Premarital Sex: Arguments Against
INTRODUCTION
Well, I am surprised to find myself engaging in a debate about as sensitive issue as premarital sex on India-Forums. Still, I think it is important to discuss the issue facing "desis" today. By the frank language developing on Indian television with discussions of traditionally-considered taboo topics as premarital sex, I readily anticipate individuals to confront the changing realities of life in Indian culture. But I remain confounded by the rising assent to engage in acts of physical intimacy before marriage. Kandy Floss has delved into an issue that is a matter of personal choice ensuing from upbringing, beliefs, and culture. Despite the value I find in discussing the opposing stances on premarital sex, I stand in disagreement with the choice of Suvarna Jha of Kaisa Yeh Pyar Hai fame to support premarital sex.
Though admittedly a byproduct of an upbringing abroad, I do not see any value in engaging in physical acts without the benefit of marriage, and I suspect I am of the generation Kandy Floss is aiming its show at. Let me explain why I am against premarital sex:
1. Advantage for a Man While the Woman Loses Out in Double Standards
Even when the physical act of intimacy is committed in love, the advantages of the act hold true only for a man. Even in a culture where "sexual revolution" is celebrated as in the United States, the slut versus stud double standards remain unchanged. What's more is that while men do not shy away from dating women they perceive as sexually promiscuous, they do not wish to offer marriages to them. In men's circles, a saying is oft repeated, "There are two kinds of woman: the woman you date and the woman you marry." This implies the division of women into two categories essentially: beddable versus weddable.
2. Aping the Western Culture
A wide majority of Indian public feels enthralled with the concept of "sexual revolution" in European and North American countries. From the enthrallment emerges a need of the "desi masses" to feel submerged or associated with the Western culture regarded as superior. Therefore, "desis" living abroad and those still living in their homelands tend to ape "Western culture," thinking that it signals their embracement of the superior culture and modernity when in fact that is not true. Modernity is a state of mind. Engaging in physical acts of intimacy before marriage does not prove modernity; by the same token, it in fact bespeaks of disregard for traditional Indian moral value systems.
3. Disadvantage of the sexual revolution and rally for no premarital sex in the U.S.
In the United States, the sexual revolution occurred as a result of a breakdown of family ties and moral values. With the advent of Playboy magazine, men received titillation and ample view of skin show in an era of society that was encouraging long-term relationship commitments and marriage. The magazine, however, carried articles that dealt with men's issues. In the magazine, the men were urged to live up the hedonistic philosophy of "pleasure right then and now," leading to extramarital affairs and dumping of longtime girlfriends to engage in bed-hopping with other, less-demanding, sexually promiscuous women. Gradually, women were opening their eyes to social expectations of continuing to live with cheating husbands and dating deceiving boyfriends. They felt marginalized for though they had won the right to vote some thirty years earlier, they had not won the right to live as they pleased.
Women were still expected to fulfill their traditional gender roles and duties as a daughter, sister, and wife while the men in their lives ignored their wants. So, the feeling of repression gave away to women taking stances against men by avowing to beat them at their own game; women began to have sex like men despite the stigma associated with such behavior and marry late. They began to divorce their husbands and live on their own by means of achieving financial independence. Women thought they would benefit from the lack of a premium on "virginity" but the women lost instead; men were increasingly hesitant to commit to their counterparts when casual sex was available for free with no strings attached. With that, further family breakdown occurred, where confused children were trying to define their own identities and sexuality.
Slowly, times began changing and the sexual revolution arrived in the 1960s and 1970s, which remerged with a vengeance and on the upswing in the twentieth century. Single motherhood became a phenomenon then that led many to question the benefit of the sexual revolution. Today, Americans are lamenting the dire straits of moral value systems and taking measures to prevent premarital sex by education and virginity pledges. So, most people do not realize in the "desi" culture that Americans regret the breakdown of family ties and moral values. So, why are "desis" then jumping on the bandwagon to create or imitate a culture which regrets the status quo? I do not believe that traditional Indian morality is outdated or backwards. In fact, I believe those value systems have kept Indians from experiencing the disintegration of the nuclear and extended family system and traditional morality.
4. Religion and Religiosity
In the increasingly secular society, people often feel that sex is a matter of personal choice. That is not an issue I am debating, for I am in agreement of the existence of the choice in principle. An individual is free to exercise his or her free in any manner he or she so pleases, as it is a fundamental right (albeit unwritten right except for countries' constitutions) in the social contract with society. However, the right to make a personal choice, regardless of what it is, does not make the particular personal choice appropriate or even relevant in the context of religion. Though it is convenient to forego the topic of religion when engaging in debates regarding premarital sex, it is important to realize that no religion condones premarital sex. I realize, nonetheless, the couple's own spirituality will factor into the decision of whether to have sex before or after marriage. However, the evaluation of one's religiosity should be present when reflecting on the decision of whether to have premarital sex or not.
6. Peer Pressure
Another reason people often feel the need to engage in premarital sex is for they believe that "everybody is doing it." While I can easily see how living in foreign countries where breakdown of familial ties and values exists already, it would be hard for people to resist peer pressure, I do not understand how people in India feel it is preferable to have sex than to wait until marriage. But even "desis," at least in America that I have interacted with, have staunchly maintained their values and hold on to the moral fiber of the Indian culture. They do not wish to engage in premarital sex, perhaps because they have seen so many of their white and black friends experience heartache after giving away their bodies to their boyfriends. In India, the Bollywood world is full of glamour and glitz, the lure of which is hard to resist. Maybe Bollywood film and television industry is influencing the cities even as the cities are slowly influencing the suburbs to condone engagement in premarital sex. It will be a domino effect, I predict, and maybe within fifty years or so, even rural areas of India will have experienced a sexual revolution. I, however, find it a sad state of affairs.
7. Unwanted Pregnancy, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, and On-Screen Fantasy
Despite the arguments against premarital sex such as unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), it does not deter most people. Maybe that is because the option of "abortion" is present and most do not ever feel that they can become the victim of STDs. For desis, maybe the decision to engage in premarital sex comes with the freedom sexual experimentation affords, but research proves it is not worth the risk. Premarital sex is not a joke. Most people do not realize that emotional intimacy is tied deeply with physical intimacy, especially for women. People are likelier to experience guilt, regret, and loss over relationships that contain physical intimacy but end, as opposed to relationships where there was no physical intimacy but the relationship ends; the same people are also at risk for depression when the relationship ends as there was an emotional stake with the physical intimacy. Moreover, sex is not as it is portrayed in the Bollywood or Hollywood movies or television; research cites that most people find their first-time sexual experiences disappointing. In the context of marriage, however, since the partners, if they are both virgins, do not have previous experiences to compare notes with on the matter of sex, they are likelier to experience sexual satisfaction. Though first times can be disappointing even in context of marriages, just the experience of sharing the meeting of not only bodies but souls makes the experience more pleasurable than without the benefit of marriage. Marriage is not only a social contract, but it is a declaration of two people's lifelong commitment to each other. It is the ultimate declaration of loyalty and faith within the shared companionship.
CONCLUSION
At the end of the day, I argue against premarital sex for I do think it is better to wait until marriage. Physical intimacy, after all, is an expression of love, trust, and commitment in a relationship, which is appropriate and relevant primarily in marriage. Though I understand it is a choice, if people are to engage in premarital sex, I would like to think they are making informed choices, having thought through the consequences not only of their decisions but of their actions.
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