TS-the emotions behind the silence of 16/05

Rudra closed his eyes, the pain was killing him, it was more excruciating than any wound caused by gun bullets and knives had ever been. His eyes snapped open, the flash of Paro's disappointed eyes that didn't want to look at him anymore, tormented him. He wanted to see them sparkle with happiness given to her by him, see them well up with admiration for him, see her smile, hear her laugh loudly the way she did when he'd sing to her. 

"Paro" the name escaped his lips. There was longing in his tone, all he wanted to do was reach out to her and get a proper reaction of her. When he told her of his past with Laila, he expected her to say something, anything, express her disgust, disappointment even call him the jallad she once thought he was but she just looked as torn as he felt, she's wept but refuse to meet his eyes and he couldn't stand this.

Why couldn't she EVER react the way any other girl would. When he held her captive he expected her to testify against Tejawat within a day or two like any petite girl like her would but she remained determined and silent for weeks. When she was free from him he thought she would leave him but she stayed, no matter how many times he pushed her away she came back. He remembered how she'd proposed to him, the shock of it had been felt by every nerve in his body. A girl, one as good and pure as Paro, had wanted to spend the rest of her life with a jaanvar like him! 

But if she reacted like other girls, would he really have been able to admire her the way he did, she would have been just another beautiful woman, not the woman who had the ability to make him speechless, one who made him this restless with her silence, one who made him feel this alive, one who made his composure melt.

For even a moment he didn't regret confessing to Paro about his past with Laila, he had to do that, it made him feel lighter only it didn't. When he married Paro he never intended to actually ever share a husband-wife relationship with her but it could never bring himself to go through with his wedding vows to Paro. Every single time he tried to hurt her, it would cause him pain far greater than that he tried to give her. He tried denying it all the time but there was no point, what she thought, what she did and what she felt it all affected him. For Paro this marriage was sacred and real, on every step she had supported him as his better half, her blind faith and trust in him made it impossible for him to keep her in the dark. If Paro were to love him she would have to know everything about him especially this part of his past.

How was he ever going to get her to talk to him, look at him with the same respect and love she had until a couple of hours ago, how would he ever gain her trust again. No he would not sit here silently. He had to speak to her, make her give him a proper reaction, tell him exactly what was going on her mind. Rudra got up to go back to his room, to Paro.

Paro shut her eyes tightly, tears rolled down her cheeks as she heard Rudra leave their room. Her mind was clouded with Rudra; the caring Rudra, the loving Rudra, the changing Rudra, the janvaar Rudra, the vulnerable and broken Rudra and child Rudra, the Rudra who belonged to her and the Rudra who had just told her he slept with Laila for 8 years and it had meant nothing. 

Rudra's words rang in her head, it gave her goosebumps to even imagine his loneliness. She had a tough childhood losing her parents so early hut she had Mami and Bindi...Rudra had no one, whoever he had, he'd pushed away. 

She knew Rudra's jallad side, the side that didn't flinch to kill, torment or feel anything, the side of him he showed everyone to protect himself from any more emotional pain. She knew Rudra's morals were different to hers but this...what was she to make of this. He was her husband, she herself didn't know the bounds to her love for him but it unnerved her to think how he said without hesitation how it meant NOTHING, it was just a need.

She thought about their moments in Jaipur, how his touch sent waves through her, how her heart raced at double speed when he pulled her closer or how she felt all the air around her had been sucked away when he leaned in to kiss her, the sensational feeling in her stomach when his lips kissed her hand. It broke her into a million pieces to think even all that would not have meant anything to him while it meant everything to her. 

But then she thought about the Rudra who had been with Laila and the Rudra who was her husband. Laila's Rudra was emotionless whereas Paro's Rudra felt concern, panic, remorse, regret even turned mischievous at rare times. He wanted to talk to her but she didn't know if she could. Maybe she should talk to him, just to what he might want to say to her. Paro wiped her tears and got up, she had to find Rudra.