Chapter 4
Two days later Sugni was in her kitchen making dinner.
Shanti was in her room doing homework.
She was dog-tired, from her day running up and down the stairs for her
boss lady. Mrs. Flam. Mrs. Flam was nothing Sugni discovered but a slave
driver.
She distrusted people and was always looking at you funny. Taking a break was not allowed unless it was lunchtime.
Living in a house that
large should be a crime, Sugni thought for one person. Mrs. Flam was a middle-aged widow, whose
husband left her a wealthy woman, but she was very bitter. She needed a
domestic and Sugni needed a job. Since beggars could not be choosers, she
stuck with it for now.
Five years ago when
she left with nothing to her name except
her clothes and a few hundred dollars he Mami's felt sorry
to give her she had no idea where
she was going to go or what she was
going to do.
She did not want her child being caught in the cycle she was
in and swore the day she was born she would not. Sugni had only one reason to
live and that was Shanti. She named her
Shanti, which meant peace, because with her birth she brought to Sugni's heart
some peace.
She moved to a neighboring village, picking up odd jobs
where she could get it which was not easy being pregnant. Staying at a shelter because letting a
young pregnant girl sleep on the streets did not
rest will with them.
After she had
her baby, she was looked after by some of the women at the center, paying her way by helping with the work load to
in keeping the place cleaned.
When she was well enough, it was back to looking for jobs.
Until one-day luck
was with her as she was helping at a wedding for a Thakur's daughter, it was a week
where they needed extra hands to help them clean prepare and decorate. They provided room and board for the workers.
Unknowing to her the Thakurs eldest
daughter was observing her work and was
impressed by the way she
juggled caring for her baby and
doing her task efficiently. She offered Sugni a job as a live in domestic, which she
gratefully took.
The Thakurine was a kind woman, and Sugni finally had a place to rest her head and an income to get by. All of her energies were now driven into
taking care of her little one and keeping her job. If at night, she would dream of her past, cry
about what could have been, and what was lost, she learned not to dwell on what
could not be.
Yes he would pop into her head from time to time, she would
see something and think I have to tell Thakur Mallick about it, until she
remembered, there was no Thakur Mallick anymore. It took a long while for that
to happen
It took longer for her to admit to herself that underneath
all the hurt, pain, and tears she still loved him. He was the only man she ever did and the only one she ever would. She herd he had moved away
shortly after her Sardakhi, Vijay Singh
was loud in his celebrations
about showing the great Vickram Singh
who was the man.
Sugni had no idea
what all the enmity was about with the two, but Vijay nothing but a
life sucking leech to all around
him . When she found out that him winning that auction was a way to show up
Vickram and she was nothing more than a prize he took
from his enemies camp.
It mattered not to him that by the time she got to his place,
some of her good sense had returned and she realized she made a huge mistake by
agreeing to the auction. Vickram was right this was not her. She hoped and
prayed he would be one of those understanding ones, but after she told him she
was willing to give him back all his
money . He laughed in her face and asked if she was stupid to think it had
anything to do with money.
He wanted what he paid for and that was her, although he was
mildly surprised that Vickram had not touched her after so long. In all his
drunken glory and to Sugni's utter humiliation he got what he paid for,
regardless of her feelings on the matter.
Then she found out she was pregnant. Vijai's initial response to that news was he
did not want any illegitimate children and she should get rid of it. To her
getting rid of it was a sin. She begged
him saying that she would not ask him for anything for this child and would
leave and never mention it to anyone.
Since he already got
what he wanted, and had moved on to
other women, knowing all he had to say was he knew nothing of her spawn, he agreed
with her leaving.
Then a few months ago
the Thakurine told Sugni that her husband got a job abroad and they would be moving. She
told her her husband had an aunt in the city who needed a
domestic maid, and although she was
weird a bit she would pay her and
after talking to her she agreed to allow Sugni the
hours off when her daughter was out of school. Although she needed to find her own place to
stay as Mrs. Flam did not like other
people in her house.
Sugni agreed to the deal, and with the Thakurine help she found
a school for Shanti and a small apartment
that was with in her budget. So here she was in the city, starting over,
and who should she find here...Vickram. What were the odds of that? She thought.
Sugni was stirring
her pot when there was a knock on her
door. Must be Rita, her landlord. Ever since
Vickram showed up Rita had been curious to know more about him as she felt he
stayed extra-long. Sugni kept avoiding it but she would not give up. Sighing she contemplated not answering but
was stopped when Shanti answered..."Coming..."
"You're back!" She herd Shanti say excitedly, as she turned
off the stove. Instead of the high pitch voice of Rita she heard a baritone voice that she knew in
her sleep. "It can't be..." She said as she walked into the living room.
Vickram was standing there with bags in his hands, as her
daughter was looking at him excitedly.
"Mummy look what I
got...new story books!" she said almost
dancing with excitement.
"What?" Sugni said as looked.
"Hey..."Vickram said as
he looked at her. "I was just passing by and I
thought I'd see how she was
doing...you know..."
Sugni walked over to where they were in a daze. She was just thinking about him and here he
was.
"These are for you." He said holding out the bags, smiling.
It took Sugni a moment to realize that he was bearing gifts!
Did he feel sorry for her? Was this some kind of guilt thing? And he gave it to her child knowing she would
not be able to refuse him. Suddenly she felt angry. He was wrong. Was he trying
to buy his way in back into her life?
"Shanti you can't
take that honey. Give it back to him."
"But mummy this..."
"Shanti, no arguments."
She said.
"Sugni it's ok...It
is for her..." Vickram interjected.
Taking the books form her daughter she said. "Shanti go to
your room please...Now."
After she left Sugni walked up to Vickram and handed him the
books
"What are you doing here? Thakur Saab What is all this?" She asked
"I just thought I'd stop by and ..." She cut
him off
"And what? Help me out?"
"No ..No you don't understand..."
"Oh I do understand,
you are just going through some kind of guilt trip and trying to somehow make
up for all your wrongs? Is that it?" she said.
"Look Thakur Saab,
I told you I don't blame you . As you
can see I am fine. I have all I need. I don't need your sympathy, and your
help, I do not appreciate you coming here and using these gifts on a little
child."
"I wasn't trying.."
Sugni folded her arms and looked at him with raised eyebrows pointedly looking at the books in his
hand.
"Ok maybe I was ...I' am sorry." He said. "I just had to see
you again and I couldn't think of anything else to do." He admitted, with a
look of guilt on his face.
Sugni looked at him...she was not expecting him to agree with
her.
"Please I did not mean anything bad with this, and I swear
it's not some guilt trip." He said, "Don't take it from her." He held the books out to her.
Sighing Sugni took
the books "Fine but only the books. And
only because you gave it to
her before I could see it. Why are you
here?" She asked.
"I wanted to see if you were really here or I was dreaming
you up again." He said, as he sat down on the single chair.
"Umm..." She looked at him.
"Please have a seat..." He said. She sat, realizing too late
that she was the one who was supposed to be offering him a seat.
Sugni sat awkwardly as he kept staring at her almost as
though he expected her to disappear or something. She kept averting her eyes
around the room afraid she might do the same thing. Behave yourself Sugni! Her brain kept shouting.
"So..um...what is it you wanted to see me for?" She asked.
"I - I just I wanted..."He paused. Vickram closed his
eyes and took a deep breath. "Sugni...I know there is a lot we have between us
and our past. For the past two days
I have been thinking of what to
say to you and what not to say...what'll
sound right , what is appropriate and
I came up with nothing except..."
getting up Vickram sat next to
her on the couch.
Sugni looked at him in
shock. Oh no he was not going to ...she recognized that look in his
eyes...she saw it before. She was about to get up when he held her hand.
"No please!...Sugni I
know I hurt you in the past. I know I
have no right to ask this. But Sugni I
love you, and for the past five years there was not a day, a moment I don't
think of you. Worry about you. Every
night I pray that you would forgive me one day...
Seeing you again so unexpectedly just a shock to me, but I
have to wonder is this fate. Maybe this is a way for us to..."
"STOP...Please..." Sugni said removing her hands from his and
standing up. She turned away from him.
Wrapping her arms around her middle.
Haai Sita Miya don't do this to me. She prayed. Don't
play with me like this. I am happy as I am, keep it this way. Taking a breath she gathered her thoughts as
she tried to deal with this situation as
logically as she could.
"Thakur Saab...stop it. Five years ago was a long time. A lot has happened in my life , a lot has
changed. I am not the same girl I was
back then. Who had stars in her eyes! I
understand things now. I am a mother, who is responsible for a child...a child
who is my world. Things like love, relationships, none of that is for me. You wanted me to forgive you. I do. Don't feel guilty. You can move on. But
please don't do this. Don't come here with some sort of whatever this
is...Whatever we had five years ago it's over. Bringing it up will serve no
purpose." She turned to look at him.
"Please ...it would be best if you left." She said.
"Sugni ...don't say that. I am sorry I came on to strong.
Sugni staying away from you is as impossible as stars staying away from the
sky. I know, I know a lot has changed
but what has not is my love for you. And that never will..." he
said earnestly looking at her.
"Thakur Saab." Sugni
said as she blinked her eyes trying her best not to cry. She had to harshly
remind herself she fell for his words once before, thinking there was some
sincerity in them. And once again
she was
feeling that sincerity.
But she had to protect not only herself but her child as
well, and no longer could fall for his words no matter how much she wanted to...No no..cause her actions affected Shanti and she was not about to do
anything that would hurt her daughter.
" first you say you
are sorry, then you say can't stay
away." She scoffed. "You say you love me, what do you want from me?, to say Ohh
I love you to, let's pick up where we left off? Forgive and forget? It does not
work that way. I did not know you were living in this city, believe me if I did
I would have refused the job. After five
years you saw me two days ago and
suddenly you come here bearing gifts, and saying you love me and expect me to
agree to that?"
He shook his head
"What are you trying to do here?, embarrass us both,
humiliate us. Look. Forget it ok. Think of it as a dream ...hmm you
never saw me. I am not here. All
I want is to have a quite existence no drama...and I am begging you do not do
something we will both regret. Please leave." She said.
"You're right. I am sorry again. I messed up.
I did not mean to pressure you. How I feel about you is me, and I don't
expect you to return it. I will leave
you. And if you never want to see me again you won't." Reaching into his pocket,
he pulled out a call card. Taking a pen he wrote his personal number and
address onto the back.
"If you ever need anything, any time, you can reach me. I'll
always be here for you Sugni, no matter what." He held out the card to her but
she refused to take it. She shook her head.
Sighing he laid it on the center table.
"Good bye.!" He said
as he walked out the door sadly.
"Dman Damn damn!" Vickram said as he hit his palm on the
steering wheel of the car in frustration..
"What did you expect Vickram? Her to welcome you with opened arms.
Thanks to your foolishness you
will probably never see her again!'
Vickram had no idea why he said that. That was not his
intention when he came here. All he wanted was well talk to her, maybe find out if she would accept his
offerings as a friendly gesture
and maybe they could start a
fresh as friends.
One look at her and all his plans flew out his head, and he
blurted out he loved her without any forethought. But he was not one to play games, he said
what was in his heart.
What was in his hear, however was not necessary in
hers. Why should it be? Oh damn it what did he do here. Oh he messed up this time. Now what? Vickram looked at her door wondered
what she was doing. How did he make it up
to her.
Starting his car Vickram went driving around. In his
head, he kept hearing Sugni's words. Talking about her life being different now , her responsibilities , her child. Her
practicality. He also knew she was alone and he would bet anything she was
doing it all with help form no one.
Ok ...all right... he moved to fast to impulsive. He let his
emotions cloud his judgment. Time to
regroup. Boy he was out of practice with
this. He needed to take things slow and
not push her. He needed first of all to somehow get her to allow him back in
her life somehow.
After this stunt that was going to be a task. He faced challenges
before he could do this. All he know is that
he loved her, and at one point in time she
loved as well. The fact that she
did not chase him out of her house with
a pitchfork , well he took as a sign she no longer hated his guts.
He just needed to find a way in. Vickram smiled as he went
home. This was the closest he came to
feeling alive in the last five
years. He knew it was a tough road and
he might be on a path that would probably break his heart again. But he
decided he would make things
right for her somehow, and if it took
him his life time to achieve that he would If he was lucky she would accept him back in her life , if not well he would
make sure he did all he could to see
that she was happy and comfortable.
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