Hey everyone. So here is a new piece from my side. This is a piece I have genuinely struggled to pen. Somehow, I feel this is 'not' worthy of posting up. And I have stopped writing it several times, then went back just cause I loved the central idea of it. But even as I have finished writing it, I feel I haven't done justice to it. I feel something is missing. But I love the concept of this piece, which will make sense as you all read both parts.
The central idea came to me after watching a short film. So the central idea is not entirely mine, most of it comes from the short film but yes, I have moulded it to Manan with my own creativity. This is a two-part piece so I shall attach the link to the short film when I post the second part. It's a beautiful short film and everyone should give it a watch.
This one is for all the readers who have read my previous pieces and have been so generous with their love and support. Thank you so much, I really do appreciate it. And of course for my Twinkie, this is your prize that I guess that was pending for 'Your 8'..lol.
One more point. Please note that Manan are mature in this story, a phase we might not see in the show but their history remains the same for this piece.
Happy reading folks. Really hope you all enjoy it.
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Manan OS: Her shadow
~~
Darkness. Complete darkness. That's what I see with closed eyes. It's also what I see with open eyes now. Complete utter darkness is all I have seen and felt for over two months now. No matter how desperately how I pleaded to Ayyiappa for some light, any light in my eyes so I could my world again, see my Manik again, he didn't pay any heed. Darkness. Only darkness existed now.
As I lay in bed on the right side of our king-sized bed, I felt my husband's body draped around me securely like he was afraid to loosen his grip even in his sleep. His leg is thrown over my legs and his arm wrapped around my waist resting on my hipbone. We have a huge bed but he always chooses to sleep on my side of the bed since our wedding night five years ago. We married right out of college eager to start our lives together. Since the day we married, every night he slept with his body wrapped around me, all night. No matter how times I moved during the night, he always adjusted his position so we were touching, hamesha.
My husband, my Manik. My eyes began to tear up, but my vision didn't blur anymore. It was gone now. Of my all the sights I miss since I lost my vision, it's my Manik's face that I miss the most. His beautiful face. His soulful eyes, so clear they were I use to be able to see my reflection in them. His lips, his soft lips that curved into an honest smile I could no longer see. I can't see him smile for me anymore. Afraid my touch would wake up, I didn't dare to put my hand to his face but it's the only way I see him now. Through my touch.
A disease I couldn't even pronounce properly stole my vision. The doctors called it FCED - Fuchs' corneal endothelial dystrophy and it had slowly but surely taken away my ability to see my world in all but two months. Two short months ago was the first time my vision had blurred. Manik and I were out shopping and all the sudden, it was like my eyes were closing even when they were open, darkness started seeping in.
My vision had started blurring as I walked. I started to sway unable to coordinate my steps and Manik's strong arms were around me immediately. "Nandini, Nandini ! what happened ?" He kept fading in front of my eyes; I blinked rapidly hoping to clear my vision so I could see the concern that I kept hearing in his words.
At first, Manik refused to believe the doctor. We got opinions from the most-esteemed doctors, specialists from all over the world. They all said the same thing, an incurable disease it was. There isn't a treatment out there for it. I believed the doctors though. Everyday, life before my eyes dimmed a little more. I knew it wouldn't be long until only darkness remained.
"Nandini", his husky, sleep drugged call pulled me away from the past but it didn't give me enough time to wipe the remnants of my grief away. He shifted and soon I felt his warm hands on my cheeks, his fingers tenderly wiping away my salty tears that spoke my despair.
I knew my tears broke his heart but nowadays the sorrow was set in so deeply that I couldn't fight them. I feel like I am grieving everyday, grieving for the life I once had, grieving for the independence I once had. They always flowed whenever I thought of how much my blindness took away from me. It took away the ability to kiss my husband awake. It took away the ability to care for my husband. It took away the ability to be a partner in our marriage; I was now his patient, a heavy burden.
"Nandini, sweetheart, talk to me. What's wrong ?' I heard the pleading in his voice, asking me to let him in. I felt his warm hands, now tenderly cupping my face as he hovered close. I heard the concern in his voice but I wanted to see it. I wanted to be able to soothe away his worry lines away from his forehead like I use to and tell him there was no reason to worry.
Giving him what I hoped was a reassuring smile; I tried to curve my lips upwards for him. "Nothing, nothing is wrong." I said as I sat up in bed and felt him follow suit.
Everything, everything is wrong.
Throwing my legs over the bed, I got up. I stumbled before I even took two steps.
"Nandini !" he called out and grasped my arm before I went tumbling to the floor. He now stood next to me, hovering close. I felt him; felt him so close to me it was beginning to feel suffocating. "Be careful, baby."
Shrugging his touch away, I reached out and felt for the walls to guide myself to the bathroom. Behind me, I heard him sigh wearily. I refuse his help so often now I think he is beginning to feel frustrated with me. But I don't want his help, doesn't he understand that ? I felt my way to the bathroom to freshen up knowing he would have a pair of clothes set out on the bed, like he had for the last two months. Every single day without fail.
******
"You look beautiful." He says as he kisses the nape of my neck just as I finish slipping in the earrings he passed to me.
"I wouldn't have any way of knowing anymore, Manik." And I don't really know how I look every morning. I refuse to let anyone help me ready me. But I have learnt to follow the notions.
"Of course you do, sweetheart. We see the world through each other's eyes, and in my eyes, you will be the most beautiful creature to grace this planet."
But somehow I can't find it in my heart to believe him.
******
After we found out that my blindness was a disability for life now, Manik was on a mission to make our house injury proof. Impossible I know, but try explaining to my husband. We shifted to a rather smaller one-storey bungalow in comparison to Maltorta Mansion. There was less space to learn and plus there were absolutely no stairs. An occupational therapist had come and adjusted the house for a blind person. Blind, so dark my world had become that someone came in and 'fix' my own house so I wouldn't accidentally kill myself.
Trailing the house with my hand against the empty wall, no photo frames were put up. Not because I wouldn't be able to see them but because he refused to let a 'dangerous hazard' be put up. I walked down the hallway I came to know well. I attended blindness adaption classes where they taught us how to utilize our other senses to make up for the lack of our sight. Every class reminded me of how much I had lost and I hated going to them.
As I made my way into our spacious kitchen, I felt Manik's hand slip into mine as he started guiding me to the breakfast table. The urge to shake his hand off was present, no longer did his touch soothe and heal me. Now I felt it as a death grip but I still didn't shake his hand away because I knew, I knew how much my Manik still loved me. Manik described our breakfast that our cook that set up in the clock fashion even though I knew eventually he would just serve me and insist on feeding me.
I missed the time we could cook together in the kitchen. Well, I use to cook and Manik was there to distract me with his kisses and caresses but it was always fun. I miss that fun
"Hey baby.", He came into the kitchen, taking his black blazer off and throwing it over the chair. He rolled up the sleeves of his white collar shirt and then threw his arms around my neck pulling me close to properly kiss me. I leaned in, keeping my chocolate chip dough mixture hands away from his body.
"Hey", I whisper when we finally drew back. He still kept our foreheads pressed together, his eyes were closed and a serene, content smile was painted on his lips.
"God I missed you." And so had I. Manik was working long hours nowadays. After college, Fab 5 remained a family but they all had different career aspirations. Manik had chosen to start his own record label: M&N Records.. I focused on classical music, attending classes to refine my veena skills. I also taught children how to play the veena and singing at an orphanage. And I was content. It gave me more time to be a wife to Manik, to care for him.
"Whatcha making ?", he asked with a grin, pulling on my hands close to his mouth. Believe no one when they tell you cookies taste the same if the dough is mixed with a electric mixer and put onto a tray as a spoonful. Nope, cookies taste the best when you use your hands, right near the end. He brought his lips forward and licked off the mixture of my index finger slowly.
"Mmm, that tastes amazing.", he said and I was pretty sure he was not talking about the chocolate chip cookie dough mixture. Now his eyes were clouded with desire now, desire he was about act on.
Making up my mind, I rubbed cookie dough on his cheeks and smacked a loud kiss on his lips before I made a run for it. "Catch me if you can.", I challenged him, laughing as I ran around the house.
"Nandini.", his soft touch to my hand startled me. And I realized I had gone back into the past. But soon the past faded away. The warm laughter faded away. His resounding footsteps as he chased me faded away. It all faded away and left an ache in my chest, an expanding ache that made it hard to breathe. My eyes filled with tears because I wanted the past back, wanted the 'before' to be our 'now'.
******
You know what else I miss? My fireflies. Its evenings like today where I have the urge to see them. When I sitting alone in our back porch, with only the sounds of the crickets as my companion. When I am alone, I reflect on what life has become now. My need for to se my fireflies grows, because my faith wavers, my hope feels like it's fading away. When I start to feel lost and need them to glow their light so I can find myself again. In our old house, Manik use to fill our backyard with fireflies and I use to love watching them glow and dancing among them.
My beautiful tiny fireflies that always glowed for Manik and I. I miss their glow, their glow that use to fill me with positivity that our love would last for Hamesha, for as long as Hamesha lasts, our love will always be true.
I feel Manik's presence as he joins me on our back porch. He touches my hand and places an on-the-go' cup in my hand. On-the-go' cups are safer than ceramic cups because I won't burn myself so easily, I agree with that but doesn't mean I have to like it.
Manik's head find it's way to my shoulder and it makes me smile for a moment. He used to do that so often. We use to sit on our outdoor swing, having coffee late at night and he would rest his head on my shoulder while we talked and shared about our day.
"What are you thinking about ?", he asked.
" My fireflies, Manik. I can't see them anymore. I can't see them glow for us anymore."
His head lifted and he reached for my hand. "But they still glow for us Nandini, I promise you they do. Our love is still true as it was when they first glowed for us. Don't you believe me if I tell you that they glow? I promise I will bring them every night to you and I will tell you every night if they glow or not."
Do I believe him ? Even I don't know the answer to that.
******
"Sam, we have already talked about this and my answer will not change." It wasn't Manik's voice that woke me though. It was the absence of his body against me that woke me up from my deep slumber. His warmth was missing. Reaching out for my Bradley to tell the time, it was two-thirty at night. Who could he possibly be talking to now ? He never left the bed because he knew his absence woke me up. We always use to struggle with sleep when he went on his business trips. Trailing my hand along the bedpost for my robe that Manik always hangs my robe on at night, I wore it and tied the slash
"I can understand, Sam. This project can be beneficial for M&N Records but you should know, nothing or no one comes before my wife. Forget a week, I can't even leave her for a day no matter how much the deal is worth. London is out of question. Drop the deal, I don't care." With that I heard him hit the end button, as I stood motionless by the door of our bedroom still hidden from his sight.
I heard the swift of him pivoting around and since I knew him so well, I knew he was startled but he is already thinking of how to get out of this.
"Hey baby, didn't hear you wake up."
Damage control. Going with the soft, lovey-dovey approach I see. I kept my silence though I am sure my expression was enough to give my thoughts away. His arms came around me as I felt him leaning him to kiss me but I turned so his lips grazed my right cheek instead. Now he has the 'I-am- in-so-much-trouble' expression on his face and, he is really scrambling to fix this situation before I blow my fuse.
"When were going to tell me ?", I asked him quietly, in a soft voice. When were you going to tell me you have put your life, your career on hold indefinitely for me ?
"It's really late, Nandini. We can talk in the morning.", he said soberly, realizing his wife means business now.
I shook free of his touch pedalling backwards towards our room. "No ! let's talk now, Manik. I want to talk now. Why aren't you going to London for your deal ?"
Manik sighed audibly as he reached for my hand, his thumb skimming against my knuckles. He was trying to cool me down and his touch won't work today. "I can't leave you."
"Why ? oh yeah, because I am invalid now !" I said with a dry laugh. Because that's the stupid reality of our life now. I tied my husband down now, weighted him with my disability.
"Nandini !", his only warning was my harsh whisper of my name. He didn't want me to speak of myself in such a degrading manner. I hated doing this to him, holding him back from flourishing as a successful businessman.
"Fine, get a caregiver for me. Hire extra servants for the week you are gone. Navya can come over. I will be well taken care of."
"Don't you get it ? I need to take care of you !" he almost shouted at me but his loud voice didn't startle in the least.
"And don't you get it ? I don't need you to take care of me." I need you to live, Manik. I need you to live enough for the both of us. My words stunned him into silence and it frustrated me to no end that I couldn't see how angry I had made him. I turned towards the bed, reaching out until I felt the bedpost.
I sat down and felt all the fight leave me. Defeat, I just felt defeated. "I am not the same Nandini, Manik . Why don't you understand ? I am broken now." My words were a soft whisper. "I am not your Nandini anymore. That Nandini died the moment my eyes died."
The bed dipped in the next instant as he sat next to me. He cupped my face and tilted my chin up so we could be the same level. Why, I wasn't sure. It's not like I could read the truth in his eyes anymore.
"Don't !" His voice was a harsh whisper now. "Don't you dare speak of my Nandini this way. That Nandini still lives in you, and I will bring her back and that's a promise, Nandini Maltorta."
"Then bring my eyes back ! Let me your wife instead of your patient. Let me take care of you like I use to. Can you do that ?" When only silence answered back. I sighed; we were both fighting a losing battle anyway. "Yeah I didn't think so.", I bit out and pulled his hands away from my face.
My head found my pillow and I turned my back to him. I knew he was still sitting there staring at me. Well, he ought to be glad he can't stare me into annoyance anymore. But even with my blindness, I can still feel his stare. It's my body's awareness to him. Right now, the tiny hairs rose on my neck, and I knew his eyes were on me.
Eventually with a huff, he laid down, hitting the lamp switch. The emptiness of the vacant space between us brought tears to my eyes again. I fought against their burn refusing to let them run.
We had drifted apart, but I knew but it was more than that. I had pushed my Manik away. A few minutes may have passed and soon Manik inched towards my side of the bed. And he spooned me from the back, throwing a leg over mine. We both sighed at the same time, as if we could finally breathe again. He swept my hair to the side and pressed a soft kiss to the nape of my neck. His arm came around and his fingers wiped the wetness of my tears from my cheeks.
With his body touching me like every night, I felt at peace. Slumber lured me once more but just before I went under, I thought I heard his soft whisper, "I love you, Nandini. Hamesha."
I love you too, Manik. Hamesha.
******
"Good morning." I hear Manik's rather chirpy voice and a moment later, warmth was felt on my face. He had opened the curtains to let in the morning sunshine.
I sat up, rubbing sleep out of my eyes. I wasn't sure where we stood this morning after last night's fight. But my queries were answered in the next moment when Manik came over. He crouched, going on his knees as his hands rested on my knees.
"Where is my good morning kiss ?", he asked. I didn't know what to say. I haven't been able to kiss him awake for months now. I always use to kiss him awake every morning. Between the two of us, I was the early riser and I liked to kick off our morning with some laughter so I always use to pepper small kisses on his face until he got annoyed and woke up just to take revenge.
"I...I can't see you anymore, Manik. I can't find you anymore."
"But I am right here, baby. Right next to you."
"Maybe...maybe I am the who is lost then. I feel so lost", I whispered, more to myself than him.
But he heard me, "How can you think I will ever let you get lost ?"
He guided my hand to his face, skimming down the contours of his face slowly and rests it against his heart. I felt the thud thud of his heart, a sound that once soothed me, a sound that still calms me. "You and I don't need sight to see each other's heart. You can still see my heart as clearly as I can see yours."
He leaned in and kissed me swiftly on the lips before he reached for my hand. He planted a tender kiss on the palm and then placed it on his cheek. "I am right here ,baby. Kiss me awake."
My eyes filled with tears. My Manik is trying to bring back my happiness. He is giving me what I asked for. He is letting me be his Nandini.
He leaned in closer, I could feel his radiating warmth now. I trailed my hand to his forehead and pressed a soft kiss to it. A peck of his nose came next. Then, I peppered some kisses to his cheeks, loving the feel of his stubble and a giggle erupted on it's own when in the next moment when he tackled me onto the bed gently.
This is just like old times ! He glowered before he started tickling me making me laugh.
"Manik, Manik...stop...please." I managed to gasp between laughs. He suddenly stopped, hovering over me. He leaned in and pressed his forehead to mine. We sighed in unison. "You are still my Nandini. I am still your Manik." He whispered to me and I felt the wetness of his tears on his cheeks.
"I miss your smile, Manik.", I told him. My disease made him lose his smile, because he worried so much for me, I think he stopped living for himself, stopped smiling his beautiful smile.
He took my hand to his lips. "My smile lays in your smile, Nandini. You are the reason I smile." I curved my lips up and I felt his curve in response.
"Come on, let's get this day started.", he leaned in and pecked my lips. He intertwined our hands but he walked close to the wall so I could use my hand to guide myself. I realized he was holding my hand not because he wanted to guide me but rather because he wanted to. He was actually walking a step or two behind and I was the one leading him to my walk-in closet.
Manik flicked the lights on, "So what do you want to wear today?" His question left me surprised once again. Everyday, he picks out my outfit.
"I will help you pick what you want. Just until we can figure out a system for you to pick your clothes yourself. Okay ?"
Unsure of what to say, I just nodded at him. And we picked my clothes together.
******
We walked hand in hand down the hall to the kitchen, but Manik still walked a step or two back. I didn't call him out on it. When we got to the kitchen, it felt too quiet. I don't think anyone was present.
"Manik..." I started to say before he cut me off.
"So what are you making me for breakfast this morning ? I think I want a cup of earl gray black tea and toast with jam. And you ? coffee ?"
He had started walking and picked me up and placed me on the granite kitchen island.
"I am thinking you can pop the bread in the toaster and I can fill up the water for the kettle."
My confusion must be visible on my face because Manik took my hands and started explaining. "This is what you want na, to be my wife, my partner. You want to take care of me. I am just trying to give you what you need."
"But, we both know I can't take care of you anymore." I told him. It's the truth, I can't take care of him like I use.
"Of course you can, we just need to work on it together."
And we did. He plucked me off the counter and started teaching me where everything in the kitchen is. And somehow together, we managed to make breakfast. Guaranteed it took much longer, but Manik helped me and together, together we made breakfast after months.
******
The days that followed over the next few weeks continued pretty much that way, with Manik trying to bring back the normalcy our life had before my disease took my vision away. We both realized I couldn't function the same as I did when I had my vision but we were working it, together.
I trailed my hands along the wall that now has photo frames hanging on it. I told Manik I wanted our memories for him to see, and when I felt the frames, I too saw them in my own way. Our happy memories deserved to be celebrated and showcased. He had been reluctant but eventually he agreed, for my sake. We picked pictures together, picked the moments we wanted on display.
I wandered down the hall towards Manik's office where I heard him typing away on his laptop. This was also new. Manik left me alone now in the house for us to do things independently. He would always make sure I am safe but I knew this is a huge step for him trying to give me back my independence.
He typing sound stopped as I reached the study door.
"Hey babe, everything okay ?", Within seconds, he was next to me. He still worried so much. Like I said, we are working on it.
"Yeah, everything is okay. I just missed you." I told him and took him by the hand to lead him to the leather love seat.
"I want to go back to the orphanage, Manik. I want to teach the children singing again." I could no longer play my veena, I had lost that part of myself. I could take the time to relearn to play with my blindness if I chose to. But my voice, I still have my voice. I could still have music in my life. But it would be a fight I would have to win with Manik and I felt like I had a case prepared, the most necessary point of safety.
"That sounds like a great idea."
"But Manik I..." Wait, what ? What did he say ? I trailed off when I understood what he said.
I was excepting a fight. "A great idea ?"
"Yeah, you love those kids so why not go back ?"
"I won't let you go with me, you can't babysit me." I told him and I knew this would be the deal breaker.
"Can the driver drive you or do you want to take the auto ?"
What ? "Are you feeling okay, baby ?"
I even reached out to navigate his face so I could feel his forehead but he kept moving around so that his lips were all my fingers felt and he kept pressing soft kisses to them.
He eventually stilled and cupped my face "I am serious, you want independence, it's yours to take the way you want it."
******
The next morning, I was both excited and nervous. Going back to the orphanage is a huge step in being independent again but can I really do it ? Be without Manik ? Teach children again? Won't my blindness hinder me ?
"Hey, what's on your mind ?" Manik asked as we walked to the car.
"I am nervous..and excited too.", I told him. We came to the stop and I felt him place my hand on the car. I felt around for the handle to open the door and placed my bag on the seat.
"Don't be nervous. Those kids love you. They will be excited to have you back."
"But what If I can't do this without you ?"
He reached for my hand and interlaced our fingers together. "Then we do this together until you can. We can go together today or you can try going yourself. But I know you can do this."
I reached for his waist and settled my head on his chest, right at his heart. His steady heartbeat soothed my fears. He has so faith in me. And I was the one who asked to for this.
"I can do this."
"I know you can."
******
I felt the car still to a stop and a moment later, Ramesh Bhaiya opened my door for me. Taking a deep breath to ready myself, I undid my walking stick and put my bag on my shoulder stepping out.
And then I heard the happy squeals and sounds of small feet running towards me. And soon small arms were wrapped around my legs. "Nandini Didi. Nandini Didi. You are back !"
I smiled down at the sounds of the happy voices. These are my kids, my students, how could I think they wouldn't welcome me back.
"Arre Nandini beti," I heard the soft voice of Ashaben as she stopped in front of me. She has been taking car of this orphanage and the children for years now. I know for a fact that Manik makes monthly donations to the orphanage so that the children receive the best upbringing and care possible. "It's so good to have you back. The kids have been waiting for you since they woke up."
She enveloped me into a warm hug and smelled mildly of spices. She must have been in the kitchen. I put my arms around her and hugged her back.
"Chalo, chalo. Let's go inside, kids.", Ashaben called out to the kids and I heard their little feet thumping away.
Okay, okay. You can do this, Nandini Maltorta. Remember, you want to be independent again. And you can do this.
"Can I hold your hand, Nandini Didi ?", I heard a small voice ask me. I tried hard to recognize the voice. Usha ! That's Usha's voice; the adorable five-year old who loves wearing pink dresses.
"Usha ?", I asked, crouching down to my knees so she wouldn't have to look up.
"Yes, Nandini Didi. It's me, Usha. Can we hold hands ? I don't like walking alone."
"I don't like walking alone either." And my Manik isn't here to hold my hand, to give me strength.
Her tiny hand clasped mine firmly, with strength that surprised me. We walked slowly hand in hand to the stairs of the orphanage. I grazed my hand, feeling the wooden railing, taking a step slowly. I must have miscalculated a step because I pitched forward, almost missing the next step.
"Didi !", Usha's hand tightened on mine as she saved me from pitching forward. I found my footing again and waited for my heartbeat to slow to it's steady rate.
As I walked towards the door of the orphanage, I had a feeling someone was behind us, watching us.
"Usha, is someone behind us ?" I asked her and I heard her turning around to check.
"No, Nandini Didi", she told me a moment later.
But even then as I walked, I felt it, an awareness of someone's gaze on me. Maybe because Manik always use to wait, whenever we said goodbye, he always stood there watching me walk away. I still remember his words:
I want to see you till the last second possible, so I hold onto your image until I can see you again.
When I walked away from him, I always felt his gaze, an beautiful awareness that he always watched me till the last possible second. Maybe, that's why I am still feeling it. That somehow, he is around even when I know he isn't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okies, this is the first instalment. Please do provide your honest feedback.😳
I shall post part 2 soonish
Love,
Reya <3
part 2: https://india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=4378563&PID=122838658&#p122838658
Other Manan Pieces
Nandini Promise: https://india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=4283880
His Light:https://.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=4321796#p120061624
Connected Hearts: https://india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=4370726
Hamari Adhuri Kahani: https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/topic/4442402
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