No Time For Doubt (Arjun-Draupadi OS)
As Arjun walked towards his tent, he pondered over the conversation he'd just had with Madhav. It was the night before the 17th day of the Great War. Bhima had just returned to their camp after ripping Dushassan's body"a befitting end to one of the most monstrous of the Kaurav brothers.
"I wonder why Madhav doubted my ability to defeat Karna? He looked worried. That's so out of character for him. Wasn't he the one who asked me to shed all my fears and not worry about the outcome? Then why is he worried about my duel with Karna? Does he know something that I'm still unaware of?"
Since the war had started, it didn't take much to waver Arjun's confidence, especially when Madhav himself had raised an eyebrow. There was no doubt Karna was a gifted warrior but the few times he'd fought Karna, whether it was after the swaymvar in Kampilya or in Virat, he had overcome his prowess with his skill and intelligence. So, what was new? Karna had lost his divine armor to Indra and Indra's divine weapon on Ghatodkach. These losses should've weakened his opponent considerably but Madhav's expressions implied otherwise.
The lamps in Yudhishtra's tent were still lit. Jyesht bhrata would certainly calm his dithering heart. Arjun decided to pay his respects before retiring for the night. He was surprised to see Yudhishtra seated at the edge of his bed with head buried in his palms.
"Jyesht bhrata?" A worried Arjun went down on his knees and asked.
"Arjun?" Yudhishtra lifted his head. He looked tired and worn out. 16 days of the gruesome battle had affected all of them. Even the serene and composed oldest brother had started showing traces of worry lines and clouds of an unknown fear hovered over his face.
"Bhrata, why do I feel you're worried tonight? After Bhima's accomplishments on the battlefield today, you should feel content tonight. We're very close to victory now. It won't be days before you're crowned as the king of Bharat Varsh once again. What belongs to you shall be yours in no time. All your worries and fears shall be a thing of the past forever." Arjun cupped his brother's hands in his strong palms.
"I know we're at the doorstep of victory Arjun, but I'm still fearful. I'm fearful of that unknown distance that separates us from the doors of victory. I've never said this before, but I've always had doubts about Karna. He's that invincible force in their army that could annihilate all of us with his talent. The Kaurav brothers never intimidated me. With a warrior like Bhima, why would anyone fear those 100 unrighteous brothers?"
Arjun was taken aback. He withdrew his palms and stood up, affronted by Yudhishtra's words. Was jyesht not confident about Arjun's skills? Like Madhav, did he also doubt his valor against Karna? What was so special about Karna that everyone feared his skills on the battlefield? Yudhishtra knew he had touched a sore chord. Arjun was the most accomplished warrior amongst the Pandavs. Not even in his dreams would he ever doubt his younger brother's valor but there was something about Karna that had haunted Yudhishtra from the moment he had seen him at the competition in Hastinapur. He had never been able to place his finger on it but deep down, he feared that if anyone from the opposition had the ability to defeat them, then it was Karna. Even though he had heard about Karna retreating in the battle at Virat and against the Gandharvas but he had a nagging feeling that the suta putra had reserved his best for this Great War. Was Arjun's skill enough to overpower Karna's best shot at victory?
"Jyesht bhrata, I think I should retire for the night. Shubh ratri." Arjun replied curtly, turning his back to Yudhishtra.
"Vijayi bhavo. May victory be yours tomorrow." With a hesitant smile on his face, Yudhishtra tapped Arjun's shoulder, "Don't take my words to heart Arjun. The only reason I agreed to this war is because of my confidence in Bhima and you. Without both of you, I'm incomplete and not worthy of the kingdom."
"Jyesht bhrata, I'll do my best on the battlefield tomorrow. If Karna manages to defeat me then I'll accept death with open arms. I'm sure bhrata Bhima will avenge my death. You'll still be the king of the world, with or without Arjun."
Arjun didn't wait for jyesht's reply. Aghast, Yudhishtra stood motionless as his younger brother walked out of his tent. The war had shaken all of them up. Having lost Abhimanyu, Ghatodkach and many other relatives and friends had traumatized all their souls. Even the best of friends and brothers could doubt each other in such dire circumstances. Yudhishtra cursed himself for doubting his brother's skill. His own fears that had created the little rift between them. That was unlike Arjun to walk away disrespectfully. Perhaps a good night's rest would do both of them good.
Since Dussashan's death, Draupadi's soul had found wings again. Those wings that had been clipped so mercilessly in the dyut sabha yearned to release themselves from all worldly shackles. She knew her wings needed to be restrained for some more time. Karna, Shakuni and Duryodhana were still forces to be reckoned with. Feeling invigorated, she stepped out of her tent and basked under the soft rays of the moon. The smog from the crematory didn't bother her nostrils any more. She heard Arjun's footsteps in the distance. To her surprise, he walked out of Yudhishtra's tent with a stiff and tense body language.
"Arya!"
Arjun paused as he heard Draupadi's voice float from behind.
"Panchali?" Arjun turned his head. Tiny beads of water shimmered against her thick, freshly washed tresses. They were still unrestrained with no choodamani to grace them. Her radiant smile glowed under the gentle hue of the moonlight. Her skin had been cleansed off the bloodstains but was ablaze like a golden flame. Her eyes lit up like two candles in the darkness of the night. She was in every way a personification of her namesake tonight-Yagnaseni. It'd been years since he had seen that expression of pride mixed with contentment on her face. That expression had been the pride of Indraprastha, the honor of the Pandavs and the dignity of her devotion towards all five brothers. Arjun would've given up anything to see that expression again. His heart was earnest with joy. With Dussashana's death, Bhima had avenged all six of them"something they had all strived for, since the dice game. Tonight should've called for celebration after the sweet taste of a much-awaited victory. With a twinge in his heart, he lowered his eyes as her intense gaze pierced through him. Instead of celebrating that moment of justice with her, he'd been too engrossed in his own fears. The upcoming battle against Karna had consumed his senses. Once again, he had been selfish and ignored her state of mind. Whether they were her tears of anger, grief, separation or joy, he had seldom been there to wipe them.
"Arya, you look worried." Her voice cracked a bit. She touched his arm gently and came closer.
Lifting his eyelids, he was surprised to see that her eyes still glistening with tear droplets.
"Panchali, why're you crying tonight? Hasn't bhrata Bhima's valor on the battlefield brought justice to those incessant tears of yours? Haven't we all waited years to see this day?"
"Arya, these tears shall not cease till you've killed Karna on the battlefield tomorrow."
Arjun didn't know how to react to her statement. As she gazed at him expectantly, he averted his eyes once again. The load of expectations and the doubts created by Madhav and jyesht bhrata had weighed him down.
"What if"what if." He stuttered.
"Are you doubting yourself Arya?" Draupadi raised her eyebrow, "This is not the time for what ifs. If there is anyone in this entire world that can defeat Angraj Karna, then that's either you or Govind. With Govind not participating in the war, I know you're the only one capable of achieving that feat."
"They all say Karna is invincible." Arjun's lips quivered.
"Who are they?" Her eyes blazed with anger. "Have they forgotten your feat on the day of the swaymvar?"
"Karna was disqualified because of his caste. What if he had participated in the swaymvar?"
"He would've lost." She replied firmly.
"How can you be so sure Panchali?"
"Because a man who can't respect a woman would never be worthy of marrying me. If I hadn't rejected him, destiny would've defeated him at the swaymvar. Everyone talks about his feat and accomplishments but no one ever talks about his unrighteousness, his disdain for women like me, his loyalty towards a adharmi like Duryodhan and his life long personal ambition of defeating you in war."
"Even Madhav and jyesht bhrata have a lot of confidence in Karna's skills."
"I don't! He's fighting a personal war whereas you're fighting a war for justice Arya. How can the two even be compared?"
"Madhav is never wrong." Arjun sighed.
With a smug expression, she let out a chuckle, "Govind is your best friend, right? He's your well-wisher and knows the perils of being overconfident. Why do you think yuvraj Duryodhan's chances in this war were doomed from day one? He was over confident about his victory. Govind knows how skilled you are. He knows that even you know you're better than Karna, both as an archer and as a human being. He just doesn't want you to get too over confident. I know Govind would never let us down. This is the moment he's been waiting for and so have we. Without Angraj Karna, the Kaurav army was never a force to reckon with. The foolish Duryodhan would've never dared to fight us without Karna. Karna's demise is the gateway to defeat the Kaurav army."
"Panchali, perhaps it's the pressure of expectations that's weighing me down. I don't want to let anyone down, especially you."
Arjun had finally spoken the truth. She knew him better than he understood himself. All along, she'd known that more than death or defeat, Arjun was afraid of failing her. He had never expressed it in words but since the day Kunti maa had made the decision regarding their marriage, Arjun had never completely forgiven himself. Circumstances had deprived him from proving his worth and his deep- rooted love for her. Her love for Arjun was unconditional, without any expectations and her faith in him was tenacious. If only he could understand.
"Arya, just recall what Angraj Karna said in the dyut sabha. Remember how he insulted all of us that day. Remember how he maligned your wife in front of the whole world. He had no remorse while he attacked our Abhimanyu. If I know you well, you've never forgotten the words he used for me that day. Just like Aryaputra Bhima, you've reserved your wrath for this occasion. Tomorrow, no one would be able to stop you in the battlefield. Even if Indra or any of the Gods came down to protect Angraj Karna, none would be able to face your Gandiv. Arya, if we were born to bring justice in this world, why have any doubts at this stage? Victory shall be yours, or else Yagnaseni's tears would burn this entire great nation of ours. Arya, there's no time for doubt. Give me a reason to wipe off that last tear off my eye tomorrow."
Draupadi's words had stirred the Kshatriya in him. After the dyut sabha, he had pledged to wipe those offensive words hurled at his wife. He had never forgotten Karna's insults-- sharper and deadlier than any arrows he'd ever tackled in the battlefield. The time had come to return those favors with interest. Panchali was right"this was no time for what ifs or self doubts.
Arjun touched her shoulders and smiled, "Panchali, I promise I'll be the first one to wipe that tear off your eyes by sunset tomorrow. Let the world know that no man who's ever insulted a woman as pious and chaste as you shall remain unpunished. Whatever might happen tomorrow, however tough the battle might be, I promise I'll make Angraj Karna repent every word he ever said in that dyut sabha."
She smiled back, placing her palm on his hand, "I know you will. I've always known that the man who won my heart and hand at the swaymvar would never fail me when faced with the greatest trial of his life."
Her words were like nectar for his faltering emotions. Between Krishna and Krishnaa, his wavering heart always managed to find a reinforcement, just like a buttress for a ship lost at bay.
At a distance, Krishna observed his two favorite people engaged in an important but private conversation. With a silent blessing for the couple, he retreated towards his tent. His plan had worked. By creating a doubt in Arjun's mind, he had rattled his confidence a bit. That was much needed. As Draupadi had rightly said, overconfidence could consume the best of men. After Bhima's larger than life effort in the battlefield today, Arjun needed to hear those words of faith and trust from none other than Panchali. Partha loved both Bhima and Panchali dearly but deep down, he harbored guilt, a remorse that he had failed her as a husband when she most needed his support. It wasn't Karna that had made him insecure that night; it was this remorse that had pinched him like a thorn all evening. As always, his sakhi had released her husband from being a slave of his own insecurities.
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