FF: Shades Of Love last part pg 91 dt 28.12.15 - Page 31

Shade 16

It was shortly after eight in the morning when Tayi and I went for a walk by the Mutha river. Sahab had gone to hold his last round of talks with the dealer. Though it was a Sunday still he had agreed to meet Sahab. After deciding everything he would join us here. Anyways I indulged myself in admiring the beauty of nature. The tide was just coming in and the waves were beating strongly against the rocks. It wasn't hot and humid. In fact the sky was overcast. The scene was truly a beautiful one to behold.

There were many people strolling along the shore, enjoying the cool breeze. Children were the happiest as they ran and dipped their little feet in the cool water, letting out squeals of delight as the waves teased them.

Dropping the slippers near the rocks,that Tayi had given me I continued to walk alone. Tayi was taking pictures of herself with her cellphone. For two or three pictures she even grabbed me and asked me to pose with her. Something I had never done before. Nobody ever cared to take my pictures. She introduced me to a new word. " selfie." It took us so long to get the right picture all thanks to me who couldn't figure out where the camera was and what exactly was I supposed to do. Sometimes I'd be staring at the camera or I'd be really stiff and not smile. However when I saw our picture I was surprised...pleasantly. Again I hadn't covered my face and today I had even kept my hair open. Yes I looked different. I smiled to myself. A moment in time captured. But I couldn't dare to capture it forever. What if someone back in PVsaw the picture? I would be slaughtered not literally but still it would create a havoc. I made a mental note to ask Tayi to delete the picture before we returned.

Glancing at Tayi I found her standing on the rocks and asking an aunty to take her pictures. She truly loved herself. Was it too easy to love oneself? I shrugged I didn't know.

Anyhow I tore my gaze from her and gazed at the waves. Now was not the time to delve on love and issues of love. Some other time.

The shore was full of debris from the previous night's storm and I was walking on crushed shells and seaweed. It felt ticklish as sand squished in and out of my toes. The cool wind blew through my hair and I allowed myself to relax. I felt free and liberated. However till a day back in PV I was captivated. The rules, the traditions and the customs crushed me and my life. Little did I know that after coming here I would be able to breathe. The people who crossed me didn't make any side remarks, didn't care to look at me twice. For them I was like them and that felt good. Nobody told me what to do and what not. They didn't question me and I wasn't answerable to them. I was myself.

But just for today. Tomorrow after going back everything would be the way it had been for years.

I spotted an old lady selling roasted corns. Opening the knot of my dupatta I took out some money then peered at Tayi. She was far away. I shouted. " tayi." Then waved at her but she failed to notice. Never mind I would take one for her. Biting into my corn my eyes gazed at the children who were making sand castles. They seemed so focused and determined. I smiled. I also wanted to make my own castle. My own house. My own place. But then it would look so childish, wouldn't it? Suppressing my desire I decided to walk back with a corn for Tayi in my hand.

The breeze had picked up by then. I crouched to hold a sea shell. Bringing it close to my ear I could so clearly hear the sound of waves. It was amazing. I shook the shell. I had read somewhere that some shells have pearls in them. Sadly this one was empty. I sighed deeply. I had also heard that pearls were made of teardrops. I didn't know whether it was true or not but could someone's tears turn out to be so valuable and beautiful? Pearls are treasured, could tears not turned into pearls be treasured too? I shook my head, not mine at least.

*sh*t* the wind blew my dupatta.

Dropping the shell I ran to catch it. Great. It landed on sahab's shoulder. Couldn't it find a better place to land on? Covering myself with my hands I approached him with my head low. He peeled off the dupatta and handed me without saying anything. I quickly wrapped it around myself with one hand.

" oh roasted corn. Wow. Thanks I was so hungry." Before I could open my mouth he had grabbed the corn from my hand and was now happily digging into it. I glanced at Tayi. " sorry Tayi."

" nakusha ready for the surprise?" His eyes were glowing and that scared me.

" surprise or shock?"

He grinned down at me. " you don't trust me. Do you?"

I looked away and called out. " tayi...let's go."

************************************************************

My eyes turned wide on realising where I was standing. A temple! It was The Ganpati Temple. As expected he had not surprised but shocked me. In fact more than that. I stared at him in irritation. I knew he drew immense pleasure in annoying me but I was hurt and furious. Of all the places he had to bring us here?

" come." He glanced at me expectantly. I crossed my arms before my chest and turned my face away.

" come nakusha."

I pursed my lips. " Sahab I thought you knew a lot about me. Aren't you aware that I'm not supposed to visit such places?" Peering at Tayi I said," Tayi you both go I will wait here."

" I know you are prohibited for some stupid reasons but let me remind you this is not PV." I didn't look at him and stayed rooted to my spot.

" nakku, dutta Ji is right. You've not been following those customs here so why this one?"

" Tayi this is different. I can't disgrace this place of worship by my presence."

" nakusha don't talk nonsense. Stop behaving like people of PV." He was irked and so was I.

" this is not nonsense. This is what I have been told all the years. This is how I have been expected to behave." My tone was sharp and clipped.

" but you want to come, don't you? Then why are you holding yourself back." Tayi urged.

" I agree with Supriya. You don't have to smother your wishes for these strangers. You're free here." The word free made me glance at him. My eyes desired to know was I truly free to climb up the stairs and bow my head before Bappa?

He blinked his eyes. " we all are equal for Him. There's no discrimination."

My heart wanted to listen to him but my mind wasn't willing. Shaking my head I lowered my gaze. " it would be a sin." I whispered.

" look nakusha if you aren't coming then we all are going back. Leaving a temple without seeking His blessings is definitely a sin."

Tayi came forward and pressed my arm. " nakku come with us. You've waited for this moment for years. Now don't let it go."

I slowly nodded my head.

We went to the shoe rack to leave our foot wear. There was a tap next to it. I washed my hands and feet thoroughly. If possible I would've also taken a bath to cleanse myself. Lifting my right leg I dared to climb the step. But couldn't. Unwillingly my eyes moved around fearing that someone would stop me.

" I am sure Bappa must be eager to see you before His eyes." I peered up at Sahab. A faint smile adored his lips.

Taking a deep breath I gathered my courage and took my first step. Trust me my legs were trembling. Was it because of the cool marble or out of nervousness I didn't know but I was definitely shaky.

" dutta Ji why is it so crowded? Is it because today is Sunday?" Tayi whined like a child.

" not just Sunday today is also Mahashivratri." Tayi beamed in delight. " wow nakku this is so great. Thank you Dutta Ji."

He flashed her a broad grin. " anything that brings a smile on your pretty face." Shaking my head I suppressed my grin. He could never remain serious for long. Anyways now with every step that I took I felt a little less guilty and a lot relived and calm. In fact I was excited, thanks to...him.

Standing on my toes I raised my hand to ring the bell. Last time when I did the Same I had to jump high even then my fingers had barely touched the bell. However this time I rang loud, really loud.

Making my way through the crowd I finally managed to stand before the huge idol of Bappa. Needless to say that the sight was simply beautiful. My eyes couldn't believe and stared at Him long and hard. While other devotees we're offering their prayers through closed eyes, my eyes refused to blink. They were just awestruck! Finally my tired eyes gave in and my eye lids dropped.

Folding my hands I wished I had kept my eyes open as a painful memory flickered before my closed eyes. I was thirteen, still new to the bitter truth that I was a widow and the implications of being one were severe. The restrictions were known but my naive heart didn't wish to follow them. Aayi had gone to the market and I thought I could easily sneak to our local temple that was just twenty steps away. I ran upto the temple hoping that no one would recognize and stop me. I was jumping higher and higher to reach the bell when someone roughly grabbed my elbow and whirled me around.

It was Kamla mausi, our neighbour. Ever since I had returned from my in laws place she had begun to detest me. She hated the sight of me and I didn't know why because till sometime back she was pretty fond of me. And what followed thereafter shook me. She started screaming at me and abusing me. A small group of people surrounded us as though some show was going on. She cursed and reminded me that I was a widow and by coming here I had dirtied this pious place. Her words cut through my heart and I began crying.

My gaze traveled around with the hope that someone would come forward and silence her. Someone would support and stand by me after all they were the same people who saw me growing up. I was like their child so today how could they stand mute and see me getting humiliated?

At last Purohit Ji tried to intervene but mausi didn't care. On the contrary she insisted that the temple should be washed and cleaned. Dropping to my knees I sobbed bitterly.

Noticing the chaos aayi came up to the temple. I flung my arms around her waist and buried my face in her chest. Kamla mausi began ranting about the unforgivable sin I had committed. Lifting my face I peered up at aayi through my wet eyes. The emotions that flashed across her face weren't the one I had expected.

She didn't cajole me.

She didn't cuddle me.

She didn't even wipe my tears.

She was furious and embarrassed.

And then before I knew she slapped me tight and hard. The dupatta fell from my face and my cheek burned. I looked back at her in disbelief. Was she my real mother?

She said that the slap would never let me forget what I'd done.

Indeed I didn't forget anything. My cheek still stung.

Tears pricked the corners of my shut eyes. I forcefully pushed them back and wondered what was I doing standing here? Thank Him for keeping me alive or pray that he changed my life? Both the options didn't appeal to me.

Strange.

As Tayi had said that I'd waited for this moment for years and now when it was there I didn't know what to do. I wished to laugh at myself.

I slowly opened my eyes, fortunately they were dry and nobody was looking at me. A little far away Sahab was talking to Tayi who nodded her head and then left.

" where's Tayi?"

"She'll be back in a minute."

There was a small crowd surrounding the shiv ling. I poked my head through the group of people.

" what's happening?"

An old lady glanced at me and replied." Today is Shivratri so they are worshipping shiv ji's ling." that was nice. I had never witnessed such a scene before.

" nakku!" I turned and saw Tayi standing with a plate carrying small shiv Ji and Paravathi Ji idols.

" come with me." She pulled me aside. I shot her a puzzled look, she was excited and I didn't know why. In the meantime Sahab came with a pundit Ji. Tayi crossed her legs and sat down. She tugged my arm and compelled me to drop on the floor as well.

" nakku now we will get shiv Ji and Parvati Ji married. Let's decorate them together."

My jaw dropped. " Tayi what are you saying?" I lowered my voice and spoke through gritted teeth. " in PV nobody allows me to be part of any wedding and here you're suggesting me to do all this?"

Tayi rolled her eyes at me. " don't start all over again. Why do I have to convince you for every small little thing?"

" because it's not a small thing." I gazed at Sahab. Must have been his idea.

" nakku do you remember as kids playing with dolls and getting them married. This is no different." She poured water over both the idols. Then pressed my hand.

" trust me it's not a big deal."

I chewed on my lower lip. " now nakku dry them then I will decorate Parvati Ji and you shiv Ji."

" nakusha pundit Ji is waiting." He finally broke his silence.

Reluctantly I held the corner of my dupatta and started wiping the idols. I couldn't believe I was touching them and holding them in my hands. As I dried shiv ji's idol I realised it was the same dupatta that had dropped on Sahab. I gulped the lump inside my throat and pushed that thought aside.

Tayi tied a small crown around Parvati ji's head and I put a garland around shiv ji's neck.

" nakku pass me those bangles and then you drape that red chunni around Parvati Ji." The chunni was beautiful with golden border. Years back I had worn a similar chunni but...not for long.

After we finished decorating the idols, Panditji started chanting some mantras. I covered my head with my dupatta. Tayi glanced at me and quickly did the same. I peered at Sahab. Our gazes locked for a few seconds. What was he waiting for? At last it struck him and he too took out his handkerchief to cover his head. Pundit Ji applied a red Tilak on sahab's, mines and tayi' foreheads then he tied a thread around our wrists. While chanting the mantras he opened a box of sweets and offered us. Taking out a ladoo each Tayi and I held it while Sahab brought it close to his mouth.

I gaped at him in horror , it wasn't a Prasad.

pundit ji's voice suddenly grew louder forbidding him not to eat. He then gestured all of us to offer the sweet to the idols. I glanced at Sahab from the corner of my eye, sometimes his sensibilities or lack of them baffled me.

In the end pundit Ji asked us to shower the idols with flowers. Tayi and pundit Ji picked up the idols to keep them inside the shiv temple so that other devotees could also seek their blessings.

I slowly stepped down the stairs. All of a sudden I felt so calm and at peace. Such were the positive vibes of this place.

As I slipped my feet in the slippers I wondered why did Tayi reject this pair? We both shared the same size and they were so light weight and comfortable. Frowning I looked around for Tayi. Though my eyes didn't find her they stopped at Sahab. He was lifting a small girl in his arms so that she could reach the bell and ring it. Seeing him a young boy approached him and tugged his t shirt. Sahab peered down and saw the boy raising his arms.

I grinned. The boy wanted him to pick him too. In one swift move he lifted the boy as well. Now both the kids were ringing the bell. What a cute sight.

Someday he'd a great father.

Excuse me!

From where did that thought come from?

thanks for reading

Rose

Shade 17

When Sahab said that there was one more place that he wanted to visit, I was slightly less sceptical about it. I believed that his choice of place wouldn't shock us, after all how many shocks could my heart survive in two days? Hmm so on reaching I wasn't shocked but yes I was surprised again.

Tayi and I both exchanged a look wondering what were we supposed to do here?

However Sahab was beaming in delight. " Supriya this is my school. After coming to Pune I couldn't resist myself from coming here."

" let me give you a tour."

Today was Sunday. The gates were closed and the watchman with dark black hairy and long moustache was glaring at us.

Tayi glanced at him awkwardly. " but Dutta Ji how will we get inside? We're neither students nor parents of any student." Her cheeks turned red while mentioning the last part. Though she made sense but there was certainly no need for her to blush.

Sahab tilted his head and took out a piece of paper from his front pocket. " the secretary of this school happens to be the uncle of one of my dealers. He has granted us permission to visit the school in writing. So nobody can dare stop us." He was right as soon as the watchman saw the letter he opened the gates for us. It was a nice school with a huge playground. Students of different age groups were running around and playing. Some cricket and some basketball. But I spotted only boys and no girls. I frowned at my observation.

" Dutta Ji for how long were you here?"

. " I completed my schooling here and then for further studies I went to Mumbai "

" I can't see girls around?" He stopped and turned around. He was surprised and so was I. I didn't know why this question slipped out of my mouth. Usually I didn't speak with him until it was deemed necessary. He brought his hands to his waist. " you won't find girls here because it's a boys school."

I was taken aback by his answer and the way he was peering at me made be feel as though I had asked a very silly question but I couldn't stop myself from thinking if all these years he studied in a boys school then he began flirting with girls after he went to college? Anyway why should I bother. He was a flirt that was known and when he became one hardly mattered.

A basketball rolled and hit his feet. He picket up the ball and casually threw it toward the basket. Surprisingly his aim was bang on and the ball slid down the basket. Tayi began clapping for him and what more was he wanting? He was all smiles.

" you know once on sports day, on this very ground our team won the inter school basketball tournament and I was the captain. I was hardly twelve or thirteen years old then." Now that was...impressive.

" your baba and AS must have been really proud of you?"

He shrugged his shoulders. " I don't know. They couldn't make it. Baba was not in PV and AS as usual was busy."

The sparkle on his face diminished and dropping his head he kicked a small stone as though he wanted to kick that memory off his mind. But I could imagine a young enthusiastic boy desperately wanting to share his victory with his parents, his eyes searching for them and on failing to find them, his priceless moment losing it's shimmer. Every child wishes to make his parents proud, few fortunate ones get that opportunity but when that opportunity doesn't materialize...it hurts for sure.

He pointed to a building on his left side. " that's our dormitory. I can't remember how many times at night we sneaked out, scaled the adjacent wall just to have a late night snack." His eyes again lit up as he spoke about those days. Breaking rules to do what you wish to must have been thrilling for him.

" talking about snacks, Dutta Ji I'm feeling very hungry." We had am early breakfast and we had skipped lunch so naturally Tayi must be starving.

He grinned at her. " fine let me take you to the canteen. It must be open and trust me Supriya the spring rolls are mouth watering." Tayi went to order and we waited outside.

" in the meantime nakusha let me show you my first classroom here."

I glanced in the direction of canteen. " but Tayi?"

He'd already started walking. " it won't take more than five minutes. Come."

Revisiting old places is exciting for some and he was all geared up. Pushing the doors open we entered a classroom. It had small wooden benches and desks aligned in different rows. He stopped next to the last bench and caressed the desk with his fingers. " this was my seat. I clearly remember."

I knitted my brows. " you were a back bencher?" Students who weren't interested in studies preferred the last benches and he was one of them? It wasn't something that I had expected.

He let out a faint smile a smile that failed to reach his eyes. " initially it was extremely tough for me to adjust to this new place, surroundings and students. I felt out of place and lonely." His last word lonely stirred something within me and reminded me of the time I'd spent at my in laws place. Surprisingly I could absolutely relate to what he must have felt during his initial boarding days. At such a young age being away from home and family, in a completely new environment where everyone is a stranger for you is scary. I recalled experiencing the same loneliness. But I had never thought that Sahab who came across as carefree, relaxed and happy could have felt something like that.

" I chose this seat because it was close to the window and I often gazed out searching for..."

" your parents?" He eyes darted toward me somewhat surprised. And then he slowly blinked them before turning his neck to once again peer out of the window.

" and did your eyes find what they were looking for?"

This time he didn't turn just shook his head. " no."

I inhaled sharply and swallowed hard. How could parents be so insensitive and abandon their child just like that without caring to look back?

" you didn't question them?"

He moved to stare down at his desk and traced something that had been engraved on it with his fingers, I didn't know what it was.

" when I went back home during holidays I did ask baba. He said he couldn't face me. Why? I still have no clue."

For the first time I was seeing Sahab grim and serious. And for some odd reason I wasn't liking it. Maybe because I could feel his anguish. Though our backgrounds were drastically different yet our childhoods were somewhere similar.

The silence between us stretched for long before his head shot up and he met my gaze. " but nakusha when I was being awarded the best student of the year, baba was here. He was sitting in front row clapping for me." The memory glistened his eyes and brought a huge smile on his face.

And I smiled back. I was happy for him.

" Sahab you seem more close to your baba." This was something that I had felt in Patil niwas too. Though AS was delighted on his return but still there was an undercurrent of tension between the mother and son. They were respectful but still quite distant.

He thought for a moment before replying," baba has been more approachable."

Strange. Usually sons are more close to their mothers but here it was the other way round.

" why were you sent to a hostel?"

" my parents thought that PV didn't have good educational facilities which might have been true but I think that was not the only reason there was something more that they didn't tell me."

" I hope I'm not wrong but I think tayi did her schooling in PV later for college she went to a nearby district outside PV. I mean if she could study there then why couldn't you?"

Leaning against the desk he smirked and crossed his arms before his chest. " absolutely. If supriya could study in those schools then why was I admitted to this boarding school? If supriya could stay at home with my parents then why was I sent away? If all these years supriya could get my mother's attention and love then why couldn't I?"

Shifting on my feet my eyes scattered the floor and my mind compelled me to think about my own parents. They didn't loved me undoubtedly and I'd never seen them loving anyone else too. They weren't capable of loving anybody. Raising my head I glanced at sahab. Sharing your parents love with an outsider hurts but being deprived of their love altogether perhaps hurts even more.

" sahab you never resented tayi?"

He held my gaze for a while. " if I said yes, would it make me look small?"

Not tearing my eyes off him I slowly shook my head. His lips stretched in a smile.

" for some time it did bother me. I envied her. But later I realized it wasn't her fault. She was an orphan and it was very unfortunate so if AS decided to adopt her it was a very good thing. Also she didn't come in between my parents and me. Just that my parents didn't care to be around me when I needed them the most." Depositing his hands in the pockets of his jeans he shrugged. " and now it just doesn't matter."

I respected the way he'd handled the whole thing and seeing him hold no grudge against tayi was commendable. Someone with a big heart I would say.

He strode toward the same window. " nakku do you see that mango tree. That one far away?"

Nakku? I cocked my eye brow. Never mind.

I stood on my toes and tried to peep out but couldn't. His tall frame was blocking my view. I moved the desk aside and stepped behind him. He shifted slightly to give me space and then pointed at a distant mango tree.

" now you see that ?"

I had to squint my eyes to spot it. "hmm."

" several times I would climb that tree and perch on it's strong branches."

I eyed hjm closely. " you would go up there not for the mangoes, I suppose."

He pursed his lips and held the window panes. His face grew pained before he exerted control over his features. But I saw his expression.

"it was my secret hideout. When nobody from home would turn up for parents teachers meeting, to save myself from the teasing of my classmates I would hide myself there for hours and somewhere hopelessly hoped that maybe just today aayi or baba would be interested in meeting me."

My eyes filled up and I batted my eye lids to prevent tears from spilling.

"sometimes I really felt..."

" unwanted?"

He turned his face to look at me. However this time he didn't have to say yes or shake his head to tell me that I was right. Wordlessly the ache and the grief in his dark pools said it all.

thanks for reading

Rose

Shade 18

Finally her cough subsided. I had no idea that the samosas would be so spicy for nakusha. The fact that she had bland food almost slipped out my mind. Her whole pink face had turned red not because I had angered or embarrassed her but been careless. I felt guilty.

She had a few more sips of water as supriya rubbed her back. I eyed her warily expecting some narrow gazes and glares thrown at me but she wasn't complaining. She dried her watery eyes with her dupatta before relaxing and leaning her head against the window.

As the train left the station I thought of informing AS that the train was on time and by evening we would be back in PV. Call or message? I wondered.

She was still miffed with me over the argument I had with her the other day. She believed that nakusha had filled my ears. In fact she didn't even want nakusha to accompany us instead ordered mausi to go to pune. Luckily or unluckily on the last day mausi caught flu and she wasn't in a position to travel so reluctantly she had to send nakusha.

Both supriya and I were so relieved.

Even on the first day when she had called her tone was clipped and conversation to the point. I typed a quick message and sent her. After knowing that the trip was successful she would come around.

Keeping the cellphone in my pocket I tore open a packet of wafers and gestured at supriya and nakusha. They both shook their heads. I shrugged and continued to relish the chips while admiring the view outside. Supriya was sleepy, she dropped her head on Nakisha's lap and shut her eyes.

Crumbling the empty wafer packet I looked around for a dustbin.

" what is this? They don't even.."

" shh." Nakusha put a finger on her lips indicating me to shut up.

Oops I didn't realize supriya was sleeping. Nakusha pointed at an empty plastic bag to throw the packet. Resting a light hand on supriya's shoulder she quietly gazed out of the window.

No matter how tough, rude and indifferent she projected herself, deep inside she was soft and caring. Not just toward supriya but her mother too. My jaws clenched when I thought what mausi did to her. How could she get her daughter married at such a tender age and then throw her at her in laws place to rot? She was her own flesh and blood, how could she be so stone hearted to her?

Inspite of all this nakusha still possessed a soft heart . When we went to the fair she chose to pick something not for herself but for her mother. That was sweet on her part.

Sweet was a term I found difficult to associate with her. She was bitter because life had been bitter to her and perhaps she feared that being sweet or vulnerable people would hurt her emotions even more. How unfortunate, just to suit others one had to compromise on ones own personality.

I glanced at her she was looking out lost in her thoughts. Her pale yellow suit matched the color of her skin. Today she was back in her old attire. However she actually looked lovely in that blue suit. She was indeed quite beautiful and I wanted to compliment her but didn't. Because I was scared.

Yes I was scared.

She didn't think highly of me, I knew that so even if I said something honestly I doubted she would trust me. I feared that my genuine compliment would have been considered as flirtation by her. Just like when I had apologized to her she didn't believe me, she thought I was sympathizing with her. And when I suggested her to forget everything and start afresh, she didn't react. Even when I offered her to be friends she didn't accept my friendship. She didn't trust me or probably didn't want to trust me.

I smiled to myself. Whatever might be the reason but she never held my hand.

At the fort when I had extended my hand she didn't take it. The society had pushed her in a corner, to stay aloof and now she was using the same aloofness as a weapon to safeguard herself. She came across as though she didn't want to depend on anybody, didn't wish to engage herself in any kind of emotional relationship. However when I had looked into her lonely eyes, for a moment I'd felt that she desired to hold my hand.

She didn't believe me and people around her, it was fine. I didn't blame her but I wish, she at least believed in herself, believed that she too deserved to be happy. She had a wonderful smile and I hoped that life gave her several reasons to bring that smile on her lips. It was during the light show that once again I got the chance to see her smiling. She was awestruck by the lights and the sheer bliss on her face was an unforgettable sight. She looked like an innocent child with eyes twinkling with wonder and joy. I just couldn't take my eyes off her because my eyes simply refused to blink. She was happy and my eyes were happy to see her happy.

I couldn't recall the last time when I found my happiness in someone else's. Like I had pointed out to her, I didn't sympathized or pitied her. Instead I could feel her pain, understand what she went and was going through. Even before supriya told me about her, it was that sadness and loneliness in her eyes that had tugged my heart. And I wanted to do something that would bring delight to her eyes.

In PV she desperately desired to visit the temple but was forbidden. However here there were no restrictions, she was a free bird so I thought why not take her to a place she always wanted to go. Again it took supriya and me a little bit of convincing but then that was expected. I knew for every new step she would have to be coaxed and pushed. But then all that pushing was worth it.

She didn't notice that from the corner of my eye I was watching her. Standing before the idol of bappa she was delighted in the truest sense. It was an unbelievable moment for her. I knew she would be on cloud nine but still I found her behavior slightly odd. Not that I didn't want her to be joyous but after facing so much of trauma at a such a young age and still going through hell, anybody's faith in God would shake but she continued to believe in Him, that was strange. Had someone else been in her place, I am sure she would be aggrieved, hurt and have a long list of complaints against Him. However instead of cribbing she seemed quite calm. But still I felt that something bothered her because for a moment I think I saw her lips quiver and her face pained as though she was curbing something terrible within her.

And that particular moment forced me to rethink about my decision of bringing her to the temple and on top of that I had even asked supriya to arrange that small puja. I intended to make that visit special for her...in a good sense and didn't wish to offend or upset her. However fortunately later everything fell into place. She agreed to participate in that puja and did everything gladly. Though there were specs of grief that shadowed her face but not for long. Her hesitancy yet her desire to decorate the idols was...sweet. I liked that.

Also she had a fair bit of knowledge of how things were done. For instance supriya and I forgot to cover our heads and she immediately reminded us with her famous glares. And then once again I made a total fool of myself by opening my mouth to eat that ladoo.

God why can't I resist ladoos? Never mind it happens. With me it happens quite often.

I grinned and peered at nakusha. She had her eyes closed.

The train stamped in. we had reached PV but both the girls were sleeping. The engine whistled loudly startling both of them and they woke up with a jerk. Supriya yawned and stretched her body as nakusha pulled down the bags.

And then nakusha lifted her dupatta to cover her face and I cringed.

Yes we were standing in PV and it hit me hard. But nakusha she seemed normal.

Didn't it hurt her?

Perhaps these two days of her life failed to overshadow almost twenty years of her widowed life.

"Widow" I loathed this word.

Not just nakusha but nobody deserved to live this wretched life. I swore to myself that one day I would change things here. I had something in mind but for that I needed time.

Supriya and nakusha were already moving out of the train and I silently followed them. Thankfully this time a driver had come to pick us up. Before getting into the car I once again gazed at nakusha. It pained me to see that only her eyes were uncovered. It was as if the moon had been forced to hide behind the clouds. I also noticed that the area where the red tikka which pundit Ji had put on her forehead was slightly pink. Maybe she had vigorously rubbed it to take it off. However I hoped that the memories of this trip stayed with her for sometime.

Memories are like that good or bad they somehow manage to find a place in our minds and hearts. No matter how much we try to eradicate them from our lives but just a spark is needed to rekindle them. For instance when we arrived in pune I began to feel restless. The whole night I couldn't sleep properly because the years that I had spent in the city came rushing back and I so badly wanted to revisit my school to relive those memories.

My years in boarding were tough but still they were special. There were some incidents that I wouldn't like to forget because they made me proud, they made me smile and they made me happy. My past was dear to me , though I had friends but I didn't share my feelings with them. However I have idea what prompted me to bare me heart out to nakusha. While showing her my class, I just got emotional and vent out my feelings to her. She seemed surprised and confused so she questioned me and very effortlessly words came out of my mouth. I neither hesitated nor found the need to hide anything from her. Not for a moment did I feel that she was disinterested on the contrary I thought that she was curious to know more about me.

Though she didn't accept my friendship but I found a friend in her. She wasn't judgmental and most importantly she could feel my pain. Though we were poles apart still we had something in common. We both had a difficult childhood. In spite of having families somewhere both our parents had led us down. We both were lonely maybe that's what connected me to her.

It was unbelievable, till two days back she couldn't stand me, having a proper conversation was out of question. However yesterday she patiently heard not only what I said but also what I didn't. She took me by surprise by giving words to my emotions. How could she understand me so easily and clearly when we hardly knew each other.

Yesterday I was glad that I was no longer alone in my class, she was there with me.

The driver opened the door pulling me out of my thoughts. Supriya ran out and hugged AS who was standing at the doorsteps waiting for us. She began rattling about the trip and both of them turned to go inside the house.

So my mother was here for supriya! I grinned to myself. Why even for a second I expected her to wait for me?

I whirled to retrieve my bag from the car boot.

" sahab." Turning my neck I looked at nakusha. Her green eyes searched my face.

" thank you. Thank you for...everything."

thanks for reading

Rose