Grasping at Straws
It's been weeks. She has been trying for weeks. To create some difference in their lives. To feel like some part of this family. To force them to reminisce the older times, the happier times and connect with them.
But she hasn't been able to create a little crack, leave alone an entire wedge.
Shagun Arora was a woman scorned - scorned by the man she perceived as her soul mate, as the person she deserved. When she had left her ex, she had done so believing that she was leaving for the greener pastures. For the better life.
That man had ditched her, and the ignorance, the blind eye he had turned towards her, burned her insides. And if she couldn't be a part of that man's life, she would make sure that she was in Raman's. She deserves to feel secure; she deserves the love and security that comes with being someone's wife. She knows, she believes that the man she had left behind cannot move on - he cannot replace her. She was and is his one true love, she reminds herself every single day.
But now, as she witnesses Ishita and her ex's mother laughing and working around in the kitchen, chatting away with Simmi who's busy with her baby, she feels like a stranger. She cannot, for the life of her, remember a time when they had spent such a moment with her. The ease, the comfort, the entire familiarity - she tries to search through all her memories, but comes up short.
She's sitting on the couch, pretending to read a magazine, while noticing them from the corner of her eyes. They are talking about some incident wherein Ishita''s mother had accidentally served her husband alcohol or something. Adi and Ruhi are upstairs and for once, Shagun just observes these people who were once her family. Once, they had been hers - and she had walked out on not just her husband, but them too, six years ago.
Raman's mother says something about wearing blue to their house help - she doesn't know her name and neither does she want to acquaint herself with it - and though she doesn't get it, it has Ishita and Simmi bursting out into cackles. It is then that she notices the fourth voice, the booming laugh of her ex, as he makes his way down the stairs and into the kitchen.
Not even a nod in her direction.
He seats himself at the dining table and takes to playing with Simmi's kid - Ananya, she remembers belatedly.
"Blue mein toh aur bhi log ache lagte hain, nahi Ma?" he says and she doesn't' understand the implication. She notices the blush that covers Ishita's face, but it doesn't look like anyone else sees it.
"Haan puttar. Mujh par kaafi suit karta hai. Thank you," his mother replies, and she has to hide her silly smile at her words and her broken English. She is still the wannabe literate who thinks too much of herself, she thinks bemusedly.
The rest of the family laughs openly with her and move on to talking about other things - mundane things. Raman asks Simmi about her daughter's health while the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law resume their activities in the kitchen. She watches as Ishita brings a cup of green tea for her ex and the way he seems to hold onto her hand for a moment longer than necessary.
Something churns in her stomach as she watches them - the subtle glances, the blushes, the way their eyes seem to follow each other as they go about doing their daily chores. She doesn't want to see it, but its right there.
No matter how much she tries to ignore it, tries to make herself believe that Raman CANNOT forget her, cannot move on in life, with this archetypal behenji of a woman, when these little moments happen, something which resembles a lot to jealousy works up its way into her gut.
She doesn't love her ex anymore, she has always known that. But knowing that he has found someone who makes him forget her is a bitter pill, which she forbids herself from digesting. Especially when she had rejected him, and now she has no one. No one to turn to.
She doesn't realize that she has been crushing the pages of the magazine as she watches them until the house help brings forth a glass of green tea for her and asks her to accept it. The doorbell rings just as she starts drinking it and the maid goes on to open the door.
"Bhaiya, koi frames lekar aaya hai," she announces in the room and Shagun notices Raman lighting up at the news.
"Andar bhej do unhe, Neelu," he answers and then turns to the three women with him, "Humari puraani photos toh jal gayi thi na, toh I thought, ki naye ghar mein nayi photos ho jaaye." All of them seem pacified and she pretends to be very interested in her tea as Raman takes the men upstairs.
It hits her then - these photos are memories of the past, and suddenly Shagun is very inquisitive to know if she is a part of any of them. They had so many memories in the seven years they had been together, that she is almost sure that somewhere or the other she'll be present in them. At least her essence would be present in them.
It's after lunch that she finally gets the time to go upstairs. The wall next to stairs is filled with photos of the four siblings of the house - there are also photos of Mihir in there and she realizes that while she had denounced these people, the very same ones had adopted Mihir as their own. As she looks at her brother, looking happy and content in those pictures, it hits her that he doesn't just call him "Bhai," this family considers him their blood.
And something churns in her gut again. While she had lost her brother, he had gained an entire family - she should be happy for him, but all she can feel is a bitterness and longing. Before she can think long about it, she shakes her head and moves on to the corridor.
Ruhi's room is the first room and the door to it is open. The kids are out playing after eating lunch, and so she softly makes her way into the room. She notices that almost all the photos are too recent, too new to have her in them and swallows at that. There are pictures of Ruhi with everyone - her grandparents, Raman and Ishita, uncles and aunts.
Shagun Arora always tries not to feel much, but somehow her eyes fill up as she grasps that her daughter is and will probably never be hers again. It had always been about defeating Raman and then Ishita when it came to Ruhi, she had never spent enough time with Ruhi to forge a bond with her. Her maternal instincts had never been on an alert when it came to the girl, but she prides herself on being her mother. Ishita would always be her step-mother; she used to reason with herself. But as she sees the smiles on her face, the contentedness in her eyes, the fact that she is her biological mother doesn't come to her rescue. Guilt overwhelms her - not just because she's deprived her daughter of maternal love, but also because she comprehends that she's never seen the same look on Adi's face. Never seen his face devoid of all tensions and filled only with satisfaction and ecstasy. It's the look that makes her feel like complete failure at being a mother.
She quietly sobs into her hands for a few minutes and then composes herself as she hears the sound of something falling.
Wiping away the tears of guilt from her face, she follows the source of the noise and comes up right outside her ex's bedroom. Fighting a part of her that feels like a voyeur, she looks into the room through the door that has been left open. It takes her a second to find the people occupying the room because they are sitting on the floor.
What does catch her eye though is the huge frame hanging on the wall behind their bed. It is a colossal picture of his ex and his new wife, covering the entire wall - they are in shades of pink and grey and instead of looking at the camera, seem to be looking at each other. The photo screams love and tenderness and Shagun recognizes the looks on their faces, knows the emotions in those eyes.
They had once been for her.
Another thud breaks her out from her musing and she pays attention to the duo on the floor.
Confused, she watches as Raman tries to snatch something from Ishita's hand while she struggles to get up and move away. The sound must have been them falling on the ground, she understands, and digs her nails into her hands as the couple keeps wrestling and giggling on the floor.
"Look, give it to me," Raman says and she sees Ishita roll her eyes and poke her tongue out.
"Why? I want to read it."
"I don't want you to read it."
"Raman, it is in a magazine. Everyone is going to read it," she explains to him only to have him answer, "I don't care if everyone else reads it. It's my wife I care about."
"Care about, my foot. Dekho, either I'll read it here, in the privacy of our bedroom, or outside in the living room, in front of everyone. Which one would you prefer?"
This seems to alarm Raman, because he relaxes his hold on her and swears under his breath.
"Okay, fine. You win this time, Jhansi ki Rani. Read it right now, if you want to. Because I'll burn it after you do," he replies defiantly.
"I'll just buy another copy, but fine, get up. Let me read it."
She watches Raman smirk and get up only to pull his wife to his lap and seat her there.
"You don't have to get up to read it, you moron. Saath mein read karte hain," he says and the blush on Ishita's face is extremely prominent as she looks back at him. His hands go around her waist, pulling her towards him and he adjusts his face in the hollow of her neck and gets comfortable.
Shagun can feel her nails breaking into her skin and it feels as though something is crawling on her, but for the life of her, she cannot move her legs, her eyes or interrupt them.
She feels like a complete failure as she watches her ex nuzzle into Ishita's hair and Ishita smile sneakily at that while she silently reads whatever it is that they have been fighting about.
"Ismein aisa kya hai? This is just a regular interview, Raman. Why all the fuss?"
"Turn the page. Question number eighteen," is all he replies with.
Ishita does so and a wide smile seems to stretch on her lips as she reads it and she turns her face to look at him. Her smirk almost reminds her of the one she's seen on Raman's face and she recognizes the reason behind it as Ishita reads out loud.
"You have been known to attribute your success to your wife. But she's hardly seen much in the public eye. Tell us something about her."
"Ishita. She's...she's not just my wife - she's my confidante, my best friend. She is calm and then she is hot-tempered. She's understanding and mature and then she has her bouts of childishness and utter ridiculousness when she's with our daughter. She's optimistic and can find happiness in the littlest of things. She's an enigma. But above all, she's patient and caring and kind and sympathetic. It doesn't matter what I do or what my actions lead to, I trust her to have my back. And for me...that's novel. As the eldest son in my family, I've always been the protector, played to part of a responsible person. But now...now, she's my protector. She's my savior. Ishita has saved me from my own demons, and that is something I'll always be thankful for. She makes me a better father, a better son, a better brother and all in all inspires me to be a better human being. Till she came, I never knew what I needed. And now that she's in my life, there is nothing more I can ever want. (Mr. Bhalla smiles and hides his face in his hands.) My wife is never going to let me live this down!"
"Kya baat hai? Badi tareef kari meri! You never say anything like this to my face," Ishita says while Shagun is lost in the words she just heard.
Had Raman actually said these words to the world? She had ignored every little signal that told her that Raman had moved on. She had always thought that every little public moment they had shared was to show off to her. It was a way to make her feel jealous - it had been staged to show her that Ishita was his wife now. But this interview and these little moments were a slap to her face.
Once she had been the one who occupied his room, his heart, every corner of it. But now, this woman was everywhere. In his family's hearts, in her daughter's heart and in his life. There's something so wretched in watching Raman turn her and straddle him and whispering something in her ear that makes her hit him and utter "Kuch Bhi." Something gnaws at her heart when they both lean in towards each other.
Before she can witness the tender meeting of their lips, Shagun turns away and runs off to the sanctuary of Simmi's bedroom. This time, there aren't any quiet sobs - these sobs wrack her entire being and she succumbs to the floor in their effect.
These tears aren't of guilt or sadness or loss. The tears that make their way down from her eyes are because of the emptiness she feels. They make her feel hollow and inconspicuous. They are the reminder that she's lost everything she once had because of her need to find better things in life and now she has nothing left to lose.
Not for the first time, something that resembles satisfaction and happiness dies in Shagun Arora. All that's left in her empty being is regret.
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Not my best work, but please leave behind your likes and comments. You guys have no idea how much they can inspire me to write more!
Making an index sometime soon. Will start PM-ing then :)
Adios!
NeNe
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