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The air that I breathe
The preparations were going successfully, the sangeet was a beautiful event.
The celebrations were nothing short of a girl's best dream.
To see her so happy, I cant help but feel the same.
But the guilt creeps in. It's been days, yet I Haven't told her about my decision in the hospital.
I was the one to say that the base of love was trust, and yet I find myself unable to tell her.
At first, it was to not cause her any stress, and now because I don't want to cause her pain and in a way because I am afraid of her reaction.
But, I have to tell her, because the guilt keeps on creeping in, striking me at unheeded moments. It strikes me when I was making perpetrations for the sangeet. It strikes when I see her taking to her baby before going to sleep through the CC camera. It strikes when she unflinchingly trusts me and my word.
These moments were suppose to give me happiness not happiness and guilt.
I have to tell her.
All the guests are gone. She is still sitting with Daadimaa and Annie, laughing over some or the other antics which occurred today during the celebrations for our marriage.
I stand hiding behind one of the curtains, on the side of the room, watching her.
I needed to get her alone, so that we could finally have this conversation which was overdue since that day in the hospital.
Getting my cell phone out, I text her to come meet me at the terrace.
I go up and wait, looking at the full moon and remembering the promises made by its light, I prepare myself.
Soon, I hear her footsteps coming towards me, the light chiming of her payal and her earrings give away her closeness to me. Soon I fell her near me, smell her perfume.
Turning slightly, I hold out my hand to her. Grasping her hand in mine, I pull her close, making her stand in front of me.
As she stands in front of me, I slowly wrap my hands around her, curving into her warmth and protecting her from the slightly chilly air.
"Maan, what's the matter? I did not want to ask earlier, but your attention seemed elsewhere at some points during the sangeet. What happened? Your eyes were happy and yet I saw a shadow in them. I know you are still worried about my security, I am too but I know, I have trust in you, you will not let anything happen to me and our baby."
"Geet, I am sorry."
"Why, Maan, what's happened?"
Saying this she attempts to turn around in his embrace to look at him, but he only tightens his hold on her, making her stand as she was.
"No, Geet, please, let me tell this one thing to you, I don't know if I will have the courage if I see you looking at me."
"Ok, Maan, what is it?"
Saying this, she starts running her hands up and down his arms, in a soothing motion, to comfort him, to calm him down from whatever storm that was brewing in his body and making his voice tremble so.
"A few days ago when you were in the hospital, I cant tell you how worried I was. I have not prayed in a long time, decades, but I started believing in god again after I met you, and that day, I can honestly say, I have never prayed harder to God, to save your and our childs life…."
His voice trails, he takes a moment to swallow, take in a breath, fighting again the remembered panic of that day. The memories haunting him just by saying this words.
"Maan…"
"No, Geet….let me finish. That day was so horrible, I shudder to even remember it."
Taking another breath, he continues
"That day, the doctors were worried. They thought the situation might come where we might have to choose between saving you life and the safety of the baby. The situation was a very big possibility, so they asked me to make a choice. A choice which rested on me alone, as the father of our child and your husband. I had been praying to god to not put me in that situation, but the doctor did ask me to make a decision."
"Geet, I chose you. I am sorry."
"I am so sorry. You have to believe me, I prayed so hard to god, that the choice which I made would never come into action, that it would not come to the point where they would have to either say you or our baby. If I could have changed places with you, I would have, I would give my life in exchange for both of yours. You have to believe me."
Saying this he is silent, waiting her verdict at his actions. Her body had tensed slightly while he was talking, but she was yet to say a word.
Finally after a few minutes, she asks
"Why?"
He gives her the only answer he has, hoping only that it is enough.
"Geet, a man can live without his happiness, but he cannot survive without his breath. Geet you are my soul, my breathe, this heart which beats inside me. If know if I was to loose our child, this happiness of ours, this khushi, would have gone, but without you, I am not alive. You are the air that I breath."
She remains silent still, making no more actions, nor does she speak any more words.
Taking that as a hint, as to maybe, she was too disappointed, maybe she wanted him to leave her alone, he loosens his arms tight hold from around her.
Just as his hold loosens from around her, she is quick to turn around. She is still not looking at him though, her eyes are lost in though.
Just as he takes a half step back, her eyes clear and before he has a chance to read them, she is flinging her arms around him, hugging him tight.
"Maan, you prayed for me and you prayed for our baby. I am so happy. I wont say I would have made the same choice. If I was in a state to answer the question, I would have told them to save our baby at all costs. But I can try to understand what you did. You tied this taveez around me to protect me and our baby from harm, and being here today, I can see that it worked. Sometimes all it takes is faith. Don't think for even a moment that I will think less of you because of your choice. I trust you even more than ever because of your actions. I would have hurt if you had not told me this, but that you did tell me, tells me of the faith which you have in our love. I feel the same for you, as you do for me, you are the air that I breath, my life-force, my soul."
Finally pulling out of the tight embrace, she leans back on the railing of the terrace. Finally he can see her eyes, and they hold nothing but love for him.
"Our baby, is lucky to have you. I can see in your eyes, I could hear in your voice now, how hard the decision was for you. This baby is our happiness and I know you love her as much as I do, no one else was there, but I saw you when we saw her for the first time and we heard her heartbeats. I saw you spill tears of happiness and your awe at seeing her. I have proof of your love for her in your actions, your worrying. Here put your hand over her heartbeat, you can feel her. Do you know she can recognize your voice, your presence, she always starts wriggling and playing when you are near or when she hears your voice. Here feel it"
Saying this, she takes his hands and puts it over her womb, where he feels the slight rippling of her skin, indicating her movement.
Again the look of love, awe, and tears come into his eyes.
"Geet, I love you. I love her. I made the choice once, but I don't know if I can ever make that decision again. I almost died inside thinking that day that I might lose one of you. Please, promise me, that you will stay by my side, in front of me always, always be where I can look after you two. Please"
Putting a hand over his mouth to stop his words. She looks into his eyes, hoping to convey her soul through her eyes.
"I promise Maan. With all that is within me, I promise, I will not let anything again to me and our baby. As long as you are with me, that we are together, nothing can harm me"
Again pulling lose, they rest their foreheads against each other. With their hands resting on top of their daughter, they breath in. They just breath in. In and out, feeling the life, the love, the promise between them.
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