Dear diary,
Today kunwar pratap has brought phool home and i must feel happy that she is back with me and we have now resolved all our differences.
In times of leisure, my mind does often wander back to the good old days, to the days of my childhood. Ah! What a time that was-certainly the best i have experienced ever. And the one person who made it that way was undoubtedly my dearest friend phool. All the fun we had-those games of hide and seek and ping pong, and all the lessons we have learned together that make us what we are today in life. And yes, those petty fights between us and then how we tried hard not to talk to each other and then ultimately we couldn't and ended up apologizing and becoming friends again. She has always been there for me no matter what and we were the best of friends. Neither storms nor seas could ever separate us all our lives. And we shared everything ,just everything. But never in our wildest dreams did we ever think of sharing our better halves, our husband, kunwar pratap.
Kunwar pratap-the one person whom i love and who loves me more than anything else in the world. The kind of person i was, a shy samant's daughter who was once considered an ill omen by her own father, i never did expect to find my true love in him and get married at such an early age. But then destiny had its own plans and he came into my life. I remember, the first time we met at the town fair and i must admit that i was instantly impressed by his simplicity and kindness, being the prince of rajputana's strongest kingdom.
I never got to know how i lost my heart to him and he too fell in love with me. Our love story was a tragic one but it finally prevailed over all odds and soon, we were bound in an unbreakable bond-the bond of a wedlock. Ever since then, we have faced numerous challenges and adversities but nothing had the power to break our relationship and love-such is its strength. Be it battles or struggles we have faced just everything together and our love has withstood it all. Our love is eternal and its power is unconquerable. When i look at our son, amar,the symbol of our infinite love, i know our love can never die or lessen because it is far beyond this world we live in.
Then why this sudden feeling, this insecurity, this pain in my heart when i see my kunwar pratap with his new wife and my beloved friend phool? Why do i experience a sudden change of mind and my heart gets filled with jealously?
Even though i know that kunwar pratap had to marry phool only for a political cause? Don't we just trust each other? If yes-then why this agony?
Should i feel good for phool that her husband is the most sought after prince of rajputana- the dream of every girl? Or should i be envious of her marriage with him who is also my husband?Should i be happy that now we shall be living under the same roof or sad that i won't get my husband's love because she too has the right to it now?
And above all, Why do i have to share my kunwar pratap with her?
Why can't he just be MINE? Isn't our love enough?? I know as the kunwarani of mewar, my first duty is towards my kingdom and my subjects and so i should accept phool and i should make sure she is confortable here. Its my duty to ensure that kunwar pratap gets to spend some time with her. But how would i ever be able to persuade my heart to go about it?Won't it just bleed profusely, seeing my love with another? I could never confess this to kp, but i did weep bitterly when i got to know of his marriage with phool. I couldn't sleep the whole night and the next day, i had to keep my face covered with the ghoongat a bit longer,so that amar didn't spot my swollen eyes. And now i have to face the same turmoil ,the same infinite amount of pain, everyday as these same eyes behold kp with phool.I sometimes do wish i could chop of these unfortunate eyes, so that i wouldn't have to notice that painful sight again. I wish i could stab my own heart with a dagger and i could take it out so that i won't have to face all these mixed feelings of pain,the heart being the root cause of them. And i wish i wasn't the kunwarani of mewar and just as an ordinary girl .This is because being a kunwarani or maharani is the most accursed thing as you need to cut off a portion of your husband's love and serve it to another which is indeed is the toughest for any girl to do in the world and it requires courage and patience at the same time.
And above all of this, i pray to my kanhaji and eklingji that no girl has to experience such a thing in her life ever cause this is just too painful and unbearable and it just makes your heart shatter to millions of pieces.
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Phew, and i am done. So this was the first os of this series filled with pain.
The second one would be especially on silky's request and it would be all together different from this one.
Please leave love. 😊 Edited by crazy-for-praja - 8 years ago
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