldn't he dance with her? I tilt my angle 45 degrees to the right and I see his partner flashing all her teeth at him.

Bingley didn't miss a chance to degrade me with his choices "She is arrogant and biased. She'd be perfect for a prude like you, and she looks so cute with those puppies!"

Not puppies!
Why puppies?

I shook my head, "Puppies? Heaven forbid puppies! Are they, even allowed here? They are the most insolent creatures ever! A girl with puppies you say

Elizabeth looked aghast, "You jerk! You insult me I take it, because you are a narcissistic partially blind freak but one more word about my puppies and I'll stick a fork down your throat."

I thought she couldn't speak, but that woman is crazy, well, maybe not as crazy as her mother.

I'm afraid the disarray of my thoughts reflected in my tone, "Miss... err, what was your name again?"

"Miss Elizabeth Bennet." Bingley prompted.

I nodded," Oh Yeah, that. I mean no dishonor, to myself, that is. You are not tempting material and puppies are unaesthetic, creepy, muddy..."

Elizabeth stuck her chin up," Speak no more, your dislike for puppies are reason enough for me to rejoice at me not tempting you. The thought of tempting a man who detests puppies would kill me."

Technically speaking she couldn't kill me now, but as a means of exaggeration her usage sounded apt. Not many girls have access to such adorned ways of speaking.

"Have no fears, I am kinder to myself than you think." I teased her. Rich and only sons guide to developing a superiority complex didn't forbid me from teasing.

"Egocentric!" How could she look into my handsome face and call me that.
"Your opinions are prejudiced, I presume." I stated.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, "They are prejudiced for the common interest of the most-trustworthy species on the earth."


Mrs Bennet who at all times believed that she possess every right to stick her head in every conversation made it a point to express her feelings"Lizzy, he earns ten thousand a month and more likely."
I wanted to stab her.

Elizabeth cried, "Mother, you are insufferable. He hates puppies. How can a gentleman hate puppies?" Finally, something that Miss, yeah, Miss Bennet and I agreed on.

"Lizzy, you wouldn't miss a chance to make my nerves suffer would you?" Her mother was a disaster.

"Your nerves are always suffering mother, aren't they? Sometimes I wish I could cut your nerves and feed them to the crocodiles." I didn't know they petted crocodiles in Meryton.

Bingley tried to intervene, "Mrs. Bennet, for my sake would you mind accompanying me and leave my disagreeable friend and your more agreeable daughter here."

Five thousand a year and very likely more, not to mention she considered him her future son-in-law. She agreed with Mr. Bingley readily, "I would leave them at once, if you assure to dance with no one else other than my Jane."

"You have my word." Bingley said.

"Intolerable peasants! Go ahead Bingley, get yourself trapped!" I exclaimed. I wouldn't vouch for a girl whose social connections are far below average unless she has very bright eyes.

"Your dislike for puppies makes you more intolerable, Mr Darcy." Elizabeth hissed. Drowning in thoughts about her mother I almost forgot about her.

I sighed, "Pray forgive me madam, but my sentiments towards puppies remain unchanged. For it would anguish my pride to alter my sentiments. My hatred for puppies shall not be repressed."

"I cannot forgive you, for you have mortified the pride of my puppies. You have committed the crime of breaking the heart of my poor sweetie pies. Can you deny that? " She lifted her face very high. Please do not attempt this at home, because you might lift yours a bit more and might twist your neck as Lady Catherine once did. It is not the aim of this piece to discuss in detail the persona of Lady Catherine, so I won't be treading into the particulars of that.

"Do puppies come with hearts?" I asked.

"Yes they do. It takes animal spirits to understand." Elizabeth declared.

"Oh yeah! You are blessed with a lot of those, I assume."

"Yes I am and it needn't be the slightest of your worries."

I really wanted to guillotine myself, "So be it, but I will ardently express how much I loathe and scorn those creatures."

"So be it. You can go on about your detestation for puppies with other women who might be more agreeable. Pray don't write me a melodramatic letter warranting your hatred for puppies. If you do, I won't read it."

I have every right to write letter Miss.

"You have no right to stop me from writing histrionic pieces of art. It is my right, I shall have it, and you ought to read them because I really put hours preparing and researching vocabulary for writing them. I Fitzwilliam Darcy, hereby declare that I'll write a letter to you vindicating my mode of conduct and put it in your hands tomorrow morning."

I gazed fiercely into her eyes, to stare her down. She stared back. I was taken aback from the luminescence emitting from her eyes.

Elizabeth stormed away; I was perplexed by my feelings.

I mean, who loves puppies?


Did Darcy succeed in justifying his actions? Did Elizabeth alter her conception that Darcy can never love puppies? Where on earth, did the puppies come from? Did Darcy start loving puppies? Even we have no clue and it is entirely up to the imagination of the readers to assume what they like.

.Thank You.

Edited by .MysticalWaters - 6 years ago
Posted: 6 years ago
very interesting! It is a great read!! :D

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