I stumbled on something ,I think .My feet is bleeding, it got cut from one of the numerous glass pieces scattered on the floor, but I cannot feel the pain. I can see the red blood now, gushing out with all it's might, reminding me of the seventeenth day of the war...
When I saw his lifeless body on the battlefield that day, it gave me immense pleasure. I had killed my greatest mortal enemy, but the strangest thing about the motionless body was the serene smile on his face and now I know its reason.
"Angraaj Karn was your eldest brother!", my mother uttered this bitter truth and it is echoing in my ears, I can't take it anymore! I felt someone stabbed me a thousand times with a dagger, ruthlessly! The entire world around me was spinning..."And I hated him all my life?" that was all I could mutter under my breath in this state of trance. I looked up to see my mother's guilt stricken face. Whom should I blame for this? I thought. Arjun -the greatest archer of the world...murdered his own brother...so this was the title with which I have to spend the rest of my life!... My entire body was shaking, a few beads of sweat on my brows, I had become as white as a sheet, I feel so numb right now...Have I collapsed? Am I dead or alive?"
I rolled my eyes around the room; everyone's left, leaving me alone in this acute darkness with my bleeding feet. I secretly wished a sage to curse me at least that would be way better than this immeasurable pain and repent which I am feeling right now!
How could she keep this secret for so long? How could Madhav do this to me? He seems to know everything about everyone! He was the one who instigated me to kill my brother when he was such a helpless state! As it always had the Gods once again conspired against my noble elder brother...and for me...my fate too betrayed me and my own close ones encouraged me to commit such a heinous crime.
Tomorrow is the coronation ceremony of Yudhisthir but the rightful heir to the throne is gone, leaving us in the middle of a shaky empire which is plunged into deep grief, with thousands of women wailing, blaming us for their miseries He left us, we will be forever indebted to him, we cannot repay him back, in this life or the other.
For the first time in my life I felt so envious of Duryodhan. He received all the love, affection, care of Karna and I... I was on the opposite side of this huge river of hostile enmities that separated us throughout our lives. When I saw him for the first time in the Rangbhoomi, with his gold armor and the little kundals which adorned his ears, for a moment I got mesmerized by this remarkable young man, who copied my every feat with sheer perfection. But his open detest for me shunned everything. From that day on we became sworn enemies...
How foolish I was! A man with such great expertise, heavenly looks, topped with unnatural virtuousness and that generosity...was a Suta? A low born? It was all a misfit! How couldn't I see through it? He was no doubt a Kshatriya! Maybe it was impossible for me to see this as I was already blinded with hatred.
A fresh set of hot warm tears is rolled down my cheeks. I don't remember the last time I cried so much...probably on Abhimanyu's death or not... What else can I do? My mind is not giving me back any answers. Yudishthir in a fit of anger cursed our mother for keeping us in the dark, for not letting us know about her son born out of wedlock. And I? Why are people not cursing me? I was the one who fired that arrow on my brother! Please Madhav, punish me... punish me for my wrong deeds otherwise I'll not be able to live with such a heavy load of regret...relieve me of my miseries.
Take back this kingdom, take back this throne, what's the use of all this when we've already lost so much? Damn this bloody war! It snatched everything away from us! They say we emerged as victors in this Dharmyudh but here we stand at the threshold of a new day as the biggest losers! I folded my hands and prayed frantically..."Oh Lord Varun! Please please...take my Gandiv back and return my Karna and sons instead...alive!" I pierced my eyes in the darkness to anticipate any movement, anyone to pop out from the thin air, anything divine to appear who would come to return my family back but nothing bloody moved at all in that still night...
I lifted the small mahogany chair and banged it on the floor and down it came thrashing...breaking into numerous pieces. I don't know why I was doing it but it seemed the best way to vent out my frustration, my anger on all those people who had put me into this frenzy! I was breathing heavily, but his face kept coming to my mind and somehow those curled lips, that broad forehead, and those deep set eyes-the saddest of all in the entire Aaryavat was successful in calming me down...and I reflected back on his melancholic life.
My mother abandoned him when he was just born as she feared the consequences; she would have to face, an unmarried mother-that was the first time when he was killed. The second time was when she saw her son again a grown up man now, but refused to accept him and acknowledge him as her first born, in fear of getting humiliated by the society. Duryodhan befriended Karna, giving him his social rights, which he deserved, making him a king and a warrior and in return Karna gave himself away at his feet. Little did he know that he too had to be a part in all his wrong deeds and it strangled him from the inside-that was fourth time when he was killed. And the last one was a real death which stopped the beating of his heart...forever...when I fired the Anjalika astra, killing him treacherously. He was killed before; multiple times by his own loved ones...maybe I just lulled him into eternal sleep, and relieved him from his never ending grief. He went away from a world which took away everything from him but gave nothing in return...
One by one he spared the lives of Sahdev, Nakul, Bheem, Yudhisthir and finally mine till he breathed his last breath, as he had promised our mother he would not kill any of her sons on the battlefield as he was man of his word.'
I got so outraged and jealous whenever Madhav praised you; he used to consider you as my equal. "You both are dear to me but Angraaj is a victim of circumstances!" this is what Madhav always said, and now I know why...he even praised you on the 17th day of the war when you displayed your unmatched archery skills by pushing our chariot some feet away when the Creator of the Universe-Madhav himself drove it! You are and will always be superior to me but my ego did not allow me to accept this truth when you were alive and it was proven that day when I had to kill you in the most unsoldierly manner ...my ill-fate that I never got a chance to have you as my mentor unlike Duryodhan.
Unfortunately I never felt the warmth in the touch of your hand and tenderness in your smile and words...but from now on I take all the quarrels between us as your invaluable advices and the arrows fired by you as your blessings I don't know why but I am smiling to myself, as it provides some relief to my guilty heart.
"Who's that outside, in such a chilly night?"I wondered as I looked out of the window. I saw a figure of a teenage boy; I went out of my room and rushed towards him as I immediately understood who he was. I hugged him with all my might as he was about to bend down to touch my feet, "Forgive me son", I whispered in his ears. I cupped my hands around his face to look at him, as he resembled every inch to his father, "You have your father's eyes!", I said softly as I gazed at his lotus-shaped eyes which were glistening with tears. I hugged him again, close to my heart not wanting to loose him as I lost his father, he will be my son!
I wish you were alive; we would have been an invincible duo. No one could dare to raise his eyes against Hastinapur! You were great, noble, heroic and were tailored to be a perfect human. I feel immensely relieved as I have your son now here, to fill the void in our family. I hope I'll be able to overcome all the injustice meted out to you through your son. I looked up at the sky as I know you are watching us right now with an assured smile on your face... I want to shout out and let the world know that you were my...my brother-Karna!
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