An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now.". |
Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker? He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination, but knocks on the door when it gets there. |
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste. |
A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV when the phone rang. Husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed, "How the hell would I know? Call the weather bureau!" Wife: "What was that all about?" Husband replied, "Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the coast was clear". |
Titanic is going to be drowned. Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God, just then a passenger asked the captain of the ship. Passenger: How far is land, from here? Captain: Two miles... Passenger: Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more. Captsin: .....!@#$% ...?? Passenger: Just tell me which side, land is two miles from here ? Captain: Downwards.... |
Women are like computers... as soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. |
My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!". | |
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