Originally posted by: Burn_the_Ashes
This has already been posted on my twitter.
This is my Tribute to Vidushi.
Nisha is an amazing actress and she deserves more appreciation.
This is also for my friend Aimy, this is how I react to reading all our scraps again.
For moony and Shreya and all my Vidarth DT buddies, this is what a crappy precap does to me.
For Rae to tell her this is how my head works. Tissues advised!
Now i feel so bad Ash :( you had a dedication in this for me and I took SOOO long to review...
This is how you lose her
Sounds deep yaar... I'm even more excited to read this, especially after reading your last poem on Vidarth!
You've all been there where I'm standing now, with eyes tainted a shade of bloody red from all the sobbing and sniffles and the head that pounds so bad that you want to scream for it to stop so that your throat feels as raw and stripped down as your soul. Woah girl you wasted absolutely NO TIME in creating a mood for this OS. "Eyes tainted a shade of bloody red" that's the most beautiful way I've ever heard someone describe red eyes! "your throat feels as raw and stripped down as your soul" I want to say something, i just cant seem to find the words because after reading that I'm at a loss. Anything I say will sound pathetic compared to what you have just written. I have so much respect for you as a writer Ash, particularly when you write such emotional things like this. Your talent with words never fails to impress or amaze me. But what I'm impressed by the most is the way you've captured a feeling here... a feeling that I'm sure everyone has experienced (I know I have on multiple occasions). And you take that indescribable feeling and pen it down to perfection. This first paragraph itself is perfection... I have a feeling I'm going to love getting to see how your head really works because right now it seems like a majestic place full of phenomenal thoughts.
But you don't.
You can't and you won't because it never makes the pain go away like a magical curse and it would make things worse. It's like you're looking in my soul and writing down all the emotions I'm too scared to express verbally. I'm not sure how you're doing it, but it's making me very scared because I can FEEL the vulnerability she is experiencing right now, almost as if I'm experiencing it myself.
They'd call you more names, adding to the already long list that was recited in your face. My heart breaks for her.
And you watched through tear-filled eyes as he sat there with an accusing glare and asked you "How could you?" Didn't think it was possible, but my heart breaks even more, You weren't kidding when you said we'd need tissues. I can already tell that I'm going to go through an entire box of them while reading this.
And you just sit there and sob, telling him you wouldn't, watching your heart break, piece by fragile piece as he refuses to listen to your words. I want to stop reading right now because it's getting so emotional and it's bringing back so many memories that I buried in the past. I want to stop reading right now because I'm scared of what your words will do to me. I want to stop reading right now because it's starting to become less fictional and more realistic the more I read. I don't know where you got the courage to write something as confronting as this (maybe you weren't as affected as I am) but you have just moved so much higher in my eyes.
Aren't they all lies anyway?
Your words are just as worthless to the world as the words they call you. I really did start tearing up here. I tried to hold it in because crying just makes me feel weak. But the sensitivity of this sentence, the masked pain behind it... I don't even know what to say.
Hushed whispers, rumbling laughter and lewd gestures.
Part of you dies with every demeaning, sickening word that passes through their lips. I'm in love with this. No matter how confronting, no matter how depressing... it's a beautiful right down to it's core. The amount of empathy I feel can't be measured.
A greater chunk of your heart is torn away when he just sits there like a rock, doing nothing. Tears are flowing freely now. I'm not even picturing this in my head anymore because the words themselves are powerful enough to elicit such deep emotions.
And then you wonder, is he really an angel or is his heart just made of stone? The amount of times that I've put my faith in somehow who doesn't seem to give a damn... I understand what she's feeling right now. To have so much trust and hope in someone, but to be constantly let down by them is possibly the worst feeling in the world.
Your questions don't answer themselves.
They never do. Beautiful! Absolutely beautiful. "Your questions don't answer themselves" it's so unique and powerful.
By the time half a day passes, you attempt to salvage whatever is left of yourself. "Salvage whatever is left of yourself" you really know how to elicit an emotional response out of your readers. Not sure where this talent comes from but it's when I read things like this that I realize just how lucky I am to have met you.
You let your hair cover your face, the same face that's now accessible to anyone with an internet connection. This just makes me feel so damn guilty. I've seen something similar happen to my friend and there was nothing I could do to help... or maybe I just didn't try hard enough.
You loved that face once, you worshiped it in front of the mirror, you enhanced it with makeup and you captured it in images. Images frozen in time and memory. I wish there was an emoji that I could use to convey my feelings because I'm at a loss for words right now.
And now you want to wipe it all away.
Now you can't even look at it without wanting to destroy it. My heart aches for her once again. I can't even begin to imagine the humiliation she went through. I can't even begin to imagine how you managed to write this so beautifully without wanting to burst into tears every five minutes.
Rip it to pieces and let them fly away into oblivion. Oblivion... that word itself holds so much power! It's funny because oblivion is one of my biggest fears, but it's something I long for at the same time. I'm not sure if anyone else understands what I mean though.
It was vanity that got you into it, really. Stupidity played a role but it was a deep rooted narcissism and an urgent need to get what you can't. Oh come on, you're not that bad Vids. I hate seeing her in this state where she's blaming herself for what happened. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! How I wish I had someone to say that to me when I needed it.
That was what made you chase him in the first place.
Not anything else.
Especially not love.
And that it what you tell yourself. This is slowly wrecking me. Watching her make the same mistakes that I once did. Underestimating yourself to the point where you think that you'll never be good enough for anyone.
It was not love.
Bitches can't feel love, can they? Please stop! Stop with all this self-hate. That sounds very hypocritical coming from my mouth 😕 I want you to publish this or post it someone where more people can access it. Because there are so many out there who would benefit so much from reading this. I would have.
Love isn't meant for girls like you, girls who aren't considerate and sacrificing and girls who don't give in to what is expected by the society. Stupid society and their stupid expectations. Sometimes I feel like yelling at the amount of pressure society places of us to be a certain kind of person. Who cares if she isn't sacrificing... she's herself and that's all that matters. But no, society tells her to "be herself" and then forces her to change who she is to match their needs. It's like no one is allowed an individual identity anymore because being different is "bad". And then people wonder why there are so many unhappy teenagers in the world... maybe it's because you've created a world for them where they are forced to hide who they truly are... maybe it's because you've created a world for them where they're forced to be unhappy. You know it's very easy for people looking on to underestimate what people feel sometimes. You think, "they're just overreacting" or "what an attention seeker/drama queen". God how I wish you could step into their shoes and see just how badly they're affected by every little thing you do! The reality is that our world today (or at least where I live) is full of judgmental people waiting for you to make a wrong move so they can pounce on you!!!!
I'm sorry about that rant... reading this has really evoked strong emotions inside me and I know it probably has nothing to do with your OS but I want to leave it there for others to see and hopefully understand.
Love isn't for people who lie through their teeth and twist their words.
Love isn't for people like you, who resent and repent and do the same thing over and over like they work on clockwork.
Love isn't for you. At the start you said that I would need a tissue box and I do, but I never thought that it would be for angry tears instead of sad tears. I just feel so ANGRY reading this. Angry at our dysfunctional world and the lack of honest, understanding and most importantly, nonjudgmental people in it.
And you pop your sim card into your old beat up Nokia phone and toss the smartphone into a bin.
You clear the phone-memory and Sd-card memory first though.
Like you wish you could clear their memories.
But not your own.
You deserve pain. No, just please no. That line used to be my best friend and worst enemy at the same time. To be very honest sometimes it still is.
And so you take it. I hate watching others bear the burden of feeling like they're responsible for something when they're clearly not. It breaks my heart when people so kind and true feel as though they don't deserve to be happy.
Every word and every glare that you earn drills a hole in your heart.
But you take it.
Like the first class bitch you are. I can't stop crying Ash. I want to, but I just can't stop. I kind of wish i stopped reading before because after I'm done reading this there is no going back. As of right now I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing (but either way you're writing is fabulous and no matter what I feel while reading, never forget that)!
They take the unfortunate Video down.
The dean has half a mind to expel you, but she doesn't.
Like always, she's all for making you face the consequences of your mindless,stupid and reckless action. (All in her words)
You are bound to agree.
Let's face it.
You did it to yourself, didn't you? NO YOU DIDN'T! I feel so helpless watching on and not being able to do anything. It's almost like I'm looking into a mirror at my younger self and it breaks my heart.
You deserve this. NO ONE deserves this. No matter how bad a person they are, no one deserves to feel what you're feeling now. It's too big a punishment.
It's not any closer to being different when the interminable day finally takes mercy on you and ends.
But the words don't end.
Nor do the lewd smses and offers.
So you switch your phone off, toss it into a corner, wishing you could do the same with your own heart. I want it to stop! Please make it stop. The more she curses herself, the more my heart breaks for her.
Not heart.
Brain.
Beacause bitches like you don't have a heart. No, just please, no.
That's what you repeat to yourself as your eyes refuse to close, scared of facing a dream worser than reality. I don't think that's possible because what you're facing and feeling right now is worse than any nightmare could possibly be.
But then you decide to close your eyes.
It can't get worse. You think that, but then God has to go play tricks on you and bring about something to make your life even worse. Sorry, I shouldn't blame God because it's just karma and luck I guess, and sometimes the best of people have the worst luck.
You're at the depths of hell, you can't sink lower.
That's what he said. He's a jerk-faced ass who doesn't deserve a single tear of yours.
You try to think of other things, scary things, hopeful things, anything except him.
But you are impaired.
He's the scariest hope you've nurtured for a long, long time. Most beautiful line I've read yet. The "scariest hope" shows her vulnerability and how afraid she is of how much faith she has in him. "Long, long time" just tells me that she's been dealing with "demons" for so long that she'd almost given up, until he came along.
And you can't dream of anything except him.
That's how you wake up, drenched in sweat and tears. Sadly, I've woken up like that on many many nights. That is, if I even managed to fall asleep in the first place.
With no one to hold your hand or tell you it's going to be fine in the end.
Because it isn't.
It's not going to be fine. I want to give encouraging words her, say that it's all going to be alright. But what you've written is the reality of life. NOTHING is ever going to be fine in the end. NOTHING is every going to be alright. But what I can say is that somehow, someday you learnt to deal with all these thoughts. You learn to filter them to the back on your mind, ignoring the emotions they bring about. But one fine day those thoughts will break through and come crushing back. I only hope that by then you have found someone to depend on, because that much of a a burden is too big to bear alone.
And you are glad you can't lie to yourself anymore.
The morning is like a slap to the face. Mornings suck!
The sunlight seems zealously enthusiastic. I hate the sun!
You get ready in under five minutes for the first time in your life. Still waiting for that day to happen for me.
Because you can't look in the mirror for more than a second without wanting to smash it. If there was anymore of my heart left to break it would be breaking right about now.
To smash your face to match your soul. This is all really confronting. I have so much to say but I'm scared of writing it all down. I pity her, I pity her so much. But I respect you so much for having the courage to explore feelings like this. I don't think anyone else could have done it in such an emotional way. This is not even fiction to me anymore. It's reality!
But that would just add to the list of names they call you to your face.
And so, you walk away.
They gawk and glare and ogle as you take your usual seat, desperately trying to hold onto a fragment of normalcy. Tears are back again.
But there's nothing left to hold on to.
And so, you let go. Funnily enough, the tears stop. It's not numbness but it's something similar that overcomes me. I guess i just relate to her character so much that I can feel what she's feeling right about now. Or maybe I just see a little of myself in her.
You bow your head down as you walk the halls you used to think you owned. Truthfully, to this day I still do that. Walk with my head down because I'm scared that someone will look me in the eyes and see past the facade on the outside. Or maybe I'm just scared that they'll look me in the eyes and not see anything at all.
You barely open your mouth that was previously uncensored.
You won't look into anyone's eyes if you can help it.
Especially his.
Half your heart hates itself. Moving away from the sad stuff for a minute... i like that you said "half your heart" to show the internal battle she faces. It's a lot more moving and powerful than saying that he heart hates itself.
Half your hearts wonders what he thinks.
After all this time it wonders.
Does he ever wonder?
And this is how you lose yourself again. Woah, I need to take a minute to just appreciate what I just read. You can't see me but I'm standing up and clapping for you right now. You're beyond amazing Ash, a true artist. Hope this passion continues to stay alight in you.
In him.
This is how you lose yourself.
Now you are not even you anymore.
You are not that girl.
Remember that girl?
Well, this is how you lose her.
This is how you and her, both of you, fade.
This is how she disappears.
Becomes exacatly what she swore she won't.
Empty. This is really creepy because I wrote these exact lines (last two) in my journal a long time ago (a few words were different here and there of course). I meant what I said about feeling as though I was looking into a mirror while reading this, and this part just strengthens that feeling even more.
You said that I would get to see how your head words and after reading this I'm only more confused about your mind. There's sheer brilliance in there, but at the same time I feel like you're such a complex person that I'm yet to fully understand.
I don't know where you got the inspiration for a lot of the parts from, but I'm very happy I read this. It was very confronting, no doubt, in fact I feel emotionally drained after reading it and commenting. I just hope that all the insecurities I displayed through my comments don't scare you off. I never planned to be so open but reading you OS made me feel almost secure to share my real thoughts and feelings.
Anyways, this comment was really different from anything I've ever written. I'm not too sure if you will like it or not, but I hope it's good enough. Thanks so much for the crying session, I really needed it.
- Rae
P.S. I just want to add this here also. I'm not sure if you got this from my comments, but I absolutely loved this OS. Yes it was emotionally draining, but I meant that in a good sense. It's very rare that you come across a piece of writing that has the ability to make you experience so many strong emotions that it's overwhelming. So hats off to you girl. Secondly, a big big BIG thanks from me. You gave me the opportunity to confront aspects about myself that I was too scared to in the past. I've become so used to hiding things, to ignoring feelings because it's too hard to deal with them. Whilst I was reading this I became the most honest I have been to myself in a very long time. So thanks for giving me the opportunity to take a massive weight off my shoulders. Love you to the moon and back!
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