Chapter 17
"Have you people gone crazy? No way, I am not doing this!"
"Mallika, this is not about us and it is not about you!"
"Please di, don't be this way!"
"I did not expect this from you, Adi!"
"Mallika, stop thinking about yourself for once!"
"You are calling me selfish too, Papa?"
"Yes! And that is the truth. For once in your life, stop thinking about what you want!"
The look of hurt on Mallika's face moved Ashutosh. He did not love her for sure, but there was certainly residual care. There probably would be for the rest of their lives. How can you hate someone with whom you have shared so much, be it time or emotion?
He closed his eyes wearily. How were they going to get through this?
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Two shocks in a day, back to back, was a little too much for a system to take!
Nidhi sipped at the cup of the weak tea, which seemed to be the only way she liked it these days.
She should have known, the symptoms had been staring her in the face!
Changed food preferences, a strange and constant lethargy, increasing tenderness in her breasts - how did she miss it all? What kind of a doctor did that make her?
Her last period had been incredibly light. Hadn't lasted over two days! And yet, she had bled! That of course had put her off scent!
Ten weeks, Dr Prabha had said. Nidhi calculated backward. When had it happened? Was it that night in Agra? Their suhaag raat? Had the Gods decided to bless them with much more than just marital bliss?
She put her hand on her lower abdomen. Her lips curved into a smile.
'Hey baby, am your Momma. Just to say I love you like crazy already. And I am counting the days before I can hold you in my arms. Am sure your Papa will go crazy with joy when he hears that you are on the way!'
Even as the thought crossed her mind, her forehead was wrinkled by a frown.
The spectacle of Ashutosh holding Mallika in his arms came back to haunt her.
Yes, she'd found out that Mallika's mother was in the ICU. So, he was probably offering her a comforting hug. Understandable, they had shared a life together after all. Ashutosh was too humane to be any other way. Wasn't that part reason why she had fallen in love with him after all?
Nidhi's mind tried its best to rationalize but her heart could not stop itself from feeling the pang again. Was it hurt, was it fear, was it a sense of foreboding, what was it? Nidhi could not quite put her finger on it but the sense of unease had not left her ever since she had seen him with her! She had left the hospital, not wanting to interrupt them. That was neither the time nor the place for her to share her news with him!
Nidhi heard the key turning in the lock. She quickly ran a hand over her hair and across her face. She felt a tinge of moisture. What was that? Had she been crying? It couldn't be sweat since the air conditioner was humming. Must be the pregnancy hormones!
Nidhi was thankful that the light was not on. Ashutosh wouldn't be able to see the tear stains on her cheeks!
The door opened and he entered.
He switched the light on, flooding the room with light.
"Hey!"
He looked up at her voice, and Nidhi knew straight away that something was wrong!
His eyes had the expression of a hunted animal, one that did not know which way to run in order to escape.
His shoulders were slumped, appearing weighed down by the weight of the world.
She walked up to him and gave him a welcoming hug. Was there a hint of desperation when he hugged her back, or was her mind continuing to play tricks on her?
"When did you get back? I tried calling your hospital but they said you left early. You weren't answering your mobile!"
"I'd put it on silent since I had a meeting earlier today, Must have forgotten to change it!"
He nodded at that.
She went into the kitchen and brought him a glass of water.
"Thanks!"
He gulped it down in one go!
"Go and get changed. I'll warm up dinner!"
He nodded wearily and walked into their bedroom.
She'd serve him dinner and let him relax a bit. Then, she would give him her news. She was sure it would relieve him of whatever tension it was that he suffered from!
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'How would he tell her? What would he tell her when he himself wasn't sure what to do? What was indeed the right thing to do? Whatever, how could he do this to her?'
Ashutosh was feeling torn.
"How is Dr Mallika's mother now?"
He looked at her in shock.
"Who told you?"
"I was there at the hospital earlier today!"
He gave her a sharp look. Was there a hint of a crack in her voice?
"When? Why didn't you see me?"
She shrugged her shoulders.
"Heard that Mallika's mother had been admitted to the ICU! Realized you would be caught up with that. Did not want to disturb you!"
He gave a small nod.
She waited for him to ask why she had gone over to KGH.
"She's regained consciousness, Nidhi. But there has been a relapse. And the prognosis is not good!"
She sat next to him on the bed and took his hand.
"I am really sorry to hear that. Poor Dr Mallika must be devastated!"
He closed his eyes and nodded.
"She is but her father has taken it even worse. The latest course of treatment seemed to be working and they were hopeful!"
Nidhi sighed.
"That is so sad. I just hope they stay strong for her. If she is going, then she must go in relative peace!"
He appeared stunned by her words.
"What? Why are you looking at me this way?"
Ashutosh shook his head.
"Are you clairvoyant or something?"
"Why?"
"Nidhi, I had no clue how to broach the topic with you. I don't even know what to do. What is right and what is wrong!"
She gave him a quick hug.
"You know you can tell me anything. Why do you have to think so hard?"
He took a deep breath and continued.
"Mr Trehan, that is Mallika's father, wants me to move In with them!"
Nidhi felt like she had been punched in the gut. She tried hard to appear impassive.
"You are not saying anything?"
"I am listening!"
"Mallika's mother has not been informed of our separation. She has been kept under the impression that I have been out of the country! Nr Trehan had requested Mallika not to talk of our impending divorce. to her mother since he felt it might affect her mentally and thereby impact the treatment!"
Nidhi waited for him to continue.
"Today, she was thrilled to see me again. She has always been quite fond of me. She held my hands and begged me to stay with her, she said that she would gain the strength to fight the disease only if I remained by her side!"
Ashutosh stopped and looked askance at Nidhi. It appeared that all emotion had been wiped from her face.
"Mallika herself is dead against the idea. She does not want me anywhere around. But her father is pushing her to comply with what could well be her mother's last request!"
Nidhi took a deep breath.
"I think he is right!"
He was shocked.
"What are you saying? Here I am confused as to how to let them down gently and you are asking me to comply?"
"Where is the confusion in this? Why should you let them down? What kind of a doctor would you be if you did not do your best to help a patient?"
"Nidhi, she is dying. There is nothing anybody can do about it!"
"So, let her die in peace then? Why do you want to turn the rest of her days into a time of torment? Let her go in peace!"
"I don't understand you. What about us, what about you?"
"What about us? That we are together, that we will be together always, that is a given. This is just a small break in between, What if you had to travel on work? Let us treat it like that!"
"Are you crazy or what? You are asking me to go back to her?"
She looked at him sharply.
"Are you going back to her?"
Ashutosh closed his eyes and took a deep breath!
"No!"
"When you know that, I know that and, most importantly, she knows that, why does it matter?"
"But still, Nidhi..I can't leave you alone like this. It is not fair to you!"
"You are not leaving me. I am asking you to go. And it is a matter of time!"
"We don't know for how long, Nidhi. Her oncologist does not give her more than a few weeks. But both of us know that is not something we can predict so accurately! How long can we be away from each other?"
"For as long as it takes, Ashutosh!"
He shook his head again.
"I don't know what to say. I can only ask you how you can be this way?"
"Isn't this who you fell in love with? You want me to change now?"
He hugged her tight.
"No. I love the woman that you are! Stay this way forever. But tell me, how will I survive without you?"
"You don't have to. I am not going anywhere! I will be here waiting when you come back!"
"Nidhi, I feel like the bas***d I am. At a human level, Mr Trehan's request makes sense. But as your husband, for that is what I am, it feels like betrayal. You have given yourself to me in trust. And now, I am betraying that trust!"
"How is it betrayal when it is being done with my active consent?"
"What have I ever done to deserve this kind of love? What have I ever done to deserve you?"
"I don't know. But whatever it is, I must have done it too!"
They hugged each other tight!
"They are discharging her tomorrow?"
"So, is this to be our last night together for some time?"
There was no response.
Then, she felt the wetness of his tears on her neck.
She pulled back in a hurry.
Tears streamed down his cheeks.
She could not help it.
She caught one of them on the tip of her tongue and swallowed it.
"Do you remember? You did this before we first kissed?"
He stared at her, distraught!
She pulled his head down to her and kissed him with all her might.
"Nidhi...I,,,I can't..."
"Give me this one night, Ashutosh...give me this one night the memory of which will help us survive the time to come!"
He looked deep into her eyes.
The brightness in them seemed to sear his soul.
He drew a deep breath before taking her back into his arms, before his lips sought hers with a sense of desperation.
Their lovemaking that night had a certain poignancy to it that seeped right into their souls.
Their kisses and caresses were not designed to rouse but to soothe.
They aimed not to please each other, but to comfort each other.
And yet, there was a certain sense of urgency too. As if, they wanted to grab the moment while it lasted, To take their fill of it, so it would be see them through the coming days.
As Ashutosh trailed his lips down her throat and reached down to her breasts, Nidhi could not help the prick of tears in her eyes.
When his lips paid homage to her breasts, she almost blurted it out the truth to him.
And yet, she kept it locked within. She knew there was no way in hell he would go, if she told him this!
This would have to be her secret till he came back!
His lips gently caressed her stomach and she thought she felt a quickening within.
Was the baby recognizing his father's touch?
She knew it was a fanciful notion. It was too early to feel any movement really!
Yet, she could not help thinking the baby within her had indeed responded to his father!
His lips slowly travelled further down and she lost her ability to think coherently.
He was so gentle and yet so passionate with her that night.
She, in turn, gave him herself so completely that he felt both burdened and liberated by it.
They spent a sleepless night, as they shored themselves up with memories.
It was the most beautiful and yet the most heart rending loving that they had ever known
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His bag was packed and ready,
She fed him curds and sugar as was tradition.
They promised to take care of themselves for each other.
She had taken his promise not to come by and see her, giving him the excuse that she would not have the strength to let him go again.
He gave her a quick hard kiss and then left without a backward glance.
He knew he would never leave, if he turned back again and looked.
She closed the door after him.
She picked up the phone and dialled a number.
"Anjie...can you please come home now...I need you badly!"
Then she broke down and cried, like she never had in her life!
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